Author: CIAlias

Disclaimer: Alas, Alias does not belong to me, nor do the characters in this story, etc., etc.

A/N: Okay, well this isn't my first fan fic, but it's the first one I'm posting, due to the prodding of some people. Anyway, I don't think it's anything good, but it's been sitting in my computer for god knows how long. Well, let me know what you think, positive or negative! And this was written before we knew about Lazarey really being a live. Should give you a good idea how old this is ;)

We All Fall Down

One of her better memories of her mom was when she was around 5 years old. It was a Saturday afternoon spent in the park, the sun warming the skin of children playing and adults reading, the wind caressing each face. Her father had been called into work so he couldn't make it for the family's play date. Not that he'd always been the gruff, alienated man he is today. No, only since her mother had died and crushed his soul. She'd been a little upset, at least as upset as a five-year old could be when the father she admires and rarely sees can't spare a few moments for her.

Her mother though, had sensed her gloom and told her, i "Why don't I teach you a song?" i She'd readily agreed, a smile bursting out from the shadows. She loved when her mother taught her songs, some had been Russian and some English. Even though she was a beginner at speaking, she always tried her hardest to wrap her tongue around the syllables to make the words come out right. Her mother grabbed her hands and pulled her upwards, saying cheerfully, "Are you ready?" After nodding vigorously, her mother keeps hold of Sydney's little hands and gently twirls the two of them about.

"Ring around the rosies, a pocket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down." And with that she pulled Sydney to the ground and into her lap, hugging her little girl gently. Her laughter rings out in the air, and the disappointment of her father is forgotten. "Ready to try?" Her mother asked. Sydney nods again, jumping up, still holding her mother's hands. She furrows her brown as she tries to sing the song perfectly. "Rwing around the rosies, a pawket full of posies, ashes, ashes, we all fall down!" She flops down at the end of it, and beams up at her mother. "Like that?" She asked. "Exactly like that," Her mom answered.

A thought occurred to Sydney as her mom pulled her back into her lap. "Mamma? Why do we all fall down?" She asked sweetly, gazing up at her mother with adoration. "Because we can't stay standing forever, can we?" Her mother answers after hesitating. She grabs Sydney, pinning her to the ground, and starts to tickle her. "We're going to make Daddy so jealous he didn't come," She'd told her daughter, smiling blissfully as she listens to the delighted squeals of protest.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Now, more than twenty-five years later, she sat at home, wrapped in a blanket, pondering that same question. Taking a sip of the Merlot in her glass, she stares into the hearth, lit so brightly by the fire. The dancing flames mesmerized her, soothing her mind and the pain that only death and loss can bring. Her house was eerily quiet, but that is to be expected with Francie dead and Will long gone from her life. This didn't even feel like home, all her possessions have been replaced with new ones, all her memories have been burned to ruins like her home.

Funny, isn't it? The way she can elude fate's grasp and think she's gotten away with it, only to find its hand wide open, waiting on the other side of the door to snatch her into the darkness and squeeze the life out of her. So what does she do if she's escaped it's hold once more? What then? When all she has to live on, are the mere memories of what she used to have? And even then, none of them are solid. There's nothing left to hold onto and make sure she hasn't been sucked into another world, another time. There's nothing to give a reminder that there was a time she was actually happy.

She sighs, hanging her head, wondering just how much more of this she can take. The heartache and pain. . . sometimes it just seems like too much, she can't handle it all. All she wants is to go back in time and freeze every perfect moment, take a picture of it, or even better, stay in that moment. She wishes she could have those two years back from her life. But she knows you can't change the past, no matter how hard you try. What's done is done, and there's no altering the outcome. Still, she can wish, can't she?

