Asura: This is just another one of those cracks fics that happen when a person doesn't have enough sleep and is running on only soda pop. :D So, recently I got my sister to start playing Fire Emblem. Just a few days ago, I happened to be playing Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn and she had taken to watching me play. Well, I got to the scene where Ike and everybody is supposed to cross the river (you know, the one with the cool movie part?) and I suddenly looked at Tyrann and said, "I bet you those cats are just shouting over the river 'Your mom!'".
Of course, she busted up laughing and we made a joke out of it. Now, we've made a story of it. :D
Warning: Crackheadedness, abuse of character design, and extreme OOCness. Oh, and some mention of certain liaisons between male characters... muhahahaha. OH, and spoilers for those people who haven't gotten to Part 3 of the game.
Disclaimer: Don't own Fire Emblem, never have, never will. I also do not own any of its characters... and I doubt the people who made this game would make their creations act in such a way. Hehe.
Chapter One: Oh my God... You Slept with Who?!
By: Asura Mori
It had all started so simply. The Laguz Alliance had just been trying to cross the Ribahn River and get to the Begnion capital, when the Central Army had shown up. Ike couldn't believe it. Tibarn... had failed? It wasn't until later that they had found out about Naesala's betrayal and they all just kind of sighed.
Once a traitor, always a traitor. It wasn't anything new, thus held no appeal. In fact, the most interesting news to date was the rumor going around that Ike and Ranulf were sleeping together.
But as far as anyone knew, this was just a rumor... right?
"You're sleeping with that fucking cat?! I thought I was the only one!" Soren screamed at Ike, completely out of character, his dark hair rising dangerously around him as he summoned his wind magic.
"Now look, Soren. You're taking this way out of proportion. I only slept with him ONCE. Besides, you know you're the only one for me." Smooth-talker Ike stated, his arm wrapping comfortably around his tactician's waist. Soren let out a low sigh, slowly calming down and succumbing to his commander's embrace. Besides... Ike wasn't the ONLY one cheating, he thought with a smile. But Ike didn't need to know that, now did he?
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Somewhere far away, in Part IV of the game, Stefan let out a little sneeze and looked around warily, his hand going to his blade. When he perceived no danger, he just shrugged and went back to sitting around in the desert, waiting for something interesting to show up. He just doesn't know that he's gonna be sitting there for a while. :D
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Anyway, Oscar chose this moment to bust in on the two love birds, his mouth going slack at the sight of the two of them. He glared at Ike accusingly, his normally squinty eyes growing even more so. "You told me that I was the only one for you, commander!" The knight growled, making Soren turn around to look at Ike, his red eyes hard.
Ike's screams were audible throughout the encampment... yet no one went to check up on him. Apparently, everyone else had known that the fickle commander was sleeping with everybody. Only the ones involved hadn't. How ironic.
Ranulf sighed as he listened to Ike's screams, a small smile on his face. So... Soren and Oscar had finally learned the truth. Wait until they knew about Shinon. Laughing silently, the Gallian walked back to his tent, grinning as he saw the above mentioned archer waiting there.
Ike wasn't the only one playing everybody. Reyson, Tibarn, Naesala, Ike, Soren, Oscar, Shinon, himself, even Zelgius, all of them were playing somebody. Heh.
Let's see... Ike had been sleeping with Soren, Oscar, Shinon, and Ranulf.
Soren was sleeping with Ike, Stefan, Naesala, and Zelgius.
Oscar was sleeping with Ike and Kieran (lol, imagine THAT).
Shinon was sleeping with Ranulf, Gatrie, and Ike.
Reyson was sleeping with Tibarn, Naesala, and Janaff.
Tibarn was sleeping with Reyson, Naesala, and Janaff (but they were all cool with that, because they could then have a four way).
Naesala was sleeping with Reyson, Tibarn, Janaff, and Soren.
Ranulf was sleeping with Ike, Soren, Shinon, and Zelgius.
And Zelgius...
Man, he was banging EVERYBODY.
It was just common knowledge. Ranulf was surprised that it had taken Soren, Ike's fucking tactician, this long to figure it all out. After all, every rumor has a bit of truth to it... This rumor just happened to be extremely accurate. Chuckling, Ranulf wrapped his arm around Shinon's shoulder, ignoring the pointed look the archer gave him, and led the redhead into the tent.
Oh well, at least everything would get interesting from here on out. Still chuckling, Ranulf pulled the blanket over him and Shinon. Nobody needed to know all of the dirty details anyway... well, at least about him and Shinon. Speaking of which...
The lantern in the tent was doused, the tent itself 'mysteriously' rocking back and forth for the next hour or so...
To be continued...
Asura: After much consideration, I've decided to make this longer than one chapter. I mean, I know it was short, but there's only so many people you can have Ike or anyone else sleeping with. I was tempted to throw Sothe in the mix... but I'll leave that alone... for now. :D
Anyway, read and review please. I want to know what you all think. Should I continue this fruitless endeavor... or should I just quit while I'm ahead? Hehe. The next chapter has more to do with the Ribahn River. This story was kind of a "eye of the hurricane" thing, where everything is supposedly calm. I don't really get it myself, sadly. Oh well. Read and review... Or Ike will become impotent forever!!! LE GASP!
