This year is old like a dying father, whose will is out of spite .We pile into separate agendas with the songs of defeat playing in our minds. For you I give and give away my unhappiness in color. For your abandoned heart to see them, to bloom into your world.
Binded to your perfect lands to live like somber cattle, and we're gathered as seeds to sprout mid Sahara. For who, for what? For you I give and give away my unhappiness in color. For your abandoned heart to see them, to bloom into your world.
-Sonny Moore; Equinox
Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you are convinced that you are useless. You haven't had friends since you were eleven, your dad hates you, and you've never felt so alone. You feel like you're sinking slowly.
You're a completely different person from who you used to be. You used to have friends, but they all left you. The four of you had stuck together through thick and thin, you were inseparable. The suddenly, once you and your little group of friends started middle school, they drifted away, leaving you in the dust. That's when you started feeling worthless. The thought of "they just moved on" changed to "maybe I'll find new friends," then "nobody likes me," "I'm not worth it," and finally "I'm not worth anything." You haven't had anything close to a friend in nearly six years. You're lonely, and you only have your thoughts. You're that loner emo kid, the one who has no friends. A nobody.
You and your dad used to be so close; he used to be there for you. When you were little, he treated you perfectly. You would go to the shore with him to look for the little crabs that would crawl around on the beach. He would take you for ice cream on Sundays, and buy you new toys whenever you wanted them. The last one you remember getting is a stuffed red crab he bought you when he took you the aquarium for your tenth birthday. You named him Littlecrab. Crabdad, Karcrab, and Littlecrab. Just the three of you. Seven years later, Littlecrab is faded, one of his eyes is missing, there's a poorly sewn tear from when you ran him over with your scooter when you were twelve, and his left claw is limp from where you hug him at night. He's one of your most prized possessions. He's the last reminder of happier times.
When you were eleven, your dad lost his job. That's when things really went downhill. He drank more. He yelled more. Soon there were no new gifts, no more trips to find crabs, no more Sunday ice cream. Nothing. He started yelling at you every day, for little things. Not taking your shoes off at the door, forgetting to take out the trash, getting a bad grade, everything. He started hitting you and pushing you. He even blames you for losing his job. You're too spoiled, he says, you're a brat. Everything is your fault.
And you agree. You don't have anyone to blame but yourself. You're worthless, disposable, unwanted. Not even your dad wants you. You're sinking in a tide, and no one is there to save you. You're seventeen and this has gone on too long.
Your name is Karkat Vantas and all you want is an escape to end this all.
Your alarm goes off at seven, giving you about twenty minutes to throw on some clothes, grab a granola bar and walk the two blocks to school. You crawl out of bed, pick up some torn skinny jeans off the floor, and pull on a black tee shirt and a hoodie with the Cancer symbol on it. You grab your backpack and walk to the kitchen where you grab a granola bar from the cupboard, slip on your old tattered Converse, and head out the door.
Once you reach your school, you head to your first period class: Honors English. You have a lot of free time, so you spend it doing a lot of schoolwork. You walk into the classroom and sit at your usual spot in the back corner. You've taken out your iPod and are about to play a game when the teacher, Ms. Paint, walks up to you.
"Karkat, you're needed in the main office." She says.
You groan. Fucking Christ. You really hope you didn't get a detention. You skip classes two to three times a week, and doing so has resulted in several visits to the detention room after school. Each time you get a new bruise somewhere from your dad. You put your iPod back in your pocket and throw your bag over your shoulder.
You walk out of the room, maneuvering through the throngs of kids walking through the halls. When you make your way up to the office, you can see that one secretary who wears too much makeup talking to some tall, skinny kid you've never seen before.
"Hello, Karkat!" the secretary says as you walk in.
"Hi." You mumble.
"Karkat, this is Sollux Captor, he just moved here from New Hampshire." You give him a small smile, and he nods at you. He has chestnut brown hair, and two different colored eyes behind a pair of black-framed glasses. "And it just so happens that he's in six out of your seven classes, so I've arranged for you to be his buddy. You've been exempted from first period to show him around the school, alright?" You just look at her. From the corner of your eye, you can tell the new kid is staring at you. "Well have fun!" She walks back to her desk.
The Sollux kid holds the door open for you, and you walk down the hall together. You walk in silence until you find your spot under the stairs and sit down.
"Aren't you gonna thow me around?" Oh dear God, he has a lisp.
