Author's Note: Welcome to this new thing! With how Yet Another Weiss Christmas Story is going, I figured a little humor outlet would benefit everyone! Even if you didn't come into this fic knowing about that one beforehand, this should still be worth a laugh or two!
This is going to be a bunch of short stories, among other stuff! This will be rather episodic, with little to no continuity planned. Maybe. It's that kind of fic.
This first chapter is dedicated to... Well, if you read the revolving summary for this opening chapter, than it should be obvious~.
Also, off to an embarrassing start as I uploaded an incomplete chapter instead...! Congrats to those who have seen it. Don't spoil, plz...
Please enjoy!
Disclaimer: RWBY is the property of Monty Oum and Rooster Teeth. I do not claim ownership of anything pertaining to RWBY or any related properties. Any other references to non-related things are also not owned by me. This is a nonprofit fan work.
Rated T for: Language, suggestive themes, and quite the circus!
Content Advisories: Contains mainly White Rose and other to-be-determined shippings. Sometimes they are absent, and maybe different, I won't tell every time. Pandering alert set to maximum. Will adhere to canon... sometimes. Maybe not at all!
Original Post Date: 10/09/14
Picture Credit: Official RWBY DVD/Blu-Ray cover stills drawn by Einlee.
"AAaaaah~. What a nice catnap that was~!"
"Yang, I'm sitting right here. Please don't make puns about my being feline..."
Blake and Yang were lounging around in Team RWBY's dorm room one day, and in the blonde's case, sleeping for about twenty-something minutes. She never really got the message that Blake did not enjoy cat-related puns, incidental or otherwise.
"Anyway, what are you up to, Blake?"
"Reading. Just like I was twenty-two minutes ago." Blake just turned a page in her untitled book. Probably something discretely lewd or something. "Before you say anything, it's not erotica. Spare me for once, Yang."
Her boisterous partner wilted, only to perk back up.
"Fine. I shall indeed spare you, Blake~. Wouldn't want to give you claws for assaulting me...!"
Blake slowly panned her vision from the book over to Yang, not amused whatsoever.
"On the count of three...!"
Yang pursed her mouth into pouting. "But Blake, there's no need to get so catty with me~! No need to be feisty!"
"Two."
"Wait, you're counting down now?!"
"One."
The now frightened brawler was scrambling over to the door as fast as she could, but just before she could run down the halls in terror, the door opened for her...
THWACK!
Yang stumbled back into the direction the door swung open, having met with it head-on. Through the door stormed in a very irate white-haired girl, whose mood was nowhere near as hospitable as the girl she inadvertently decked.
"No, Ruby! I simply refuse to believe someone is even capable of such a demeaning feat!"
"But, Weiss...! I'm not kidding, it's really there! You've gotta believe me!"
Ruby walked in after her partner did, pleading with Weiss to listen to her about... something. Blake wrote it off as some sort of childish wonder that the leader still miraculously held on to, while Yang was too disoriented from the door slamming into her to pay much notice of her sister's plight.
"Ugh, what does it matter anyway?" Weiss turned abruptly to face the other girl, who jumped up in surprise when she did. "Even if someone managed to write something like that about... us, then as Huntresses in training, we should do our best to ignore it!"
"No!"
Ruby pulled the older girl by the wrist to the communal computer in the room. Laying there by the big-screen TV, they were both signs of Weiss' formerly impulsive drive to separate herself from the chaff, though all it really proved in the end was to be amusing for the sisterly half of RWBY, and providing the remaining quarter that wasn't her a window into... lascivious endeavors.
"I'm not the one talking crazy here, Weiss! We need to see what it's about! Aren't you the least bit curious about it?"
The younger girl pulled out her big guns: her Crescent Rose unfurled into a scythe. Then, she hugged it like a teddy bear while giving Weiss a pair of soft, pleading, puppy-dog eyes. This made the heiress-apparent flinch.
"Gh...! Stop that! I won't be taken in again!"
She tried to avert her gaze, but Ruby stood firm, boring an adorable hole into her icy defenses.
"NO! Don't...do...it...! GAH!"
