It hurts.
Not the type of pain that comes with a cut or scrape, a pain that cannot even be matched by a bone breaking in two.
A pain that cannot be described by mere words, for the feeling it leaves cannot be comprehended by the English language. It's a scar that can't be seen by the naked eye.
But it's there, burning, No matter how hard I try, it doesn't go away. I tried to distract myself with high school exams and all, even dating a girl or too, but no matter what I did, you never left my mind. Not for a second.
Oh, God it hurts.
Every time I see you and him together, that pain stabs my heart with its icy tip. Each time my eyes see how happy you are without me, the invisible wound only gets deeper.
That time when I saw you kiss him. I actually thought of ending it all, I considered that life wasn't worth living without you. But, I couldn't, since deep down inside I just thought that you would maybe miss me? I don't want to see you sad. But, would you? Would you really miss me? Or even notice that I was gone?
Would you feel the same pain I feel if I was gone?
I remember seeing you yesterday, with him; you had your arms around him, saying all those sweet things to him, I felt so envious; I wanted to be the one in your embrace, why couldn't you see how much I love you?
Much more than he ever did, when you first confessed to him, I put on a fake smile-pretending to be happy for you. But, inside I was crying and that pain came back, I felt that cold ruthless stab that came when you said those words to him, and not me.
It hurts. It really does, I guess I'm just good at hiding it…. I tried for a bit to try to be happy for you too, but I couldn't, see you smile with someone else, it pained me. It hurt me, how badly I wanted to be in his place.
When I received the letter about the sports scholarship in the mail, how badly I wanted to share it with you, I remember rushing over to your apartment and I tried to bring myself to knock on the door and share the news, but he was there. I wonder if I did tell you, would you be happy for me? Would you feel proud? Would you hug me like you hugged him when he received a passing grade?
I remember bowing my head as I walked off, the typed 'Congratulations' letter still in my hand, It's hard for me to go half way across the world to join this school, but I hope your proud of me. I'm going to do my best for you….I wish I could have told you in person, about leaving, but….all I could do was write this letter, and as I write this letter your with him, smiling.
It's been a year since you two started dating, and I can't leave you without telling you how I feel. I just have to get it off my chest you know? Or else I'll really regret it, for not trying. Or at least not telling you…
I love you, Gokudera, I really do.
Sincerely
Yamamoto Takeshi
The boy folded the paper, slipping it into the white envelope that already had the recipient's name printed on it. Sorrow was in his eyes, as he looked at his empty room, all his belongings packed neatly away in suitcases that waited near the door. His dad's voice echoed through the house urging him to hurry up, or else they would miss the flight.
He held the letter in one hand, his suitcase in the other as he walked outside. "I have to do one more thing…" His lips were in a straight line, his infamous grin for once not plastered to his face. His dad nodded.
The black haired boy slipped the letter into the addressee's mailbox, walking only to turn back for a second.
"Goodbye." He whispered, a breeze blew carrying away his words.
