So I got this lovely idea from a really nice fanart by sung-me. Basically I'm taking songs sung by other characters and letting Javert express his own feelings through the songs. Its surprising how a lot of the other songs fit kind of well with him...at least in my opinion haha
Songs used in this chapter: ON MY OWN and parts of IN MY LIFE. There are some changes to the songs as well as parts of other songs randomly thrown in, see if you can spot them ;) haha
BOYXBOY warning, more in the next chapter sort of.
Les Miserables, the characters and the lovely songs do not belong to me, though it'd be nice if they did haha
PLease please please review, it always make me happy and helps me see if I'm actually doing a good job with this writing thing :) thanks~! and enjoy!
"You're free to go. Now get out of here," Jean Valjean said, his eyes steely as he stared at Javert.
Javert didn't understand, not one bit. How could this man—this ex-convict—let him go free? Javert had been chasing him for years, merciless and relentless, threatening time and time again to throw Valjean in jail without a second thought. And here was the criminal's chance, basically given to him on a silver platter, to be rid of the nuisance and danger of Javert, to finally win and take what was his…and he was letting Javert go.
"I don't understand…" Javert said, rubbing his wrists where the bonds had bitten harshly into his skin. "Kill me. The right is yours, just do it!"
"Get out of here, Javert," Valjean said, his voice low and controlled. He tucked the knife he'd used to release Javert away. "Just go. I have no grudge against you. You've only been doing your job. You're at no fault."
Javert scowled and glared at the ex-convict. A pain stabbed at Javert's heart, an unfamiliar feeling. When Javert had been tied up, his hands restrained, his neck held by the rope, he'd felt helpless and defeated. But he'd also felt a strange twinge of sadness and unfullfilment. He didn't want to die by those traitorous school boys' hands; he wanted to die at Jean Valjean's. It was the right way to go. The criminal had won, it would have made the perfect ending to their battle. Javert had resigned himself to his fate but had silently wished to see Valjean one last time.
His wish had been granted as if by some miracle of fate. It was destined, it must have been. What else would you call it when Valjean suddenly appeared in the barricades and asked for Javert? Javert felt his heart leap at seeing Jean Valjean, and it pounded even more knowing Valjean was going to be the one to take his life. A fitting end.
Now…Javert wasn't so sure what he felt.
"24601…"
"My name is Jean Valjean," the ex-convict correctly quietly, his voice soft, almost soothing. "Please refer to me as such."
Javert looked at the old man mildly and shook his head. "No…you will always be a convict to me…a traitor, a criminal, a thief." The last word held a special, stinging place in the Inspector's heart. "You're a liar…pretending to be the mayor, acting noble and good when you were a wolf in sheepskin…a person's true colors always shine through, and I saw right to your rotten soul. In all the years, you haven't changed. Men like you can never change."
Javert hung his head, hiding the hurt and anger burning in his eyes. He had trusted the mayor, looked up to the mayor. When he had discovered he'd made a mistake in accusing Madeleine, he had seen the mayor in a new light, as a saint and a good man, the kind of man Javert was always trying to protect and preserve in this corrupt world. He'd revered the mayor, wanting to talk with him as often as possible, making excuses to see him in his office and joining him on walks. But then Madeleine confessed to being Jean Valjean, and Javert's world had crashed around him. "Liar…thief…" Javert spat. After that, Javert had chased after the convict, never resting, never thinking of anything else, all these years wrapped completely around the man who had tricked him, and betrayed him. The man was a thief, a liar, a convict; this was his nature. "Just kill me! I can't bear to think of you wandering the streets free! If you let me go, I will not be merciful; I will continue to hunt you down and I will see you behind bars." This was definitely fated; Javert sneaking into the ranks of the rebellion, being singled out by the young brat, only for Valjean to appear as he always did. This was fated, Javert was meant to die tonight by Valjean. And if not, then their game would simply continue on. There can only be Javert or Valjean.
Valjean looked to Javert, his eyes sad, almost pitying. He walked towards Javert and put a hand on his shoulder. "I know…I'm sorry, but I'm not the horrible man you believe me to be. I'm letting you live, no bargins or deals." He smiled sadly and Javert wanted to smack the man's face.
Javert turned and hurried down the alley. A shot from a gun whizzed by his head. He turned quickly; Valjean had the gun aimed. Their eyes met briefly. "No doubt our paths will cross again," Valjean said, his smile sad, withdrawn and hopeful. Javert turned and ran out of the alley.
…
The inspector hadn't gone far at all before he stopped running and leaned against the side of a building. Thick gray clouds were building up in the skies above, blocking the sky and hanging heavily, ominously.
Javert shut his eyes and shook his head. "What's the matter with you Javert…?" he muttered to himself. "Have you been too much too much on your own?" All Javert's life, it was just him. No support, no friends, no family. He's struggled, never making any ties. Now this convict comes along and all Javert's thoughts and decisions focused around him. Javert put a hand to his chest and clenched at the fabric. His heart was beating erratically, a heart that was supposed to be steady and strong, made of cold stone. "So many things unclear…so many things unknown…"
What were these thoughts running through his head? What were the feelings churning in his heart? Ever since he'd met that kindly old mayor, his world was upside down. He couldn't decipher between right and wrong as easily as he once was able to. Good and bad had been like left and right to him, but now they were shades of grey. Suddenly Javert didn't know if Valjean was the villain or the hero. All that ran through his head was Valjean; his mercy, his kindness, his voice, his face, his touch, his fingers, his chest, his smile, his eyes, his lies… All Javert could feel was the hurt and betrayal and the loneliness.