Weiss turned away, turning on the computer in short order.
"Fine! D-Do what you must, just... DON'T SUBJECT ME TO THIS TORTURE!"
Ruby giggled, stowing her sniper-scythe away and sitting next to Weiss by the computer.
By this time, Yang nursed her head as she sat by her partner, who didn't look all that thrilled that she did so.
"Wh-What did I miss...?"
"Just your sister doing what she does best. Don't say 'Weiss', that joke has been done to death."
Blake's preemptive retort flattened Yang's expression.
"You could also say 'being adorable', and it would fit! Kudos though, on figuring me out!"
"Not particularly difficult..."
"Geez, Blake, your tongue is sharp as your claws~!"
A book promptly found its way embedded into Yang's face.
"Is there something you wanted, Yang?" Blake examined her twiddling fingers, impatient with her partner.
"Jsst shme lfve rnd..."
Blake swatted off the book from her face.
"Whew! It was stuffy like a library in there...! Anyway, just wanted some love and affection is all...!"
Blake replaced the book over Yang's face.
"Awwwww..."
Back over to the computer, Ruby had just pulled up the homepage where this "salacious" story was hosted...
"Fanfiction dot dust...? I can already tell this is going off to a rollicking good start..." Rolling her eyes at the page, she silently bid Ruby to show her where the story was. "This is that pathetic site, where people write out these sick fantasies about fictional people, isn't it...?!"
"Weiss..., d-don't say that!" Ruby shouted as she threw her arms and into Weiss' field of vision. "I'm sure they are n-nothing of the sort... The authors just want to write fantastic and wonderful stories about the things they like~! There's nothing wrong with that!"
Weiss looked at Ruby dismissively, before looking back at the screen...
"I wonder who this 'RosyRed1515' is, there on the corner of the page...?"
Ruby craned over to see, before she panicked in her seat, struggling to take the mouse away from Weiss, failing miserably as the snowy girl created a glyph as a blockade from a violation of her personal space.
"NOOO! You weren't supposed to see that! Weiss~!"
A few futile struggles and waterfalls of tears later, and Ruby laid slumped over and onto the floor, defeated. A few clicks later, and Weiss was also viewing her profile page...
"Let's see... 'Name: Ruby, just like my pen-name'? Ugh, just broadcast yourself to the world, why don't you...? 'Hobbies: Eating cookies, being a badass Huntress, and writing stories about my favorite parings for the Achieve Men'...? I don't even think I can stand to look at the rest of this without fear of vomiting...!"
The young brunette then forcefully turned Weiss around by the shoulders to meet her blue eyes with her own silver ones, a strange and determined fire burning beneath them...
"No! You don't understand the heart and the passion about writing fanfiction, Weiss! It isn't just about writing stories, or pairing people who have no chance of getting together... It's about celebrating the literary and visual worlds of our favorite franchises, to create something new and exciting for the characters we love...! The characters we hate...! The characters that the writers elaborated upon for about one episode, before unceremoniously tossing them aside in favor of the dumb, brooding main character...! I—"
"Your palms are sweating, Ruby. Remove them at once."
"Eeep! Sorry!"
Ruby removed her hands from Weiss' shoulders, indeed sweating like crazy.
"All right, let us see this story that has you so worked up, before you write another thing on the spot about 'Mavin's' undying love as they themselves become the undead..."
"Ooooh! That's a good idea! We should totally get together and—"
"No."
One girl wilted while the other stood still.
"Aww..."
Ruby eventually got her wits together and traversed the pages of Fanfiction dot dust, namely her Favorite Fics list.
"I don't even want to know what you have bookmarked here, Ruby..."
"D-Don't be put off by the names...! That one over there is actually a really touching love story about two people from different futures, finding love and—"
"Focus."
"Sorry."
Soon enough, Ruby made it to the story in question, the title of which immediately putting up red flags in the Schnee heiress's head.
"W-Weiss Reacts...?! Just what is this supposed to be, anyway?!" The girl grew increasingly more irate with every word she read of the summary... "Parody? Crack?! OOC...? Just what is this jargon supposed to mean?!"
