I exhaled the smoke, feeling the numbing sensation in my brain and fingertips. I sat outside on my small porch, like I normally do when my dad goes to sleep, just soaking in the sight of the neighborhood. It mostly consists of open space and fog, but this is something I've grown used to.
I let the music play on my phone through my head phones for hours not wanting to stay outside, but not wanting to go inside either.
Then I get a text that interrupts the music, it was from my best friend Vee: You want to go out tonight?
'Not really, I've been going through too much lately'
'Which is why you should come out, spend time on the other side of the bar…'
'But tonight is my night off… and plus I only have money for gas and a few extra bucks for food'
'I'll pay, and if you actually put effort in to getting dressed, a couple of guys might even do that for you'
'You know that won't happen, I'm not exactly what you would call a 'Catch''
'Babe, yes the hell you are! And maybe Bo will let us get free drinks tonight'
'Ugh, you're so persistent … I'll stop by your house in an hour'
'Yay! Love you Nick.'
I put my phone in my pocket and took the last few pulls out of my cigarette before I flicked it out into the street and walked in the house.
My dad was too drunk tonight to really notice me leave out the house so I thought I might as well take advantage of this night. I walked upstairs and knocked on my little sister's bed room door to let her know not to wait up for me.
"Come in." She sounded distracted.
I cracked the door and peeked in to find her with her headset on, playing games on her laptop in bed.
"I'm going out with Vee to the bar tonight. Did you want me to bring home some McDonald's when I get back?"
"Hold on guys." I guessed that was directed towards her opponents. "Just some nuggets, and maybe a chocolate shake if that's not asking too much." She looked over the laptop screen to see my face.
"Alright, I'll be home in a couple of hours."
She paused her game and sat Indian-style while reading my face. "What's wrong? You smell like you've been smoking again."
She was just like my mother in a way. Since my mother passed I've been a stone wall to everyone even my dad, but she was the only one who could read me.
"I'm fine Nat, I'll be okay." I said looking at the wall behind her not wanting to show her the real pain I've been hiding.
"Nick, you know as well as I do that I can see right through your act. Tell me what's going on."
"Well, let me find an outfit for tonight and I'll tell you while I'm doing that."
She logged off her game and got up to walk down the hall towards my room. She threw herself on my bed and analyzed my movements as I looked through my drawers.
"So, you gonna tell me or what?"
I hesitated before saying anything, and then sighed. "I had to clean up someone's blood last night, I think every last drop spilled on the floor and I'm sure the man isn't alive. I'm just so tired of dealing with these people." She blinked. "And on top of that I can't stand it in this house with dad anymore he treats me like shit and I'm the one holding this house up while I'm neck deep in quick sand. I'm just too stressed out, dude."
She didn't look surprised and I didn't expect her too. We stress over things like this all the time since my uncle gambled my dad's money away and he went on edge drinking his life away. I've had to do anything and everything to keep this family up on its toes, even if it means working night shifts as a bartender at Bo's.
"You need to get out of there, go get a different job."
I nodded as I pulled out my dark denim skinny jeans, a turquoise blouse, and my tan glitter pumps from the closet.
"I will once I find one, but no one else is hiring. Bo even went to the extent to give me a little cash so I can get my gun license."
She shook her head and I looked at her agreeing to her mental disgust at our situation. I knew she was right to feel that way but I had to ends meet and my father wasn't doing a stand up job at it.
I got in the shower and did my quick routine of shaving, scrubbing and drying. My hair was in its weird poofy stage but I put a pin on the side and it looked presentable. Me, being parts African American, Native American, and Hispanic didn't give me the luxuries of my hair drying into a nice wavy fashion like all the other girls in this town.
I lotioned up, brushed my teeth and deodorized myself then threw on my clothes before grabbing my keys, money and ID and heading towards the car.
