AN. In the episode "Limo vs. Lambo" of the mtv show Viva La Bam, Ryan Dunn is seriously strapped to a lie detector and when asked by Dico if he has ever had a boyfriend, Ryan had paused, said "No." and then they found out he was lying. It gave me the idea for this.
Disclaimer: Viva La Bam does not belong to me. I give full credit to the fact that there ARE some scene in this story that actually DID happen in that episode (mainly the entire beginning), but be aware that I have edited the scenes a lot. I also do not own Homewrecker, Bam's Unholy Union, Jackass, and any other show that can possibly be tied to this. Most of all, I do not own any of the characters. Bam belongs to himself and so forth. This is for entertainment purposes, and I am not at all insisting that any of these events have or ever will happen. Though we could dream, right?
Boyfriend
Ryan
I felt the warm sun beating down on my bare chest, as I sunbathed by the swimming pool. It felt good being outside after being in house arrest. Bam's Lambo had been taken from his garage, and Bam was getting very paranoid. Worse, he was blaming me for all of this, saying that I was the most suspicious, just because we were scheduled to race. It was bullshit. I didn't move the Lambo. I sighed and lazily looked up at the clouds that were slowly crossing overhead. I closed my eyes and drifted to sleep.
I heard the sound of footsteps, but before I could tell where they were coming from I was drenched in a pan of warm chicken. I jumped up from the lawn chair, covered in sauce, the aluminum pan rattling.
"What the..?!"
"You fucking took the Lambo!" Bam accused childishly. That was so like him, to be childish.
"I didn't take the Lambo!" I yelled instantly. God, I had had just about enough of these accusations.
"Yes you did!"
I stared at Bam as if he were insane. I stalked closer.
"Well what.. Okay, if you didn't take it, who did?" Bam challenged as he hid behind Novak. I wasn't going to do anything to Bam, but I guess my face betrayed that.
"I don't know!"
"Well, how am I supposed to find out?" Bam sighed.
"I know," Novak pitched in.
"What?" Bam asked, aggravated.
"A lie detector test. One of those things got me six months. You can't cheat it."
Bam smiled. "Are you gonna take a lie detector test?"
"Fine, yeah. Find one and I'll take it." I rolled my eyes.
"Oh, we'll get one."
I drove the gang to Borough of West Chester, where Bam said he knew where to find a lie detector guy. We made our way into a polygraph room and Bam started explaining his situation to a guy by the fake name "George", an x CIA guy.
"Basically, one of these, friends of mine, is a complete liar, cuz my Lamborghini is gone and I know that they know who did it, or they did it themselves."
George strapped up Novak first.
"Brandon, have you ever been polygraphed before?"
"…Yes."
"You did? How'd you do? Pretty good I bet? No problem?"
"I got six months."
We started laughing and George explained what we were going to do.
I crossed my arms in my chair and watched, laughing every now and then at one of the answers. Then it dawned on me. What were they going to ask me?
They had saved suspicious me for last. It was my turn and I was strapped to a ton of weird-ass wires. I sat still and waited for the questions.
"This is so stupid." I muttered.
Bam and Dico sat closest to the detector to see the lines that would signify true or false.
"Do you really think, your hunk of shit limo is going to beat my Lamborghini in a race?" Bam said with his tough guy facade. His eyes though, looked sorry.
"As soon as I get the light weight flywheel…yeah."
Bam chewed on the inside of his cheek. "Yes or no?"
"Yes."
They checked the detector, and I was relieved to see there was a straightish line. I myself wasn't sure if I was telling the truth. Maybe this wasn't going to be so bad.
"Ryan…?" Bam started with a malicious smile.
"Have you ever had a boyfriend?!" Dico asked with a grin.
I heard Novak laugh behind me, and I couldn't help laugh too. Basically because I was giving myself some time to think on what to say. I shyly looked away from Bam.
"No." I gulped.
I saw Bam and Dico lean over, and I caught a peek. There was a squiggly line going wild and they had broke out laughing. My face burned, and I glanced over at Bam, who was doing pretty well at laughing. Bam took the liberty of cutting off the laughter himself by ridiculing me more. Fuck.
Bam
I didn't intended to be so mean to Ryan. God, I was such an asshole. But I guess I couldn't help worry about my Lambo. I slept away the rest of the day, to get my mind off of it.
I felt someone beating me with a steal chair and jumping on top of me. I didn't bother to open my eyes and felt myself being dragged out of bed. I was too out of it to even tell whether I was dressed or not.
Wait, was I naked?
I grabbed my heartagram blanket and covered up my privates as I was dragged out into the living room by Evil Jared Hasselhoff. I looked down and sighed in relief that I was at least wearing boxers.
"Bambo Lambo." Jimmy Pop dropped the keys in front of my face. My eyes went wide.
"WHAT?! You have it?" I shot up. "You fucking had the Lambo the whole time?!"
Jimmy laughed. "Yeah."
"You fuck! I was gonna call the police." I said, my eyes teary and a lump in my throat.
"Who gave you the keys?"
