Sirius Black. There he is. Oh God, there he is! Mother of a Goblin, he's on his way! The mere sight of him made my heart race, and I knew that the blood was rushing to my cheeks. My mind wandered on one of its eternal journeys, thinking of what would happen when I walked up to Sirius and confessed my ever-so-cheesy feelings. He'd take my hand and tell me that he had known all along. That he felt the same. Absolutely.
He's on his way! Damn it, he's so bloody good looking. Confident and charming as always.
There he is, there he is, he's… gone? What? That wasn't a part of my great plan. I stared nervously at his back, waiting for him to turn around and remember he had to talk to me, Remus Lupin, his best friend. And at last, he finally did turn around and waved at me with a satisfied grin.
"Hi Moony!" he shouted. All the words that I had been practising vanished like thin air.
"Hi Pads!"
He didn't stop to talk anyway. I noticed that James and Peter joined him, and that they continued their walk towards the common room. I felt betrayed. Not that I really had anything to say to him, but he could at least look like he had time to talk. Then again, he was probably counting on me to catch up with them later at our dorm.
I began walking again, but not towards the place where I knew my friends would be.
I quickened my pace and, in the end, began running. It felt good. I sped up and aimed for the huge doors that led outside, stubbornly ignoring the curiously looking students who couldn't keep their way too long (almost Snape-looking) noses to themselves.
Something in my nature, I suppose it had to do with the small 'werewolf' issue, caused a certain love for running. Whenever I had to get away and be on my own, I'd run. Or go to the library, of course.
I followed my usual path, past the trees and alarmingly close to the border of the Forbidden Forest..
I shook my head as I ran towards the Lake.
As I finally reached its shores, I noticed that I was breathing heavily. I bit my lower lip and sat down in the spring-green grass. No tears revealed my feelings, but I felt them stacking up and flooding over inside of me like a great sea contained inside a small aquarium.
A twig snapped behind me, and I let out a small shriek before I got on my feet in a hurry. I didn't feel any need to raise my wand as I noticed the person approaching me.
"Hey, Lily!" I waved at her and sat down again, still feeling my heart racing dramatically. Lily Evans hastily walked the last few feet to eliminate the distance between us.
"Hi there, Remus," Lily replied cheerfully.
"How's it going?" she asked me with a peaceful smile. I smoothly avoided her question by asking her to sit down, and so she did.
"How's it going?" she repeated without any trace of impatience, and I sighed.
"Nothing's going at the moment," I replied. She grunted and looked at me.
"No progress or whatsoever?"
I looked at her in surprise, my facial expression describing a question mark. She glanced at me silently.
"No progress?" I asked her nervously and frowned. Naturally, Lily had been around us a lot during the past few months, and she was definitely not dumb. But could I really be that easy to figure out?
To my relief, Lily Evans shrugged and pulled a hand through her flamingly red hair.
"I don't know, you're clearly having some sort of problem, Remus. It's kinda obvious."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I think," Lily began after a short moment of silence, "that Remus Lupin is in love. Either that, or he's finally found some unsolveable mystery and is now tearing himself apart to find the answer. Or perhaps you've just gone mad."
I screwed up my eyes and frowned. Who was she to make such assumptions, no matter how true they'd turn out to be? What gave her the right to come here and.. try to help me. I sighed defeatedly.
"Lily, no offense, but I'd really rather not talk about it. It's personal, and it's-"
"Obvious," Lily finished my sentence, however not with the word I was thinking of myself. I felt annoyed as I studied her confident face. There was no doubt in her eyes. She reached out to touch my arm, but I pulled it closer to my chest. She looked hurt for a moment, but she decided to let it go.
"Remus, Remus, I think I know the solution." she said and glanced over the calm waters of the Lake.
She got on her feet and waved goodbye before she ran back towards the huge outlines of the castle that would be Hogwarts. Once again, I frowned.
Lily's 'solutions' were known between the four of us, The Marauders; James, Sirius, Peter and I, for being almost as horrible as Peters 'ideas'. This definitely meant trouble.
