Graphic here: tmblr . co/ZVRwvr1FnBTzf
A/N: I'm slowly uploading all the fic I have up on tumblr. This is part 1/4. I should have the other chapters up tomorrow. Feedback makes me dance a happy dance. :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
It only hits her late that first night when she's lying alone in the (too large) bed at the inn they'd found. (He'd taken the floor) (I'm always a gentleman) She's stuck here. She's stuck here and she'll never see Henry again, never hear him laugh or cry or grow up to be the kind of man she'd be proud of. She'd never hug her parents again, never get to call them Mom and Dad (how she wishes she could have given them that little gift before she had left), never see her mother smile, never feel her father's hand stroking her hair when he held her (warm and safe and home) and she can't breathe. Her eyes burn, her stomach feels like there is a weight in it that threatens to drown her and the room is so cold. She sits up as quietly as she can but she can't control the large shaky breath she takes or the choked sob that slips past.
"Swan?", his voice is low and thick with sleep.
A beat.
"Emma, love, are you alright?"
She hears him standing up, feels the bed dip beside her and then suddenly his arms surround her (oh darling) and she clings to him, her solid anchor in this threatening ocean. He holds her through the tears, and the shudders that wrack her body afterwards, never letting go, never loosening his grip, letting her know that he was here and he was real.
Later, when she's drifting off to an exhausted sleep with his warmth curled around her (stay, please), she realises that she isn't alone in this.
She grips the arm around her tighter.
They find a cabin in the forest. It's empty and broken down but it's out of the way and of all the people in the world, the both of them understand the value of fixing something broken. That's the place they choose to build their house (it isn't home, not yet). They never have to talk about it, they fall together so easily that sometimes it surprises her that it hadn't always been this way. She kisses him that first morning (soft and tender and trembling with emotion) and never stops. He had been holding her, mumbling apologies into her hair, telling her (stuttering over his words) that they may not ever find a way back because the risk of accidentally endangering Henry's existence was too great. (Oh god, she loves him)
She'd never been built for permanence. Emma Swan, expert in the art of running away and yet here she was, subject to the whims of fate, forcibly rooted to one place (and time).
They throw themselves into the work, trying to cement their memories of the people they would never see again into every nook and cranny of this house they fix.
They make do with the money that Rumplestilskin had given them, buying weapons and tools and clothes. (I'm not completely heartless dearies! This should tide you over for a little bit and the rest is up to you and your ability to survive. But, show me your faces ever again, and I may not be as… benevolent) They steal some, but never anything too valuable or noticeable. She learns to hunt (Snow White's daughter as it turns out, is a natural with the bow and arrow) and he goes to trade at the docks (being ever so careful to avoid bumping into himself, because drunk as he may have been, he would never have been able to explain that way).
Little by little they find their way.
(Always together)
They have good days, when they're incandescently happy with one another and this little world they've built out of the ruins of the lives that they had dreamed of. He wakes her up with soft kisses, mapping constellations on her back. She wakes in the circle of his arms, feeling safe and loved. They stay in bed all day (they never really have anywhere to go) and tell each other happy stories. Stories of being loved (albeit briefly), stories of laughter and light, stories about the times that were good. She laughs at the time he fell overboard because he was a stubborn ass and hadn't held on to anything like Liam said. He kisses her forehead when she talks fondly of Henry and how he'd always get sauce on his chin when they ate pizza and how he would tease about her complete inability to play a video game. (Gradually, it becomes easier talking about the people they love. She doesn't get choked up any more or feel the knives in her throat when she speaks)
They offer each other pieces of themselves to keep safe.
(So that the other may remember if they were ever to forget)
One night she wakes up gasping and sobbing, clawing for Killian beside her. He's up in an instant, holding her close and kissing her hair, mumbling nonsense words of comfort. She melts into him, slowly calming down and breathing easier (the grip she has on his arm tightens all the same).
"I've forgotten what he sounds like.", it's a broken whisper and his heart feels like it's going to shatter. He doesn't know what to say. He understands all too well what it feels like. It feels like betrayal. He's felt it many times over (Liam, Milah, Bae and Emma) and knows that this terrible brokenness of the heart doesn't heal, you just learn to live around it. So, he holds her close and wipes her tears, reminds her that all you can do in times like these is to live in the here and now.
Sometimes when they go out into the world, (it's rare but it's necessary) his grip on her hand borders on painful. He's extra careful that no one sees them, that they don't cause anything different to happen. They avoid her parents (It hurts her heart that she can be so close to them and yet infinitely far) and Regina like they were poison. When they get back, he crushes her to himself and kisses her and kisses her, glad that she hadn't disappeared, that they hadn't accidentally changed the past so that she had never been born. She lets him, because he needs this.
She is his whole world (he is hers) and he doesn't know what he would do if anything ever happened to her.
She feels lost and displaced, floating around this world and this time that isn't hers. He grounds her with his strength, his loyalty and his love. She feels dim in this land of magic and fairy tales come to life, somehow sucking the light into herself instead of reflecting it. But, he makes her feel beautiful when he traces the curves and dips and swells on her body with his careful hand. He makes her feel revered and cherished, like he is grateful for being able to touch her. In return, she loves him completely and with abandon, kissing him when she wants, touching him as often as possible, never hiding her affection.
Emma Swan has never been this brave.
They talk about the curse. It's coming and they cannot bear to lose one another again. (They are all they have left) Besides, they aren't sure if it would affect them the same way since they were never supposed to be here in the first place. She cannot bear to live in a world where it would be possible to reach Henry and yet have to stay away from him, so they decide to run. They buy a boat (making damn sure it wasn't meant for anyone else) and stock it with everything they can afford. They bid goodbye to their home (at some point over the last few years, it had become home) and set out. They sail fast and far, fully prepared to build again from the ground up.
Life isn't ideal but it's theirs and as it turns out, home can be a person and they have found it one another.
