Introduction

Welcome. This is a compository of side stories called 'omake'. They are, in this case, mostly cannon (accepted as part of the history of the world).

There can be oddbitts here.

For instance, Tsunade's Heir has had many abandoned plot lines. Some people might appreciate that.

For now, let's have an omake.

Omake. – The travels of Jiraiya.

Temari ran a modest household.

And yes, it was Temari that ran that household. Their father? He essentially lived in his office – had a fold out mat and everything.

And despite being the Sunakage's daughter, nothing really came easy for Temari. No one really cared if she lived or died.

Which she had come to understand was actually fantastic, as that largely removed her from the political 'hotlist' for people to kill.

Oh, that and her brother.

Gaara, she found, very much liked her cooking. And if the post-Naruto, more 'mellow' (if even his mellow form could still be called mellow) Gaara yet terrified the populace… a hungry Gaara, Suna had found, was that x 10.

So it was a surprise when she got a knock on the door.

Understanding that the only people who would have both the business and the balls to knock on their door were salespeople and cub-scouts… she asked Gaara to get it.

He'd been testily lately. Clearly he needed something to eviscerate.

And she never liked those cub-scouts. They continuously sold her bitter chocolate.

… No, that wasn't right of her. She should stop him.

Probably.

It was much to her surprise, therefore, that the voice screaming and the body that went flying by was that of her brother.

She immediately immerged from the kitchen with what armament she could grab.

"Now, now, let's not get hasty here, little lady. Why don't you put that knife down?"

Oh.

Oh SHIT!

Temari couldn't drop her butcher's knife fast enough. She was fortunate not to lose a toe. "Y-Yes Sir!"

Internally, she continued to swear. She quickly ran through the entire list she had learned from Naruto, and began to create new ones on the spot.

It was Him. He was here.

"I was just in the neighbourhood…"

Spying? Assassination? Was he to lay a one-person siege towards a random town of his choosing?

"And I mean, let's be fair. He attacked me first."

Gaara groaned from the rubble of what used to be their breakfast/lunch/dining table. His sand armour had spider web cracks across his entire frame.

"Let's try this again," the weathered man held out his hand, "my name's Jiraiya. I've heard a lot about you."

Now Temari had reflexively shut her eyes the moment Jiraiya's hand had moved, so she didn't actually know that he was offering greetings. "I-I don't know what you've heard, but we're nothing to this town! We see our father once a month! I – please! There are – are tales of your compassion," Temari rambled. Actually, there were such tales. In other countries. Mentioning the Toad Sage and compassion in the same sentence in Wind Country would basically get you laughed at. Or diagnosed with insanity. "Well – Well why don't you prove it now? We'll sing you such praises that wind country will love you – sing them till the day we die. And we'll tell you everything we know so… so…" Temari trailed off. It... was such a pitiful offer. Ninja like him didn't leave families like hers in their wake. They left gore or glory.

Always one or the other.

"So please…" She begged.

Jiraiya sighed and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. Really, now why didn't Tsunade ever have this problem?

"Hey sis," Kankuro entered the hall, "what's with all the – OH SHIT! It's the Gluttonous one!"

"The…" Jiraiya muttered as Kankurou fled in terror. "The Gluttonousone? You… call me the Gluttonous one here?"

"Your 200 meter high summon devoured the oasis agricultural city of Mibu."

"I – well…" Jiraiya floundered. Gamaooki was huge. Bigger than Bunta even. But eating things was basically all he knew how to do. And of course he didn't have any chakra left after summoning that bloated guy. What was he supposed to have done? "I did apologise for that already. And I had him spit it out again anyways."

"Yes," Temari deadpanned, "Five hundred miles of hot sand away from their fields, their herds, and their storehouses. The town starved for fifteen days, and on the sixteenth when aid arrived all that remained were those that had succumbed to insanity and cannibalism."

"Well… well we were at war!" Jiraiya justified. "Like you guys didn't have that Chiyo of yours poison our farming city of Kyoto first. Name one major act of aggression that I did." He challenged. "One"

"You engulfed the entire military force we stationed at the Guardian City of Mac Alie in a miniature sun visible from the neighbouring continent, before you submerged the Christine Oasis two hundred feet below the sands, permanently crippling our water supply. When a team of our best jutsu experts went to recover it, you killed them too, and used the tunnel they'd created to reach the buried water. Then you buried it another two hundred feet underground. We're still trying to raise it."

"What, still? Didn't you have that guy that specialized –"

"You exploded him."

"Okay, now I definitely don't remember doing that one."

"His head was found in at the western border, and his right thigh was found in the capital city. It was determined that you were the only person with enough destructive power to explode someone quite so thoroughly."

