Summary: Bill decides to write a book about some helpful guide line to surviving the super natural world of Gravity Falls. Unfortunately most of his "Rules" are anything; but helpful!

Chapter Notes

Disclaimers: I do Not own Gravity Falls.

Notes: This is a story I posted on AO3 a long time ago and I decided to post it here too. To be honest I don't know why I wrote this...I guess I was bored. But whatever the reason this one shot sparked a story idea of one of my most darkest BillDip's of all time. A series my old AO3 fans may remember called Stories by Bill Cipher. Basically it's a BillDip told from Bill's point of view with a few POV's from other characters of the series.

And this One shot has no plot what so ever, but it gave birth to so much more.

Anyway as always I thank you for reading and ask that you please review.


Bill's Guide to: Surviving Gravity Falls

By: Bill Cipher

Rule # 1:Trust no one…. not even your family!

Rule # 2:Remember! Reality is an illusion!

Rule # 3:Remember! The universe is a hologram!

Rule # 4:Remember to buy gold, because it's the only thing that will hold real value when the end times are finally here!

Rule # 5:Do not introduce yourself by your real name in public. (In less you want to gain a second shadow!)

Rule # 6:Do not ignore fictional characters in public. It's just plain rude!

Rule # 7:Want protection? learn a little magic.

Rule # 8:Want to live in a small little hick town where nothing happens?…Then pick another town! Any town!

Rule # 9:Note facial expressions. It just might save your life.

Rule # 10:If a book, or a cave drawling says 'Don't read this out loud' THEN DON'T DO IT!

Rule # 11:Don't die alone. Take many people with you.

Rule # 12:Remember the floor is slippery when wet.

Rule # 13:But a Lake is slippery when dry.

Rule # 14:Only talk to strangers you know.

Rule # 15:Strangers you don't know are unpredictable... Kill them all.

Rule # 16:For legal purposes be sure to delete the note above.

Rule # 17:Tell people about the strangers that are trying to kill you.

Rule # 18:Then kill them for security purposes.

Rule # 19:Crying does not solve anything. Try violent mood swings. It always works for me!

Rule # 20:Feeling like you don't fit in? Then make a scene whenever humanly possible.

Rule # 21:Remember flammable and inflammable mean the same thing.

Rule # 22:Train an army of supernatural beings to do your evil biding. It'll make life much easier.

Rule # 23:Delete previous note… its evidence!

Rule # 24:Do not maim people. If you already have, kill them to avoid lawsuits.

Rule # 25:Remember! I am staring at you, and everyone else all the time!

Rule # 26:So no one will blame you for acting insane.

Rule # 27:Remember the people in this town are weird, but not as weird as me, so be thankful.

Rule # 28:Do not taunt the creatures in the forest. They have feelings... And teeth.

Rule # 29:Little people are aggressive. So stay away from the Gnomes.

Rule # 30:Going through other people's stuff is a bonding experience. Do this as much as possible.

Rule # 31:You'll sometimes notice shadows late at night. Don't worry. It's only me…Wink ;)

Rule # 32:Never pet a burning dog…or any other animal for that matter.

Rule # 33:Why? Because there on fire Duh!

Rule # 34:By the way do you know what would look good on you?

Rule # 35:My puppet strings!

Rule # 36:HA! I'm just kidding

Rule # 37:Or am I…-Wink ;)

Rule # 38:Anyway where was I… Oh yeah don't be afraid of our cockroaches. Play with them.

Rule # 39:Don't worry. It's only a harmless pimento bug.

Rule # 40:The size of Danny DeVito.

Rule # 41:Stalking is fun. Do it more.

Rule # 42:Make a large sign saying, "All Hail Bill Cipher" And you will survive the apocalypse.

Rule # 43:No matter what anyone says, there is a way to get to your fantasy world.

Rule # 44:Just shake my hand, and I'm sure we'll work something out.

Rule # 45:Be Assertive! For example; the leprechaun on the cereal box said I can't get his lucky charms...

Rule # 46:So I killed him, and then took them anyways!

Rule # 47:Do not go out with Tad Strange no matter how normal he may seem.

Rule # 48:Why? Because he is a sadistic, soul sucking demon.

Rule # 49:Disregard last note. Go out with a demon. Who needs a soul anyway?

Rule # 50: Just remember to KILL HIM FOR ME!

