Undisclosed Desires

Chapter 1: Acceptance

Ichigo Kurosaki stared lazily out of the window as he fiddled with his tie. Even now, in Summer, the occasional light shower of rain appeared to run the risk of him having to drag the umbrella out of the tiny closet by his front door.

He'd been told time and time again to at least attempt being content with his tiny apartment, for the sake of a little peace, but he couldn't take it for much longer. Besides, once the weather began to drop, he'd need a place somewhat more reliable with heating. The walls of the cramped two-bedroom dwelling were too thin for his liking.

Someone whimpered in the next room. Slinging his work jacket over his shoulder, he slid out of the little place he had quite vague reasoning to call his bedroom. More than anything, it was just a hole which happened to contain, barely, a creaky double bed and his bulky closet.

There were only four rooms in total. That would be the bathroom, his own room, the open, yet very small, kitchen-dining-living area, and the room he now crept into.

The one-year-old's little grey eyes lit up as he came in wearing a simple smile. It was the one he expected to see every morning, as it belonged to the closest family member he had. And then, how ironic that it was actually the man who smiled the least.

Hiroshi Kurosaki lived alone with his father, Ichigo. In the one year and several months that he had lived he had known nothing other than the warm, gentle care that his father provided. But the truth was, it wasn't always like that. Things had been different at one time in the past.

It never occurred to the child that something was missing. He was too young to know what was happening when he actually had everything he needed.

When the weather was nice, on a Sunday afternoon, if Ichigo took him out in the flimsy old stroller for some air, Hiroshi wouldn't even think about what was missing when they saw other little families, the ones with three main members.

He had spent an exact year of his life so far without his mother.

"What's wrong then, Hiro?" Ichigo lifted the stubby, night-suit adorned baby out of his crib and held him at his shoulder. The baby pressed his palm flat against his father's face and murmured a chorus of baby-gibberish.

Chuckling to himself, he strolled to the dining section of the next room and placed Hiroshi, with great difficult due to his wriggling, into his high chair. Draping his jacket, which he just realised had been beneath Hiro, over one of the chairs at the table, he checked the time on his watch.

Five more minutes... I should probably start.

He grabbed a little plastic bowl from the kitchen cupboard and constructed a bowl of cereal. Pulling up a seat, he covered both Hiroshi and himself with little kitchen towels; the necessary protection during breakfast.

Ichigo dug the dinosaur spoon into the bowl and held it out to Hiro, who was caught off guard after pawing at the towel. He stared intently at the utensil, possibly thinking about how much he wanted it.

After testing him by poking him from several different angles, the baby gave in and latched onto the spoon with a scarily firm grip. Then there was a knock at the door.

Ichigo carefully pulled the spoon away from him and jogged over to the entrance. He swung the door open and was relieved to be met by the faces of his two sisters.

"Good morning, Ichi-nii!" Yuzu sang with a bright, cheery expression, as per usual. Karin smiled her greeting to him, half a metre behind her.

"Hey, come on in," he gestured them to follow by stepping back.

The girls skipped inside and closed the door behind them. "Where's my little nephew?" Yuzu hunted Hiroshi down and crept over to him with her arms up, which made him kick about and giggle. She sat down and took the spoon. Yuzu was a natural with young children, and still held the record for fastest feeding.

Karin hung back near the door and watched Ichigo with concern. He pulled on his jacket and picked up his briefcase. "Are you okay, Ichi-nii?" she whispered to him.

After a rather positive start to the morning, Ichigo's smile started to fade. Everything he'd been holding back rushed up and lingered at the surface. "S-sure, I mean, I have to get over it eventually, right? I have to keep going, for Hiroshi..."

"Nobody expects you to walk around like you're fine, we all feel for you... and we're here for when you need us, like today," Karin put her hand on his shoulder. She glanced over at the calender, and found that nothing was written in today's slot. Maybe it was something he didn't want to label, or even think about too much. Though, if that was the case, she couldn't blame him.

"Thanks for coming over, things are starting to get desperate. I'm gonna have to find a new babysitter soon, or they'll fire me. I think I'm starting to take advantage of their sympathy now... it's not right, I can't keep taking days off work to look after Hiro..."

