Losing More than a City
This story is set in season 8 and a knowledge of that season would be useful but hopefully not completely necessary. However the story goes AU from the middle of the season 7 finale (Lost City), hence the title of the story. Hope you enjoy, please feel free to comment or ask questions and please leave reviews but please, no flames. The premise is explained in this chapter so I don't want to say too much. Thanks for reading.
Chapter 1
Sam woke abruptly from her nap. She'd had the same nightmare before but that didn't stop the horrific fear from ripping through her body. Her hand gingerly moved from her pillow to her stomach.
It was still there. She breathed again, having almost forgotten until this point.
Her baby was still there. She could feel the swelling that proved her five-month-old foetus was still present.
Her other hand moved to shield her eyes from the late afternoon sun that was streaming through her window. She knew this had to stop. Unfortunately, she just had no idea how to do that.
Sam rolled over to get out of bed, struggling to sit up, wondering how on earth ... or any other planet ... she'd be able to move in a few months. She smiled and let out a quiet giggle when the image of Teal'c with a winch sprang into her mind as she very carefully stood up. She moved to the bedroom door then walked gingerly along the hall. This whole pregnancy thing had completely screwed with her balance.
As Sam made her way to the kitchen to make some herbal tea, her dream continued to cloud her mind. She looked at her clock –1700. Daniel and Teal'c were due for dinner. She had planned to cook but clearly that was not going to happen. Oh well, take-out was always good.
Sam got the menus off the wall, wondering what she and the baby wanted for dinner, but then, as she turned back to the counter, she felt a wave of light-headedness come over her. She grabbed the kitchen counter and forced herself to kneel down before she fell down. Sitting on the floor, her head between her knees, she tried to breath. Her dream was flashing like a film through her mind, overwhelming her.
Even though she was being assailed by the images that had been haunting her every night in her sleep, she was still able to make sense of the ringing that she heard. She knew it must be her team mates arriving, but she was locked in place and was unable to even call out to them.
Daniel, knowing that Sam often had an afternoon nap, quietly opened the door and entered. "Sam," he said in a high pitched tone, expecting her to be asleep and not wanting to wake her if she were. He looked around as he entered and his eyes travelled to his friend's kitchen and caught a glimpse of Sam's foot. "Sam!" he screamed, this time running along the hallway into the kitchen. "Teal'c, hurry!" he added unnecessarily to his friend.
Daniel skidded to a halt beside Sam. She was breathing quickly and had a fine sheen of sweat on her skin. "Sam, just breath, calm down," he said, hunching down to check her while trying to stop his voice from betraying the worry he was feeling.
Sam was staring into space, her eyes flickering over nothing. She reached out to grasp Daniel's hand. She didn't utter a word but was desperate for physical contact. "Da…ni…el," she whispered.
"Come on, Sam, let Teal'c lift you up onto the sofa," Daniel said gently.
Sam suddenly snapped out of her fog and looked up at Teal'c. "Teal'c! When did you get here?" she asked, confused.
"I have just arrived, ColonelCarter. Let me make you more comfortable." Teal'c bent down to pick her up and Sam looped her arms around his neck. Teal'c carried her gently to the sofa and laid her down. He noticed that she was beginning to shiver. He looked around for a blanket but Daniel was already reaching for one.
As Daniel covered her he spoke to her quietly. "What's going on, Sam?"
She turned away from him, unwilling to share. "I don't know if I can do this, Daniel," she finally whispered. Wiping a stray tear from her cheek she tried to continue. "I can't sleep. I keep having the same nightmare over and over, only most of it isn't a nightmare. I just keep reliving the same memories."
"What do you dream about, Sam?"
"What do you think, Daniel? I dream about the Tel'chek, about Antarctica, Fifth, coming home, and what a complete disaster everything is."
Daniel sighed; he'd been in the same position many times over the last few months. "Sam, that's just a summary. Please tell us what you actually dream about, how you feel. Let us help you," Daniel pleaded.
Sam sniffed and tried to smile; she knew it was time. Maybe telling would take away the pain, at least a little. "It could take awhile."
"We have no plans, ColonelCarter," Teal'c said as he sat down opposite her.
"Just seeing you, that's our only plan. How about we call for take-out then you can start. Okay?" Daniel asked with feeling. He was always thinking with his stomach.
"Okay. Menus are on the floor," Sam said sheepishly. "Can you get me a chicken fried rice?" She lay back in the sofa, determined to get the dream organised in her head. She had no intention of telling the story twice.
Daniel returned and sat beside her. "So, shall we begin?" he joked. "Once upon a time..." He got no further before Sam hit him, but she giggled. Clearly his intention.
"The dream usually starts the same every night. We're on the Tel'chek on the way to Proclarush and Jack quits. I don't ask him to, don't want him to, but he does. I'd only told him that Hammond said I should take over the team should it become necessary but he just tells me to take over right there and then, and then quits. Then the dream jumps. We're alone in the cargo room on the way to Antartica and for the first time in so many years there's nothing stopping us. I won't give you a full description... but you get the picture."
