I DO NOT OWN ANY CHARACTER OWNED BY INSOMNIAC OR THE CREATORS OF "A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET" OR THE CREATORS OF "POTC!"
I DO NOT CLAIM TO OWN ANY CHARACTER OWNED BY ANYBODY ELSE!
THANK YOU!
Chapter One: The Boring Phoenix
Ratchet looked up at the ceiling from his bed. It was 9:00pm, and still Ratchet was pumped. The last thing he felt like doing was sleeping, so he stared at the ceiling indefinitely. Clank, on the other hand, needed to recharge badly, and he was now connected to a charge wire, on the floor, under Ratchet's bed. Clank is a robot, so he doesn't sleep, but instead, he recharges. It takes the same amount of time an organic life form would take to sleep (around 8-10hrs). After a few hours, Ratchet finally dozed off into a deep sleep.
Lately, Ratchet had been getting vivid, strange dreams. This particular night, he dreamed about some homosexual omoeboid coming on to him. Ratchet woke up horrified in the morning.
All Clank and Skidd heard him scream was, "Eek, get the heck away from me!" and then after he opened his eyes, "Oh, it was a dream, thank goodness." Skidd McMarx was already playing some Captain Qwark vid comics on the widescreen, located in Ratchet's quarters.
"Did you have a nightmare?" asked Clank.
"Yes, not about ghosts, goblins or all that crap that doesn't exist, but something much, much worse. I really don't wish to talk about it, thanks."
Skidd then jumped into the conversation asking, "You always seem to have weird dreams, Ratchet. What are they usually about?"
"Like I said, Skidd, I would like to change the subject, if you don't mind. Do I sleep talk? I'm honestly wondering, because how else would you know what dreams I usually have?"
"Whoa, whoa, dude chill out, bro. I was just asking a question. I wasn't presuming anything. It just seems as though… you know what, just never mind."
"Okay, whatever, look. Just stop talking. It would definitely do you a great service."
"Fine, relax, bro." The truth of the matter was that he usually always had a dream about Sasha (He thought it was strange to get the same dream every night). Ratchet had his eye on Sasha since the first day he saw her. The dream about some homosexual omoeboid coming on to him, strongly, was rather unexpected, however.
The first two things Ratchet does every morning is shower and brush his teeth. There was nothing different about today. Depending on how much of a rush he's in he'd sometimes go to the effort of washing his face, and spraying on some cologne. Some places had no scent policies, however, so he'd have to be careful. He chose to actually wash his face and throw on cologne today, because it was the day that he was supposed to take Sasha on a date. Of course, it's understandable that he'd want to look and smell better than normal. After he was finished in the bathroom, he changed into black jeans, with a cobalt blue T-shirt, which had some white writing on it. Ratchet then said goodbye to Clank and Skidd, as he headed for his ship to meet Sasha.
Sasha's room was located in the restricted area, next to the trophy room. There is a teleporter in there which would transport Ratchet to some kind of museum, once he's won all the trophies. That's not all that's behind that door, which is another reason that it is restricted. There is also a door in there, which is the door to Sasha's quarters. It's not visible because it is a sliding door, camouflaged to the other walls.
Sasha was still getting ready for the day. Being a woman, she naturally takes longer than Ratchet. She not only had to brush her teeth and wash her face, still, but she had to throw on some makeup, which was a 20 minute process for her. It was now 10:00am, and she was just finishing drying her hair.
Ratchet and Sasha's date was for 11:00am, at a five star restaurant called Rosa's Fancy Diner. They also had a one-room reservation at a five star hotel, called the Ritz Carlton. The reservation was for 9:00pm that night. Ratchet was getting impatient at his ship. He came back, and knocked on the door to Sasha's quarters (He had won all the trophies, and was allowed past the restricted door. Sasha always kept her door locked though), and started rushing her.
Sasha heard Ratchet from outside of her quarters saying, "It's 10:00 baby. Are you almost done in there? I was ready for an hour already."
"Yeah, I just need to throw on some makeup, cream, perfume and clothes," replied Sasha with irritation in her voice.
"Well hurry up, baby; we need to leave in 30 minutes!"
"Okay! That is plenty enough time, relax!"
"Whatever Sasha, just hurry up would you? This is what I hate about females, everything has to take forever. I was ready and packed in under 20 minutes, babe." Ratchet waited for 30 minutes before fully losing it with Sasha, and saying, "Sasha, do you even care if we're late? Maybe you don't care because you're not the one paying, but I'll tell you that these fancy places, that you like, do not take kindly to late comers. Reservations have to be pre-paid, and are non-refundable. If we're late enough, they will give our seats to somebody else, and I won't be able to get my money back. Do you care about that, or am I just your slave? We have to LEAVE now. Do you understand the word 'NOW'?"