"Don't worry about it," Yuzu chimed in, turning her head from where she was quite expertly shovelling the cereal into the baby, "we're always happy to come and look after him. Actually, it's the best thing about Saturdays!"

"Oh, that reminds me, Karin. If Usui calls here, can you tell him to call my cell? He said he'd ring to check with me about the flowers, and I'm just gonna wait to hear from him before I tell him that I'm dropping by the store to pick them up after work."

The white calla lilies had been specially ordered. He still felt a little awkward about all of his efforts to get the flowers, but it didn't really matter. It was the anniversary, although a painful one. He had to hold his head high and do what he needed to. Taking his girlfriend's favourite flowers to the shrine built to commemorate her death, one year after she and many other innocent people were killed, was what he needed to do.

Orihime Inoue was his everything, and she still haunted his mind, every single day. At first he thought he couldn't go on without her, but he soon remembered Hiroshi. Their son was all he had left of her, and he fought as hard as he could to hold onto that piece of her life, still lingering around to sting whenever her name was mentioned.

Of course, he couldn't blame his poor son. He was born to two young parents who both loved him dearly, and he had nothing to do with his mother's death. It was all an accident, it wasn't supposed to happen. Everything was going so well, and then one event lead to another until the point where things were looking up. And then their happiness was smashed in an instant.

Everybody was left broken. Not a single soul could hold back their tears when they heard that Orihime been a part of that terrible accident. She was like the sun, so bright and beautiful, shining all the time. It just depended on where you were standing. But the world had gotten darker for them, despite the new little sun, Hiroshi. He was just a loveable as she was, and when everyone was trying to accept her death, they came and saw the little baby, who's grey eyes so closely resembled those of his mother.

It was impossible to ignore the child. He was the gift that she had left behind her. Even though nobody could truly forget Orihime Inoue, the beautiful, adorable, charismatic, caring, generous and wonderfully weird high school student who lit the skies.

Ichigo didn't say much more to his sisters before he left for work. He trusted them more than anyone else, his father in particular, when it came to caring for his son. Not just anyone would do, and even though he was sure things could get very desperate, he would have to remember that when picking a babysitter.

Work was sometimes just too slow. It wasn't too difficult, but sometimes it was just so boring that he was thankful to have an office cubicle by the window, so there was at least something to look at while pondering over his task. He worked in a large, newly-built office tower that has gone up in the middle of Karakura when he was roughly twenty years old.

It caused a lot of trouble, but it brought many new jobs with it. Ichigo had been quick to send in his application soon after he found out that Orihime was pregnant. There were many different types of things available, but he wasn't trained for anything, so he had to find something simple.

Further than he'd hoped from simple, he got a job as a data processor. It was hard to get used to at first, but once he got the hang of it, it was easy for him. It was all numbers and figures, so with the right amount of focus it could be done.

His employers knew very well what today meant. One year since the death of the girl he loved. They were very supportive of him and his family, because he was a good worker, so they put him on lighter duties for the day. Most other people in the office were happy to put in an extra half an hour so that he could get to the shrine before it got dark.

Many of them were quite fond of Ichigo, which was quite strange to him, considering the events of his high school life. But Orihime had helped to wipe the scowl off his face, and it so rarely appeared now. People could finally see who he really was. Of course, the more shallow of the girls working there admired him for his looks, but some really cared about him.

When he reached the office, people watched him silently as he trudged through the labyrinth of cubicles until he reached his own. Throwing his jackets down on the chair, he slumped down into the seat and turned on his laptop. He stared at his thumbs as he waited.

"Ah, ohayo Kurosaki-san," his boss said as he waddled past. Gohou Hayate was a small, round man with a half-bald head. Ichigo, and many others, were lucky to have him as their boss. He was quite a generous man, and he looked out for all of his employees, Ichigo in particular.

That man had been through a very similar experience. His wife was killed in the same accident that lifted Orihime right out of his life. After it had happened, the two of them became closer through mutual sympathy.