And there are so many things she wishes for . . . She wants her best friend back. She wants her best friend back, running the restaurant she'd worked so hard to get off the ground, She doesn't want to live knowing that Francie's death was her fault. She wants Will back. She wants him to be working as a reporter again, doing what he loved so much, doing what made him happy, no matter how much he could deny it. She doesn't want to live knowing his misery of living in hiding from people was her own doing. She wants to give back all the lives she's taken, Andrian Lazarey and who knows how many other people. The mere thought of what she was capable of. . . it sends shudders down her spine. She wants her mother back. Not the mother who was an enemy of the United States, she wants the mother who would sing her to sleep at night, comfort her fears, hold her when she was sad, and love her when she was lonely and all the times between. She wants the love of her life back. The one who was her everything.

Most of all, she wants her life back. Everything is so different, so new, so unconcerned with her. She wants her old life, she'd take it in a heart beat compared to this. Marshall and Carrie were having a child, her mom hasn't been heard from in a long time, so many new agents were around, Sloane had been allowed to live, even after all he'd done, Dixon had taken Kendall's place, Lauren had taken hers. . . Life was just something she didn't want to be troubled with anymore.

She can't believe in a hope for a better future anymore, not after everything that's happened. Not since her life could be said to be more wild then a roller coaster. "The ups will outweigh the downs in the end," she'd once heard. In the end, it's only the downs that ring clear in her mind. In the end, it's only the downs that will happen. And in the end, the ups cannot keep her from going down.

Setting down the Merlot, she gazes around the room, sadness clouding her eyes. Lightning cracked outside her window, but she didn't jump in surprise. A torrent of rain began to fall, overpowering the small shower that had started earlier. Closing her eyes, the rhythmic pounding of the rain beats in time to the pounding in her head. Tears threaten to fall as emotions flash in her chest. I can't do this anymore, she thinks. I don't want to do this anymore. Grabbing her cell phone, she calls her father. Disappointment wells in her as his voice mail clicks on. "Daddy. . . Daddy I'm so sorry, I love you," she manages to rasp out, her voice thick with emotion. If it weren't for him, if it weren't for his strength, she wouldn't have held on so long.

Clicking the end button, she grabs her car keys and surveys her home. Thinking better of it, she drops the keys and heads out the door. Looking to the right, she can see a faint yellow glow coming from Weiss' house, the rain and the dark of the night blotting most of it out. A sense of obligation overcomes her and she walks to his door, the downpour already drenching her. Knocking on the door, she waits for him to answer, not knowing what it is she'll say. When he comes to the door, he looks a little surprised. 'Sydney, come in," He'd told her quickly. When she shook her head slowly and smiled sadly at him, a bad feeling came over him. "Is something wrong?" He asked, frowning.

"You could say that," she said as she drew in a deep breath. "Look, I just. . . I just wanted you to know that you've been a good friend." There's another hesitation in her. "I don't know if I can thank you enough for what you've done, I don't think I have the time either."

"What are you talking about, Syd?" He asked confusedly. "Come inside before you catch a cold." She puts her hand out to stop him and gazes steadily into his eyes.

"Tell him goodbye for me, will you?" She asked. Their eyes locked, and for a few moments time stood still. Then she turned and started to walk away, crossing her arms, her head down.

It'd taken him a few moments before he could comprehend what she meant, and as she walked slowly towards the beach, he started shouting her name, her figure completely lost in the cloak of the night. Thunder clapped above him as he debated what to do. Go after her or call someone? Precious seconds wasted away as he ran a few steps in her direction, then back to his house to find a phone. The whole time the rain continues to splatter noisily as if nothing was happening at all. "Shit," He muttered. He knew he couldn't catch her on foot, so he ran into the house, stumbling and knocking over furniture. Grabbing the phone, he punched in the numbers, fumbling over himself. "Come on, come on, pick up," He mumbled, waiting impatiently as the phone rang once. . . twice. . . three times. . . four. . . The fifth ring was cut by a cheerful, "Hello?"

"Lauren, it's Eric, I need to talk to Vaughn, now," He told her, rocking back and forth on his heels, his pulse racing.