I was still sitting by the Lake an hour later. The huge oaks behind me were blocking the most of the sun, creating a dark, cool shadow; the perfect spot for relaxation.
I heard footsteps behind me, but I didn't bother to turn around, thinking that Lily had finally returned with her 'solution'. Something large hit the ground next to me. I turned my head and did actually face the 'solution'. But it was not what I had expected; actually I realised that I felt some sort of happiness. James was sitting there silently, waiting for me to speak to him. I, however, didn't.
"Lily sent me," he said slowly. I nodded.
"I know," I replied in a depressed tone, wondering where this would go.
"She thinks that you need to talk," James Potter continued while rubbing his right arm with his left hand.
Oh boy, was she right. Something deep inside of me felt.. what? Gratitude, I believe. For once, I was happy that Lily had reacted. James did always listen when you needed him to (when he wasn't busy with one of his famous pranks), and he never judged. Even when I told him and the rest of the Marauders about my.. situation, being a werewolf and all, he had only snorted and replied that 'werewolves would be nothing compared to Sirius's mother', causing the rest of us to laugh and make jokes about the Blacks for the rest of the evening. Later, my three best friend had been teaching themselves the art of transforming into animals, each of them becoming an Animagus.
"I.. uh.." I began, not knowing exactly what to say.
"You.. uh?" James smiled, and I felt my mind lighten up a bit.
"I.. well, erh.."
"Am
I to experience the great Remus Lupin.. speechless? Just wait 'till
I tell Sirius that-" I felt my facial expression change by the
sound of his
name, and before I could do anything about it, James noticed too. He
stopped talking, and instead he looked at his hands.
"Oh.." he
mumbled as he realised what was going on, and I buried my face in my
robes. I had no clue what to do, and neither had James. But suddenly
I felt a comforting hand on my shoulder.
"Prongs, he'll hate me. He'll be disgusted, won't he?" I asked in a pitchy voice.
. I
didn't look at James' face, but I was sure that he was using
every inch of his brain to come up with a good answer.
"I don't
really.. know.. you know.. he might.. you know, know," he babbled,
and I couldn't help but wonder what went through his mind.
"It's
alright, Prongs, don't worry about it. I'll live. He's just
so.. handsome and funny. Always cheers me up. But I'll be okay,"
I whispered and smiled bravely. I ignored the continuous stabbing in
my heart as I lied to James, but I believe that he already saw
through me.
"Love sucks, doesn't it?" he mumbled. I nodded.
"I'm not even sure if I love him, maybe I'm just exaggerating," I suggested and looked at James.
"Moony, are you crying?" James asked, terrified. The conversation had turned rather quickly, and he was unprepared. I wrinkled my forehead and wiped away a tear on my cheek.
"Apparently.."
The
silence was like a blanket or a pillow: silently trying to choke me.
I had to say something. But James beat me to it.
"Tell him,"
was all he said, but I knew that he ment it. I nodded and got on my
feet. I felt a need to let James know how nice it was to have such a
friend, and all of a sudden I realised that he hadn't even flinched
when I confessed my love for another guy. I was
in love with another guy. How could James be so cool? When I myself
was disgusted, horrified and scared at the same time?
"Do you
know how alone I feel sometimes?" I asked and sat back down in the
grass. He put his arm around my shoulders and shook his head with a
smirk.
"Nope."
"Well, being a werewolf is not a great way of making friends. And if I'd turn out to be.." I shivered slightly, "gay, I don't imagine any converations in my future. 'Hi, I'm Remus Lupin, and I'm a homosexual werewolf."
James let go of my shoulder to wrap his arms tightly around his stomach while laughing. I wrinkled my forehead and wondered why he'd find it so funny.
"I don't know, perhaps they have support groups, Moony. Y'know, like 'Single Moms' or whatever," he giggled when he was finally able to control his laughter. I quickly got on my feet. How stupid was I, thinking that James of all people would know what I was dealing with.. every day of my life? Nobody did.
"I have to get back. Thanks for talking, Prongs," I mumbled and hastily turned around to run towards Hogwarts, ignoring the vague protests of James Potter.
