The Ten Times I Almost Told Her, or A Trip in the Pensive
Dumbledore's blue eyes pierce through mine as I walk into his- my- office. The portrait fills me with guilt, with regret, with truth.
"I'm sorry," I murmur, under my breath. All the things we discussed, Harry, dark magic, Voldemort, Lily… Lily. I turn to the Pensive, with memories swirling around in it like gossamer threads. Beautiful… like ghosts… a ghost of Lily… Would she be waiting for me when I die, or would she be with James, forgetting all of her worries? All those things I said- or didn't say… calling her that- that word in fifth year, and all of those times I almost confessed… I glance at the memories. As much as it will hurt, I can almost not bear not being able to see her.
I.
My face sinks in slowly and suddenly I am transported into a Hogwarts train car. I can see us, our younger selves talking. I reach out to touch her face, but my hand falls through, touching nothingness.
"Severus?"
"Hmm?"
"Isn't this exciting? Fourth year already!"
"Great," I mutter. "Four more years with that arrogant prick."
"I agree," she sighs. She glances at me, the sunlight making a halo around her beautiful hair, a red-headed angel. Her green eyes look into mine, and I swallow, suddenly nervous.
"Sev? What's wrong? You look odd."
"Oh… uh… No it's… I- Lily, I- I lo-" The words are choked in my throat, struggling to get out.
Bang. The door flies open, and I slide down, covering my eyes, and blushing cheeks. I was about to tell her. Lily, I love you.
"Oi! Is Snivellus too shameful to show his face? Is he embarrassed that he, a Slytherin, has less pure blood than I do?" I uncover my face to see him- that jerk-smirking. Anger swelling up in me, I stand up.
"Shut up, Potter!" I narrow my eyes. Thinking of Lily, I say, "I don't care about that kind of stuff!"
"Sure you don't," he drawls.
"James, get out!" she says, her hands on her hips.
"Oh, you know you want me to stay…"
"I don't! Now! Go!"
"You'll realize it in time Lilz…" and with that, he leaves, leaving my almost-said words to silently echo in my head. I try not to look her in the eye.
Lily puts on a strained smile. "Well, he's gone now." I nod awkwardly, and we a thick silence hovers over us for the rest of the train ride, full of words I could say but can't.
