I stared at the ceiling, wide awake despite the time.
I wasn't sleeping, Peeta wasn't sleeping. We never do on this night. We never sleep on the night before the reaping. When we didn't sleep, normally it's because we were scared of what would come and haunt us. Only tonight, we are wakeful on thoughts of tomorrow, praying for her safety.
It was only a matter of time, of course. When I had pulled out those berries there was no going back. Now here I was, having broken everything I swore against. Yes, I loved Peeta Mellark truly. Only everything we have is a lie, a trick, an act. I live with him, I'm married to him, and I have a son and daughter by him. Forced into it. It was either have Prim killed or provide a child of my own to be slaughtered. At the time, it was such an easy decision. Anything for Prim. But then I realised it was the same for them. When I first felt her stirring inside me, I loved her, would tear the world apart for her. I cared for her so much, I feared her also. The guilt is unbearable. Bringing a child into the world, just to die before they saw their eighteenth birthday. Peeta can barely stand it. He cannot help but to torture himself whenever he sees any kind of innocence from them, which is always. Innocence described the pair of them perfectly.
Willow Mellark has a lot of Peeta in her. She has his long, thick blonde hair, enigmatic blue eyes, chalky pale skin. She is soft, amiable, sweet, gentle, clever but she is also like me. She is a strong, stubborn character. She has fight. Good for her. If she didn't have that, her life would have crushed her down like a bug.
Rye may look more like me, with his dark hair and olive skin, but we were as similar as day and night. He is Peeta's ganger; they are one and the same. He does not have the iron resolve like his sister and I. He is far more susceptible to the world's cruel. An easy target.
For the Capitol, it all worked out superbly. When Willow was finally born, it pretty much doused all the sparks of rebellion. No one ever thought that we would ever go that far. It made them doubt if it was just an act. That's all the Capitol needed. They swooped down straight away and publicised it as much as physically possible. We are the very models of the Capitol's power, how there is nobody strong enough to challenge them and win.
"They might not draw her, Katniss. I mean they haven't for the past four years." Peeta says softly, breaking the heavy silence.
"Don't kid yourself. Don't hope because you'll just get hurt all the more in the end. The whole point of her being born was so she could grow up a bit and then she'd be reaped and killed. The same will happen to Rye and to any more that we're forced into having." I reply dully. "And if any of them actually win, they'll have children and the exact same will happen to them. A few generations down, anybody that bears the name or blood of Mellark has a multiplied chance of being reaped. All in the name of a handful of berries, revenge and a non-existent rebellion."
I feel Peeta shift onto his side to face me but I don't meet his eyes yet. I just don't have the energy to move towards him.
"It was wrong. It's so wrong, what we did." I murmur, tears gathering in my eyes.
"We did what had to be done. We saved Prim."
"No. Don't try and justify it. We created two innocent children, knowing full well that we'd sentenced them to a short life or a horrific, miserable one."
I want him to reply, to keep the conversation going until we reach an end, a true closure, but we'd be talking forever. In the eerie silence, we cling to each minute, desperately trying to drag down time. But because it is what we run from, it comes about much faster. The sun rises over the horizon, illuminating our room with a golden wash. Normally Peeta loved the sun rise but today, it held nothing but the promise of his worst day.
