This is another story I worked on while my internet was down. Review please.
Dead and Breathing
chapter 1
Waking up, I remembered that I was in hell. How could one go on for days, when you loose those you love. It was frustrating to me, that I was still here, still breathing, with a beating heart, waiting for the day where my end would come. Was I a bad Christian for wanting death early? Was I asking for a death wish? Would I jinx myself and loose my life in some horrible way?
Did I care?
.
.
No not really.
To me, nothing was worth it anymore. I could have all the money in the world and I couldn't careless on what to do with it. I was only here, breathing and living until it was my time to part the world. I wasn't stupid enough to go and fucken kill myself either. They would never forgive me for that. I knew that I had to keep myself living with effort. That included going on with my miserable life, eating healthy, and pretending like I'm not dieing on the inside.
I threw my blankets off my body and swung my legs off the bed. The tile floor was freezing, and my fuzzy slippers were somewhere in my disorganized closet. Jen told you to clean that mess up in the closet, a small part of my mind though. Remembering and hearing my mind say her name, sent thousands of little prickle feelings to my heart. My hand automatically went to my chest, trying not to let the prickling feeling kill me.
So maybe I was over-exaggerating.
But so would you if you lost your whole life in on day.
Sighing, I got off my bed, letting the cold tile under my feet wake me up alive. I grabbed a towel from the rack by my bathroom door. I stepped into the shower and slowly stripped to nothing. My hand reached inside the shower and turned the water on to more hot then warm. I stepped inside, feeling the hot water burning my skin. But, it felt good. It almost made me forget for just one second that my day today would suck, just like the rest of my life. I looked to my left, finding my strawberry shampoo. I reached for it, and caught a glimpse of the reminder of what had happened just 2 weeks ago.
Just above my wrist was a hand print of a big hand. I gulped and touched it, getting a small flashback of the night my parents and sister died. The prickling feeling returned, but this time it was nearing more of a stabbing by this point.
Run Bella Run.
I love you Bella, I love you twin.
Don't hurt her.
Leave her alone.
Those were the last words I heard from all of them. And they were tattooed to my heart and mind. I stood there, letting the water hit my skin. Shaking my head lightly, I pushed those thoughts away until later tonight, where I was in the safety of my bed and allowed to cry myself to sleep. Not looking back at the mark on my wrist, I poured a handful of my strawberry shampoo. I took my time, washing and leathering my hair. I washed my body with the matching strawberry scented body wash.
You always have to smell like a dam fruit.
It came out of nowhere. A memory from Jen. She always made fun of my scent. She loved that I'd picked strawberry's, it was our favorite fruit, but she found it strange and yet amusing that I smelt like it too.
"Don't think about her. Don't think about them." I whispered to myself. I finished my shower and wrapped the towel securely around my body. I stepped out the shower, stepping on the tile floor.
"Fuck." I'd forgotten that the floor was cold. The feeling sent my whole body to suddenly feel cold. My wet hair was uncomfortably cold now. Small drops of water falling down my skin was making me shiver. Finally giving up, I opened my closet door and began to rummage through the mess. I caught sight of something green and fuzzy near the boxes and boxes of shoes. I reached for it and found one slipper. With a triumphant smile, I searched for the other. It didn't take me long to locate it. I slipped them on and though of where to look for something to wear today. I knew there was shopping bags at the corner of my room, waiting to be set away. But I hadn't gotten to it. If I were to put that away, it would give me a reminder of what had happened that night. But everything that was in my closet was scattered everywhere. The few things that were hanged up was just old things that didn't fit anymore. I'd meant to put those in a box and take them down to the salvation army, but I just never got to it. Everything else was just mixed with my dirty clothes.
"Suck it up Swan, you have to get going" I tried to encourage myself, tried being the key word. With one deep breath, I walked over to the brand name shopping bangs. I kneeled down and reached for the Victoria secret first. My hand was shaky, remembering why I had bought this. Jen had made me. I felt a tear slip. My hand reached and whipped it away harshly. I was suddenly mad at myself for letting me get so emotional over just…looking for something to wear!
