The weirdest thing ever

A Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt fic by DriveMaxUltraDynamoZord )

I recently became a huge fan of this series while watching it from beginning to end recently. It took about 2 weeks for me since other things were going on. I LOVED this series so much that it became my new favorite anime. Not my favorite show of all time, but like… my third favorite show of all time I guess, behind The Ben 10 series and PowerPuff Girls. I fell asleep right after completing the series, and was SO happy with the show. The ending was a mindfuck, yes… but it was pretty cool, either way. I bet you're wondering what happened. I'll tell you. My name is Kyle. I'm basically a male version of Panty in appearance, but nearly her direct opposite in personality. I also have brown eyes instead of blue. That's about it. What happened was….

Day 1. In Daten City.

I yawned, waking up with some dude next to me, in the nude. "AGH!" I screamed, pushing him off, waking him up. The dude seemed to be a policeman of some sort. "WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" I yelled in exasperation. He got up, saying, "Nice time tonight, Panty. You were amazing."

"Two things wrong with that statement, bro. One, I'm a boy, not a girl, and two, my name ain't Panty. It's Kyle." He looked at me weird. He said, "Did you bop your head on the wall when you fell asleep or something? Well, either way, I'm out. See ya next time, I suppose." He walked out after he got his uniform back on. I looked around the room finally. This most certainly was indeed Panty's room in the series. It smelled of some disgusting scent, and the bed sheets were STICKY! I got up, and decided to slip some PJ's on, but I turned to the mirror as soon as I saw it. I ran up to it, practically, and stared at myself. I gasped. The spiky blonde hair… The breasts, the… vajayjay… NO! NO! Nonononononono!

"AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" I screamed again. I then heard, "Oh dear God, whore! You're still fucking that policeman?! Did you fuck him straight through the night or something, bitch?!" I stopped screaming, trying to find the source of the voice. It sounded like Stocking's. I turned to the wall where the bull skull was. It had a phone handle. I picked it up. "No. He left a few seconds ago, Stocking." I said, trying to sound like Panty. Which ended up horribly. I ain't no voice actor. Stocking said, "You coming down with a cold? And what's with not cursing or calling me hooker?!" I jumped back. It dawned on me now. By some unexplained miracle, I ended up in the body of Panty Anarchy. FUCK! Now I gotta deal with female shit. And I knew Stocking wouldn't help me because of the two's almost hatred for each other. I had to come up with other ways. Who else did they know that was female? The Daemon Sisters, Scanty and Kneesocks? I can't talk to them, they'd kill me! Especially since I have no skill with using firearms! "Well, whatever, bitch! I'm going back to sleep!" I heard it hang up. Stocking's sleeping for now.

I NEED to get out of here! What kind of nightmare was this?! Okay. I need to set up rules for myself since I'm here. One, attempt to act like Panty. Two, Fuck every guy I see, almost. I stopped myself. There was NO way I was going to do that. And if I'm in Panty's body, then where is she? New rules. One, cooperate with Stocking and Garterbelt the best I can, but still act like I'm high and mighty. I can MAYBE do that. Maybe. Two, learn how to fire a pistol, and quick. I'm going to be fighting ghosts and the Daemon sisters. Three, learn about girl things, like how a period works, supposedly. They're angels, and you need to die to be an angel, so possibly, I'm in a state of dead walking, so I hopefully wouldn't need to worry about that, but then again, in that one episode, Stocking said they still needed oxygen to breathe, so maybe not. I NEED to answer these questions and FAST! FAST! Four… Is there a four? I mean, I can fight hand to hand, no problem, but I need to learn how to use Backlace. I grabbed some random clothes I could put on easily, then grabbed Panty's signature red dress, and ran for a shower. I found that Garterbelt was in it, singing "Respect" by that one lady, I don't know her name. I then ran back to Panty's room, and folded the dress, planting it firmly on to her bed. I'd worry about new bed sheets later!