Sam stopped and looked at her friends while patting her stomach. She was a little amused to see Daniel go pink. "Anyway, for a short time we have everything and it's amazing. I tell him how I feel and he does the same. It feels like nothing could stop us being together."
Sam sniffed and gratefully took a tissue from the box Teal'c was holding. Talking was making the memories clearer; perhaps this wasn't such a good idea. But Sam knew that if she stopped now she'd never be able to restart the conversation. In some ways she couldn't believe all she had kept hidden for the last few months. So she took a deep breath before continuing.
"The dream switches to Antarctica. I'm so scared. He's leaving me and I have no idea what to do. In my dream I can hear the baby asking where its daddy's going. It keeps asking me, Daniel!" Sam was now openly sobbing.
Both Daniel and Teal'c had been aware of some of the details but Sam had been very tight lipped over the whole affair.
"It's okay, Sam," Daniel said. "It's just your subconscious. I promise. Come on, tell us what happens next."
Teal'c silently handed Sam more of the tissues and then spoke up. "ColonelCarter, I may not be known for talking but I do believe it will assist you."
Sam nodded and continued. "The dream usually moves to me being with Fifth. The scenarios are always different – and there are so many – but it's always Fifth. He knew I was pregnant – he could sense it or something – and so the idea's always the same: Jack's retired and the three of us ... Jack, me and the baby ... are simply enjoying life, and we're always so happy." Sam looked down for a moment, remembering those happy moments, before looking back up, continuing in an emotionless voice. "Only Fifth is playing Jack." She looked up at Daniel entreatingly. "I didn't mean to go with it, Daniel. I didn't know at first that it was Fifth but in the dream my baby keeps mocking me, telling me I should've realised what was happening sooner. But the picture Fifth showed me was exactly the life I wanted. Maybe because I accepted that life with Jack and went along with it, not acknowledging that it wasn't real – or even questioning it – is why I don't have it now."
Sam took a deep breath. She'd never voiced that fear to anyone, even Cassie, who knew more than the guys. "Then the dream's on Thor's ship, and Jack's there and I'm so happy. But he turns away and leaves me again and I don't know what to do. The baby keeps shouting at me, telling me it's going to leave me because I've ruined everything!" Sam was beyond consolable as she moved into Daniel's open arms to get some comfort, the comfort she'd denied herself for two long months.
"ColonelCarter," Teal'c said quietly, "How does your dream end?" Sam stiffened; the perceptive Jaffa had realised there was more to the story.
Teal'c had witnessed a conversation aboard The Daniel Jackson. The discussion had involved O'Neill telling Sam off for her casual attitude toward him, reprimanding her for trying to discuss personal things, and then flat out telling her he felt nothing for her. Teal'c had been very close to stepping in to defend his female friend but hadn't felt it was his place. Today he had begun to see that he should have done something.
Sam looked at Teal'c, shaking her head. She couldn't continue. He took her hand. "Does it involve a conversation with O'Neill on the ship?"
Sam nodded. "I knew he didn't remember and logically I was okay with that. All the things he said, they hurt, but he believed I was still with Pete. I could understand."
Teal'c couldn't believe what he was hearing. His friend was incredible.
"I'd thought... I'd hoped he'd change his mind when he remembered. But he didn't, Teal'c. In fact, he said worse things."
"Oh, Sam! Why didn't you come to us, tell us?" Daniel asked, stroking her hair and rubbing her back, trying to get her to calm down.
Sam shrugged. "Pride? Or maybe I thought it was all a dream."
"What did Jack say, Sam? Is that why you left the SGC?"
"I went to the doctor after we got back and they confirmed the baby. I knew it was Jack's; Pete and I hadn't been together in ages. I needed to tell him and then I was going to quit. I thought if I could just remind him of what we'd had then we could be together, be happy. So I went around to his house and I tried, Daniel, but he kept shutting me out."
~ Flashback ~
"Why are you here, Carter?" Jack snapped, not letting her past the doorway.
"I need to ask you something... tell you something," Sam replied, trying to sound strong.
"Well, out with it! I haven't got all day and I'm sure you have to get back to Pete."
"Don't, Sir. Please don't be like this."
"What do you want to ask?" he said snippily.
"Do you remember... do you remember the cargo ship before Antarctica?"
"Yeah, I remember," he responded, his face expressionless.
"Then you know why I'm here, why I split up with Pete, what I want to talk about." She looked up at him hopefully.
"Not really, Carter. I know that what we did on the cargo ship was just out of pity, something that couldn't go on your record 'cause I'd just resigned or, hell, I'd be dead before we got back, so it wouldn't matter. Nothing more. It's not as if it was love. You just felt sorry for me and the regs weren't in the way."
Sam flinched at his description. "No, it... it wasn't out of pity," she stammered.
"It may not have been for you but all I wanted was the chance to say – Done it! The end!"
"You don't mean that," she said, her voice quivering.