Luckily for him, Gohou was happy to help as much as he could. He knew how much Ichigo loved his girlfriend and how much he didn't want to ship Hiroshi off to live with his grandfather. But the help would have to stop soon. It wasn't fair for Ichigo to request so much time off work any more, he needed to work harder and earn his place.

Throughout his day, he had many sympathetic words from his work colleagues, wishing him and his young son well. However, despite how thankful he was, all he could think about was how it was useless. Nobody could bring her back, and he could never feel right again without her.

The assignment he was given was quite easy. He just had to sort through some factory figures, although it did take him the whole day. But it left him with enough time for three cups of coffee, and the time to read the messages that his sisters sent to him, telling him about Hiroshi's progress on learning to walk.

Everything was finished before seven o'clock, his usual departure from work. He quickly escaped the large office building, the sun was setting outside. There were still two jobs to complete before he could go home, and they were very important.

Fortunately, the building was in a good location, the very centre of Karakura. It took five minutes to get to the flower shop. It was only a few minutes later than he walked out of the store, holding the large bouquet of lilies. The shrine was built in the cemetery by the hospital.

Ichigo reached the peaceful garden just as the sky was burning orange, and a fraction of the bright yellow sun could be seen in the horizon. The tall stone monument was in the far corner, close to the hedge. In the day, the trees seemed to part in just the right place, so that the light was shining directly down on the shrine.

He passed a teary-eyed teenage girl as he walked over, it seemed as if she had just come by to leave something, but he couldn't tell what. Fresh flowers had been placed all around the statue today, he could see that the older ones had been taken away, too.

Then his eyes flickered up to the top plaque. It read 'To commemorate the souls that were stolen in the Jentohanzu Hospital attack.' That was what they called it, an attack. He hated that word so much, because of them.

Underneath the top plate, there was a large metal plaque that read the names of everybody who was killed. He traced over them and searched until he found the name he was looking for. Orihime Inoue. Every time he saw it in print, he was sure that it was engraved on his heart.

It was the name he could never forget.

Ichigo laid down the flowers in the space closest to her name, and stared at them, wavering about slightly in the breeze. He watched the people walk past him, behind him. It wasn't too long before he watched the sky grow dark, too.

Then an elderly couple strolled over, holding a bouquet of daises. They had sad eyes, but they smiled kindly to him. He muttered a short, polite, "Good evening," and left.

When he got back in, it was creeping up very close to eight o'clock. "Ichi-nii!" Yuzu whispered from the kitchen. She waved at him with a ladle. He smiled at her and once again, peeled his jacket from his skin and threw it over one of the dining table chairs.

"I was just warming up your soup," she said, dishing a portion of it into a bowl. She skipped over and placed it at the table, where she had already prepared a plate of bread.

"Oh, arigatou," he said, in a daze but quite genuinely. He sat down and started eating.

From where he was sitting, he could see Karin and Hiroshi asleep on the sofa. His favourite picture book, 'The Ten Puppies', was on the wooden coffee table. Hiro was snuggled right up to his aunt, who was cuddling him in just as much.

His sisters left half an hour later. Hiroshi was put to bed, although he didn't really know about it. After everything was cleared away, Ichigo had nothing left to do. Tomorrow was his day off, he never worked on Sundays.

Normally, he would go to bed at the same time, because a day full of Hiroshi could be tiring. Sometimes if they were out in a street, if Hiro liked the look of a shop he wouldn't rest until he'd been in there and examined at least half of the items that he could reach at his level.

But tomorrow wouldn't be like every other Sunday. Tomorrow he would have to choose a person to have in his house every day, somebody he would have to trust to care for his son while he worked. This was a day he had anticipated for weeks, since the last babysitter left. It hurt, somehow, that he would have to choose this the day after the anniversary.

The one who cared the most couldn't be here any more, she couldn't look after her son any more... So he would just have to accept it, right? It wouldn't be easy, he knew that already.

He had to wait.

Ichigo woke up with a headache. The same nightmare he always had crept back up to his mind, once again. A dream in which everything was lost. He was left with nothing. It felt too real, it felt as if this would really happen if he made the wrong choice. That was why he couldn't will himself to get out of bed at first.