Javert looked to the skies, wanting guidance from the stars, but the clouds hung angrily overhead, blocking him from wisdom, leaving him cold and alone. Just then the skies broke and the clouds released the rain, pouring down over the Inspector's head. All the heavy weight fell, relieving the cloud of their burden. His hair fell onto his forehead, water soaking through his uniforms and dripping heavily from his nose, lips and eyelashes. He blinked, and water trailed down his cheeks like tears.
"On my own…pretending he's beside me," Javert spoke, his voice soft as he stepped away from the wall. The rain poured down. "All alone, I walk with him till morning." Javert's feet moved as though acting on their own, aimless. He wasn't looking ahead of him, not really. His mind went back, to his walks with Madeline in M. sur. M, talking mindlessly, simply content to be beside the man. A warm feeling filled Javert at the memories, a feeling Javert was starting to distinguish as happiness. "Without him, I feel his arms around me, and when I lose my way, I close my eyes and he has found me." Even after Madeline was revealed to be Jean Valjean, even when Javert was filled with humiliation and rage, he desired to see the man. He searched fervently, not only because Valjean deserved to be in jail, but simply to see the man, to speak to him. His breath would hitch whenever he'd catch word of the convict at pubs, bars or from gossip. He felt relief when he knew the man was alive and he felt sadness on cold nights when he was on his own, wondering if Valjean had somewhere warm to sleep. His dreams had been invaded by Valjean, his waking thoughts contained the old man and even now….Javert was resisting the urge to run back, back through the alley, back to Jean Valjean…
Javert glanced around him as he walked, slow and steady, similar to his steps at the tops of buildings when he was testing the fates. "In the rain, the pavement shines like silver. All the lights are misty in the river. In the darkness, the trees are full of starlight and all I see is him and me forever and forever…" Javert and Valjean…Valjean and Javert. The two seemed to always match together; they seemed meant for each other. There was none without the other, like chaos and order, hate and love, officer and his convict. Javert barely remembered his life before Valjean and he couldn't really imagine a life without him. That's what scared Javert the most, that's why he felt the slightest hesitation when he caught leads of Valjean. Despite his need to see the convict, he wasn't too eager to throw him behind bars forever. That would mean an end; no more chasing, no more running, no more Valjean versus Javert. Javert's world would be empty.
"And I know it's only in my mind; that I'm talking to myself and not to him," Javert whispered, closing his eyes briefly, imagining Valjean before him. Words swarmed his mind, words he wanted to say to Valjean, whisper in his ear, words he wanted Valjean to whisper to him. Javert shivered, but whether it was from the cold rain falling over him or from something else, he wasn't sure. "And although I know that he is blind, still I say…" Javert paused briefly, opening his eyes as the words suddenly began connecting in his head, suddenly began making sense. He felt as if pieces where fitting together slowly, as if there was a greater picture hidden behind a layer of fog and grim, which was slowly being wiped clean. "… there's a way for us."
Javert gulped and he stared at the ground wide-eyed. The pieces were falling together, the picture becoming clearer. His heart pounded, his thoughts running wild. He threw his head back and despite the pouring rain, he stared at the clouds, pleading desperately in his heart for the skies to open up, to strike him down before something happened inside him that he didn't want to happen. He wanted the stars to speak to him, to tell him what he was afraid to find out. He felt his eyes burn, but it wasn't from the rain. He blinked away the tears and shook his head, shouting into the empty air, the words pouring from his lips not from his mind, but from his trembling heart, as though the very words he spoke were from somewhere unknown, trying to communicate with him:
"But when the night is over; he is gone, the river's just a river. Without him the world around me changes; the trees are bare and everywhere the streets are full of strangers." Valjean knew Javert better than anyone. He was the closest person in Javert's life, the only one who had managed to break down those solidly built walls. Now Javert was crumbling to pieces; there would soon be nothing left. The Inspector shivered and shook, tears mixing with the rain water. He tugged on his hair and stopped walking, sliding down against a wall as the weight of his feelings became too much. He wanted to stop, to block and suppress the flow of emotions but nothing would stop until it all burst.
"But every day I'm learning, all my life I've only been pretending! Without me, his world will go on turning," Javert clenched his teeth and shut his eyes, knowing full well if he died, Valjean wouldn't bat an eye. Javert was merely a pain in Valjean's side, a nuisance, always trying to hunt him down, to send him back to hell. Valjean had his daughter, his pride and joy. He didn't need Javert, not like how Javert so desperately needed Valjean. Javert had nothing… "A world that's full of happiness, that I have never known!" A happiness he'd never known…not until now.
Javert sobbed quietly, the only noise was the pounding of the rain and the drumming of the Inspector's heart. He was gasping now, out of breath. He was lost and confused and scared. He wanted someone to comfort him, to tell him it was okay. Never in his life did Javert want or need any kind of comfort, but right now, he wanted one person by his side. He wanted this person by his side always.
"I love him…" Javert whispered the words silently, almost to himself, trying them out. They slipped out on their own, which surprised Javert but not really. Something about the statement said out loud felt right. Javert never lied.
"I love him," Javert said, louder and stronger, but still cautiously. Yes, this was right. These were the words he knew to be true, these were the emotions he felt. He knew they were wrong, he knew he shouldn't feel them, but he knew the futility of arguing with himself about something he knew to be true. He leaned his head back, reveling in the free feeling as the weight lifted, now that he could properly identify his emotions once more.
"I love him…" Javert whispered as he closed his eyes, relishing the feeling of the words on his lips. He said it to say it now, not to confirm it to himself. It was the truth; he loved Jean Valjean. The rain ebbed some, becoming gentler as the storm in Javert's heart died some. Javert smiled sadly to himself. Despite the new revelation of his feelings, Inspector Javert felt more alone than ever. "…by only on my own."