"I'm sorry, he can't come to the phone right now, he's busy," She said with a smile in her voice. "Can you call back later?"

"No dammit! Get Vaughn on the phone!" He roared, regretting it a little.

There was sound of shuffling and Vaughn answered. "Hey, Eric man, what's wrong? Did you get a fork stuck in the toaster again? I don't think you need to yell at Lauren for that," He said with a chuckle.

"Vaughn, Sydney's in trouble, I need you to go find her," Weiss told him hurriedly, ignoring Vaughn's jab.

"What? What's wrong? What do you mean in trouble? Where is she?" Vaughn asked, his heart beginning to beat faster.

"I don't know, she just came over and started saying things, she said to tell you goodbye. I don't know where she is, she was walking south from her house, I couldn't see, there's too much damn rain falling. You need to go find her, only you can find her," He rushed, wishing Vaughn would just start moving.

"What do you mean?! Why are you calling me? Have you called the police? Dammit Weiss, I can't find her if I don't know where she went!" Vaughn said, panicking.

Infuriated Weiss shot back, "No, see, I figured that if anyone would know where to find her, it'd be you. But suit yourself, if you don't want to find her, I will. At least someone will still care about her." He cut off Vaughn's next words with the dial tone and rushed out the door, the wind howling around his feet.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Jumping up from his spot on the table, Vaughn rushed to find his shoes. "Honey, where are you going? Surely Eric can't be that much trouble with the microwave, now can he?" Putting her arms around his shoulders, she tries to pull him to her. "Come on, this is the first night off we've both had in ages, why don't you just stay home and relax?"

But Vaughn pushed her arms away, stuffing his feet in his newly found shoes. "I can't, Sydney's in trouble," he told her bluntly, fear rising in his stomach. Annoyed by Lauren's sigh of exasperation, he snaps at her. "Clearly, you don't understand how hard it's been on her, nor how much I've cared for her. She's as important to me as you are, I can't sit around, knowing her life's in danger. Whether you want me to or not, I'm going to find her, so just deal with it." Slamming the door behind him, he jumps into the car and starts racking his mind for places she would go. The observatory? No. The train station? No... The pier? Of course! Immediately he swerves onto another road and heads for the pier, but no matter how much time he'd spent going through words in his head, no matter how much time he'd had to brace himself for the sight he was sure he'd see, nothing prepared him for the real thing.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As she walked, enjoying the feel of the rain cutting into her skin, she wondered what it'd be like if she hadn't lost those two years. She wondered what life would be like if she and Vaughn had gone to Santa Barbara. She never would have guessed when she started with SD-6 just how screwed up her life would become. What if I hadn't joined? It was a question that always haunted her. She wouldn't have met Vaughn. She wouldn't have met her mother. She wouldn't know who her father really was. She wouldn't know the kind of darkness the world really holds. She doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

Mentally, she runs through speeches in her head, each one is different with the words, each one has a different voice dictating them, but they all have the same message. Her dad would say she's giving up too easily. Weiss would say she was too strong to give up. Dixon would say he'd be disappointed in her if she did give up. In the end, all the voices with their speeches had one point: That she shouldn't give up. Vaughn was the one who's voice she didn't hear though. Truth be told, she really didn't know what he'd say. Would he be disappointed like Dixon? Relieved? Neutral?

It doesn't matter though, all that matters it that soon, this will all be over. The wind blew harshly, almost threatening to pick her up and carry her off, but as her feet hit the wooden planks of the pier, something inside her calmed. There was no twisting in the stomach, no panic rising in her gut. Just a sense of comfort. Her clothes stuck to her skin like glue, the coldness of the world seeping in through them. Lightning continued to break through the sky, showing flashes of the place surrounding her. A glimpse of the railing; a flicker of a bench; the glint of a light pole.

