Russian Fairy Tales With Ivan Braginski
((Joyful Note: This will be updated sporadically and is my Hetalia retelling of class Russian fairy tales from the book Russian Fairy Tales collected by Aleksandr Afanastev, translated by Norbert Guterman and published under The Panteon Fairy Tale and Folklore Library. I think its worth read. Also a good note: I flip between country and human names like crazy depending on however I feel they would be addressed by the speaker. Also a good note: This is crack.))
Warnings for this chapter: Hints of one sided Russia/Lithuania, and spanking
A Note from Our Narrator
Privyet from Mother Russia! Before I tell you all these classic tales from my homeland, assisted by my lovely Baltics and other helpful countries I think I should make an author's note for all of you reading along at home, da? Da! So you all know, I am Ivan Braginski. I am the personification of the country of Russia and I hope that by sharing my old folk stories with all of you, you will get to know me better and won't be so afraid of me when I say you should become one with mother Russia! After all, all will become one with mother Russia eventually. You might as well get used to the idea.
Anyway, this first tale is a fun one for the whole family to enjoy! And I think it is only right for myself to star in it as the wealthy merchant, my good friend Yao as the old man, Litva as my darling wife and Poland as his wife's lover! Kolkolkol...
So let us begin!
OXOXOX
The Wondrous Wonder, the Marvellous Marvel
Once there was a wealthy merchant who traded in rare and precious good, traveling with his wares every year to foreign lands. Like China!
"How did I get dragged into this so early-aru? And I'm not an old man! Or your good friend!"
Ssh, Yao, it is not time for you yet!
One day he fitted out a ship for his voyage and said to his wife: "Tell me, my Litva, what shall I bring you as a gift from foreign lands?"
"M-M-Mr. Russia, w-why do I have to be the wife i-in this... in this particular story?"
Nyet, little Litva, those are not your lines!
"B-but M-Mr. Russia..."
Kolkolkolkol...
"EEP! Er... In your house I have... I-I have a-all I w-want and... and enough of everything! Yeah... everything..."
What is with that grimace, Litva?
"N-nothing! Er, I mean... B-but if you want to gladden my heart, buy me a wondrous wonder, a marvellous marvel!"
The merchant smiled pleasantly, patted his grateful wife on the head-
"Ow!"
Ssh Litva! And he said to her, "Very well. If I find one, I shall buy it."
And so the merchant traveled beyond the borders of mother Russia, into a neighbouring kingdom's most wealthy port. He sold all his cargo, bought a new cargo, and loaded his ship. After his work was done he travelled the streets of the other kingdom, thinking of where he could possibly find a wondrous wonder, a marvellous marvel fit to please his loving wife?
He met an old man-
"I AM NOT OLD-ARU!"
Ah... fine. He met a man who looked very young for his age...
"Thank you-aru."
And very girly for his gender...
"THAT'S IT, I'M LEAVING!"
Nyet! I was only teasing Yao-Yao! Come back! I have a Shinatty-chan plushie for you!
"... alright-aru."
Anyway, the... man, led the merchant to his house and said, "Do you see that goose-aru, walking in my yard?"
"I do," replied the merchant.
The man nodded and said, "Now see what's going to happen to it. Hey, goose, come here-aru!" And the goose came in the room-
"AH! I'M NOT A G-GOOSE MR. RUSSIA!"
But Latvia, if you are not a goose why are you wearing feathers?
"I-I-I-I"
Geese do not break into sobs, silly Latvia! Go on, Yao!
"I... aiyah... er... I-I apologize in advance... Hey goose! Lie down in the roasting pan."
And the goose laid down in the roasting pan.
"NO! NO PLEASE!"
AND THE GOOSE LAID DOWN IN THE ROASTING PAN! Good Latvia!
"Oh g-god..."
The man put it in the oven-
"NO-aru!"
But why not?
"WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY KILLING LATVIA-ARU! I do not approve of that!"
Aw! Fine... well to make a long story short without actually showing anything...
"Th-thank god..."
Party poopers. Anyway, the goose was roasted and set on the table, they ate from it, piling the bones together and when the goose was totally eaten the man wrapped the bones in the tablecloth, threw them on the floor- you can at least cover him in a table cloth, da?
"I suppose- aru..."
"Th-that's not too b-bad I guess... these feathers itch though..."
And the man said, "Hey, goose-aru! Get up, shake your wings and go out into the yard-aru!" The goose got up, shook its wings... da, shaking just like that Latvia! I knew I picked the right goose! Anyway, he shook his wings and went into the yard as if never having been in the oven! Though in this case he never WAS in the oven but...
"Oh don't pout over that-aru! Anyway, I'm out of here! Goodbye-aru!"
Oh well, I can get him back later for another tale if I need him, da? Anyway, the merchant declared, |Indeed, my host, yours is a wondrous wonder a marvellous marvel!" And... well normally he would haggle the price but since Yao has left I get it for free! Right little Latvia?
"R-right sir..."
Da! So he took the goose aboard his ship with him and sailed back to the motherland. He returned home, greeted his wife with a kiss-
"E-eep..."
And smiled as she blushed so prettily for him...
"I-I... um..."