"I figured that since we have the same classes together, I'd show you around then." You say, getting a Monster out of your backpack. "I was gonna skip this period today, anyway."
"Oh, um, okay." He says, sitting next to you. The two of you sit quietly for a few minutes until he asks, "Your name ith Karkat, right?"
"Yeah." You take a swig of Monster.
"Cool." He says. "Tho, uh, what do you like to do?" You stop for a second. You haven't been asked questions like this in a long time, and you're not sure how to answer.
"Uh, I don't know." You push your black hair out of your eyes. "I like movies and stuff, and I draw a little. I mostly just do homework."
He nods. "What kind of movieth do you like?"
"None of your fucking business." You growl.
He laughs, "What, ith it porn? Cuz if it ith, that'th cool, what kind do you like?"
"It's not fucking porn!" you exclaim, "They're romcoms, okay, I like fucking chick flicks!"
He starts laughing louder. "You watch like, 50 Firtht Dateth and Bridethmaidth?"
"Hey, those are good movies!" You say.
This leads to you two talking back and forth, making small talk. You learn that he likes coding, that his dad works for some IT company, which somehow caused him to move to this dinky little where-the-fuck-are-we fishing town in Maine. Eventually the bell rings, and he has his computer science class and you have art. You point him in the right direction, and you realize you feel different. You feel like there's a light inside of you. You haven't felt this in a long time. Since you had friends.
The feeling comes back again in third period AP History, where Sollux sits next to you, and you notice him writing a bunch of numbers in his notebook instead of notes. He notices you notice, and you look away and continue writing notes on Henry VIII.
Fourth period, you have lunch, and you buy a bottle of juice and Sollux buys a slice of pizza.
"Where do you thit?" he asks, following you across the cafeteria.
"The catwalk." You say.
"What?" he chuckles.
"I sit on the catwalk in the auditorium, so, uh, do you wanna… come with me?"
"Thure…" He wraps his pizza in a napkin and tosses out the Styrofoam tray.
You lead him inside the auditorium, through a door, up a staircase, to a tiny, concrete room filled with boxes and stage lights, and up a narrow, metal staircase to the catwalk.
"Don't step on the cords or hit your head on the lights." You warn, slipping your legs through the spaces between the metal poles so your feet dangle over the edge. Sollux sits next to you and does the same.
"How did you find thith?" he asks, unwrapping his pizza.
"I joined A/V club for a day freshman year. They showed us this, and I've sat up here during lunch ever since." You take a sip of your juice.
"This is tho cool," He says, "We're up tho high. Why don't thit in the cafeteria?"
"I don't have anyone to sit with." You say quietly. He nods. You sit together quietly again.
"Thith hath been a really cool firtht day tho far, tho, uh, thankth." Sollux says.
"Yup." You say.
When you get home from school, you lie on your bed and think about the day. Sollux seems okay, you kinda like him. You want to be his friend, but you don't want to seem clingy or pushy. You've been alone for so long, and Sollux is now the closest thing you've had to a friend.
"Karkat!" No. Not this, not now. "KARKAT!" Shit.
"I'm coming!" You hop off your bed and head to the living room.
"Get me a beer." Your dad says. You see at least five empty bottles on the coffee table.
"Do you really need another one?" You say.
"Don't give me that attitude!" Your dad jumps off the couch and shoves you against the wall. "I asked you to do something, so you'll do it!" He pushes you harder against the wall, squeezing your shoulder. "You piece of shit!"
"Okay, okay! I'll get you your fucking beer!" You're shaking. His eyes are bloodshot and empty, and his breath reeks of alcohol. He's drunk and that scares you.
"Don't you swear to me!" All of a sudden, your cheek burns and you can see little stars in front of your eyes. He hit you. Hard.
"I'm sorry!" He lets you go, and you get him his beer and you go in the bathroom. You pull your shirt over your shoulder and see that it's already starting to bruise. Looking in the mirror, you see that your cheek is bright red and bruising slightly. You roll up your sleeve and count the various other bruises on your arms. Why does this have to happen to you? What did you do to deserve this?
You really need that escape.
A/N: there's chapter one, i hope you liked it! the next chapter will be up either sometime tomorrow, monday, or within the next few days. for this fic, the most you'll ever have to wait for a chapter is at the most a week bc school. also frEAKING SNK I CAN'T STOP WATCHING IT.
but anyways, thanks for reading, and see you next chapter!
-smc
