Okay, so I typed this up mostly for my cousin. He hasn't played Dragon Age, but wants to read this story, so I made him this super-useful PROLOGUE! I started typing and thought it would be more fun to read if I littered it with "Sentence Enhancers". My cousin and I share an odd sense of humor, you see. I'm sure he'll get a laugh out of this, but if you're averse to "Sentence Enhancers", I suggest you just not read this PROLOGUE!

If you do decide to read this, know that it is really nothing like my regular writing style. I wrote it this way because I thought it was funny. That's about it.

Ma Vhenan itself was taken much more seriously when I wrote it, so it's nowhere near as possibly offensive as this PROLOGUE!

Why do I keep writing PROLOGUE! Cause it's funny dammit! Now you gonna read this shit, or be on your merry way to the actual story?


DA2 Noob's guide to Ma Vhenan

SHIT YOU SHOULD KNOW:

Hawke is the main motherfuckin character. He's too cool to go by his first name. He's also from Ferldan. How cool is that shit?

7 years ago, Fereldan's very own apocalypse, otherwise know as the BLIGHT, fucked mad shit up and Hawke and his family had to gtfo. On the way, they meet Manface!...uhhh, I mean Aveline. She's got a motherfuckin shovel chin and is more jacked than her husband, who's a Templar. Templars hunt mages. Bethany, Hawke's little sister is a fuckin mage. When Wesley, Manface's wife, I mean husband, brings up the Templar-mage shit, Hawke gets pissed. Wesley gets hit by a Darkspawn and gets infected and dies quick as shit.

Darkspawn are fuckin zombie demon things from the Deep Roads! DWARVES LIVE THERE!

So they're walkin along with Manface and Hawke's younger brother Carver gets his ass stomped by an ogre. Hawke and company go apeshit and kill that mofo, but Carver dies. Aww sad.

THEN, Hawke, Manface, Mom, and Bethany make their way to Kirkwall. MOM USED TO LIVE THERE! They get into the city and shit and work for a year or something to pay off a fuckin debt cause Mom's brother, Uncle Scumbag formerly known as Gamlen, lost Gramma and Grampa's estate on a bet. Then Hawke wants to go on an expedition to the DEEP ROADS! Small angry bearded man says "NOOOO!" Small angry bearded man's brother Varric says "YOOOO!"

VARRIC IS THE MAN! He and Hawke are bffls 4eva. They go to Sundermount. ELVES LIVE THERE! They meet Merrill. She's cute! She's a blood mage. THAT'S BAD! But she's good so it's cool.

Then you find ANDERS. HE'S GAY! All he does is whine about how poorly mages are treated. I LEAVE HIM IN HIS CLINIC!
Then you find Isabela. TITS! She's a PIRATE WHORE!

Then you find Angstfag, I mean FENRIS! He's an elven former slave to some mage so obviously, it's reasonable for him to DESPISE ALL MAGES! He sucks almost as bad as ANDERS. I LEAVE HIM IN HIS ABANDONED MANSION!
Then they go on the expedition! But Hawke leaves Bethany behind to stay with Mom cause SHIT'S DANGEROUS in the DEEP ROADS! Small angry bearded man, Bartrand (the fuck kinda name is that?), goes all nuts when they find this idol thing. Motherfucker leaves Varric and Hawke for dead! They get out though.

But Bethany got taken by Templars! She goes to the Circle. MAGES LIVE THERE!

3 YEARS GO BY!

HAWKE'S RICH CAUSE DEEP ROADS AND STUFF! He has a MANSION! Bodahn is his chill as fuck butler. SANDAL! is his retarded son who enchants shit like a fuckin boss.

HAWKE HAS SEX WITH MERRILL!

BITCH! I mean Meredith, is the leader of the Templars in Kirkwall. I hate her. Therefore, Hawke hates her. She oppresses mages and shit. Orsino is chill as fuck. He's the head of the Circle or something.

Then you got the Qunari. Big gargoyle-lookin motherfuckers. They have an ARISHOK. He's this big scary Qunari that leads them. The townspeople don't like the Qunari. They've stayed in Kirkwall TOO LONG!

The Qunari are after a fuckin book. Isabela stole the book. You get the book back and tell her you're gonna give it to the Qunari to avoid war cause she's a SELFISH BITCH! She takes off. Hawke kills the ARISHOK in a duel.

HAWKE'S A MOTHERFUCKIN HERO!

3 YEARS GO BY! ...AGAIN!

Hawke's the fucking CHAMPION OF KIRKWALL! Meredith sends him to hunt down Apostate(free) mages.

AND THAT'S WHERE MY FUCKING STORY STARTS!

I hope this was helpful to you in your understanding of this story. Thank you.