Razorblade Romance

By Zara

A/N: I don't own anything except the idea, and i'd love it if you'd review. I got this idea while doing a research project on self mutilation (ironic huh)

"Sirius." He whispered my name through the locked door. I was sitting on the bathroom floor, my back against the door. "Sirius just open the door."

I didn't listen to the distressing note in his voice. "Sirius, come on, let me come in so we can talk. We don't have to tell James or Peter ok. Sirius?"

I don't want to talk about it Moony.

I heard muffled footsteps outside my sanctuary, then a voice. "How's he doing?" it's Prongs.

I heard Remus take a shaky breath before replying. "He won't talk, he won't even say he doesn't want to talk. I don't know what to do." I could tell he was trying to keep it together, and I wish I could comfort him, tell him everything would be alright. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

James tried to unlock the door with Alohamora, but it didn't work, I made sure it wouldn't. I looked around my temporary sanctuary, there's blood on the floor, in pools by the showers and all around me, seeping out the door, and it's splattered on the mirror. There's a knife lying two feet from my side and bloody rags littered the floor.

I grabbed the knife beside me. Pure silver with the family crest etched in the side. "Sirius we need to talk." It was james.

"You have to stop doing this." I smashed my head into the door behind me, then I did it again, I didn't want to listen to him. "Just listen to me!"

I got up and started to run to the other side of the room with my knife. I slipped on my own pools of blood and crashed into the floor length mirror James got for me in third year. Somewhere in the back of my mind I heard them shout that they'll break the door down. But I wasn't listening anymore, my silver friend was at my wrist again. Slowly it sank its teeth into my flesh, reopening old scars. The slice was neat and clean, not like my old ones. When they used to be jagged and rushed. But my knife was my friend, he wouldn't hurt me.

I wasn't paying attention to anything but my arm, watching the blood run down into the crook of my elbow and dripping onto the floor. I never heard them blast the bathroom door open, nor did I hear them run over to me.

Remus is faster than James, he reached me first. He snatched my knife out of my hand and out of my reach. And then he screamed and dropped it again. I tried to grab it, but he kicked it out of the way.

But there was glass, I was sitting in it, shards of it surrounding me. It wouldn't be as clean but it would work. I think they knew what I was planning because Remus grabbed me and pulled me away from the broken mirror.

"Let me go!" I tried to scream it, but my voice was hoarse from not using it in a while. I tried to push him off me but he grabbed me into what would once have been a hug. To me it was a trap. Once upon a time when I had been taller than Remus it would have been easy to get away from him, but now I had no such luck, just this summer he had grown five inches taller than me.

"You idiot what are you doing to yourself?" his head was buried in my hair and I could hear the sobs in his voice.

"I'm gonna get McGonagall." I heard James say. I didn't care, they couldn't do anything to me that I would feel. I was numb, I'd been numb for near a year now. I could feel Remus shake as he sobbed.

"You idiot. What are you doing, do you want to die?" he pulled back and looked me in the eye. I hated seeing his amber eyes filled with tears, all red and puffy with tear tracks running down his cheeks. I expected to feel the heartache I used to feel when I had seen him like this before. It never came.

I didn't answer his question, because truthfully I didn't know the answer. "I suppose, can't be worse than this."

It looked like his heart had been torn in two by my words. "You promised you'd never leave me though." I barely caught his whisper. The broken look he has, and the despair that shows in his eyes seeps into my soul.

I struggled to get to my knife again. But he won't let go. "Get off me moony." I broke free and grabbed the nearest sharp object. I cut into my flesh but it wasn't soothing like it used to be. I ran and grabbed my knife. I cut into my arm, again and again, but every time the pain was worse. But I don't feel pain!

I looked down at the pattern of red lines on my arm. The blood flowed fast from my veins, and it might be possible I'd started to feel dizzy.

"Moony, make it stop." I cried. He slowly walked towards me. "Please moony, make it stop, the blood won't stop!" I felt tears slip out and run down my cheeks.

Slowly he knelt beside me and took the knife from my hands. I couldn't tell if he actually felt the silver burn him or not. He opened his arms and I fell into his embrace. He put one arm around my shoulders and the other one took my arm.

He put pressure on it with someone's dirty shirt and whispered. "Don't ever leave me Sirius."

"If you don't ever leave me." that's how McGonagall and Pomfrey found us.

SBRL

Pomfrey won't let me leave the hospital wing. The only good thing about this is she won't let Moony leave either. His hand got burned pretty badly, and it was my fault. One of the bad things is he'll be gone by tomorrow and I won't, they think I'm mental. James came to see us as soon as Pomfrey was done patching us up. He looked at me nervously and sat on Remus' bed instead. He didn't touch me like he used to when I was injured, no hug no hi-five for an awesome whack at a bludger, even though it ricocheted off someone's head and broke my arm.

I'm just a little sick, not broken! My mind screamed at him. But he left within the hour.

It was midnight and I couldn't sleep. Too much happened today, too much I still felt guilty about. I sighed rather loudly and turned over trying to find a comfy spot. "Go to sleep Padfoot

I jump, I thought Moony was asleep. "I can't." I can just make out his shadow getting out of his bed and coming to mine.

"Scoot over." He whispers nudging me over. I make room for him, and he crawls in next to me.

"Do you want to talk?" he asks gently. Yes I do! Where were you when everything was falling apart? All I need was someone to talk to! I was lost and insecure, and where were you?

"No." I whisper. I hold onto him tight, afraid he'll disappear. "Just don't leave me."

"I won't leave you Sirius." He reassures me again, and holds onto me as well.

"Why'd you do it?" this isn't the first time he's asked me.

"It felt good. I couldn't take the pain of reality and it made me numb." I surprise myself by answering this time.

"What's going on at home Sirius?" I don't ask how he knows it's got too due with my family, nor do I ask him how he knew it started this summer. Remus just knows these things.

"I'm not allowed to write to you guys, or talk about you and James. They burned my pictures and all our notes when I wasn't home. I'm confined to my room most of the time, they starve me and give me dirty water to drink. My brother hates me now. It's too much Moony I just can't take it."

"I know it must be hard Sirius." I don't snap at him with my usual retort of how could you your parents love you and nod instead. "Look why don't you come stay with me for the end of the summer?"

"I'd hate to do that Moony, I know you guys don't have a lot of money right now." It was true, and we both knew it. He didn't often get presents from home for Christmas or his birthday. James and I never got to go with him to Diagon Alley, because he didn't want us in the second hand shops with him. We bought him new stuff anyways.

"I want you there." He assured me. It felt good to talk about it. I felt lighter than I had in a while. I knew I was far from normal but at least I was on my way to recovery.