a/n: Hey, thanks for reading. This is actually one of my entries in my journal, but I thought it worked for Alex so I decided to put it up. Please Review.
Disclaimer: Alex still belongs to Anthony even though I wish it was other wise.
Now I don't believe men are born to be killers
I don't believe this world can't be saved
How did you get here and when did it start?
An innocent child with a thorn in his heart
-12 Stones
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Sometimes I feel like I never was a proper teenager. It seems like I lost one of the best parts of life and will never be able to get it back. People act like they are indestructible; I know it's not true. I'm not naïve; I know that that the world isn't always a good place, I know that people are killed not because of what they've done but because something bad has happened to someone and they have to get rid of their hurt and the only way they can is by hurting someone else more.
People ask me why I'm always so tired, I tell them I don't sleep well I don't tell them it's because of the nightmares. People tell me that my eyes belong too an adult. I never will be the same. Even the simplest things can set me off. The school bell, yelling, a gun shot, I hear any of these and my heart starts pounding, adrenaline fills me, and then I realize it's nothing, but I can't control that reaction.
Funerals don't affect me as much, I've been to too many, too many friends have died. I can sit at the funeral and not cry a tear, but then go home and cry over what I am becoming. Numbness seems to control me and then it shatters and such pain consumes me until I wish the numb hadn't vanished. I can't sit with my back towards a door with out looking over my shoulder every two or three minutes. I fall asleep with a pocket knife under my pillow. Other teens have known the terror of a simple desk being all that is between you and death. Most teens have never fired a gun, let alone know how to take it apart, clean it, and put it back together, and then being able to use it to shot through the center of the lid of a milk container.
As a teenager I shouldn't know this, no teenager should know this. But I'm not a teenager anymore, I am according to my age but I don't feel like one. Sometimes I feel like I carry the whole world on my shoulders. No, my teenage years were stolen from me. But there are still the times I can act like one, when I can goof of with my friends, make a fuss over doing homework, join in conversations of who is the worst teacher. And it has taught me lessons I would have never grasped. I know how to savor each moment, let people how much I care for them simply because I never know if I will ever see them again, how to laugh with my entire being, I've learned how to appreciate the beauty of the world. These simple things seem to help ease the burden somewhat, turn the pain to joy, and calm my soul.
Alex
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Icy
chills round your heart
A heart that's made of stone
It seems
like
Life is out to get you
To destroy what you want
-Kuttles
a/n: So what do you think? Please just let me know.
