With the support and encouragement from friends and family I have decided to post my take on this phenomenon. I am writing this story with original characters and just converting it to Fifty Shades format. Not all the characters, mostly Christian, will not have all the aspects that he consisted of in the novels.
Big love to anyone who reads and or reviews this story. xoxo
All rights belong to E. L. James; story line is mines as are any additional characters therein.
Prologue – Ana
Pain. It was the only emotion I could feel. Wanted to feel. It fueled the hunger that surged inside of me. Pure bliss for others was chaste desolation for me. I see people for who they are. The only gift I was granted in this life. Most don't give themselves the credit they truly deserve. But me? I'm the home of imperfections, limitations, and weakness. There is no hope for me. No salvation. I look at myself and I see nothing that is worthy. I truly feel like I'm lost; that I'm in a maze with no end. I don't sleep at night. Somehow I prefer it that way, since I discovered nightmares no longer wait for sleep.
47. The number of times I've cut myself. Some are deep for an intensified burn and others shallow just enough to pierce my now non-porcelain creamy skin. When I hit my absolute low I cut myself on the insides of my thighs. Compared to my wrists it feels more powerful like a blazing fire. It is the last time. The continuous lie I tell myself. My last cut before I take a new sense of direction, but the words never seem to follow through. I am not a fucked up teen with a psychological disorder. I'm aware of the actions I am self inflecting and the dangers. But when the sharp metal grazes my skin I'm at a high; practically intangible to the outside world. Just me and the metal becoming one. United.
I don't expect anyone to understand my intentions of cutting. Honestly I don't quite know myself, but I just let it be. If I wasn't meant to abuse myself then I wouldn't be. When we are born our life is designed, planned, and premeditated. We may drift off that course, but we are brought back to continue that quest; to fulfill it.
Light is just a figment. The human mind is programmed to see good, be good, create good. It is all a lie. There is no hope. Optimism is a joke. Darkness ultimately outweighs light. With every birth there is death. For every yang, there's a yin. For every sunrise, there's a sunset. Generally people think the world is balance. So naïve if you ask me.
My mom died when I was fourteen. I don't blame her for my cutting. She didn't cause this; I had a choice. She would always tell me, "When something bad happens to you have three choices. You can either let it define you. Let it destroy you. Or let it strengthen you." My choice didn't define me it defined my actions. Till this day my actions make up who I am. There is no time to think about the "what ifs" or your regrets. We have to live to create our life, our memories, our dreams. What lies ahead is waiting for our arrival. All we have to do is jump and pray that we have someone to catch us.
At twenty-one years old, I'm existing, not truly living. Change is in order, I realize that but it's going to take some time. I need time. It is easy to create something but harder to fix it. I'm not saying I need fixing because I'm not broken. An adjustment is all I need and I will get there. One day.