I instead ran to the kitchen, and grabbed some cereal box, making cereal for myself. Raisin Bran? They sell that here? Whatever! I like it, and I'm hungry. I guess Mr. Policeman gave Panty a decent time. I started munching, then noticed Chuck sort of scramble in. I always thought he looked strangely cute, in a stuffed animal yet still living sort of way. Chuck looked up at me, and saw me smiling at him. He stopped, and started staring at me back. He said, "Chuck?" I said, "Hi, Chuck. I'll feed ya in a bit. Just let me finish my food." Chuck nodded, and started wandering around again. I laughed to myself. I'll be nice to Chuck, because I always felt he needed more love in the show. I might as well be the one to do it. I finished my food relatively fast, then wandered around to find Chuck. Chuck was back in the kitchen. I searched for his food, but couldn't find it. "Oh man. Hey, Chuck, where do they, I mean, we keep your food again?" He shook his head. Then asked, "Chuckchuck?" I said, "I'm, um, not quite myself today, I guess. Come on. I'll drive you out to the store. We'll get you some proper treats or something." Chuck had an exclamation point over his head, then jumped into my arms, smiling. "Sorry Stocking and I treated you so roughly, little guy." I said. "Come on." I ran to See-Through, the jeep that they owned, and conveniently found the spare keys hanging next to the car on a nail. I pulled it, then got in, seeing Chuck strap himself in. "Good boy!" I told him, patting him on the head as I strapped myself in. Chuck had a massive grin, and said, "Chuck!" He licked me. I was covered in purple slime, but laughed anyway. I started up the jeep, driving out into Daten City. I kept it cruising at a normal speed, because I'd rather let Stocking drive it at super speed. I'll go super fast when I feel comfortable with it.

Within some time, I found a pet store. I parked See-through, then walked into it. Chuck had followed me in. I was immediately met with silent stares from everyone as soon as they saw me walk in. "Panty Anarchy?! You never…" I said, "Shut the fuck up! I'm getting treats for my dog! No comment on any interviews right now, either! Bastards!" I then kept walking. The only person or other thing I'll be myself around is Chuck, seeing as he can't talk about how I'm treating him better. I found some things that looked good for him, seeing as I've never owned a dog before in my life… my boy life, anyway. I was picking around my pockets for Panty's wallet, but the clerk let me have it free of charge. "Why?" I asked him. He told me, "It's the least I could do, I mean, remember when…" I interrupted him. "Yeah, dickwad. I remember. Now let me have my fucking food!" He even helped me load the bags I 'bought' onto See-Through. I'm assuming Panty must have screwed this guy at least once. That's why he's being so nice. Chuck hopped into the passenger's seat as I was deep in thought, then yelled, "CHUCK!" I hopped into the driver's seat, and drove back towards the church they lived at.

It was then that I saw Garterbelt waiting outside. He looked the same as he always did at first, but then his jaw dropped when he saw all of the dog food I got Chuck. "Yo! Hoe! Are you serious?! How much did you spend on all that chow?! You better not be wasting my cash on that shit!" He yelled at me. I said, "Chill out, fucker! I bought this shit for Chuck because he was hungry and I fucking forgot where we keep Chuck's fucking food, okay?! And the guy let me have it free, so fuck the hell off, Garter! Get Stocking and help me unload all this shit, too, while you're at it!" He said, "Oh no you din't! He did NOT let you-" I said, "YES HE FUCKING DID, BITCH!" he sighed. "Give me the strength, lord…" he said as he started helping me unload the food. We put it into the pantry for Chuck, and I happily filled his bowl with some of the kibbles n' bits I got him. He started gnawing his way through it, too. I heard him sound extremely happy for once. It brought a smile to my face, as I quickly got my mad look back. "Yo, Garter, I forgot to shower, too, thanks to all your rapping shit in the shower! See ya!" Garterbelt grabbed my arm. "It's not rappin' ya foo'! It's singing! Now go in that shower, hoe! You smell like semen and shit!"

He let me go, and I walked back to Panty's room, grabbing her red dress, and a new pair of panties. After what seemed like forever trying not to perversely stare at myself in the mirror again, I turned on the shower, and did my best to shampoo that LONG spiky hair of hers. I also had to attempt to get make-up and her rings on. Her rings were easy, her make-up was hard to get right. After the make-up, slipping on deodorant, brushing my teeth, and putting on her necklace… I was good. I ran back to Panty's/my room, and started cleaning up a little, even spraying some Febreze and opening a window. It smelled like a normal room again, and I let it slide for now. One thing I was NOT going to do was fuck somebody. I ain't that way, guys. I heard a knock on my door, and saw Stocking. "Hey, hooker." I said, cringing as I did so. Boy, it was easy to talk to Garterbelt like that, but knowing Stocking was her sister/my temporary sister, it felt wrong to say it. Stocking said, "What's with taking a sudden interest in Chuck's well-being, Panty?" She sounded concerned more than pissed. I guess Garterbelt told her what was happening.

