Rancid and Other Bastards
This was made by one messed-up person. I'm using someone else's computer, so flames will be useless. Lots of swearing, but then, I rated it R, so don't complain.
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Dear Mrs. Harriet, We are sending you to collection, you slimy shitass of a bastard. We would like to sell you a new coaster roller. It is covered with a divine orange poopy-colored material. If our hotdog appeals you, call 1-800-TRY-BEANO-US. If you do not respond in twenty minutes, your hair will slap you until your nose is shaped like a one-eyed pig. Sincerely, Head of the State-of-the-Art Shito School for Slug Lickers.
"Someone hit me, I think this piece of paper just bit me," said Harry, crumpling up the letter and stomping on it. "Ah, Ron, could you tell me what the hell this letter is trying to tell me?"
"Uh, I got one, too," said Ron, looking afraid. "It told me to stop picking my nose during class or I would be turned into a fat mouse on skates."
The two walked down the hall to Snape's class, laughing their heads off and never dreaming of taking it as seriously as they should have. As they entered the Potions dungeon, Snape gave them a rather pleasantly horrid grin.
"What the hell is that pompous windbag laughing at?" Hermione whispered, as Snape started to trail off on some poinltess lesson. Hermione whispered over to Harry, who was trying to shake something off his shoe. "Hey, read this weird letter I got this morning."
"You too, huh?" said Harry, taking her letter. He burst out laughing from the first word, repeating, 'Hermit the Crab Apple' over and over. His outburst caught Snape's attention.
"Is there something you would like to share with everyone?"
"No, madam--er, I mean, sir."
"What did you say?" Malfoy interrupted. "He just called you a woman! What are you gonna do about that, Snape?"
"Shut your hole, Malfoy!" yelled Ron.
"That's enough, you guys. And as for you, Harry, well it's into the hog wash for you. Hit the Hay. See you next fall's moldy poison. In other words, get out."
"Ha ha! I think you should make him lick my shoes with turtle dung on them," laughed Malfoy.
"Malfoy, shut your trap or you will be eating the gum off your desk," snarled Snape, his face turning a very interesting shade of purple.
Harry exited Snape's class as Snape started mumbling jumbo under his breath. He still had Hermione's letter in his hand, and saying it aloud he read it.
Dear Hermit Crab Apple, you wise-cracking ass jack, Let's cut the small chat. I'm on to you--I know that your socks don't match, so you owe me twenty broom bristles. I know you plan on hiding dog poopy in my shoe. You have been warned. Love, Aunt Fart Lovin' Fart Lover.
As he finished the letter and looked up, he saw Snape walking from the opposite direction and stopped him.
"Hey, you ass eyes, get b ack to my class or I will have you prosecuted."
"But you just......" Harry started. "Hey, wait a minute. If that was Snape, then who was the other one? Oh, shit, THEY'RE MULTIPLYING!" he groaned, as Snape caught his arm and started dragging him up to the nurse's office.
"Come on," he said, as Harry dug his heels into the floor.
"Mrs. Humpernickle, will you see to it that Harry gets two big doses of MDI med? If you know what I mean."
"Oh, God, no! Please, I'm not crazy, I swear! There was two Snapes!" cried Harry, as the nurse tied him to the bed and pasted a little pink bow to his head, saying 'Nuisance'.
"Ya, sure hon. Just like I ate a purple monkey for dinner......Oh, wait, I haven't had dinner yet. Oh, well, anyways. If you don't stop wiggling I'll have to get big tanny down. I don't think you'll like that."
Harry started screaming.
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To be continued.................
(For the love of God, don't ask. Just review.)