He stretched his arm to the patch of floor next to his bed and picked up the small frame. It contained a picture of Orihime, one he took of her wearing her yukata. He couldn't remember too well when he took it, but he guessed that it was Tanabata.

This was the only picture that he kept around. It was actually one of the only few he had. Whenever his sisters or father would ask to take a picture of them, he would say no. He thought he wouldn't need any, and that she would be right by him forever...

With that memory, he put the frame back and rolled out of bed. He was only wearing an old, slightly tight t-shirt and long pyjama pants. After checking his watch, also lying on the floor next to his bed, he saw that it was quite late. Almost ten o'clock.

He shuffled into Hiro's room and watched the young boy sleep. Then he began to wonder what he and his aunt's had been doing on the previous day. But at least, whatever it was, it wore him out. Hiro's grey eyes fluttered open, and his mouth curved into an 'o' as he yawned.

"Morning, Hiro," Ichigo grinned, and held out his hand. The baby grabbed at it, and played with his fingers with a look of deep concentration. He certainly had no idea what was supposed to be going later that day.

Thinking more clearly about it, there were only four candidates. He would only spend a couple of minutes talking to each, to talk over their applications. It was so simple, yet he felt strangely worked up about it.

This is stupid.

He sighed and lifted Hiroshi out of his crib. It was creeping close to eleven, the time of the arrival of the first possible babysitter. At this point, Hiroshi had been fed and dressed, and was now sitting back in his crib, testing the durability of a rubber cow.

Ichigo was barely dressed, standing at the mirror in the bathroom. A plain glare stared back at him through the mirror as he rubbed his wet hair with a towel, dressed only in a pair of dark blue jeans. He wasn't sure exactly what he was looking at through the steam, but he wasn't too proud of it. This was an image of a person he never wanted to be. An Ichigo Kurosaki without one of the people he swore to protect, without the girl he came to love more than anything else in existence.

All he could see was a man who failed at protecting what he loved, one who couldn't do his job properly, and most importantly, one who failed at being a good father.

Again, he exhaled deeply, with a subtle kind of frustration. Then he pulled his shirt over his head and stepped out of the bathroom. Just as he pulled a folder of applications out from the small drawer under the little table by the entrance, there was a knock on the door. He cursed at himself.

No, he thought, this is fine. I need to do this. It's for Hiro.

Perhaps that was debatable. It could have been for others to. For his tiny family consisting of himself and Hiro, because Ichigo needed to support his son by working. For his workplace, because he couldn't rely on them to give him time off to look after his son when his family couldn't make it over to look after him. Lastly, for Orihime.

She was never supposed to leave them, or him. She loved them both so much that surely this was some kind of godly punishment. Her son deserved the best care that he could find, because his own mother couldn't be reached any more. So he would just have to find it.

He inhaled and pulled open his door. Quickly pondering over how he seemed to be exhaling more than inhaling recently, he saw the first applicant. Then his heart stopped, his lungs sank and his stomach twisted.

Whatever and whoever was standing at the door, their grey eyes and auburn hair looked a lot like a girl he used to know.

Don, don, don.

Hiya, I'm a moron so I apparently just can't explain myself at the top of the first chapter of a story. This is my new fan fiction! It's Ichihime-ful and possibly rather angsty and fluffy because that's how I roll.

I shouldn't be doing this considering the other stories I'm committed to updating, but pfft, screw the rules. I couldn't resist this idea once it popped up in my head full of unicorns, rainbows and brocoli clouds that rain blood.

Normally, I don't begin a story by uploading just the first chapter, either. I usually prepare a couple to start myself off in advance. But I can't be bothered, and this isn't going to be a super-duper-long story, definitely no more than twenty chapters and perhaps an epilogue if everything turns out beautiful.

But! Here's where you come in! I won't have a lot of interest in this, although I'm liking the idea of it, unless I see that some of you reader folk want to see more! So! It would be really lovely if you left a review, telling me what you thought of this!

Lots of love to you, stranger, please return!3

~HellYus