Not your business
Proloque: The Problem...
Summary:
Barney is in need of a new secretary. So he's looking for one; and he's finding it in a rather, for the lack of better words, interesting woman. AU
A/N: You heard right, new story right here. Office! AU, obviously. Lots and lots of Swarkles, and also Marshall x Lily in here. Multi-chaptered, of course, and I'd say it'll be at least ten chapters. Smut? Perhaps, if people wish for it, but not for a long time, so don't follow just for smut.
I don't think this'll end good, Barney thought.
The idea of his trustworthy and loyal secretary quitting her job just wasn't what he'd call a good idea. Mainly, this was worst case. Just why did she have to go now? Honestly, he wasn't fond of many people in his life, but he definitely, honestly had liked Patrice. Not in that romantic way, but more in an 'I can trust you with my life!' way. He doubted he'd find that again any time soon. Good secretaries were hard to find. They either looked insulting to the eye, or they were dumb. Really, really dumb.
While Barney didn't particularly had something against dumb, pretty girls, he couldn't use a secretary like that. He needed a person who was reliable, punctual, strong-headed. Someone who'd eventually be of help. Actually, he didn't even care about the looks of the woman too much. As long as she'd do a good job, she'd be fine in his books. Because, you see, Patrice wasn't such a looker either, but she'd always remain in his heart as the most awesome secretary he'd had so far. And Barney's been working for the GNB for a while now.
Before Patrice, he used to hire the good-looking women under thirty. He took Patrice because he needed someone to cover two weeks before he could arrange job interviews for less, to say it in Barney's words, clothed girls. After half a year of having the satisfactory Patrice as secretary, Barney even tried to make a move on her – you know, despite her looks – but she kindly resented him; it's probably better that way, Barney's aware of that. She was his best – his only – friend. And god knows friendship and sex doesn't mix well. One's usually suffering because of the other. It's like a life rule. (And it totally belonged in the Bro Code. Barney made a mental note to add it soon.)
So, you can imagine the doom upon hearing that Patrice was pregnant. While he was happy for Patrice and her husband, he had to honestly admit that he saw his own little world crashing down on him. Hell – he didn't even know his PIN, he'd be doomed, doomed, doomed without Patrice at his side. How was anyone supposed to – able to – take her place?
That's the question Barney was actually asking himself continuously upon interviewing the women applying for the job. (Yes, he had made this a requirement for his future secretary, why do you ask?) They weren't really, you know, it. They wouldn't made him say 'This is what I'm looking for!'. Because that's what was another requirement of his: It had to make 'click'.
But there simply wouldn't be that 'click'. Interviewee one was plainly annoying. Usually, Barney was able to tune the annoying ramblings of a pretty girl out, but since he knew that, for once, who ever he chose would be around for a while, he wanted a girl that he could listen to without getting deaf of dumbness.
The second one was less annoying than the first one. Actually, she seemed to be very silent. And he even considered asking her to work for a week or so in order to see whether she was actually a good candidate – that was before she opened her mouth and all he heard was blah blah blah. Again it wasn't much that she said, but what she said made him wonder what people were told at schools nowadays. Definitely not being smart. And that was a subject a secretary should be good in.
Then there was the third one. As old as his granny would be, and while he highly enjoyed the cookies she bake him, he had to tell her that he wouldn't be able to give her the job – since he needed someone who would eventually stay his secretary for the next few years.
And the fourth – and last one – was most frustrating. She was beautiful, smart, knew when to shut up, would be a great secretary. That's what he thought, before she suddenly tried to 'seduce' him. She'd be no good, so he shooed her out of the room. He couldn't really use an affair at work – all he needed was a good professional secretary. (That didn't refrain him from giving the bimbo his mobile number. Just because he wouldn't take her, didn't mean he wouldn't, you know, take her.)
All of this, he told Patrice via mobile.
"And that's why you can't leave! There's an annoying one, a frustrating one, an old – and I mean damn old – one and a beauty who I'll definitely take – mobile five, Patrice! – but who I simply can't give the job to..." All of this was said seriously and somewhat desperately, except for the 'mobile five' part, which he said in his usual 'what up' voice.
"Barney, I understand you, but I'm really pregnant. Like, seven months pregnant. I can't come back to work." She made a pause in which she thought of something that she thought was brilliant. "Barney, calm yourself, 'kay? I think I've got someone for you."
"I kind of doubt that this someone would be able to put up with you, though." He replied, feeling uneasy – it wasn't like him to be such a whiny bitch about something, and he felt quite unmanly due to this. And a Barney Stinson does never feel 'unmanly'. "But since I've got no choice, shoot me."
"Oh Barney..." Patrice sighed. She understood that this wasn't easy for him. A person like Barney didn't have many friends, she knew that. "Well, I've got the most perfectly perfect person for the job: reliable, punctual, stands her ground, won't try to sleep with you, is definitely not going to annoy you...
It sounded quite like it would go on for a while. Patrice seemed to be really fond of whoever she was talking about. "Yeah, I get it. What's the name?"
"The name's Robin Scherbatsky." Came the cheery reply. "I'm going to arrange a meeting for tomorrow's lunch. You can talk in that darling restaurant just one street away from the GNB."
He knew which one Patrice meant, and he simply agreed. (Not that he had much of a choice, since she ended the call with just that sentence and she didn't give him any time to say 'wait a tick!')
He didn't really think he'd end up interviewing a male to be his secretary, but if Patrice liked this guy – Ronald, Ryan, Robin? – so much, he'd give it a try.
Again, he didn't have much of a choice did he?