Weiss almost looked like she wanted to put something through the computer's screen, namely her Myrtenaster, but since that was by her bed, her fist looked to be next in line.
"C-Calm down!" Ruby held her back by throwing herself onto Weiss' back, succeeding in saving their computer thanks to the other girl's lack of raw strength. "N-No need to get physical! I-I'll explain it all to you, so you won't get so mad again...! Please, Weiss!"
Blake and Yang just looked up from the bed they now shared, both face-deep into a good book.
"Huh. Look at that, Blake. Seems they're struggling a bit over there. Should we intervene?"
"Stay thyself, partner, and continue to indulge yourself in this classical mystery-slash-thriller...!"
"How wonderful that sounds~!"
...
"I think we're better off ignoring them for now..."
"I agree, my sister is weird when she's acting all stuffy-serious like that..."
Turning back to the computer to clear their minds of the sobering scene behind them, Ruby and Weiss turned their focus as well towards the story before them, with the scythe-wielder taking the helm.
Weiss voiced her opinion with a shaky voice. "I will admit, I am sc-scared to find out who this "Elf" character has written about us..."
Ruby nodded silently, as Weiss continued...
"I don't even want to acknowledge the fact that there is an entire section(!) devoted directly to us...!"
"N-Not exactly, Weiss... Seems that they also include all the other friends we know, along with some of the bad guys that we—"
"I thought I told you I wasn't going to acknowledge it, Ruby...!"
The younger girl gulped loudly, electing to click on the link and see just what the story had in store for them... before Weiss placed a clammy hand on Ruby's mouse hand.
"H-How did you even find this...? You went six months without even noticing that we had our own section..."
"Sh-Shut up...! Th-This was the first story that I found in our section, and there were a LOT! I wanted someone to be with me so I wouldn't go crazy reading them...!" The red-clad girl then grew red in the face, saying, "Besides, I am a budding teenager, and I have needs...!"
"Just...! Just proceed, Ruby..."
Both of the young Huntresses steeled themselves as Ruby crossed the threshold that should never be crossed by a rationally-thinking fictional character...
The boundary between reality and metafiction...
Ruby and Weiss weren't sure what to think of the daunting venture that was plastered and displayed on their computer's screen, a piece of fiction that turned out to be MUCH more than they expected...
"A-Are those stats real...?!" Weiss' complexion became a paler tone than normal, breathing slowly as she braced herself to read the numbers... "I-It's almost close to 100 chapters long...! Just who is this 'ElfCollaborator', fancying themselves as a... ninja who collaborates with elves...?!"
"That's just an avatar pic, Weiss... The r-real question we should be asking is..." Ruby hesitated, shying away from Weiss' pallid face as she went on... "Wh-Why are our names bracketed in the same space...?!"
Ruby squeaked out in embarrassment, baffling the heiress before her.
"Ruby, I have no idea what that means. P-Please explain...?"
"P-P-Pairing...!"
If Ruby couldn't shrink anymore, she would prove everyone wrong at that point. Weiss still didn't have the answer dawn on her quick enough for Ruby's liking, however...
"I don't understand... 'Pairing'..."
The younger girl then pointed to the white-haired girl, then back to herself.
"Us. Together... Mmmmmm...!"
Ruby hummed frantically as she kissed the back of her own hand as a means to demonstrate what she was talking about.
It was at that moment that Weiss finally got the picture, the features of her flawless face contorting into a look of absolute incredulity.
"Wh-Wh-Wh-WHAT?!"
She grabbed Ruby by the collar of her cape, shaking her back and forth like it was going out of style.
"I ALREADY HATE THIS! Ruby, make it go away, I command it!"
The other girl simply slumped back, winded.
"Grrr, fine! I'll just submerge into this madness by myself then!"
As soon as she was about to assume control of the mouse, Ruby woke up, saying a meek "Sorry" as she and Weiss began reading from the beginning...
...
"I can't believe... that so many people like this... this... I don't even know how to describe it, how does this person know us, and yet not know us at the same time?"
