I know, I'm a little shit for starting Yullen Week when I'm not even done with Laven Week. I promise it won't be left discontinued.

I'm going to be honest, I was so busy lately I couldn't really think of something decent, so you guys will get a series of angsty drabbles for Yullentide.

Pairing: Yullen, duh.

Warning: angst, violence, swearing, blood, gore, emotional pain on your part and everything you should expect from -man.

Rating: T, 16+ just in case.

Naturally it's not mine.

As always, reviews are love.

Chapter 1 - Trust

Their trust was wavered in him, Allen knew. They all looked at Komui, not understanding, not wanting to understand what the Supervisor just said. The truth was devastating: Allen, the Ark, the Musician, Timcanpy, the Will- It all made sense now. It was sickening.

And then Komui's expression darkened further, his lips trembled as he tried to form those hurtful words. For Komui, whose desire was to protect the Exorcists from being sacrifices this was the most painful decision: to sacrifice one to save the rest.

To spare him from such agony, Allen chose to speak the dreaded order. "If that happens please kill me."

He steeled himself to incredulous looks with an expressionless face. Right now he couldn't even bring himself to smile. On the other hand he couldn't afford to show hesitation in front of his friends or else they won't be able to distance themselves if - when - the time came. His heart ached seeing their anguished expression.

"But that won't happen. If the 14th comes to destroy the Order I'll stop him. You'll see." He might have promised to keep walking until he died, but he wasn't about to let a potential sociopath ruin what he built in his short life.

Also he couldn't expect his friends to carry such a heavy burden, they had so much to worry about already. He will simply command Crowned Clown to destroy the 14th from within, even if it meant losing Allen's life in exchange.

He swept his monochrome eyes over the facial expression of his comrades. Most of their eyes were glassy, staring at particularly nothing as they tried to comprehend what Allen just asked them.

It was a leap of faith, Allen got it. He just asked his friends to put their faith in him and expect the best.

But Allen also knew that no matter who ordered them to, his friends would never be able to hurt him. Even if he wasn't himself anymore. The Generals will surely stop him if the situation required so.

Finally Allen's eyes landed on Kanda. The swordsman's entire body was stiff as a board, Allen couldn't tell if he was still breathing. The only indication of life was those intense onyx eyes gazing into his.

Allen couldn't tell what feelings washed through his comrade, but he was sure in one.

Betrayal.

They have never been "friends", but they had a particular bond that couldn't really be explained. Even though they were aggravated in each other's presence, it was also a source of comfort. They could always trust the other to back them up, they could always rely on each other. It was an unsaid promise next to the secret - but mutual - respect.

Now it all went down the drain.

The relationships he built within the Order were gone. Cross was gone. His friends trust in him were gone. His trust in Mana was gone. His trust in his own self was gone.

His past, his future, his hopes, his promises, his whole life was... Gone.

He jerked out of his thoughts as Kanda whizzed past him, leaving a scent of green tea and sandalwood behind. The thought of Kanda leaving left an empty feeling in him.

But in the end everyone will, won't they? No one would want to stay by the side when he was a natural disaster that could strike any time. They would leave him, just like his parents did when it turned out he wasn't normal. In the end, he will be left behind again.

The sound of metal sliding woke him up from his depressed state.

"Kanda!" the indignant cries were ignored. Allen could feel the cold blade of Mugen from behind by right side of his neck.

"I'll do it. I'll kill him." He said in a determined voice. "Remember this feeling well, Beansprout. Because next time you feel it again it will be your last."

Allen let out a humourless laugh. "Even after all this time, you still won't say my name."

As quickly as the blade came, it was pulled back and placed back in its sheath. With that Kanda turned on his heels and left the room, indifferent towards the disarray he left. Kanda's little stunt have woken up the crowd from their shock. Komui, Lenalee, Krory, and Miranda approached him asking if he was alright. Tiedoll and Marie came to apologize for Kanda's behaviour, while Klaud, Sokalo and Chaoji just left. The two Central agents inspected the sight with critical eyes next to the recording Bookmen.

Despite the horrible mood he was in Allen found the edge of his mouth quirk up a little.

Even if his friends were just as insecure about these revelations as he was, they were still worried about him, they still cared. Allen wondered if Kanda knew this would happen when he passed over his message.

Dakikubi. In Japan when someone committed ritual suicide (which meant they would cut up their stomach) they'd have an assistant, who'd sever the victim's head leaving a tiny amount of flesh behind, so the head wouldn't fall to the ground. It was an extremely hard technique, that required outstanding swordsmanship.

Kanda meant to say three things.

First, if it came to worst, Kanda would quickly end his life so he wouldn't suffer. Because Kanda knew that Allen would sooner commit suicide than letting someone else get hurt.

Second, although Allen didn't see it, he could feel that Kanda pressed the dull side to his neck.

And lastly, seppuku was executed by samurais only. Warriors. Kanda just acknowledged him as his equal.

He trusted Kanda would finish him.

Kanda trusted that he would fight to the end.

It was an another unspoken promise.

Who was he to disappoint?