"We can't stay standing forever," the words echoed through her head. It was true, she thought sadly, listening to the thumping of her feet, steadily making her way. Eventually we have to fall, don't we? Eventually, everything has to end. Some endings just come sooner the others, she decided. Sometimes it just gets so tiring, and so discouraging to go day after day. Does it making a difference if you try to escape once in a while? Does it matter, really, if you do escape it? Surely it doesn't matter that much.

Suddenly her feet stop, and she stands in front of the railing, gazing out at the ocean, watching the waves crash angrily and feeling the rain nip her scalp. Putting her hands on the railing, she pulls herself upwards, one foot on the bottom rail, the other pushing upwards. The storm is becoming unbearable, much like the pain in her chest. The wind howls, bringing the sounds of someone's whispers to her mind, bringing to her momentary panic.

It turns out to only be the faint screeches of seagulls that circle above the angry ocean. A shuddering breath escapes her as the cold continues to bleed into her bones, the lump in her throat nearly choking her. Her shivering slows, as she realizes it's time to stop fighting the cold. It's over now. There's nothing left to battle against. Both feet on the bottom rail and words flash through her mind.

"I was so in love with you, it nearly killed me." His voice pierced the cloud that gathered in her wits. Another shudder. But not from the cold. Was. The past tense of the word cut through her like a blade through a cake. Deep breaths, she reminds herself. Her right foot reaches up to rest on top of the second rail, her left foot following. More words flare, scenes blaze through her, creating a movie of jumbled pictures and words. One stands out.

"Another day." Everything would always happen another day. Never now. It's been too long putting off what needs to be taken care of. The other day had come. It was now. Another rail up. Another flurry of scenes, another flood of memories.

"You might feel like you're alone in this, like you have no ally. I am your ally. Never question that." Oh the sweet bitterness of it all; If only he'd known what the future would bring, how his words that were meant to be a held promise would turn into a broken one. No one to turn to, no one to save her. No one to stand beside her. That wasn't his job anymore. He was to be there for Lauren, to save Lauren, to stand beside Lauren. Lauren. She can't really hate Lauren; It's not her fault she married Vaughn. It was just the simple fact of her being his wife that made her so undeniably hateful.

The continued numbing brought her from her thoughts. No more looking back. She tottered back and forth as the wind raged against her, the rain pelting her tear soaked face. Lightening crashed overhead, the thunder rumbled. Time seemed to slow. One more rail. One last step and it's over the final obstacle. Gripping the top rail, she reaches her leg over, then the other. Her hands are so cold, so frozen. Still holding onto the railing, she turns around so she is facing the enraged sea, leaning out over it. The waves hurtled into the wooden structure, each hit shaking the her down to the core.

Pinching her eyes shut, she feels something bubbling up in her stomach. Not fear, and yet, not confidence either. Nor is it the apprehension she gets before a fight. As the rain keeps pouring down, she takes a deep breath. One more second and she allows her fingers to continue slipping. First the pinky and the ring finger. Then slowly, her middle finger, and next her second, until all she's hanging on with are her thumbs, hooked around the pole. She feels ready to burst from all that's contained inside her. Nothing penetrates her senses as her thumbs being to fall, millimeter by millimeter. The only sound is of the steady beating of her heart and the rain. The only smell is that of the ocean. The only feeling is emptiness. A few more moments and she'll be gone forever.

She doesn't feel the hands grabbing her arms until she's being pulled over the top rail. Struggling fiercely, she tries to loose herself from his grasp. She doesn't even have to turn around to know it's him. The warmth that has spread through her from his touch is enough. Sobbing openly, she's able to elbow him in the chest, knocking the wind out of him. Falling from his arms to the ground, she throws her head down in despair. So close. She'd been so close. . . Clouds as dark as a raven's wings cover the sky as they continue to send rain. The thunder growls as mightily as ever. Lightning sends it's sparks in every direction.

