Disclaimer: I do not own Once Upon A Time. ABC does. Lucky them.
A/N: First off, this was partly inspired by my wonderful muse, DaesGatling! (By the way, everyone: OUAT Abridged series is a must-read!) This is meant to be a fun, light fic for Dark Snow and Rumpel. Oh, the chaos that will ensue…you'll have to read on and find out what I mean.
Enjoy, everyone!
Of Dreams and Regrets
Chapter One
Snow White willingly followed Regina across the grassy plains to the hill where it all began. There was a grave now, underneath the tree. It served as a reminder of the love Regina lost—a love that made her dark to the core. All the while, Snow mentally prepared for the confrontation that was coming.
It was kind of hard to do, what with the Queen's black lacy dress flapping around everywhere. It was really rude, but…That has to be the most outrageous leather outfit I've ever seen. How can she even walk with it sticking to her like that?
And how can a Queen be so blind as to ignore the truth in front of her? Truly it is her mother to blame for Daniel's death, not me! But she's caused me so much pain for her lost love—she doesn't want to see it any other way.
Regina was smirking down at Snow as she held the apple before her. But even her thoughts were distracted by the young princess. What the hell kind of furry ensemble is that? How many squirrels did she have to kill to make that thing? And she says I'm the heartless one.
"Your body will be your tomb," Regina was saying, the skin of the red apple shining in the sunlight. One bite and she would be lost in an eternal sleep, swimming in her regrets.
I regret not leaving tongue marks on that mirror…I regret breaking Happy's favorite mug and making him cry…I regret not having children. Oh gods, I want children! Lots and lots of children with little stuffed animals and who cuddle with you when they're scared of storms and throw their food into their father's face! I regret it all!
Making her decision, Snow White gingerly picked up the apple and gazed solemnly at this Queen who had saved her life once, and who now sought revenge on her.
"You've won," Snow declared, biting down into the apple. Almost instantly, her throat closed up and her eyes grew wide. The color drained from her face. Her knees buckled and her body collapsed onto the grassy hill, the apple rolling from her fingers.
And all the while the Queen laughed. All the while…
…as Snow White slipped into the strangest dream of her life.
"I need your help…to kill the Queen," Snow declared emotionlessly as she stood before Rumpelstiltskin, the notorious dealmaker. There had been a cold, detached manner about her ever since drinking that potion…and she found she rather liked it.
"Now we're talkin'," Rumpelstiltskin practically squealed with glee, gliding off to fulfill her dark request. Snow was unbothered by the severity of her actions—obviously the world would be much better with one less back-stabbing, stuck-up Queen.
Grumpy hopelessly gaped as Rumpel fixed together a bow, plucking the string like a harp. Snow smiled. Perfect for getting rid of the vermin. The Queen always did look a bit like an oversized crow to me.
"Just out of curiosity, what would I have to do in return?" Snow couldn't stop staring at the bow—it would solve all her problems. Revenge was so sweet.
Rumpel feigned innocence, drawing close to her face. Come closer and I might bite, she thought, running her tongue across her teeth.
"Do? You don't have to do anything," he assured her. Snow scoffed at him. Did he think she was some naïve little princess?
"Please. There's always a price with you. Last time it was my hair. What'll it be this time? My clothes?" Rumpel grimaced at her furry ensemble.
"Dearie, that outfit would stick out of my closet like a sore thumb. I prefer leather, not…squirrels," he sneered, motioning distastefully to the odd fur. Snow pouted her lip, crossing her arms over her chest.
"What do you have against squirrels?" Grumpy shot at the dealmaker. Clearly some little dwarf is offended.
"Exactly," Snow agreed. Grumpy sighed with relief. "They're delicious when you roast the meat just right. And—never forget the salt." Grumpy blanched, swearing under his breath. He ripped off his hat and rubbed his bald head.
"To answer your question, Snow…how about a proposal?" His tongue rolled seductively over the last word. Snow narrowed her eyes suspiciously.
"What kind of proposal?" She wandered away to examine a clutter of strange objects on Rumpel's table. Grumpy looked like he wanted the floor to swallow him.
"The "walk down the aisle-here comes the bride-sugary cake-dance until we're drunk-'til death do us part" kind. And if we're talking death…I have to warn you, darling. It's going to be a looooong time."
Grumpy pressed a hand to his chest as though having a heart attack. Oh, just keel over already! All you do is complain and mope about Stealthy, anyway, Snow grumbled inside her head.
"Is this proposal required?" Snow's tone was flat and cold as her heart was empty. Rumpel imagined he liked it better than the sweet, honorable Snow White. Those two lovebirds were much too sappy for their own good.
Wouldn't it be fun to conjure two little puppets and mock them? 'Oh, Snow, darling! I can't live without you!' 'Oh, Charming who is not so charming, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!'
"Required? Of course not, dearie. What kind of man would I be if I forced you into a binding marriage? That would just be…heartless." Rumpel touched a hand to his chest with an over-exaggerated offended expression.
