A/N: Okay, so this is my first Twilight fic! Yeah, yeah whatever. Anyway, this just popped into my head as I was reading New Moon. Basically, after a certain point (that will be made clear at a later point in time) in New Moon it is AU. For those of you who are woefully unaware, AU is Alternate Universe. Anyway, time for the unnecessary disclaimer! I'm not Stephenie Meyer. End of story. Why do we need to put disclaimers in? Better yet, why do we feel like we have to put disclaimers in? Since this is a fanfiction site I find it hard to believe the author will be submitting any stories. And if the actual author did we hopeless fans would be able to find it!
Then again, Stephenie did try to submit something into a contest from Rosalie's point of view... Anywho, even if the author did submit something they wouldn't put a disclaimer in. Okay, I'm done ranting. Please enjoy! The Very Blackest Kind of Blasphemy
Chapter One: Discovery
It had been eighty years since I had left. Eighty long and painful years of avoiding this small and rainy town. Eighty years of pain and misery. I did not know how I had been able to stay away for so long. I couldn't count the number of times that I found myself mere miles from Forks. I had made myself turn around every time for many reasons. Reasons that later made me want to rip my hair out. Reasons that drove me insane, yet subdued me anyway.
I wanted her to live.
I wanted her to be happy and complete and human.
I knew if I saw her I would be unable to leave.
I did not want to see her happy without me.
Despite what Bella thought of me, for I know she thought I was very selfless, I am an incredibly selfish creature. I did not think I would be able to bear seeing her with another. Seeing her with someone who made her happier than I did. I wanted nothing more than to see her happy but that did by any means mean that I wanted to actually see her move on from me. I would have felt relief, of course, that she had moved on. Yet at the same time some small part of me wished that she never moved on, that she held onto me, that she never stopped loving me. I always felt guilty when this part of me surfaced.
Guilt always surrounded me. I had lied to her in the worst possible way. I had broken her, I had hurt her.
And I had done it on purpose.
I loved her with all my heart and broken hers so she could be safe. Day after day I wondered if I made the right choice. Should I really have left her? Would it have been better if I stayed? I could do nothing but blame and second-guess myself.
"It will be as if I never existed."
That's what I told her. I don't think I realized how true that would become. As soon as I left her, as soon as she was gone from my life, I ceased to truly exist. I was there, of course, but I did nothing. I more or less wasted away in a corner for eighty years. I could not live without Bella. She had come into my life of darkness and filled it with light. I banished the light, thereby banishing myself back into the darkness. Now I was blind. I did not know what to do. I was not able to live without her.
Now I was in Forks again. I would not admit it out loud, but I was here to see Bella. I knew she would be dead. I knew that it was a rational conclusion. It had been eighty years. If she were alive she would be a ninety-eight. No, I was here to say goodbye. I was here for closure. Bella deserved at least that much. She was in heaven now, of that I was sure. I knew I would never see her again. Even as I would fly to Italy to finish my meaningless existence I would know that I would never see her again. As surely as she was in heaven, I would be in hell. That is, if I was even able to be in hell. Did you need a soul to be in hell? I did not know. I would find out soon enough, however.
I felt as if I was walking through a thick fog. I was dazed and I tried to keep from my mind what I knew was true. As soon as I discovered the manner of Bella's death I would fly to Italy. I tried not to think of this for I knew that as soon as I did Alice would see it.
That is, if she hadn't seen it already.
Currently, I was making my way through the hospital to the records room. I asked the woman there if she had records of Isabella Marie Swan, saying that I was working on a school project. I did not know if Bella would have stayed in Forks. Perhaps she fled to Florida with her mother as soon as I left. I just had to check her first. If she had not stayed here, I did not know where I would look next. She could have gone anywhere.
As I looked down at the young receptionist I remembered vaguely something I had asked Bella long ago.
"Do I dazzle you?"
The woman's thoughts reminded me of this for some strange and unknown reason. I had to control myself so that my face would not show my pain at the memory. She was thinking of how she shouldn't tell me anything, that I did not have the proper clearance to get such information. I gave her a blinding smile that I knew would not reach my eyes. It fooled her anyway.
"This is odd." she murmured.
And suddenly I felt as if I had been hit in the chest with a force great enough to break me in half.
No, I thought desperately as I saw what she was looking at on the screen in her mind. No, no, no, no! I fled the room, not knowing if I was going at human or vampire speed, not knowing if it was minutes, hours, days or weeks until I reached my destination.
Either way, I was here.
I was in the meadow.
Our meadow.
I broke down, unable to control myself any longer. If I was capable of crying, of shedding a tear, I knew that I would be unable to control the flood now. I was sobbing audibly and I was on my knees, not even realizing I had fallen. I gripped the earth in my fingers, crushing it in my fist.
Why hadn't Alice seen it? Surely she would have seen something. She couldn't have seen anything, I would have found out the last time I saw her! She wouldn't have been able to see this and not think about it. She loved Bella like a sister. No, Alice had seen nothing. But how? How could her vision have been so blinded? To think, I had been staying here, living this half-life for eighty years and for no reason.
Bella was gone. She died before I had been gone for a year.
She died mere months after I left.
How could I not know? How could I not realize? For what reason could there possibly be to even exist these past eighty years if she hadn't even been here?
Despair crashed over me, submerging me and I could not surface. I wondered vaguely if this is what I had put Bella through when I left. I hated myself even more. Could she possibly have felt this horrible? Could she have possibly felt this much pain? Had she felt the same hollowness in her chest, ripping with pain and threatening to destroy her?
Then an angel's voice reached out to me and I was sure that I was no longer on Earth. How could I be, when it was the same sweet and familiar voice that had haunted my every thought for eighty years? How could I still be on Earth and be hearing her voice?
Yet, I should not be hearing the angel's voice even if I was dead. How could I be in the presence of an angel when I had no soul?
"Edward?"
I looked up, the numbness of shock subduing the pain momentarily. I was still in the meadow yet Bella stood before me, mere yards away, very, very much alive.
"Bella..." I whispered painfully, rising to my feet and staring at her in shock.
She was staring at me with a look of mingled shock and fear and relief. Her skin was paler than I remembered and her hair longer. But she was the same. She was not any older. Her hair was still dark and her skin was still smooth. She was exactly the same.
At least, that's what I thought until I looked into her eyes. If vampires could have heart attacks, I knew that I would be having one at this very moment.
Her emotional gaze stared at me, her eyes golden.
Gold. Golden eyes.
Somehow, someway, Bella had become a vampire.
A/N: Okay, there's Chapter One! Hope you enjoyed it! If not, oh well! This story is more for me than anyone else. I just figured I would put it up here. That doesn't by any means mean that I don't want reviews, though. Slam me with reviews, please! They make my day!
xoxoxo KT