She's still gasping for air from her short brawl with him. Still on the ground, but seeking the nearby bench for security, crawling backwards to lean against it and the rails. She doesn't want him here. It'd be so much easier without him here. It would have been over without him here. She's ready to throw up, and the harsh coughing is doing nothing to quell the feeling. He collapses next to her, hugging her to him. Don't, she wants to tell him. Don't save me this time. Don't touch me. Don't break me more. She wants so badly to crawl from his grasp, but she feels so safe, so warm.

"Syd, what are you doing?" He whispers softly into her ear. She shivers slightly, forgetting the rain that was assaulting her tired body. He hugged her tightly again, not letting her out of his arms. "What are you thinking?" He's more frightened then she is, rocking her back and forth, almost trying to reassure himself that she's still here. "Sydney." He repeated her name over and over again, trying to rouse some sort of answer from her. He doesn't expect the blows he'll receive.

"What business is it of yours what I do, Vaughn?" She asked icily, trying to free herself from his grasp. He doesn't let her go, but stares at her in wonder, surprised at her tone. "Who are you to ask what's going on in my mind anymore?" Her eyes blaze in anger as she seethes from his interference. "Who are you to come and rescue me anymore?"

He falls back, letting her go, like he's been punched in the gut. That does nothing to describe the flash of pain that radiates through him. "Sydney," he breathes, at a loss for words. "Don't, Vaughn," she barks at him. "Don't try and make it all okay. Don't try to be my hero anymore." His heart catches. He used to be her hero. She stands up, still shooting daggers at him with her eyes. He scrambles up after her, staring in disbelief.

"Sydney, I was just trying to help," He told her, desperately wanting to take her back in his arms, to shield her from every evil that may come. He's drenched from the storm, heart hammering wildly.

"You want to help me?" She spits. "Stay the hell away from me, Vaughn." All the years of hurting and heartache are boiling up to the surface.

"Syd, you don't mean that," He says, wounded. "You can't mean that after so long you're ready to close the door on me."

"I do mean it!" She screams. "You did after all, didn't you?! You gave up on me! That's something I would never have done to you. Never. Do you think it's easy for me to see you with her? Do you think I enjoy being in the same room as you anymore? After all this time, you're still only concerned about your feelings. You didn't come here to save me, you came here, to save yourself. You came here because if I'd actually died, you would feel guilty. No, do NOT TALK TO ME WHILE I'M TALKING," she roars at him when he opens his mouth to speak.

"Did you think that I'd just fall into your arms and thank you for saving me? Were you under some sort of illusion that by stopping me, everything would be all right? Let's get something straight, I will never forgive you for betraying me like this. Do you have any idea, how much it hurts to see you two together? Can you understand," She rasps, "how much agony it is to keep going anymore? This isn't just you, as I'm sure you'd like to think. This is about everything. Everything is so hard, and I'm so tired. I'm so tired of it all.

"Everything is so different. Sloane is still alive," she mutters, shaking her head. "I can't believe . . . after all he's done.. people are allowing him to live. It's just.. and then Francie.. is dead. Will is in witness protection... Dixon is Assistant Director.. I think the only thing that's keeping me sane is my Dad. My mom. . . I still don't know what happened to her." Vaughn still stand there, unsure whether she means for him to hear this, unsure if he should hug her. He moves closer. "Don't," She whispers harshly, and he barely hears her over the pounding rain. "Don't come near me. Don't touch me, don't talk to me. Just. . . don't." Come on Syd, she tells herself. Calm, cool, collected. Compartmentalize. Closing her eyes briefly, she composes herself. Looking back at Vaughn, she says softly, "You said goodbye to me once. It's time to learn to say it again."

He's suddenly hysterical. "No, I won't let you go," He growls, reaching out to grab her. "I won't loose you again."

She easily slaps his hand away. "The thing is Vaughn. . . you didn't have me this time." She turns, walking away. He stays standing, rooted to the spot, letting her fall out of his life for a second, and final time.