Jimmy Pop smiled. "Oh we just took it because there was a scratch."
"Yeah, we took it to Maaco." Evil Jared pitched in as Jimmy suddenly ripped off Evil Jared's T-shirt off. I laughed.
"We called TV's Ryan Dunn and told him all about it." Evil Jared continued.
"You told Ryan?! I took him to a lie detector test and he passed!"
Jimmy Pop came a bit closer. "Aw, come on those don't work. Can I kiss you?"
I blinked away a blush and forced a laugh.
"I asked Ryan everything! I said did you hide it, did you move it.." then it dawned on me. "God, I never asked him if he knew who took it. I'm a fucking idiot." Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I went out to the deck where everyone else was to tell them the news.
"Yeah. I called you… like 17 times. And I left messages… I even say dirty things on it to think that would make you mad and get you all fired up and you'd call me." Jimmy Pop flirted.
I felt my face burning and laughed it off again.
Ryan
God today was awful. I was hoping that Bam wouldn't find his Lambo, but he did.
Bam came out on top as usual.
I couldn't help smile at the image that came up in my head right then.
My dumb limo had given out, and Don Vito in the back wasn't helping. Fatass.
I lost.
The bet was that if I lost I would have to dress in a show girl outfit and French Raab. I was almost willing to go for it, but the rest of the gang was still making fun of me because of the lie detector incident. I didn't want to push it.
In the end, Bam had done both laugh and puke, and now we were even.
I couldn't take being in the house anymore. Especially after everyone kept laughing at me. I kept thinking back to how Bam had laughed too. Why did he have to know? Now I knew that Bam would never want to be with a guy like me. I decided to just go out and drive for a while, and I slapped myself when I was standing outside like an idiot, finally remembering that my limo was no more. I sighed and went back into the house for Bam's keys. I decided to leave a note. After all, I didn't want to see that teary puppy dog look that Bam always gets when something gets to him.
Hey Bam.
My limo is dead because of you. I'm a few grand short of fixing it, so I took your precious…
I shook my head and crossed it out. I wasn't writing a fucking ransom letter for Pete's sake.
Hey Bam.
I don't have a car anymore, so I decided to borrow your Lambo for a bit to go out. I'll get it back to you soon, so don't get whiney about it.
-Ryan
I nodded. That sounded better.
I replaced the keys on the table with my cheap-ass chicken scratch note and looked back before I stepped out into the cold night breeze.
Bam
God, I couldn't stop thinking about it. Those damn squiggly lines. I kept seeing them every time I closed my eyes. Ryan's had a boyfriend. Does he still have one? Dico said 'had' right? Who was it? Oh wow, Ryan's had a boyfriend….
It was late at night and I couldn't sleep. I knew more than anything what I wanted to do, but I was waiting for morning. He'd be sleeping so late at night. I shouldn't bother him with my stupidity. But still….
I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep at all if I continued to wait until morning, so I decided to just go do it.
I was feeling a bit bad for putting Ry down so much just for the sake of the show, anyways. That was reason enough to go to his room, right? And if I feel up to it then I could…
I got out of bed and grabbed my ratty heartagram blanket before I could change my mind, dragging it along through the moonlight. I felt something crunch under my bare foot and instantly jumped back.
"Fuck." I whispered in disappointment as I crouched down and noticed I just stepped on my favorite pair of sunglasses, which Ryan had given me for no special reason on a Thursday a few months ago. I held the broken pieces in my hands and felt myself getting teary….
God, I had to stop being such a baby about everything!
I stood up and dropped the broken sunglasses, kicking myself for being so immature.
…Then again, I was getting up in the middle of the night and dragging my favorite ratty blanket along with me to go sleep in Ry's bed because I was too impatient to tell him something 'important'….
If that wasn't immature….
I slapped my forehead and sighed, wondering what to do. I shifted my weight from one foot to another, arguing with myself. I finally decided on going through with it anyways, embarrassed at myself as I picked up my stupid blanket off the floor and started dragging it along again, out my room door and towards Ryan's.
I slowed down a bit as I got closer, my heart thumping. I had never even seen the inside of Ryan's room. I stopped in front of the door and listened for a moment.
Wait, what the hell am I listening for?
I turned the knob and pushed the door open. I couldn't see through the dark much, but something told me he wasn't here. I sighed in mixed emotion and let myself in anyways, tripping on piles of clothes and shoes along the way. I finally made my way over to what I was hoping to be the bed, and felt for the mattress. It was covered too with piles of clothes. Where did he get all this clothes?
I grabbed what I hopped was the blanket and gave it a yank to throw the clothes off the bed, but instead I ended up yanking a shirt out from underneath a pile too hard, and fell back onto my ass on the floor. I was silent for a moment, bewildered, but what I was doing suddenly struck me as funny. I laughed like a maniac in the dark. I scared myself to a stop, and got up and shoved all the clothes off the bed by hand instead, and climbed in under Ryan's blanket, pulling my own over it.
"mmm." I had never known how good it would feel to be in Ryan's bed, and I hadn't imagined it to be like this. I closed my eyes.