"Can you relax, baby? I'm ready and on time, so you have nothing to complain about, impatient one. Do you not think that the way I look is worth the wait? I only do it for you after all, honey."
Ratchet loved the way Sasha looked. She had on a black dress with a pink ribbon around the waist. Her makeup was done, and she had more on than normal. Sasha usually only puts on eye-liner and clear lip-gloss, but today she had on everything. Her eye shadow was light blue (Because she has fur, she has to use a cosmetic dye, instead of dyed powder), and she had on a light hint of blush, dark red lipstick, mascara and a touch of eyeliner. Her hair was curled, and her fingernails painted a dark red. She wore black high-heeled shoes that were four inches high, with a pink flower directly in the middle, on each shoe. It was a black strapless dress, and it showed off all her feminine features. "Oh..." Ratchet finally said, "Now I see what took so long."
"Do you like the dress?" asked Sasha, flicking her hair.
"Yes! I had no idea you would look this good! Gee, you women really do like taking forever, but I must admit it is worth it." Ratchet is a little bit of a pervert sometimes, but because he had been dating Sasha for some time now, she allowed it. From the second Ratchet saw her dressed and ready to go on the date, he was looking a little lower than her eyes. Sasha knew this, but didn't say anything. They then both headed off for their date.
Qwark was still sleeping. Pretty much all he ever did on the Phoenix these days was sleep, eat, watch the holovision in high definition, play vid comics in high definition, eat again, watch more holovision programs, take a nap, eat...again, and then go back to sleep for the night. That was his life, and it was making him really fat. He was eating the most disgusting, fattening and greasy foods available.
Helga and Qwark were now enemies because of this. Helga is a fitness nut, although, you could never tell by looking at her figure, ironically. She couldn't stand the way Qwark was living, so she constantly tried whipping Qwark into shape using tough boot camp techniques. Qwark was having none of it, so Helga finally gave up. Helga was as bored as crap herself. Her life consisted of the events listed, in the order given:
5:00am – 6:00am – Breakfast time
6:00am – 12:00pm – Do jumping jacks without stopping
12:00pm – 1:00pm – Lunch time
1:00pm – 6:00pm – Lift weights without stopping
6:00pm – 7:00pm – Dinner time
7:00pm – 8:00pm – Do some chores around the Phoenix
8:00pm – 5:00am – Recharge time
There it is. Qwark and Helga are opposites, but their lives are equally boring.
Qwark walked into Ratchet's room to play vid comics, but Skidd was there instead. Skidd was still trying to win that Captain Qwark vid comic he was having trouble with all morning. Qwark sat next to him, and said, "Why must you humiliate me so? Please get me out of that tutu, and play the vid comic with me dressed normally!"
"Sorry, no can do bro," laughed Skidd, "This is just too hilarious. I'm so surprised my bro Ratchet didn't notice it this morning, hahaha!"
"Give me that stupid thing!" yelled an angry and embarrassed Qwark. He ended the game, and turned off the console.
"Hey! Why'd you do that for!? That's not fair, I was only teasing!"
"I told you, it humiliates the crap out of me!" Clank and Qwark's pet monkey heard the entire racket going on, and came to investigate.
Clank said, "Qwark and Skidd, would you please stop fighting over a silly game? If you don't mind, I and this monkey are trying to enjoy some peace while we still can. Who knows when the next brush with evil might be?"
"Oh, like when? In the next one hundred years? It's been, what, two years since anything has popped up? All of a sudden you're worried that some evil dude is going to get us. Trust me; we have the rest of eternity to be as bored as crap, so don't worry," said Skidd.
"Well, you know, he does have a point," said Qwark. "I don't want to have to work out, play 'hero,' and work to steal all of Ratchet's credit again. I want to enjoy the lazy days as much as possible."
Oh come on! You know nothing's going to happen!"
"It will too!"
"Will not!"
"Will too!"
"Will not!"
"Will too!"
"Will not!" they both argued, as they slowly walked out of the room. This left Clank and the monkey in peace.
"Eeeeaaacck," went the monkey.
"Yes, I know. They are quite silly aren't they?" replied Clank.
Ratchet and Sasha were now at the restaurant. Ratchet was usually a little bit of a slob when it came to eating, and he'd rarely remember common courtesies, like opening doors for Sasha, or pulling out chairs. He was not trying to be rude, but he just didn't think about the common chivalry of a gentleman. Tonight, however, he was entirely like a gentleman. He pulled out Sasha's chair, and opened all doors for her. Sasha was impressed. "You are really acting...unusual tonight sweetheart, but in a good way. Why, and can you keep it up? I could get used to this you know."