Jiraiya wisely chose not to comment on that. Even if, now that he recalled the fight, that guy had converted about 35% of his blood into oil before setting said oil on fire – and as one might expect that had hurt like a sunnovabitch, so in his opinion such an explosion was entirely justified. "Look, we were at war. Now we're at peace. We're allies, right? And that… that isn't me any more. I'm strictly non-combat…. believe me. I'm so retired that you can practically see the rust on me. I've washed my hands of bloodshed and to be honest I don't fight anyone now."

It was at this point that Gaara, sensing that Jiraiya was maximally distracted, launched a one foot in diameter pointed spear of sand.

In a flash, the rest of his body remaining perfectly relaxed, Jiraiya pushed a rasengan into the attack.

It exploded with such centrifugal force that the entire column twisted powerfully and, with reversed momentum, spiralled as it slammed backwards into Gaara – launching him again into the dining table rubble.

"And that doesn't count." Jiraiya insisted. "That was self defence."

Temari stared.

She hadn't seen him move.

No.

She hadn't even seen him blink.

To him, that wasn't something that warranted looking at.

It was like swatting a fly. You don't hunt every single insect that buzzes your ear.

Sometimes you just wave them off.

Which part of him is supposed to be retired?!

"Look, you're totally throwing off my rhythm here." Jiraiya complained. "I made a new introduction dance and everything. Just listen. I heard from Tsunade that you had some kind of *ahem* thing *ahem**ahem* going with my nephew and well… I was in the neighbourhood."

Nephew?

Nephew!

That's right. This guy was that Naruto-kun's uncle! He had said… what was it?

My uncle? Ah, damn, don't talk about that guy. Seriously. What a perverted, cheap, annoying, perverted… pervert. Lately he's been really nuts. Half the time when we're training he tries to trick me into thinking I'm in mortal danger. The other half of the time he tries to trick me into thinking what we're doing isn't perverted. But it totally is. And he's always coming over to eat our food for some reason. And he always tries to clear out the meat first, that old…

The sudden realization that he'd never once glanced her way hit Temari like a berserking horse.

He… from the very beginning, had been looking over her shoulder.

"Say, even a stew's going to burn if you leave it like that." He commented.

"I… I…" Not for the first in this conversation, Temari felt numb. Robotically, she turned and walked to her stove. She mittened herself and picked up the stew pot. She felt entirely hollow as she said "thank you," and faced the legendary gentleman.

Numbly, experimentally, she moved the pot to the side.

Jiraiya looked to the side.

She moved it to the other side.

Jiraiya looked to the other side.

Temari sweatdropped. Gluttenous one, huh? "W-Won't you please share some… some stew with us?"

"What?!" Jiraiya appeared masterfully startled. "Oh no," he licked his lips, "I wouldn't want to impose."

"…" This is some kind of nightmare. Some kind of surreal nightmare. "No, please… I insist."

"Well if you insist" Jiraiya shrugged happily.

It was then that Kankurou burst into the room. "I'll distract him sis! Run!"

Temari looked at him impassively. Why does he always barge in at the dumbest times?

"Nice limb control," Jiraiya commented, tearing his eyes away from the stew for the first time. "Not many puppet users around recently, and getting the genjutsu up around it that quickly is even rarer."

"It's not a puppet." Kankuro responded. "I mean, I'm not a puppet. I'm the real Kankurou."

Jiraiya gave the puppet a brief flat look but otherwise ignored the comment. "Nice paint job, too. Kabuki?"

The real Kankurou exploded into the room, his bad habit of righteous anger on this particular subject moving him on autopilot. "It's not PAINT!" He roared. "It's MAKEUP!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…Damnit Kankurou." Temari sighed.

"… Wait," Kankurou held up a hand, "let me try that again."

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A/N:

Done mostly because pops (my muse, mickey, ect) really likes Jiraiya. And he kept being like: "Omake ideas? Yeah, write Jiraiya with STDs" or "write Jiraiya with blah blah".

So... in the end... I wrote Jiraiya.

With the sand siblings, because damnit, I put a damn good amount of work into their characters ('specially Temari) and frankly I think they're great. Underused for how great they are, but the plot calls not for them yet.

Well, that's what omake are for I guess.

Not much to say on this. I always thought Jiraiya should be an uber-badass, what with the way the people of konoha respect him.

Frankly, it's only right that the people of other countries should be scared out of their minds by him.

Yeah, I went back to the Kankurou paint joke. I might even be running out of those...

Nahh, I'm pretty sure they're inexhaustable.

Tell you what, if there isn't a Tsunade's Heir chapter on new years, then I'll post an omake. Probably a new years omake.