"fucken pussy." I hissed at myself. I took another deep breath and reached inside of it. I pulled out a bra quickly and then I knew I just had to do it. I dumped it on the floor and reached for the matching underwear. I didn't look back. I just turned my back on the bags and let my towel fall. I slipped into my bra and underwear quickly. I took another deep breath and reached for another bag. I got a quick glimpse of the name, pacsun. I dumped it and reached for any jeans. I didn't care what, just any. I kept doing this until I was fully clothed. But I didn't once hesitate to think on what to wear. I just wanted to get this over with. I grabbed some random shoes from my closet. I set them on the bathroom counter. I didn't let my mind wander. I just grabbed my toothbrush and got done with what I needed to do. After I was done making sure I was ready, I left down the stairs with my bag. It was empty. My heart felt heavy, the prickling feeling was back, with the stabbing feeling too. I knew I couldn't be here anymore. My body was trying to tell me I needed food, but I couldn't…eat here. I knew where to go. I grabbed the keys to my car and stormed out my house. My car was there waiting for me. Like it had been for the past 2 weeks that I've
been locked up in my room.
Driving to Emmett's house was faster then I expected it to be. I parked behind his car and felt grateful he was here. I walked inside his house, not bothering to knock. I never had to before, I didn't think I still did.
"Emmett." my voice sounded strained and almost to husky for it to be my voice. I knew it was because of all the crying and mourning. Emmett came out of the kitchen with a fork in his mouth. I gave him a half hearted smile. He quickly made his way to me, wrapping his arms around me. Emmett was my best friend. He was the only one that could make me feel like I wasn't going to die alone. Okay…what I'm trying to say is that he made me feel like…maybe in do time…I could somehow live through the lose.
"Bella. Honey your going back?" he asked, looking down into my eyes. I tried to push away the tears that wanted to slip and buried the sobs that wanted to escape.
"I just…I haven't been taking care of myself Em. I haven't ate in almost a week….all I do is cry…I…couldn't be in there anymore.""Did you eat this morning?" he asked. His eyes were narrowed at me, angry at me for not taking better care of myself.
"No. it was so empty…so alone…I just…I couldn't." I whispered. One single tear fell from my eye. Emmett sighed and kissed my forehead.
"Come on. I made breakfast." he said. His arm stayed on my shoulder as he walked us back to the kitchen. I found Jasper sitting on the kitchen counter. Remembering him made me realize that I wasn't so alone after all. Maybe…I'd make it through. Jasper was my other best friend. Before any of this, it had always been Jasper Emmett Jen and I. We were together every moment we could.
Jasper stood and tore me from Emmet's arms. I chuckled lightly at the small action and felt the prickling feeling in my heart reduce to just a small throbbing.
"Hey Darlin'. how do you feel?" he asked.
"Weak. Tired. Pissed. I could go on really. But their all negative feelings." he gave me a sad smile and nodded. If anyone knew how I felt, it would be this two. They cared about my family almost just as much as I did. Of course they didn't feel like their lives had ended, but they felt the heaviness in my heart.
"Jasper….Bells hasn't ate in a week." Emmett ratted me out, douche! Jasper looked down at me, the bridge between his eyes wrinkled up in dislike and anger. He was -in some ways- the big brother from our group. He bitched at each one of us when we did something careless, irresponsible, or just plane stupid. Emmett was the one that came up with this stupid ideas. I was the one that went along with it, just to prove Emmett that I was better then he was. And Jen had been in the back always laughing or recording our shenanigans.
"Isabella Marie Swan. Am I going to have to go over to your house every day and make sure you fucken swallow down food?" Jasper snapped at me. I frowned and looked at my feet. Jasper's tensed posture in front of me relaxed and wrapped his arms tighter around me."Sorry darlin. I'm just worried about you that' all. You have to take care of yourself.""I know Jazz. But…it's hard."
"We know. And we'll help." Emmett said behind us, putting a comforting hand on my shoulder. We all took a deep breath and turned back to the table. Jasper guided me towards the chair next to him. I sat down and saw Emmett placing food on a plate and setting it in front of me. Looking down, my stomach growled with anticipation for food. But my throat protested. I cut off a piece from the waffles in front of me and placed it in my mouth. I chewed, feeling my mouth dry. I tried to swallow it, but felt that knot still there. It was trying to push the food back up. Jasper and Emmett saw me struggling. He reached for his OJ and handed it too me. I took a drink and felt it go down with difficulty. I groaned and laid my head against the wall.
"This is harder then I though." I whispered."Just try okay." Emmett said. I took a deep breath and nodded.