"You should get used to it. In future, my darling, you will be treated like this quite often. Oh, I booked you a surprise for later today, babe," said Ratchet.
"Really, what is it?" asked Sasha, excitement evident in her tone.
"I'm not telling until after the meal."
"Why?"
"Hence the word 'surprise,' babe."
"*sigh*...fine." The waiter soon took their orders, and they were eating in practically no time. Neither Ratchet nor Sasha ever experienced such fast service.
On the Phoenix, Helga was lifting weights; Qwark and Skidd were still arguing, and the ranger bots were trying to keep occupied, by playing games of chess and checkers with each other. Everyone was as bored and stir crazy as crap...except for Al. When Al gets bored he turns to extremely difficult math equations. This guy can solve equations that not even some mathematicians could ever think to figure out. This is how Al keeps occupied, but nobody else sees how what he does is any fun at all. Al thinks that is probably why they're bored.
Al is a gadget repair man. He is a valuable asset to have on the Phoenix, as his job is pretty much to fix things that break down. He's used as the maintenance guy for all problems other than plumbing. There's a plumber that Ratchet knows personally that is responsible for pipes.
The President (Sasha's father) was on vacation on planet Pokitaru, on a beach resort. The President was never really that fond of Ratchet. It was hard for her father to trust a man with is daughter, even if he was an honourable hero. Ratchet had deep feelings for Sasha way before they even started dating. He wanted to commit to her; this wasn't just about pleasure or flings. Sasha's father wanted to believe that, but it was hard for him; he just viewed him as a man, looking for some fun, who didn't really care about his daughter. That's how he thought of any man dating his Sasha. He didn't know that Ratchet and Sasha were going to a hotel that night. If he found out, he would go ballistic. Sasha's father was a little bit of a control freak. Sasha was an adult. She was 23 years of age, and she resented being controlled. That is why Ratchet and Sasha were never going to tell, and why Ratchet booked the date for them when the President was on vacation.
The President was enjoying his vacation on the tropical beach. He over indulged in a lot of things, including junk food and alcoholic beverages. He always kept his wits about him, though. He was aware that a lot of people went to popular tourist resorts with crime on their minds. One time, he even came in contact with a crook. Someone tried mugging him, but he fought him off, and the brute is now in prison. The President could contact the Phoenix in situations like that; he brought a device with him that allowed for that.
The President liked to chat up women when he went on vacation. He'd been divorced and single for ten years, and really wanted to meet someone new, and settle down again. Nobody knew what happened to Sasha's mother, but it was now being rumoured that she went crazy, causing her marriage to fall apart. She was apparently addicted to drugs, and turned violent because of it. Sasha did actually admit to a few people that she did not have a good relationship with her mother. She said she didn't want anything to do with her, really. Sasha basically felt abandoned by her. She never usually brought it up though; it would always make her sad.
The President spied a woman he thought was pretty, and started chatting her up saying, "Hi there, it's finally sunny out, isn't that great? I'm so glad the thunder storms are finally over."
"Yeah so am I."
"I'm Roger, what's your name?"
"My name is Samantha."
"It's nice to meet you, Samantha."
"Well, it's nice to meet you too."
"Samantha is a pretty name."
"Thanks."
There was awkward silence for a full minute then finally, "I think you're pretty," said Roger.
"Well...thanks," said Samantha, shyly.
"So...how long are you staying here?" asked Roger.
"Oh, I'm staying for about a week; how about you?"
"I'm staying for about a month, actually."
"A month, wow you must've saved up for a while," said a surprised Samantha.
"Well you know, being the Galactic President, and all, I get a lot of perks. This is one of the shortest vacations I've taken, actually."
"You're the Galactic President!? How come I don't recognize you?" asked Samantha with a hint of skepticism in her voice.
"You don't recognize me? How do I look different? Am I more good looking? No, I'm just kidding, but how do you not recognize me?"
"You don't look that different, I was only kidding. I had a feeling about who you were when we first started talking. You're good looking alright. I find your political abilities quite impressive also."
"Oh...well thank you."
"I'm sorry I have to say goodbye now. I'm meeting a friend at the Cafe soon."
"That's okay. Can we meet here tomorrow?"
"Sure, what time?"
"Is 10:00am okay?"
"Yes, that would be perfect actually."
"Wonderful, we'll meet right here."
"Okay, bye."
"Goodbye," said the President, as he went to the bar and ordered a beer.