"Don't worry, Weiss, I don't think 'Elf' would know us personally..." Ruby suddenly had an inkling of hope...! "M-Maybe our reputations are starting to get us recognized! Th-This might not be a bad thing!"
"You say that, yet I see that around 400 people are subscribed to this story... That many people want to see us... together?"
The heiress cringed, though it wasn't like she was disgusted by her partner. Ruby mirrored her soon after, as she pondered, "Um, are you cringing because it's two girls being shipped, or because it's us?"
"Definitely the latter. I have no qualms about same-sex relationships."
"M-Me too! Uhh..."
For some reason, Ruby blurted that out a little too soon, which made Weiss look at her for a good second in questioning before she looked back to the story. The brunette was glowing red in the face.
"Desire...? Desire...?! Of all the— Absurd! Absolutely absurd!"
"To be fair, it seems like here you are one of those... difficult types I see a lot in some shows. What was it pronounced like...? 'Sun-deer'?"
"That sounds like something from one of your overseas animes you go on about."
"'Sunny D...', 'Tsundere...' That's it! Tsundere!"
"I don't even want to know..."
Ruby pointed a finger her way, almost looking scholarly as she explained with a weird accent, "'Tsun' is being all prickly towards someone or something of interest, while 'Dere' is being all sweet to such subjects...! Just put them together, and basically you have a character that almost everything nowadays has." Dropping the accent for the latter part, it sounded as if Ruby was confident in her explanation. Weiss on the other hand...
"Brain-damaged."
Ruby almost fell out of the chair when she heard that.
"Quit being difficult! Moving on!"
Growing exasperated, she continued reading...
...
"Why would Yang have anything to do with this? She hates literary assignments and just doesn't like reading... until now."
Surprised by Ruby's cutting remark about her own sister, she turned back to see what the blonde was up to, only to recoil with fright...!
"I-It was soooo sad, Blake...! I can't even... Waaaaaa~~h!"
Yang was crying into the shoulder of her Faunus partner and friend, who looked a little uncomfortable with the added attention.
"Y-Yang, p-please stop... I'm not sure what to do in this situation...!"
"Comfort me, Blake! Show me what it means to have a sssoul...!"
With that, Yang grabbed Blake and pulled them both together, hugging it out like she needed it.
"It was so very sad..."
"That wasn't even a well-handled plot point! She died for literally no reason, it was so stupid!"
"You're stupid! Ah-hah..."
Blake threw up her arms in frustration as Yang continued to sob her troubles away. Weiss felt a pang of sympathy for the saddened member of RWBY..., then wanted to erase the memory straight from her brain.
"L-Let's just say that our Yang wouldn't do the kind of stuff that this other one does...! That includes..." Weiss paused, growling a bit to vent. "That includes her being in the boat known as 'us'..."
Ruby blushed a bit at the mention. "R-Right! Never gonna happen! Never ever!"
They continued reading, completely glossing over Ruby's fit of bashfulness.
...
"Looks like Blake didn't do it either. I'm starting to really get into this story about us...!"
Ruby's head was wrenched hard, courtesy of the heiress who sat by her side. They now faced each other, and Ruby found it a bad idea to speak.
"Are you saying you enjoy reading what this person is putting down about us?! Well, I don't know what to say about that, so I just won't say anything towards you ever again. Sounds fair, don't you think?" Weiss then returned Ruby's posture to normal, huffing as she turned away from the now flummoxed girl, presumably forever like she said.
The other girl shook her head in rejection. "No! That isn't fair at all! I'm just saying this stuff is funny! Look, it was Ren all along! HAHAHAHA, laugh with me, Weiss!"
Trying to incite laughter into a cold girl giving the cold shoulder soon proved fruitless, and Ruby started to get sick of it...!
"You know what? Fine! Don't speak to me again, Weiss! I'll have fun reading this weird story, and you'll just be sitting in your cold, frosty tower, waiting for your prince to save you with a sheet full of fresh cookies! You are such a sourpuss!"
Now it was the heiress's turn to wrench her head, now in irritation with the girl who dared call her out.