"Carter, you mean nothing to me," he almost shouted, using small syllables as if to a child.
Sam took a step backwards towards the edge of the porch "No, you... you said you loved me."
"No, Carter. Never have, never will. Now, I think it's time for you to leave." He began to herd her towards the stairs.
"No, please don't do this! I have to tell you something!" Sam was struggling against him as he moved her off his property. She began pushing at his chest.
He quickly grabbed her wrists and locked them behind her back. "Colonel, that's awfully close to assaulting a superior officer," he said in a tone that was so cold it nearly broke her.
But she stood her ground and looked him in the eye. "I came to tell you that I'm pregnant and I'm sure... no, I know... that it's yours."
For a tiny second some emotion slipped through Jack's expressionless exterior but not enough to fill Sam with hope. Jack's next words made her recoil from him. "Then you'd better get rid of it because I want nothing to do with it... or you."
He pushed her down the stairs, not enough that she'd fall, but enough to get the message across that she wasn't welcome.
Sam stood for a long time, stunned and sobbing.
~ End Flashback ~
"My dream finishes with Jack performing the abortion, only he doesn't care if I'm alive at the end of it," Sam said in a dull tone, totally wiped of emotion.
The men stared at her as she continued. "I couldn't get rid of the baby. Janet did lots of tests before she... I'm not supposed to be able to have kids. I can't get rid of it."
Daniel was shocked – well, beyond shocked – and Teal'c was disgusted and seething inside. Destroying a child was not favoured among the Jaffa unless the mother was in severe danger and even then usually there was an attempt to save the child. A child was seen to be a gift from the gods and, although he had long ago lost his belief in those gods, he still believed a child was a gift.
Daniel could hardly form any words. He had longed for a child but, like Sam, had been told it was unlikely. He hadn't thought anything of Sha're not falling pregnant until he'd found out that she'd conceived with Apophis. He'd then discovered that it was him who was almost infertile. Daniel couldn't imagine turning his back on his child. Couldn't picture Jack doing it, either.
"Did he mean it, Sam? I mean, really mean it?"
Sam leaned back in the chair and faced the question that had really plagued her. "I don't know. I haven't seen him since. I sent in my reassignment papers on medical grounds and got transferred to the Academy. It seemed like he meant it but I guess I'll find out today."
"Why? What's happening today?"
"Cassie's gone to see him. She thinks he's nuts and plans to tell him so. I gave her a letter to give to him and I put in an ultrasound picture. If the picture comes back I'll know he wants nothing to do with us. If he keeps it at least I know he wants the baby."
"Well, I think we've worked out why you're having nightmares, Sam. What with keeping all this to yourself and waiting for the outcome of today I'm surprised you're not catatonic."
"Yeah," she whispered, "I suppose."
The doorbell rang, signalling the arrival of their dinner. As Teal'c headed for the door Sam left to wash up.
Teal'c returned and both he and Daniel were lost in thought while they waited for Sam to return. Unusually, Teal'c started talking. "If these are O'Neill's true feelings and actions, then he is no longer worthy of my loyalty, DanielJackson."
"There has to be an explanation, Teal'c. Jack loves Sam... or at least he did. I'd put money on it. After losing one child how could he demand she kill another? It doesn't make sense."
Seeing where Daniel's thoughts were taking him, Teal'c spoke solemnly. "We cannot interfere, DanielJackson. It may only make the situation worse. Perhaps CassandraFrasier will return with better news."
"Honestly, Teal'c, I can't see it. If Jack had changed his mind he'd be breaking Sam's door down to see her... and he's not."
The guys laid out the food and Sam returned from having a quick shower, looking better than she had. "Thanks, guys, for being here and for listening. I've missed you both."
"We've missed you, too, Sam," Daniel responded.
"It's been weird being on my own again. I had gotten so used to Cassie being here it feels strange now that she's away at college and can only make it home once a semester."
Teal'c thought for a minute. "Do you require permanent company, ColonelCarter?"
"Maybe... it might be nice before the baby comes," she said wistfully.
Teal'c looked over at Daniel and shared a small smile. "GeneralO'Neill has just this week granted me permission to live out of the mountain. I'm sure that those he had to convince would be mollified if I were to move in with you," Teal'c offered.
"Are you sure, Teal'c? I mean, I get emotional, I have to have all my DVDs in alphabetical order, and I'm a pretty lousy cook apart from the odd thing. I wouldn't want to cramp your style," she joked, trying not to sound too thrilled about the idea, whereas she really loved it!
"It would be a pleasure to be here and someone will have to be available to shop for the strange foods females who are with child desire."
They all smiled.
"Thank you. Teal'c! I accept your offer."
"Good. We should eat now. You need to keep up your strength for the little one," Teal'c stated, raising his eyebrow at Daniel who had surreptitiously started without them.
*********************SJ*********************************
Ok the story is done just some final read throughs, so will continue to post a chapter every couple of days. Before anyone says, I know Jack is way off what we see in the show, please accept this is an AU and read in that way.
