Author's Note

This piece is already complete and published over on AO3; I'm going to be editing it and maybe doing some minor revisions as I x-post it here so I'm not just putting it all up in one fell swoop. But if you want to finish the story and can handle my typoes and bad phrasing, I have a link to my AO3 on my profile so knock yourself out.


Chapter 1: In which we grieve

Joker was crying. He wept softly, the private tears of a grown man in pain. Still, Kaidan could hear him clearly from halfway up the bridge. The Normandy was dead quiet – the surviving crew had piled out the airlock to gaze in wonder at the empty sky. When Kaidan had ducked inside, Daniels and Donnelly were still arguing about where they'd landed.

"Peru? No, look at the foliage, this is Chile!"

"And when did you become an expert Earth botanist, may I ask?" Kaidan hadn't had the heart to laugh at Daniels' skeptical tone.

He paused at the cockpit door, which seemed to be jammed open by a bent bulkhead. Joker was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall and EDI's lifeless body in his lap. With the loss of power, her hair had reverted to the million fine strands she only ever seemed to wear on dates with him. Joker was running his fingers through it, tucking a lock behind her ear again and again. His tears dripped onto her silver polymer skin and glittered like gems under the emergency lights. He heard Kaidan approach – you could tell by the set of his shoulders – but he didn't look up.

"Joker..." He buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. Kaidan knelt beside him.

"I'm so sorry," he said. Joker rubbed a palm over his face, taking a shuddering breath.

"I loved her, you know?"

"Yeah. I know." Kaidan shut his eyes on Shepard's face, hearing her tell him goodbye for the thousandth time. The dressing on his burns pulled as he ran a weary hand through his hair.

"She was an AI, but I loved her so much." Joker's voice cracked. Kaidan put a hand on his shoulder, then took it away again.

"Do you think Shepard knew?"

"That the Crucible would..."

"Would kill EDI." Joker stroked a synthetic brow with gentle fingers. Even EDI's eyelashes had separated, Kaidan saw. She looked real, like a sleeping, silver woman, perfect in every detail.

"Nobody knew what the Crucible would do. Not really."

"What if she did?" Joker whispered.

"Then she would've also known that EDI was ready to die to defeat the Reapers," Kaidan said. Joker shut his eyes, tears leaking down his cheeks.

"Yeah."

"I think EDI was proud to give her life alongside the Commander. I know... I know I would have been." It was easier to say than he'd expected. Still, his voice shook.

"Yeah," said Joker. He sniffed, and wiped his nose with the back of his hand. "Sorry, Kaidan. I guess I'm not the only one who lost a – who lost somebody today." Kaidan rubbed burning eyes.

"Yeah," he said.

"She never stopped working, not even for a second, even when she saw the detonation." Joker looked down at EDI's peaceful face. "I think she guessed what would happen. We saw the blast and she turned to me and said, Jeff, I love you – " His voice broke. This time, Kaidan's hand on his shoulder seemed to comfort him. Joker gathered EDI against his chest, leaning his face into her hair. Kaidan waited patiently until his tears subsided, doing his best not to think. At last, Joker wiped his eyes, laying EDI down with a long sigh.

"Can the Normandy get off the ground?" Kaidan asked.

"Uh." It seemed to take Joker a moment to collect himself. "Sh – the ship's spaceworthy. Needs some minor repairs, but we could be flying again in a few hours."

"Good. There's something we need to do." Kaidan levered himself upright and reached out a hand to Joker. The pilot looked at Kaidan's hand, then helplessly down at EDI's body, lying inert across his crippled legs.

"Here." Kaidan knelt and gathered EDI in his arms, rising with a grunt. She was lighter than he'd expected. He would have thought that a mech capable of lifting him bodily off the ground one-handed would weigh a little more.

"I'll take her down to the AI Core," he said. Joker nodded.

"That seems... yeah. Thanks Kaidan."

"I'll send Adams up here to coordinate repairs, too. I need to talk to Dr. Chakwas anyway."

"Right. Hey, Kaidan – " He paused in the doorway, looking back. Joker was haggard, but steady.

"I'm sorry," Joker said. "About Shepard. We're all mourning her, the whole crew." Kaidan nodded, swallowing hard.

"I know," he said, and left.


"The memorial plaques? Sure, they're in the Commander's quarters." Dr. Chakwas looked tired, but satisfied.

"Really? Weird place for them."

"The ship's captain is the one who orders them put on the wall. Shepard and I put the first batch together ourselves after the battle on the Citadel." She smiled faintly. "Stayed up half the night doing it, and got blind drunk. She was a good woman to drink with." Kaidan laughed in spite of himself.

"Dangerous, though."

"Oh, did I learn that the hard way! God but the Commander could hold her liquor." They smiled for a moment, then sobered.

"Come with me," said Kaidan. "I don't want to go up there alone."

They had to go through half her drawers before they found the box of blank plaques.

"I never knew she read so much," Dr. Chakwas said, shaking her head over Shepard's collection of mystery novels.

"Yeah. Not so many Earthborn authors, but she read a lot of stuff by other colonists. She liked Turian romances, too."

"What are Turian romance novels like?" Dr. Chakwas was intrigued. Kaidan grinned.

"Violent. Explicit. She said the writing was clever, but didn't leave much to the imagination." Chakwas chuckled. "I think she got tired of thinking sometimes."

"PTSD is a horror show," the doctor said. "Shepard spent too much time locked inside her head. I wish I could have helped her but she wouldn't talk to me. Just getting her to take a sedative was a battle. Of course, you know all about that." Kaidan braced his fists on Shepard's desk, staring down at the box of placards with unfocused eyes.

