Football is a game played on virtually every planet in the known universe. It is a curious coincidence that most planets developed the game independently, a fact which means that there are slight differences in every version of the game. The most commonly disputed rule is what is known as 'the offside rule'. There are far too many versions of this rule to explain, but arguments over the offside rule have caused some of the most violent disputes in amateur sport.

On some planets, football players are praised extensively, which baffles other, less athletic planets immensely. On other planets, football is only played by the unsavoury in character, and is considered disreputable. In fact, on Betelgeuse 5, no commercial shops sell footballs, and even the mention of the sport is enough to make people spontaneously declare that they don't know you and have never seen you in their lives. Curiously enough, this also happens on football-loving planets if you happen to mention that you support particularly unsuccessful teams.

Scientists have often postulated that if we knew exactly why people seem to have such strong feelings towards football, we would understand people far better. Unfortunately, they have come to the realization that nobody would really care, so they may as well just pack it in, go home, and catch the match of the day.