Ryan
I found the note still in it's place, exactly how I left it. Bam hadn't found it. He had probably turned in early. I re-read the note with a grin and crumpled it up, replacing it with his keys. I made my way upstairs to turn in, kicking off my shoes halfway up.
I walked slower, making sure I didn't make a sound as I passed Bam's room. His door was cracked open like it always was. I always used to wonder if there was a specific reason he left the door like that. The urge to peek inside shot through my body. No. He could have been masturbating in there again for all I knew. I couldn't invade his privacy. Then again….
No. I shook the image out of my head, though I had already gotten a hard on at the image of him stroking his genitals to orgasm, and walked a little faster straight past his room, with my eyes on my door the entire time. I made my way to the door finally, and pushed it open, already intending to do something with my hard on that would require me to lock my door…
I locked it and made my way to the bed through the dark and climbed in under the blankets.
…blankets?
….Since when did I have two?
Something moved beside me and I jumped out of bed with a short scream.
Just then I noticed what it was and clasped my hands over my mouth. Shit.
It was Bam.
And he was sleeping.
….in my bed.
Oh God, what is Bam doing in my bed? Bam's in my bed. Bam's in my bed?
I rubbed my eyes and came a bit closer squinting. Maybe I was a little too turned on by the image a minute ago, that I was starting to imagine Bam in my bed. Yeah. That had happened before.
He turned his back towards me and I knew right then that this was no perverted illusion.
Was he waiting for me?
I started to back away towards the door. I could just pretend that I never came in here… that I fell asleep on the couch downstairs when I got home…
I tripped on a pair of shoes and fell back, slamming into the closet. I cringed.
Bam lifted his head at the sound and squinted through the dark.
"Ry?"
I stood up and rubbed my neck. "Yeah."
He chuckled. "What did you do?"
"I sorta tripped."
Bam looked around. He rubbed his head sleepily. "What time is it?"
I glanced at the alarm clock that was on the floor. "4 in the morning."
"Fuck, where've you been?" He tilted his head.
I stood mute for a minute before I remembered the crumpled up note in my pocket. "Ah, I just went out for a drive for a while."
"With my Lambo?" He laughed. "So now you take it."
I laughed, and then the room was filled with awkward silence.
"Hey, come here."
I blinked. "What?"
"It's your bed, now get in it."
"Please tell me you're not naked." I joked.
He then lifted the covers and peeked inside. "Naw, I'm in boxers." He said with a straight voice.
I stopped short at that. Oh wow.
"Hurry up it's freezing." He held the blankets up for me to come inside.
I hesitantly got in bed. He covered me up and shivered, sliding deeper into the blankets. My heart was thumping so loud I bet he could hear it. My hard on was not going away. I shut my eyes tight.
"Were you waiting up for me?" I asked finally, trying to understand why exactly he was here. In bed. Next to me. Of all the times.
"Uh, yeah. Sort of."
"Oh.."
"See, I wanted to tell you something."
I blinked. "What?"
He went silent for a really long time. "Uh…sorry about… putting you on the spot all day."
I felt a twinge of relief and disappointment. "Oh. Yeah. Forget about it."
He gripped tight onto the corner of one of the blankets, which I then noticed was his favorite blanket, with heartagrams printed all over. I imagined him dragging it here.
He sighed. "Okay, listen. That's not why I'm here. See, there's something I really want to tell you. I was gonna wait till morning and all, but I couldn't sleep and I figured that I would just get it over with. But Ry, please promise me you won't take it badly, or say anything negative. Please, if you're going to take it bad, just don't say anything and cut me some slack, alright?" He pleaded.
I nodded, but then realize he probably couldn't see it. "Alright."
He took in a breath. I felt him shifting closer, and I froze when I felt him take my hand underneath the blankets. Oh my god.
"Sorry. I'm just doing this now because if you take it bad I may never get the chance to do this."
I nodded, barely being able to make out his words with the new distraction. I gently gripped his hand a little tighter.
"Ry… you know how… Dico asked you… if you ever had a boyfriend, and … the lie detector said… you know… that you were lying when you said no?"
"Yeah." I swallowed.
"Was…was the lie detector right? You know, have you… had a boyfriend?"
Oh god. I remembered how everybody had laughed. What would Bam say? There was no point in denying it. They had all seen it with their own eyes, and even if I did deny it he probably wouldn't believe me.
"Yeah. I have."
He went silent for a moment, taking in the confirmation. I expected him to bound out of the room right then, but surprisingly his grip on my hand got tighter.
"Then does that mean that your…?"
I swallowed. "I'm bi." I confessed.
He nodded. "So you're attracted to chicks and guys huh?"
"Yes." I whispered.
I heard him laugh quietly.
"Are you… attracted to me?" He asked curiously.
My face burned. Oh god, what could I say?! Would he laugh if I confessed? Would he be freaked out? Deny it. But what if I offend him by saying no?
Before I could answer he inched his face a bit closer.
"Because Ry, I love you."
Thank you for reading sweethearts!