"Sourpuss?!" She turned fully to Ruby, who looked a little scared, but stood her ground. "You think it's SO easy to just read this and have fun...! SOO easy to think nothing of it, to call me that name!"
Weiss then pulled Ruby from her seat, both standing up face to face...! The fury that Weiss held for her young partner was insurmountable!
"Well, Miss Rose! I only have a few words for you too...!"
Teeth clenched close, Weiss closed the distance and glared angrily...!
"Cold. Bitch."
Ruby shuddered, looking away from the frightening girl...
"Tell me I'm a cold bitch...!"
"Y-You're a c-cold bi—"
"WITH MEANING!"
"You're a cold bitch!"
The younger girl visibly recoiled from uttering that horrible, horrible—
"Now tell me I'm worthless~!"
"Wh-Wh-What...?"
Weiss... did not look angry... In fact, you couldn't place the smile she then had as... anything related to feeling pissed. She looked like she was enjoying it...!
"Are you going to call me anything else~? No one ever had the guts to call me out on my behavior like you~!"
Swooning, Weiss inched closer, almost skipping with glee as her blue eyes sparkled with excitement and her face tinted pink.
"You insulted me! Even my father never insulted me! Ruby~."
...
"AHHHH! SAVE ME! ANYBODY!"
Ruby disappeared in a flash of rose petals, as Weiss initiated pursuit to the other side of the room and somehow finding the fleeing Huntress through her speed. Unfortunately for her, there was no savior in sight.
"There you are~! Aren't you incited to call me anything nasty now?"
The two ran roughshod through the dorm room, vaulting over and through the bunk beds, running on the walls, and even using their weapons at one point.
"Come on~! Don't you want to say to my face how abhorrent I am?!"
Ruby slid into a corner, where a peculiar bed and dish were laid out for a dog, as Weiss closed in with euphoria still evident in her every move.
"Please, Ruby~! Tell me off more! Tell me how horrible I am~!"
Lifting a strange tube into the air, Ruby yelled out "Get her, Zwei!" as she lobbed it at the crazed heiress. Through the open mouth of the tube, a dog too big to fit inside it to begin with came rushing out, latching onto Weiss' shoulder and stunning her...
"Arf!"
Stunning her not through a threatening bark or bite, but cuteness.
"Oooh! Who's a cute widdle guy? Is it you~? Is it you? Good boy, Zwei!"
Zwei barked happily with the affection the now-pacified girl was giving him, allowing Ruby to flee into the hallways and away from her insult-hungry partner.
As the team's official mascot licked Weiss' face, Blake had her own predicament to handle... Namely, two such handfuls. In the middle of their hug-out, Yang tuckered herself out, and was sawing logs directly on top of the book-loving young lady. One doesn't have to guess too many times to figure out that Yang had buried Blake in her boobs.
'Yang... I'm going to pass out! Lemme out of here! I'll scream! Oh right, I can't, because your BREASTS ARE IN THE WAY!'
Her thoughts the only thing to occupy her for the time being, Blake took full notice when her subtle breathing drew out a response...
"Mmmm... Blake, not there~... zzzzzz..."
...
'GET ME OUT OF HERE!'
Soon enough, Blake would succumb to sleeping as well, and with Ruby halfway to the city by now, and Weiss preoccupied with giving Zwei some cuddles, the computer just remained wasting energy displaying Weiss Reacts for the world to see...
Author's Note: And that's that! Here's to the start of something new!
For those wondering about "Yet Another Weiss Christmas Story", that's still on! I've been biding my time for something special, and hopefully not delayed enough into next Christmas. What will it be? If you remember what I tried doing for the Chapters leading up to 20, you may already know the answer~!
Many thanks to ElfCollaborator for the usage of his fic here! Go read Weiss Reacts if you're up for an absolute rush of crossovers, antics and hijinks, & most importantly, Reactions!
This fic will update sporadically, and future plans are still up in the air. This fic isn't going to be completely about Weiss Reacts, nor will the chapters be like this one all the time about riffing something. I've got some ideas, and I'm not shy about hearing others!
Many thanks, and see you next time!