Ratchet and Sasha left the restaurant, stuffed, after eating. "So what is this surprise, Ratchet?" asked Sasha right after they exited the restaurant.
"Let's go back to the Phoenix, and grab our luggage," said Ratchet, completely ignoring Sasha's question.
"Yeah and do what with it? We can't check in yet. Check in time isn't until 6:00pm. It's now 1:00pm, and our reservation isn't until 9:00pm, even," said Sasha frankly.
"You have a point. Well I guess I should tell you what I booked us then; how do you feel about watching arena combat?"
"Um...okay...I guess. Why, is that what you booked, tickets to an arena match?"
"Yes."
"Oh."
"Don't you like my surprise, baby girl?"
"I like anything you go to an effort to do for me, hotshot."
"I was only kidding anyway, Sash. I booked us a couple's massage."
"You booked a couple's massage? That's very sweet of you, and thoughtful. I'm sure I'll enjoy that a lot. I'll admit that's a lot better than arena combat, to me, anyway. Thank you, I appreciate it."
"Don't mention it, Sasha. I'm not even done. I booked you a manicure, pedicure and spa facial. While you're having your spa sessions, I figured I'd go to the combat arena. I bought one ticket to the matches for myself."
"I honestly don't know what to say, Ratchet."
"Thank you is all I expect in return, babe."
"Well thank you so much."
"You're so very welcome. I love you."
"I love you too."
"After your spa sessions we'll go back to the Phoenix to get our stuff and head for the hotel, sound good?"
"Terrific."
"Great, so I'll take you to the spa, and then after our massage I'll leave you to your sessions while I head for the match-ups. If your sessions end before the match-ups, just wait for me. I'll pick you up, so sit tight okay?"
"Okay." Ratchet and Sasha both had a lot of fun. It was getting to be the best date Sasha ever had with Ratchet.
Qwark and Skidd had finally stopped arguing. Instead Qwark asked, "What were we arguing about again?"
"...Frankly, I have no clue," said Skidd.
"Do you want to watch holovision?" asked Qwark.
"Umm...sure," said Skidd.
"Let's see if there's anything good on," said Qwark.
Clank was talking to Al. "How do you do those math equations? I could use something to keep me occupied."
"It's simple! All you do is use the factor function of CAS to factor the trinomial. It helps if you record your answers. I just think up new and exciting trinomials, like 9x squared plus 90x plus 801."
"Oh, that doesn't sound too complicated."
Qwark's monkey was asleep on Ratchet's bed, which meant that Qwark felt obligated to make sure the holovision was barely audible. "Can you turn that up Qwark? I can barely hear the damn thing!"
"Shhh, my monkey is trying to sleep!"
"Oh, fuck this! I'm going to desperately try to find something else to do!"
"Fine, just don't wake up my monkey."
"Fuck your monkey."
"Fuck you, go to Hell."
"You go to Hell!"
"No, you go to Hell!"
"No, you go to Hell!" and the arguing started again and woke up Skrunch (the monkey).
Ratchet and Sasha were heading back to the Phoenix, after a nice relaxing day, to grab their luggage for the hotel. "That spa was amazing! I honestly can't thank you enough, hotshot. How was the arena match?"
"It was entertaining as usual. I'm glad you enjoyed your spa day. I'm happy you're enjoying yourself. My efforts to organize this day were worth it only if you have fun."
"Oh, I've never had a better time in my life."
"I'm so glad. Hey, baby, I was wondering, do you want to spend more than one night at the hotel? Why don't we spend a week? I have the money. There's nothing interesting going on here anyways. This whole Phoenix is just the ship of boredom these days."
"Um, sure, but we'll have to pack more."
"I know, and we still have plenty of time, sugar. It's only 6:30pm, and it won't take us that long. I've already packed enough bathroom items, I only need more clothes."
"Okay, well give me about fifteen minutes to get re-organized."
"Okay, after we're done let's cuddle for a bit."
"Well...okay, but no other funny business until tonight at the hotel."
"Fair enough baby," said Ratchet. He and Sasha both started packing, and when they were done, Ratchet immediately cuddled up with Sasha. "Hey baby," said Ratchet, "I'm sorry I snapped at you this morning."
"That's okay, my Ratchet. You went to a great effort organizing this. It took a lot of care and thought. I hope you feel appreciated because you certainly are, greatly, appreciated by me. I love you."
At that moment Ratchet started to kiss her gently. As Sasha reciprocated his movements he gradually started to increase his passion, as Sasha increased hers. Eventually they were kissing so passionately that they ended up just making-out for a full hour and a half. When they were finally done they headed for the hotel.