"Sounds like something you would enjoy," Snow retorted, tracing a finger along the cap of a vial. "Well, better you than…what's-his-face. Charlie." Rumpel grinned, tenting his fingers together.
"Snow, are you serious?" Grumpy gritted his teeth, eyes boggling. Snow rolled her eyes heavenward. The glee vanished from Rumpel's face as he pointed an accusing finger. Bad dwarf, bad! Mind your elders.
"Aren't you just one to judge, elf! You're in love with the bloody Sugarplum Fairy! They're the worst." Grumpy spun towards Rumpel, raising his fists.
"You don't like fairies? Who doesn't like fairies?" Snow peered over her shoulder.
"I don't like fairies. They're oversized, sparkling mosquitoes." Snow abruptly smashed a book on the table as if squishing one. A malicious grin crept over her red lips. Rumpel looked like he had just fallen madly in love with the dark princess, ready to woo her. The dealmaker was nearly bouncing on air.
"That's my girl!" Grumpy stared between the two of them, exasperated. Rushing over to Snow, he grabbed her arms and forced her to look at him. Snow's lips curled angrily.
"Don't…touch…me…dwarf!" Instantly, her knee came up and connected with a most sensitive spot. Grumpy shrieked shrilly and dropped to his knees, clasping a hand over that now throbbing area. Tears streamed down his grizzly, bearded face.
"Too bad I don't have a cure for that," Rumpel muttered, spinning his wheel slowly. Grumpy pounded his fists on the floor in agony. Somehow, he managed to stand even though he swayed clumsily.
"L-listen, Snow….ow…you can't marry this guy! He's…he's a creepy imp!" The wheel immediately grinded to a halt and a sour look crossed Rumpel's face. Snow bit her lip in anticipation. Oh, you silly dwarf. You've done it now. If only I had a bowl of popcorn.
"Excuse me, dearie. Are you insulting me in my own home?" Rumpel brutally circled around Grumpy like a vulture. He paused just behind the dwarf, giving Snow a front-row view of his backside. "I have half a mind to change you into a puppet and use you as firewood!"
Snow arched an eyebrow, the situation at hand lost on her. She was far too busy…admiring. I bet that Charmin guy can't pull off leather pants. Hmm…I think I like guys in leather.
"Half a mind? Gee, I wonder what happened to the other half," Grumpy snarked boldly. Rumpel gave him a deathly glare. Swiftly, he snapped his fingers and Grumpy groaned, clutching his leg. "Whoa! Cramp! My leg! Holy gods, what is happening to my leg?"
Snow sent a curious, questioning look towards Rumpel, who had a satisfied smirk on his face.
"Oh, it's nothing but a wooden leg. I could fix it," Rumpel casually hinted, perching on his stool. He made a show of examining his blackened nails, as if he had all the time in the world to enjoy this show. Grumpy was doing circles, bent at the waist.
"That…would…be…great," he gasped.
"But I won't," Rumpel snapped. "Not until you apologize for that hideous quip." Grumpy leaned against the wheel, dragging his stiff leg. "And get your filthy hands off my wheel," he growled, threatening to snap his fingers again. Maybe this time he'll change into a real puppet.
"Alright, alright. I'm…sorry," he muttered stubbornly stepping away from the wheel like it was an active grenade. Snow snickered, shaking her head.
"I'd give that a ten…out of one million," she commented, throwing Grumpy under the bus. Rumpel snapped his fingers again.
"I agree," he remarked, just as Grumpy landed on his back, clutching both of his legs and wailing. Oh, look. The dwarf has fallen and he can't get up, Snow mused with delight. Rumpel's offer was sounding better by the second—she hadn't had this much fun in a long time.
"Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry for the quip and I'll never mention it again! Just…for God's sake, give me my legs back!" Grumpy rubbed at his legs, as if he could soften the wood any. Rumpel sighed and waved his hand aside, allowing Grumpy the comfort of his normal legs.
"W-what? Those creepy puppets out there…wouldn't work as firewood?" Grumpy shuddered at the mental image of those creepy puppets, staring at him. They were so life-like. A fondness glinted in Snow's eyes, but it lacked warmth.
"I thought they were charming. With a little magic, they could be two little butlers." She seemed much too giddy over that prospect. Grumpy shuddered again, raking a hand across his beard. Rumpel simply shrugged.
"They're for decoration. This place gets lonely," he said, emphasizing the last word for Snow's benefit. Grumpy scrunched his face in disgust.
"Snow, really? Are you actually considering his proposal? What about true love? Your Prince Charming's waiting for you!"
He made to shake her by the arms, but Snow shot him a warning look. He didn't need to be told what would happen if he touched her again. Ooh, he's going to be sore from the waist down tomorrow morning. Good luck explaining that to the other dwarfs.
"Please. True love doesn't mean anything to me. It's a grim, hopeless concept," she hissed, turning away. Rumpel lifted a finger, seconding that statement.
"Well said, dearie. Who needs 'twoo wuv' as long as you love me truly?" Grumpy paused with his mouth open, about to argue with Snow again. His brow furrowed with puzzlement.
