AN: I don't know what this is...wrote it last night probably just a one shot.
I do not own or profit from The Walking Dead
Remembering to Breath While Starting Anew
I want to be happy now, my life is passing me by, I don't want to wait anymore.
Carol looked nervously around the small apartment as the landlord prattled on, she smiled as her daughter Sophia shyly took in the surroundings and then felt a sudden intense stab of guilt.
Sophia shouldn't have to live in a one bedroom apartment she thought in shame of the house that was no longer theirs, the large back yard, with the swing set, Sophia's beautiful room. All taken by the bank to pay off debts left by Ed when he died.
She wasn't sure that Sophia had ever been happy at that house. Carol sure as heck hadn't, she was glad it was gone, all it brought with it was bad memories, lost chances. She was thirty five years old and she was ashamed of herself. Why did she stay? Why didn't she see the signs? Why did everything fall apart?
Ed in the beginning had been a different person, kind, thoughtful, loving. She saw the change in him progress over time. She was in denial at first, it's just stress, she told herself. But gradually he became someone she didn't recognize his face distorted and snarling as he spewed insults at her and bit by bit eroded her self esteem, her self confidence. There was no escaping it he was there at every turn and she felt herself fade away, she felt hollow, a shell of who she used to be, distancing herself and sinking more and more into a depression. It felt hopeless, she was trapped forever in this cycle and there was no way out.
The night she left she knew she had no choice, he was uncontrolled, she looked in his eyes and didn't see him anymore, he was gone, he wasn't the man she fell in love with anymore. He left in a rage, and she called her parents told them she was coming home.
He called non stop, at first angry then pleading, and despite her family's disbelief she worried about him, and Sophia, and the strain the situation was placing on her parents.
Her family in their own way tried to smother her, she wanted to breath...to take Sophia and leave if she had unlimited resources that is what she would do..go start fresh, start anew, breath again. She didn't want to hear her family's advice or analysis "Your problem is you've always been to nice..." Was one of their favourites. Gradually she felt like she was losing control of her own life, the smallest of decisions made her freeze, she had never been on her own before, she was scared she didn't know how.
Ed called begging her to at least come speak to him, her guilt ate at her, he deserved that much, maybe she could convince him to get help. She left Sophia with her parents and made her way to the house, stopping once at the side of the road to vomit.
The house felt wrong, the minute she walked in, something was wrong. She found him in the bathroom, in a puddle of blood, wrists slit.
She remembered screaming and falling to her knees. Her voice had carried out to a neighbour in his yard who had come running, who had made calls as she knelt there staring at his body. She had felt a surge of anger at Ed, for his selfishness then guilt that she hadn't done more, been a better wife, helped him somehow. Deep in her heart she felt like it was her fault.
Sophia had stared at her in an almost curious detachment when she told her. Her little eight year old mind processing the information. Carol couldn't bear the detached look in her eyes. How much damage had she done to her beloved child?
Anxiety ate away at Carol, the simplest of tasks became overwhelming, the smallest decisions monumental. But she carried on. When she was drowning and dead inside she kept going. She found a job, now she needed an apartment.
She sacrificed the space to stay in a good part of town. This place was tiny, one bedroom, one tiny bathroom.
She felt Sophia slip her hand into hers and squeeze"We can share the room momma" she said quietly.
She smiled at her sweetly, but knew that she wouldn't do that. Sophia deserved her own space, her privacy, a place for her thoughts...Carol knew she could sleep on the couch.
"So what do you think?" The landlord asked.
She opened her mouth, and felt herself choke on indecision. What if they didn't like it here? What if this wasn't the right place? She couldn't form words, and felt the panic take hold as her breathing picked up and stabbing pain in her stomach made her internally grimace in pain. The landlord looked at her in confusion, waiting on her answer.
She felt Sophia squeeze her hand yet again "I think we will be happy here momma"
She felt her lungs relax instantaneously and knelt down to take her in her arms. Tears threatening as she looked at her precious child's face.
"You think?" She said with a smile as Sophia nodded enthusiastically.
More confidant she turned to the landlord. "We'll take it"