"Well, I figured if I was going to go back to Heaven, I had to do something good while I was down here, Stocks." I said. Stocking raised her eyebrow. "Really?" She asked me. I nodded. "Oh, and, that policeman was the last guy I'm gonna fuck for a while, too. Don't worry about being kept awake for a long time. I'll go straight to sleep." She said, "Wow. What's gotten into you, whore?" I nearly snapped at her, but regained my composure. "Stocking, we're angels. I just think we should act more like them. Or, at least I should, y'know?" Stocking said, "So, Garter's speeches are getting to you?" I stated, "More or less, but I'm not going to let that fucker know that, y'know?" She said, "Okay. If you're sure. Like I care what you do." I asked her, "If you came here to talk about it, doesn't that mean you care, hooker?" She said, "NO! It's just weird, that's all! FUCKING BITCH!" Well, okay. Hooker is as far as I'm gonna go for now. "Good to know you're worried about me, THAT'S ALL!" I yelled back. Seems as if this adventure's going to be tough. One, I don't know what's going to end this. Am I going to go back home once I get Panty to heaven? Or, will I stay this way forever? And what episode are we going from? I don't know yet. All I know is, I'll start by making Chuck feel at home instead of abused. Maybe I'll work my way up, but I'll keep my best Panty persona possible up for now. Hoepfully, Stocking, Garterbelt, or hell, even Brief won't notice for now. I will be nicer to Brief, slightly. SLIGHTLY. Need to keep up the mean girl image.

I was playing ball outside with Chuck for a bit a few moments later, then noticed he got shocked by the thunderclouds above him. I yelled, "OH MY GOD, CHUCK!" I pulled up the note, and read it. "W.C." I said. Oh crap. The shit ghost. I HATE the shit ghost. I'll most likely get crapped on like Panty did if I'm not careful about when I use the bathroom. I ran inside, and showed the note to Garterbelt while holding a charred Chuck. I was taking care of him. Garterbelt said, "Okay, bitch angels! Whatcha gotta do is stop a ghost that preys on people when they take big shits on the john! It is the most vulnerable position one can be in! It is a most condemnable, DAMNABLE act! Go into the world, angels! Find this demon! Eradicate it!" I was paying too much attention to Chuck to completely notice, though. This little guy NEEDS some love, stat! STAT! God… Stocking grabbed my arm, but I stayed close to Chuck anyway. "But Chuck needs…" Garterbelt said, "Calm down, hoe. Give him an hour or two." He smiled at me, surprisingly. I NEVER, at least I think I never saw Garterbelt smile before. Holy shit. I smiled back. Stocking guided me to See-Through, then took the wheel.

Stocking drove for a few minutes, then pulled over. "Hey. Bitch!" I yelled. "We need to find that shit ghost!" Stocking gave me the evil eye. "Panty, what has gotten into you?" She asked. I said, "So what if I'm being nice to that pile of shit dog! I need to start somewhere!" Stocking said, "You've taken a near 180 degree turn in the past few hours. Buying food for Chuck, playing with him… What happened with that policeman? Did he change you? What did he say? Tell me, whore!" She yelled. "You're making Garter happy. And I've never seen that smile on his face before."

I said, "Like I said. I had an epiphany after my time with that policeman. He didn't trigger it, I just… it dawned on me. I'm an angel, I should act like one. I'm not going to force you to cut down on your sugar intake, but I want to be a better angel, okay, hooker?" I said. I gave her the Panty staredown look, and Stocking nodded. "Fine. You're just not yourself, that's all. And don't say I care, either, because I don't." I nodded, smirking at her, lying back in my seat. She drove off, concentrating on the road, and we ran over a plumber after only a few minutes of driving. I jumped out, while knowing he wasn't our dude, I felt I should act like he was. "Toilet, Plumber, makes sense, eh, Stocking?" I asked her. She asked, "Are you sure it's him?" I answered, "Fuck yeah." I decided to reach under the skirt on the dress, and I pulled out her panties, and spun them around, making them turn into Backlace, Panty's pistol. I stopped for a second. 'How did I know how to do that?!' I thought to myself. I then got on top of the guy.