And he gave her the goose, and told her-
"Er, Raivis? W-why are you covered in feathers?"
"I... I'm the g-goose..."
"WHAT? B-but you look-"
"Um... I didn't actually end up in the oven..."
"O-oh, um, I-I thought you looked well considering..."
AND TOLD HER, that she could roast the bird every day without spending money, "Just roast it, and it will come back to life again!"
"O-only please don't Toris..."
The next day the merchant went to his stall in the bazaar and in his absence his wife's stupid lover came to see her.
"Like, hi Liet!"
"Oh god, Feliks get out of here!"
"Like, that's totally rude! I'm staying now!"
"B-but Mr. Russia-"
"Like, I'm not scared of that ugly fatass!"
"... u-um... p-please take this seriously..."
She greeted her lover and offered to prepare a roast goose for him.
"Um, like, I'm a on a diet though!"
"P-please don't argue this, I'm not cooking Raivis anyway..."
"Y-yeah!"
"Like, what does Raivis have to do with anything?"
"U-um, he's the goose..."
"Like... gross."
The wife leaned out of the window and called,
"Oh, my line, um... G-goose! (Sorry...) L-lie down in the roasting pan!"
"NO!" But the goose refused. Luckily it was supposed to do that or little Latvia would be in pain right now, da? "O-oh g-g-god..."
The merchant's wife grew angry and struck it with the roasting pan!
"P-please Mr. Russia..."
Litva...
"O-oh, that smile... er... I-I'M SO SORRY RAIVIS!"
"OW!"
As she did so, the one end of the pan stuck to the goose and herself was stuck to the other end. No matter how she pulled she could not break free, just like the Baltics cannot break free of mother Russia...
"W-what? D-did you use super glue on this or something? I-I'm really stuck!"
Da, Litva! Don't worry, I'll use glue solvent later, da? Though it still might rip the skin a little... but no matter!
So the wife said, "RUN FELIKS!"
Nyet, the wife said... "Er... o-oh sweetheart, um... wr-wrench me loose from this roasting pan! That accursed goose must be bewitched!"
"Like, cool!" The lover grasped the merchant's wife and he stuck to her. Well, in this case he also ended up stuck to the pan since I couldn't cover Litva in super glue, but the general idea is still there, da?
"Like, gross! This is really bad for my hands, do you guys like, have ANY idea how much moisturizer I'm going to have to use now?"
The goose ran out into the yard- yes go on Latvia! Good! Then onto the street, and dragged them both to the bazaar. The clerks saw their plight and rushed forward to separate them, but whoever touched them stuck to them as well! A crowd gathered to look at this wonder, and the merchant too came out of his stall. He saw something was wrong of course.
"Who are all these new friends of my wife?" he wondered.
"Yeah, like, who are these people Liet?"
"I-I don't know! I-I don't know how Mr. Russia got these people to help with this!"
They are extras, da? Anyway, the merchant looked at his wife,
"EEP!"
And said, "Confess everything, otherwise you will stay stuck together like this forever." There was no way out of it, ever, for his wife, no matter what she tried-
"Th-this is still about the s-story... i-isn't it? M-Mr. Russia?"
So the merchant's wife confessed her guilt and... This is my favourite part, da?
"OH GOD PLEASE DON'T!"
"Like, what's going on?"
"O-o-o-oh god..."
He PULLED THEM APART FROM THE PAN!
"AAAAAH!"
"LIKE, OUCH!"
"YOU SAID YOU'D USE SOLVENT!"
I lied, da? Anyway, he then... soundly thrashed the lover!
"Like... what?"
"I TOLD YOU TO RUN FELIKS!"
"Like... OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I'M OUT OF HERE!"
AWW! Litva, you made him run away!
"Wh-wha, me?"
Anyway, he took his darling wife Litva home and gave her a good hiding too!
"N-no! C-come on, th-there's children!"
Latvia may leave! And now that he is gone... down go the pants!
"AH!"
Over my knee... for a spanking!
"NO! NO! A-AH!"
And with each blow he repeated:
"HERE IS YOUR WONDROUS WONDER, YOUR MARVELLOUS MARVEL!"
There, and up goes the pants... that wasn't so bad, da Litva?
"Oh my god... M-Mr. Russia..."
Oh, don't cry little Litva... it is all over now, da? All you got was a little spanking, you've had worse before, da?
"Th-that doesn't h-help!"
But it is over, da?
"I-I guess but... but... er... h-how many more fairy tales are there... r-right now... that you want to do..."
Hmm... I think... not counting this one... 178!
"I-I-I..."
Hmm? Litva? Oh, he passed out! He is so cute sleeping on the floor da? Well, I'd best put my little wife to bed, da? I hope to see your readership soon! Goodbye for now!
((So... that was disturbing. But Russia is your narrator, what do you do? Now... I might switch up this story telling manner in other chapters. I could have some with other characters filling in as narrator, or I could have a third person omnipotent for some, but in general, it will be Russian fairy tales and the vast, VAST majority will involve Russia to some extent or other. And a variety of other nations will pop by as this goes on. It will be updated very sporadically and will be very crackish in most cases. And dark possibly as well. I hope you grow to like it somehow.))
