A/N: This was inspired by a chapter name in the fanfic "Bad things happening to Kyon" by TheP. I hope you don't mind me using the name, and thanks for the inspiration! Lol, two by fours... If you Haruhi fans haven't read it, I suggest you go do that sometime. It made me lol pretty hard at times. I was also inspired by a piece of fanart titled "Kyon Ikari", it was a pretty cool picture of Kyon in Shinji's plug suit. I don't know the guy's name who drew it, but if you look it up you'll probably find it. So anyway, I'm just making this story up as I go along, I do have some plot points fleshed out, but it's mostly going to be improvising, I hope you like surprises. Because there will be a few angles that I highly doubt anyone's ever thought of. Also hope you don't mind swearing, because I am a potty mouth…why doesn't spellcheck recognize the word 'goth'?
Disclaimer; I don't own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or Neon Genesis Evangelion, they belong to Nagaru Tanigawa and Hideaki Anno, respectively. If I did own it however, I would have made an ending that wasn't an acid trip for Evangelion, and I would have just completely scrapped endless eight for Haruhi, or at least made it shorter. I mean come on! Deja-vu is a great concept to work with and all, but I don't want to watch the same damn thing with little tiny variations over and over again!
(A/N: Hey guys, I decided to edit this, correct the orientation and fix misspellings, I've got some other chapters for this story and a few others, I'll update those when I can, stay in there readers! You've been awesome!)
Chapter One:
Behold, the celestial with a goth paint job descending
Thanks to Haruhi Suzumiya, eccentric among eccentrics, my journey through never-ending hell had begun.
-Kyon
I found myself standing outside on the street, in a city I did not know. The sun was out and it was hot, but it should be the middle of December! There wasn't a sign of other people for miles in any direction, either, except for a few abandoned cars. How did I get here? The last thing I remember...
I was in Nagato's apartment, she had called me in the middle of a Monday afternoon and told me to come immediately. Well, when Nagato says it's urgent, you'd better believe it. I was sitting across from her at the table, drinking some tea she made.
"So what's up?"
She sat there staring at me, as if collecting her thoughts.
"Nagato?"
"It is... difficult to put in words you might understand"
I took a sip of tea and waited for her explanation,
"At three hours, sixteen minutes and seven seconds, the entity had noticed another universe heading towards the one we now reside in, it is believed that the powers of Suzumiya Haruhi and a similar entity from the other universe are responsible for acting as a gravitational pull, attracting each universe to one another at incredible speeds"
This sounds dangerous...
"What can we do? Is there a way to stop this?"
"No"
"So we're screwed, right?"
"Screwed?"
"You know, screwed? There's nothing we can do?"
"That is redundant, but I digress; this merging cannot be prevented, however if you can find the alternate key to auto evolution, everything can be reset"
I sighed deeply,
"Why is it always up to me?"
"The reasons are not fully known or understood"
Thanks Nagato...
"So how long do we have?"
"Seventeen seconds"
I dropped my tea and jumped over the table, grabbing Nagato by the arms,
"Is there anything else you can tell me? What else do I need to know? anything?"
"Go with the flow"
"What?"
Now I'm here, outside a train station. Just where the hell am I? I read the sign above the station door;
Tokyo 3: Station 4
Tokyo three? Apparently somebody decided two Tokyos just wasn't good enough...
My school jacket was missing, and so was my cell, so I searched around for a payphone, Maybe I can call for help? I picked up the receiver only to be met with; "Due to a special state of emergency that has been declared, all lines are out of service"
Oh well... who was I going to call anyway? I dug in my pockets for some kind of clue, maybe Nagato left me a note or something? After a few seconds of digging, my fingers grazed the side of a piece of folded up paper. I greedily pulled it out of my pocket. It was an envelope with a message in it, is this the clue?
There was a picture of a very attractive older woman with purple hair in cut off shorts and a very revealing tank top,
To Kyon,
I'll come get you, so wait for me
There was an arrow pointing towards some very ample cleavage
Attention here please
I'm so confused... wait, there was another page;
Nephew, come to Tokyo 3
-Gendo Ikari
Well that doesn't help much. So what have I learned so far about this world? I have a tight-lipped uncle Gendo, and an older woman apparently has the hots for me. What the hell is going on? I was pondering my situation when I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, down the street. It appeared to be a blue haired girl in a school uniform,
"Nagato?" I said as I turned to get her attention, but she disappeared in a split second. Maybe I'm really somewhere in a padded room wearing a straightjacket, imagining all this stuff. It would only be a matter of time before I snapped anyway, being Haruhi's man-slave and all.
There was a distant rumbling as the buildings around me began to shake, and an ear piercing shriek as two objects flew just barely a few feet above my head.
"Cruise missiles? are we at war or something?" I shouted to no one in particular, covering my ears.
Maybe the other universe had a japan that could still declare war? There was a steady thump as if something huge was walking towards me, as it passed by a nearby mountain, I saw something being chased by VTOL fighters. VTOL fighters? When did they start making those?
It was huge, with a humanoid shape. It looked like a celestial had gotten a goth paint job, it was all black, with white, bony protrusions from it's chest like a ribcage, surrounding some kind of huge red crystal, and some kind of bony white shoulder blades with a bird like skull face above the center of it's torso. I just can't believe my luck sometimes... remind me to strangle Haruhi next time I see her.
It eyed the fighters curiously as they floated around it, I'm guessing this was the first time it had ever seen machines. Suddenly and without warning, the fighters started unloading everything they had at the thing. They fought viciously, like the three hundred Spartans at Thermopylae, but their ammo didn't seem to have any effect whatsoever. Just what is this thing made of?
It started to look incredibly annoyed and extended it's arm towards a nearby fighter, piercing it with some kind of energy beam. I hope the pilot's death was quick and painless, because that didn't look very pleasant. The fighters continued to bombard it, when a few stealth fighters swooped by and dropped a whole payload of napalm on the monster, still having no effect.
Napalm? In a city? is this world run by maniacs?
There was a screech of tires as a sports car skidded to a stop nearby,
"Sorry to keep you waiting, quick, get in!" It was the woman from the photo.
I didn't have any better options so I obeyed and jumped in.
"Buckle up, it's gonna get bumpy!" she said as she sped off with complete disregard for traffic laws and maybe a few laws of physics. It's a really good thing she showed up when she did though, because that thing jumped over to where we just were. We probably would have been crushed under it's massive foot, and if that hadn't killed us, we'd be toasted by another load of napalm.
"Sorry I'm late!"
Don't apologize, I had no idea when you were supposed to come anyway.
"They had a tank battalion waiting for it when it came out of the water... it was wiped out"
"A whole tank battalion? You can't be serious!" I replied incredulously
"I'm afraid I am. We've hit it with just about everything we have, cruise missiles, napalm strikes, AC-130 attacks... Even high explosive, Armor piercing warheads don't seem to upset it much."
It looked pretty pissed to me!
"You seem pretty calm, given the situation" she said
Only on the outside!
"So... just what the hell is that thing?" I asked flatly, As a pair of Mitsubishi F-2's swooped overhead to deliver a surgical strike.
"That thing... is called an angel"