"Yeah."

"You were the best thing that had happened to her in years, Kaidan. Maybe ever." Dr. Chakwas rested a hand on his shoulder. "She trusted you. She loved you very much, you know." Kaidan nodded, his eyes filling. He scrubbed a hand across his face, but the tears kept coming.

"Oh Kaidan, I am so sorry. Does it comfort you to know that you brought her peace? She'd had none in years, I think. She was so alone. Liara is wonderful, and being with an Asari is... intimate... but she isn't human. You are. You made such a difference to her."

"Damn it," he choked, burying his face in his hands. Chakwas rubbed his back sympathetically.

"She was never willing to be vulnerable to me. For all her bravado, I think she was terrified of doctors after what Cerberus did to her. But you'd been through it, you'd dealt with separation from your family, the trauma, you'd had PTSD and recovered. People always talked about Commander Shepard, you know, the hero of the galaxy, the one who brought us hope. Well, you brought her hope, Kaidan. Because you understood. You were her proof that she could heal, that love and happiness were possible for her. In the end, I think you were what she fought for."

"She left me, Karin! She did it again. God!" He slammed a fist down on the desk. "That asshole! She promised we'd face it all together and then she left me. I lived and she died. Again. But this time I had her, this time we were –" He couldn't go on.

"You were in love."

"I would have married her, you know? If she wanted to. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with her, even if it was just another ninety seconds, I wanted to be there."

"I know, Kaidan. And so did she. That's why she sent you away in the end. What good was hope if she had to watch it get blown to bits right in front of her?" Kaidan shook his head.

"She promised, Karin."

"I know. I know. She made that promise because she loved you, Kaidan, and she broke it for the same reason." Dr. Chakwas leaned on the desk, peering up into his face. "You're the ranking officer on this ship now, Major. The Normandy is yours. What are your orders?" Kaidan shut his eyes and took a deep breath, straightening his back.

"Repairs are currently under way. We should be spaceworthy again in a few hours. In the meantime, I think we've got a memorial service to plan." His voice shook, but his hands were steady as he gathered up the plaques and stencils.

"Yes sir," the doctor said.


Most of the crew was busy with repairs, but Shepard's team made time for the service. There was paint still wet on the mess hall table, and the airbrush and stencils lay in a heap behind them as people crowded around the Memorial Wall, surrounding Kaidan in a tight knot of friends and fellow mourners. They'd hooked up the intercom to broadcast throughout the ship at Adams' insistence. Kaidan had sat through a long pause after asking Joker to get it working, waiting for the pilot to collect himself after drawing a breath and turning to EDI's empty chair.

People dropped in and out as they were able. Daniels and Donnelly placed placards for a few friends lost in the crash, Joker limped up to put EDI's name on the wall with shaking hands, and on and on until only a few remained. At last there was just one plaque left, warm from spending so long clenched in Kaidan's hands. Garrus and Tali leaned on each other; James shoved his hands into his pockets and stared at the floor; Liara stood firm and steady at Kaidan's right hand, her face a mask of calm, Asari sorrow. Kaidan stepped forward without speaking, and hung the placard on the wall.

JANE SHEPARD

They all stood, gazing at it in silence. James twitched as Garrus drew breath to speak.

"Shepard was my commander, my friend, and the best damn soldier I've ever known. She did what she set out to do, and a hell of a lot more. She swore she'd bring down the Reapers no matter the cost, and then she worked her ass off to keep that cost as low as possible. How many lives has Shepard saved? All of ours and billions of others. She saved my people."

"And mine," Tali broke in. Garrus squeezed her hand.

"She saved us all," he said. "She saved the galaxy and destroyed the Reapers forever."

"Jane was the bravest person I have ever met," Liara said. "It was an honor to know her, and a privilege to work with her, and a joy to love her and be her friend. She's part of all of us, because she cared for all of us. The Commander may be dead, but she is not gone. As long as any being in this galaxy draws breath free from the Reaper menace, she will still be with us."

"Shepard, you sneaky bastard," said Tali, "you may have left us behind for awhile, but don't think you're off the hook. Dying twice is just the kind of shit you'd pull. I'll see you in the afterlife, and you'll owe me a damned drink." Everyone laughed, even Kaidan.

"She'll owe us all drinks," said Garrus. "She promised to meet me at the bar up there, after all. She'll have a round lined up and waiting by the time we get there. Two rounds, knowing her."

"And she'll already be roaring drunk, and we'll be hard put to catch up with her," said Dr. Chakwas. Chuckles subsided into a respectful silence. Kaidan realized everyone was waiting on him, giving him space to speak.

"Shepard," he began, and stopped, searching for the words he needed. "Shepard. You gave your life for all of us, for this entire galaxy. You gave for your friends, for your people, for... for me. I swear to you, we won't waste it. Every second is a gift from you, and that makes every second precious. I promise, Shepard – Jane – I'll treasure every one." He took a deep breath. "Goodbye, Shepard. Goodbye, Commander. And thank you."

"Yes," said Liara. "Thank you." A chorus of murmured thanks and farewells rose from the assembled crew. All over the ship, people paused for a moment, even Joker, although he did not speak, but closed his eyes for a second and then got back to work.

Kaidan was in the mess hall gathering up blank plaques and paint-stained stencils when Joker buzzed him on the comm.

"We're good to go, Major."

"Great. Get us up to the Citadel."

"Uh... what? Why?" Kaidan picked up the box and headed for the elevator.

"She deserves a proper burial this time," he said.

"Okay, Major." Joker signed off. "If there's anything left to bury," he said to EDI's chair, and engaged the thrusters.