"Isn't that from a song?" Rumpel tossed him a dark look of annoyance.
"Isn't your name chosen by a magical mood axe? How pathetic. If you were a girl, you'd probably be Bit—"
"His name was Dreamy before that. It's almost as bad as Charming," Snow intercepted mockingly.
She spat both names out like they were poison on her tongue. There was now a stark brightness in Rumpel's eyes as his attention flickered over to Grumpy once more. By the elated smile on his face, he was stifling a giggle.
"Dreamy? The fairies must have chosen that one. Trust me, Snow, what's love got to do with it? Honestly, what's love but a second hand emotion?" Grumpy gawked at the dealmaker.
"That's a song, too!" It's just as sad that you recognize that, Snow thought to herself. Rumpel waved his hand impatiently.
"I have no idea what you're babbling about, dwarf. What do you say, Snow? Kill the Queen, ditch Charming, and be the honored caretaker of my estate?" Snow shrugged carelessly, devoid of emotion. She would need time to think. If anything, she wasn't about to be double-crossed by some mischievous imp.
On the other hand, it could be quite thrilling. Two dark forces joining together…Snow couldn't help but smile suggestively at the dealmaker. His strange golden eyes traveled along the length of her body.
"Well, when you put it that way…" Grumpy slapped a hand against his forehead, probably cursing both of their names at that moment. Snow smirked at the dwarf. It was your idea to bring me here, remember? Don't blame me.
"Snow, if you take that bow, if you accept his proposal…you do it alone. And don't even think that I'm coming to the wedding, either," he grumbled, inches away from giving up. The Snow he knew was long gone and by the looks of it she wasn't popping up anytime soon.
"Oh, that's perfectly fine. You weren't invited anyway," Rumpel retorted, motioning his hands worthlessly towards Grumpy. He moved to pick up the bow and hand it to Snow. She grinned, her hand wrapping around the weapon.
"That was always my plan," she shrugged off Grumpy's words like water off a duck. He stared at her as if she truly were some stranger on the road. Rumpel only released one of his high-pitched giggles.
"Should I start sending out the invitations?" The dealmaker returned to his spinning wheel, all the while humming a marriage theme deliberately. Grumpy thrust his arms in the air and headed for the door.
"Forget it—I'm letting myself out! I don't even want to imagine what your children will look like!" For a third time, Grumpy shuddered, rubbing his hands over his arms for comfort. Snow gazed at him in disbelief.
"Our children would be perfect! And there'll be so many, you'll find them watching you just like those unsettling elves on the shelves!" Grumpy blanched at that thought. Rumpel half-turned on his stool to study the dwarf with speculation.
"And what do you suppose your children will look like, Grumps? A tiny, strong-built dwarf with sugary wings? Ladies and gentleman, we finally have our Tooth Fairy!"
Snow willingly laughed at that and Rumpel stared at her in wonder. He liked that sound—her laughter. He'd have to think of some of his better quips to share with her. Grumpy stormed off, but paused in the doorway.
"Snow? Stealthy would have been ashamed of you," he muttered, as if that were a sharp stake meant to pierce through her icy heart. Snow frowned for a second, but then shrugged.
"Well, if he had listened to me, he would be alive, wouldn't he?" Grumpy whirled around to gawk at her, his mouth falling open unattractively. Careful. You'll swallow a fly with your mouth hanging open like that, she thought about taunting him.
"Point proven, dearie," Rumpel spoke up from his wheel, earning a cold glare from Grumpy. It held no candle to the Queen's glares, so it barely bothered Rumpel. The dwarf, however, was so upset he was nearly rocking unsteadily.
"How dare you mock Stealthy! He was…he was…a good dwarf! The best, actually! There'll never be another like him!" He took off his hat as an ode of respect to the fallen dwarf. Rumpel yawned purposely.
"Tell me: is there a dwarf named 'Suicidal', too? 'Itchy?' 'Dopey'?" Grumpy started to protest. Then, a fierce red blazoned his face and he gazed almost sheepishly down at the floor.
"Yes," he admitted, much to Rumpel's amusement. Snow crossed her arms and savored the embarrassment written on the dwarf's face.
"That is so sad. I'll bet that dwarf gets pelted with rocks every morning," she said. Sounds like my kind of game. Grumpy gave a ragged sigh and only glanced over his shoulder once, as if he expected Snow to wake up and follow him back to where she belonged.
"Don't come back, Snow. Not like this." He stormed down the steps and a few moments later they heard the castle doors slam closed, signaling the dwarf's departure. It was only a few minutes later that Snow left the castle, setting out to kill the Queen.
Rumpel spun his straw into more gold than he could ever spend and almost regretted not making that proposal a requirement. She's not coming back.
Just a note: the two songs mentioned are "Wonderland" by Natalia Kills and "What's Love Got to Do With It" by Tina Turner respectively.
Well, I hope everyone enjoyed that—I plan to give it the same feel as my "Sunshine" story (also inspired by DaesGatling). Which means I plan on keeping my readers highly entertained!
Le gasp! The finale is next week! Dun, dun, dun!