"So, think you can kill people while they're taking a shit, huh, ghostboy? Feeling lucky, punk? Huh? Do ya?!" Stocking replied, "I'm starting to think it isn't him, bitch." I fired three shots. The plumber said, "Can you stop shooting? It hurts…" I then answered, "I guess so." I then looked down at him, noticing the way he looked. "Ooh, wow. Nicer than I'd expect most plumbers to look." I stated, then immediately was disgusted at the thought I just said it. I supposed I obtained some of Panty's attraction to make it a little easier to blend in, but I didn't want to sound gay or anything, since I'm not! The old woman said, "Looking at him, I understand why you said that, girlfriend. Imagine having some of him up your vag!" She then purred. Stocking said, "You sure you're not gonna fuck him, Panty?" I got off of him. "Nah. Abstinence is the way to go." Stocking's eyes widened. "Okay. Now I KNOW that cop guy did or said something to you in there. You're not a slut anymore." I replied, "He didn't. I just had a thought. That's all." Stocking replied, "You said it was an epiphany, girl." I replied, "Thought, epiphany, same deal. Come on. Let's keep looking, hooker." Stocking sighed. We drove into the city again, attempting to find the shit ghost in some fashion, but we must have went around the whole city twice, or three times, because we never found a ghost. Stocking drove us back, noticing the depressed look on my face. I noticed her grimace getting directed at me often.

As soon as we parked See-Through, I saw something I did not expect to see. Chuck was waiting. Stocking said, "Chuck? The hell is he doing here?" My depressed look slowly went to a smile. I jumped out, and Chuck ran towards me. He automatically jumped in my arms. I told him, "Chuck, seeing you always makes me feel better. Good boy." "Chuckchuckchuck." He barked. Stocking said, "Oh hell no. Now you're planning to take the DOG to bed with you?" Chuck's eye widened, the he stared at me questioningly. I said, "Um, no. That would be gross." Chuck calmed down as Stocking continued walking onwards. I followed behind her, holding onto Chuck the whole way. Garterbelt looked at us. "WHAT?! You mean you failed?! Did you try at all to find that ghost causing the destruction of toilets, you bitches?!" he yelled. I said, "Sorry." While hanging my head down. Chuck licked me again, covering my cheek with purple slobber. Stocking said, "THAT IS IT!" I dropped Chuck as she yelled. "WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY SISTER YOU FUCKING BITCH!?" I pulled Backlace out as Stocking got on me with both Stripe katanas so fast we were up against each other. I had Backlace cocked and ready to fire while Stocking was ready to cut my head off. "WHAT!? I said I was sorry, BITCH! I just didn't feel like cursing then! NOW I DO!" I yelled. Garterbelt walked towards me, staring at my eyes. He said, "Yep. Something's up here. Stocking, I suggest you let the lady go." Stocking said, "As if, motherfucker." Chuck bit Stocking's leg, making her drop both of her swords. I got Backlace back into unloaded mode, and took a deep breath. "Geez, Garter! I had everything under fucking control!" I screamed. Garterbelt said, "Panty, something is definitely different about you. While I personally love this new direction you've taken in bettering yourself, it is not you. What caused it?" Stocking said, "This fucking impostor here said that she had an epiphany after fucking the policeman last night! Said something about how he was going to be the last fuck she would have for a while. I bet this Panty doesn't even know what sex is!"

Garterbelt said, "Panty, nice work in bettering yourself. I hope to see more out of it." Stocking gaped, mouth wide open. I then said, "Just foolin' ya, whore! I'm still the same old mothafuckin' badass I always was! Now shut up so Garter can make us that fuckin' awesome curry of his!" Stocking then conceded, transforming her swords into stockings again, and putting them on, as I put Backlace back on, in panties form of course. We gnawed on Garterbelt's curry. Oh GOD it was so good! Oh… the flavors. I'm a person that seems to get orgasmic over food, and BOY was this good enough to do that! Garterbelt and Stocking looked at me oddly, but shrugged it off. I guess they thought since Panty was that orgasmic of a girl, getting it from food wouldn't be that weird? Correct me if I am wrong.

