Antimatter
By tikitikirevenge
Legal note: Nintendo owns all of the characters in this story. They will not own it as soon as my magical time machine is completely built. In the meantime, please don't copy this, and please don't eat people. I do not endorse jumping off cliffs in any manner.
Someone is going to ask about the
name. Three reasons: "Antimatter" sounds cool, "antimatter"
sounds vaguely like "dark matter", and "antimatter" more or
less sums up your opinion of this story – YOUR OPINION DOES NOT
MATTER! DIE! GRGH!
So you're reading this. Why? I bet I know.
You've read all those stories out there, telling you the "real"
story behind the Kirby games. You've read the "real, real"
stories behind the Kirby games. This is different.
Be
prepared…
…for the real, real, real story behind the
Kirby games! All right, only KD3. Okay, it's not official. Granted,
I have no life. But nonetheless…
The Adventure Begins
Our story begins, beneath, of all things, an
apple tree. This wasn't any old apple tree, mind you. This
apple tree was being used as cover. Specifically, a Waddle Dee was
digging through the ground underneath the great Dreamland forest,
trying to escape the greedy gaze of two Dreamlanders.
It did
not.
"It mine!" shouted Gooey, the blue blob-like thing. With
a tongue.
"No!" shouted our hero, Kirby, the pink spherical
thing. With a mouth. "I found it!"
Gooey poked his tongue
through the ground, grabbed the Waddle Dee with it, and pulled it
out.
"!" said the Waddle Dee, which didn't have a
mouth.
"Mmm…" said Kirby and Gooey together. They jumped for
it at the same time, but collided with each other, causing the Waddle
Dee to spontaneously explode.
"Bad Waddleh Dhee," said Gooey,
tripping over his tongue and landing underneath a coconut tree. He
looked up just in time to see the coconut heading towards his face.
"No feh fair!" he said.
Meanwhile… somewhere
else…
Dark Matter was a strange ball of mysterious energy.
He was really, really strange. And mysterious. And strange.
"Ha!"
he said, floating through space. "I will eventually conquer the
universe! This is because I am really, really strange. And
mysterious. And strange."
Dark Matter's plan, as you may have
noticed, was to take over the universe. Being the clever strange ball
of mysterious energy he was, he knew how to possess people. He
decided that this would be the best way to take over.
"It would
be easier to possess people than try to become an intergalactic ice
cream corporate giant," he concluded. "I can't stand ice
cream. It's… too sweet." (NOT that this has anything to do with
how Dark Matter is defeated. IF Dark Matter is defeated. I
haven't said anything yet. Ignore this whole thing! Please!)
Thus
began Dark Matter's plan to take over the universe. "I think,"
he said, "that I should do it one planet at a time. But which
planet to take over first?" He pondered on this for some time,
before coming to a decision. "I'll use this non-rigged die
(TM) to come to my decision."
And with that, he produced a
54729-sided hyper-dimensional die and rolled it.
Inside the
die…
Little did Dark Matter realise that the die wasn't
really part of several flashy dice, but actually a small bomb.
Fortunately for him, it didn't go off. However, it produced a small
slip of paper, which Dark Matter took out.
"I'd better read
this," he said, "as I am a strange and evil ball of mysterious
energy. And a really, really strange one. And mysterious. And
strange."
He read:
There is a minor problem involving the
negomisation. Do not panic. Do not shmanicallate, and above all do
not create random words.
Press '1' to invade a planet. If you
would like ice cream, I suggest you try invading a strange planet
called "Earth". It contains-
"ICE CREAM?" shouted
Dark Matter. He rolled the die again.
Why not a planet called
'Pop Star?' It's shaped like a star.
"I'm a sucker
for star-shaped stuff," reflected Dark Matter cheerily. "I'll
invade that planet, then."
Meanwhile… back on Pop Star…
the place where we were a moment ago…
"I wonder what
things are like on Rock Star?" wondered Kirby.
Meanwhile…
on Rock Star…
"Nruff!" said the Nruff.
Meanwhile…
back on Pop Star… the place where we were a moment ago…
"I
wonder how else things are on Rock Star?" wondered
Kirby.
Meanwhile… on Rock Star…
"I am a
pyramid," said a pyramid. "I shall appear again later in this
story. For now, though, rest assured that I am a very pyramidal
pyramid. A very pyramidal pyramid."
Meanwhile…
back on Pop Star… the place where we were a moment ago…
"Is
this getting annoying?" said Kirby.
"Yesh," said Gooey.
"In
that case, we'd better go fishing," said Kirby.
"While
completely irrelevant," said Whispy Woods, "I'll endorse the
action anyway. What the hey-?"
Dark Matter swooped down and
headed straight for the castle of King Dedede, ruler of Dreamland
(there's a joke in there somewhere).
"Hello," said King
Dedede, who was sitting on his throne. "What do you want?"
"I'd
like to take over the world," said Dark Matter.
"Fine by me,"
said Dedede, reaching over for a glass of lemonade.
But before
Dedede could reach the lemonade – he was possessed by Dark Matter!
I bet you never saw that one coming! How clever am I?
"Fishing
ish fun," said Gooey.
"Yes," said Kirby.
Silence.
Dark
Matter zoomed around the planet, growing in size as if he had
consumed an extra-large serving of Waddle-Dee-in-a-jar.
"YES!
YES! I AM POWERFUL AGAIN!" he screamed in delight and
capitals.
Possessing everyone who happened to come near, Dark
Matter had soon possessed every person on the planet of Pop Star
except for Kirby and Gooey. (Yes, I know about the animal
friends; I'm coming to that! Sheesh. And I bet my non-imaginary
readers will be worse.)
"Look," said Kirby, pointing to the
sky. "A big, black-ish cloud."
"Yesh," said Gooey, choking
on a fish. "Ow!"
"Hi," said Dark Matter, gazing down at
them. "I should possess you, but I won't, as I have poor
judgement, and also because you're currently sitting in a plot
hole."
"That explains the talking turnips," said Kirby.
"Not
true!" said Grill.
Kirby stepped out of the plot hole, dragging
Gooey with him. "So you won't possess us?"
"No."
"Promise?"
"Of
course," said Dark Matter, being the gentleman he was. "Would I
ever go back on my word?"
"Yes?" said Kirby.
"Curses!
How did he know?" Dark Matter zoomed around furiously. "Okay,
I'll never, ever, possess you for the duration of my stay here.
Deal?"
"Yep," said Kirby.
"It can't be that bad,"
thought Dark Matter. "It's not like he's that Meta Knight
dude, or that Kirby-"
"By the way, my name's
Kirby!"
Dark Matter said a… very nice word.