Rule # 51:If you're here long enough to see Christmas roll around be ready for some weird gifts.

Rule # 52:Want a normal gift? Then tell the small children in the Toys 'R' Us the next town over that the dolls have an insatiable thirst for blood.

Rule # 53:Speaking of kids, remember the blood of infants can give you unholy superpowers; so drink it.

Rule # 58:But don't forget to hide the body parts of your victims, otherwise people ask embarrassing questions.

Rule # 55:Or better yet eat the evidence.

Rule # 56: Can't stomach the idea? Then feed it to someone else; Lazy Susan does it all the time and no one ever notices. (chuckles to himself.)

Rule # 57: There are plenty of ways to get out of a jam…

Rule # 58:For example, if someone is stronger then you just run away.

Rule # 59:If they're faster than out smart them.

Rule # 60:And when in the presence of someone much wiser than you, point in a random direction and yell, "Look, a distraction!" Then run.

Rule # 61:Do not tell children that Santa is fat because he eats kids.

Rule # 62:Wait….Disregard last note. (laughs evilly)

Rule # 63: If you're reading this rule it's because you ignored rule number 5….that's bad!

Rule # 64:So need to get rid of your second shadow before he kills you? Read on…

Rule # 65:On average, 100 people choke to death on ball point pens every year.

Rule # 66:So just Stock up on ball point pens. The more you have the more likely he'll choke on at least one of them.

Rule # 67:Wait no… that's not right. the more He has the more likely he'll choke on at least one of them.

Rule # 68:So give him 100 pens for Christmas!

Rule # 69:Learn to fly. And tell no one.

Rule # 70:Remember the secret to flying is throwing yourself at the ground and missing.

Rule # 71:Do not stick fingers into a creatures mouth…that's just tempting fate…and that's bad!

Rule # 72:Want to drive your neighbors crazy? Scream as much as humanly possible at 2AM.

Rule # 73:Or Answer every question with a question.

Rule # 74:Want to be respected? Then refer to people as "mortals".

Rule # 75:Or kill all your enemies in the most disturbing way possible.

Rule # 76:Start by drowning them in fire ants.

Rule # 77:Then kill them.

Rule # 78:Brutally.

Rule # 79:If you end up going to school here then remember! Teachers don't like finding notes on world domination.

Rule # 80:So dunk their head into boiling water. Problem solved.

Rule # 81:Also never ignore the advice of an all knowing being… it will save you a lot of trouble in the end.

Rule # 82:Don't make an all knowing being angry!

Rule # 83:If you do then offer him some chocolate.

Rule # 84:If that doesn't work offer him the soul of the most hatted person in town.

Rule # 85:If that person turns out to be you well…you're screwed! If that person turns out to be him well…THEN YOU'RE REALLY SCREWED!

Rule # 86: Remember what your parents always said? Don't talk to strangers? Well that's wrong!

Rule # 87: Think about it, your friends were once strangers, and your teachers were too!

Rule # 88: The rule is- don't talk to strange people in less it's me duh!

Rule # 89: Stupid flesh bags!

Rule # 90: Another thing never go against prophecy!

Rule # 91: For example, if a cave drawling says the only way to defeat me is by using the Zodiac don't go use something else and think that'll work!

Rule # 92: Never ask a demon too many questions, besides it's not like we'll answer truthfully anyways.

Rule # 93: never have a man to man talk about why your great-nephew is awkward and sweaty.

Rule # 94: Why? Because in this town it just might be your great niece trapped in her brother's body, and that talk would ruin her childhood!

Rule # 95:Don't believe everything a unicorn says, their like the biggest liars in town.

Rule # 96: Remember in Gravity Falls anything is possible, so believe every legend, even if it's something crazy like giant spider people. Who knows it just might save your life.

Rule # 97: Don't worry about what people think, I mean it's not like you flesh sticks do it often enough anyway!

Rule # 98: Remember there is not a shred of evidence that supports the notion that life is serious. Why do you think I'm so weird and out there? It's because you normal people are the real weridos.

Rule # 99: Stop worrying about your weight! Why? Well here's a thought your mortal so it doesn't matter if you eat well and stay fit you're going to die anyway so stop please it's really annoying!

Rule # 100: Remember there is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'

The End! ...or is it?!


Chapter End Notes

I really hope these were worth reading and at least made you laugh a little.

Please let me know what you think, until then...

This is Emily signing off... ;)