I walked up to the toilet. "Yo, guys. You need me, I'll be taking a shit!" I yelled, then laughed, slamming the door behind me, hoping it was a Panty thing to do. I'm starting to act too much like me in front of them. Chuck's the only one that doesn't care, because he's a dog, y'know? As I was pooping, I kept this whole thought process chugging on, and I heard the quaking sounds and farting noises Panty heard in the first episode. I gulped, and quickly transformed my panties into Backlace. There was NO way the shit ghost was going to catch ME by surprise! NO WAY IN HELL! I cocked it, getting ready to fire. I got up, standing on the seat, with Backlace pointed downwards, getting ready to fire down into the toilet. "That's right you son of a bitch. Come and get me." I stated to the toilet. I concentrated on the toilet, and as predicted, a poop covered hand came out.

I started firing on it, but it grabbed my hair, and started pulling me in anyway. I grabbed the top of the toilet, and yelled, "CHUCK! HELP!" I knew that by the scene depiction outside the door, Chuck was kinda playing or whatever outside it. He busted the door down, sped over to the top of the toilet, and grabbed my hand. I tossed Backlace across the room for the moment to help Chuck get a better hold on me. The shit ghost's hand was pulling hard, but thanks to Chuck's and my combined strength, I was pulled out. Sure, the lower half of my body was covered in fecal matter, but that didn't matter at the moment. "Good boy, Chuck." I told Chuck. He said, "Chuck!" I then asked "Get Stocking up here. I'll need some backup, okay?" He nodded, dashing for Stocking's room. I grabbed Backlace as the shit ghost rose out of the toilet in a smaller form than from what I remember it being. Good.

I jumped up, launching bullets into its face. The shots flew through it, not really affecting it. I gulped, but kept a confident look on my face. I jumped up, landing on its face, then blasting it repeatedly with other bullet shots. Point-blank seemed to be affecting it big time. I kicked it aside, smashing it into a wall. I then jumped upwards, and tried to drop kick it, but it only spewed shit at me, blasting me into the wall, covering me in fecal matter again. This was the situation I wanted to avoid. I got back up anyway, and blasted it out of the church. It landed in the cemetery above See-Through's garage. I jumped out, then saw him get sliced in half. Stocking had appeared. "Did you seriously send Chuck to have me back you, up, slutbag?" She asked me. I said, "DUH, BITCH! YOU TRY FIGHTING A MONSTER COVERED IN SHIT BY YOURSELF!" The shit ghost rematerialized. I said, "I've had enough of this fucking fucker covering me in shit, so it's time to fuck him up! Big time!" Stocking said, "Agreed." We started up the "Fly Away" sequence that the Anarchy sisters were famous for. Surprisingly, I found it wasn't tremendously hard to do. I then said, with Stocking of course…

"Oh, pitiful shadow lost in the darkness; oh, evil spirit born of those drifting between heaven and earth; may the thunderous power from the garments from these holy delicate maidens strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger; shattering your lonesome impurity and returning you from whence you came! Repent you motherfucker!" I swung Backlace around extremely fast, then fired a shot, blowing a huge, gaping hole in its head, then Stocking swung her sword around, rapidly cutting apart the shit ghost. It then exploded, and the shit scent flew around everywhere, but the shit covering me was gone. I blew the smoke away from the top of Backlace, then put it back where it was supposed to go as Stocking 'sheathed' Stripe I. She stared at me. "You know what, Panty?" she asked. "What?" I asked her back, slightly worried, but holding up Panty's evil stare. "I don't care if you're an impostor. You still kick a good amount of motherfucking ass. Now go and buy me a cake." I picked up the heaven coin, saying, "Coming right up. Least I can do for forcing you to help me, hoe." I decided to drive See-Through through town, finding Stocking's favorite place for sweets. We stopped there, and I helped myself to some chocolate cookies while Stocking got bags upon bags of food. I looked at her, wondering if she really did know I wasn't Panty, but didn't care. She was my new temporary sister, I was going to have her warm up to me, and get better with fighting before the Daemon Sisters showed up. Yes. I'll actually train myself.

And one final note… It did feel a little embarrassing fitting on that stripper pole and saying that line.

To be continued.

A/N: If you like, tell me. If not, I won't do anymore entries of this.