I have three words that go through my mind on a daily basis; cancer fucking sucks.

I don't share those words out loud though, because we all know it, and we all think it enough anyways. Plus I try and show more strength than fear in front of my mother to stop her from worrying more than she already does. I don't like seeing her suffer the illness that is having a sick child. What a lot of people don't understand is the people around you suffer too. Sure, you are the sick one, going through all the bullshit, but it takes a toll on your loved ones too, and in my case I hate watching it.

There was a time when my mother was a healthy weight, and was happy, but I guess there was a time that I was happy and at a healthy weight too. That stopped two days after my fourteenth birthday when I was diagnosed with leukemia.

Now here I am eighteen years old sitting in my hospital bed, watching my mother pack my things because I am going home, and you'd think that's a good thing. I'm finally going home instead of spending months in the hospital getting treatments. Except the reason I'm going home is because there is nothing left for them to do for me. They said I have six months to live, a year if I'm lucky.

My mother is putting that fake happy face on and pretending like the doctor didn't just tell her the worst possible news. That the time is coming where she isn't going to be a mother and that she's going to be alone. My father left us years and years ago, and I'm her only child. What's going to be left for her when I'm gone? Sometimes that scares me more than dying.

I have always been positive and strong in front of her, but it's the nights when I'm left alone that I break down. I always wonder, why me, what did I do to deserve this. Why do I have to die so young? I mean, I didn't even get to really enjoy the rest of my young adulthood. I'm eighteen years old and never even kissed a boy let alone had sex with one. I never went to my senior prom, or graduated. I got my GED and that's about it. But I at least have my best friend Trish; she has lived a normal life and tells me about things that are going on. She comes to the hospital almost every day, bringing me magazines and snack foods.

She always tells me how pretty I am with my short hair that is in a pixie hairstyle. My hair is growing back now that my treatments have stopped. I remember the times I had my long brown hair that I used to always curl with a curling iron. Those days are long gone.

After we get home and get things settled, I follow my mother into the kitchen and sit at the counter island as she prepares dinner for us; one of my favorites macaroni and cheese. Though I'm not sure how hungry I am for it. I would never tell her that though.

"You know that Austin boy?" My mother asks as she cuts up a block of cheddar cheese.

I raise an eyebrow at her while twirling an apple on the smooth marble counter, "Austin Moon?" I question.

She nods, "Yeah that singer you're crazy about."

I roll my eyes, "I'm not crazy about him."

"Oh, that's why I hear you and Trish talking about how… what was it, drop dead sexy he is?"

I drop my jaw at her words and shake my head, "Please don't ever say that again."

She laughs and sets her knife down, "But really…"

"What?"

"How would you like to meet him?"

This time I laugh, "You know how I have always wanted to, but his meet and greets are way too expensive."

"I know, but what if you use your wish?"

I rip the stem off of the apple and throw it towards the garbage pail, hopelessly missing it, "My wish?"

"Yeah, you know, the make a wish foundation or something."

"You think I should wish to meet him, sounds desperate."

"Ally…" She says.

"Well I mean normal people wish to go to like Hawaii or skydiving."

"Not always. Plus, I know you'd love to."

"He isn't even going to be around here for months. He'd probably have a concert here by the time I'm…" I start but stop when her eyes goes wide at what I'm about to say. I shake my head, "Forget it alright?"She nods and goes back to what she was doing. I stare at the back of her small frame and sigh.

Later on, Trish joins us for dinner. I've always been thankful of Trish and how she loves to talk. There's never an awkward silence around and she brings out a real smile in my mother. I feel a little better knowing that she will still have Trish when I'm not here anymore.

"So I was thinking maybe we could all go shopping tomorrow?" Trish suggests. I shoot her a dirty look; she knows that I found shopping appalling.

"That would be fun." My mother says.

"Guys…" I say and they both look at me, "Did we forget how much I hate shopping?"

"Oh, that's right." My mother says, but she's acting weird about it.

"Well your mom and I could just go." Trish says.

"Oh?" I say.

My mother nods, "Sure, do you mind?"

I shake my head. I don't mind. Maybe this is Trish's way to get closer to my mom to prepare her for what's to come. I don't mind having a day to myself anyways.

"Are you sure you don't mind?" My mother asks.

I take a bite of macaroni and cheese, but I barely taste it, "Yes mom, I'm sure. Bring me back somehting nice." I say and they both laugh.