Don't Give up on Me Yet
She tugged impatiently on the sleeve of her over-sized jumper, Dan was meant to have met her twenty minutes ago.
She stared impatiently around her, eyes alert- scanning the station for any sign of a recognisable face, but to her displeasure she saw none.
She sank down, resting on the edge of her over-sized maroon suitcase. Her eyes fluttered, it had been a long week and she was ready to drift off at any point.
"Jenny," Dan's voice carried clearly over the bustling, busy noise of the commuters.
Jenny's face broke into a smile – finally, she felt such a relief to be home. Her face fell however when she saw the blank look on Dan's face.
Jenny sighed she hadn't expected everything to have changed in her absence but she had been wishing for a slightly warmer reception from her brother, "Well it's not like I deserve one"
She quickly stood, tugging on the stubborn handle of her suitcase before walking over to meet her brother.
The journey back to Lily's apartment was silent. Dan had asked a few polite questions, but barely listened to the answers; he seemed to be studiously looking anything that did not resemble Jenny.
Jenny had spent a fair amount of time at her Mums by herself, but never had she felt so alone.
This displeasure radiating from someone she cared so much about hurt her to the core.
Jenny stepped cautiously towards the living room of Lily's apartment, reaching out for the door her hand shook violently, "It's just because I'm excited, not nervous, excited"
Pushing open the door she took a self conscious step into the room, sat on a curved white sofa was her father and Lily.
Rufus stood quickly, walking over to his daughter and wrapping his arms around her, Jenny felt warmth overwhelm her and she stood blissfully peaceful. She smiled up at her Dad but saw confusion on his face.
Lily was more reserved, she did not rise to greet Jenny, merely nodding in her direction. Jenny felt her eyes prick, is what she should expect to live with from now on, closed off expressions and stilted conversations.
"We were going to go out in a minute, have a dinner to celebrate your return" Rufus's voice was as she remembered warm and joyful, however he too seemed unable to return her stare. "Let's think a 'celebratory' return meal where everyone hated her gut? Maybe not and anyway . . ."
"I think I'd rather just go to bed if it's all the same, I return to school on Monday and I'll need tomorrow to get sorted." Rufus tried to hide the relief that flooded his face but Jenny saw a glimpse and felt her chest contract.
"Alright then I'll have something sent up." Jenny blanched before quickly speaking.
"No that's OK, I got lunch at the station and I'm not really that hungry now, I'll just, um, go" She turned quickly, rushing up the stairs before turning into her old room, flinging herself down on the soft, expensive, covers. Her body began to shake as loneliness and self hate consumed her and she finally allowed herself to cry.
Sunday passed quickly, she saw glimpses of her past – Serena popped in at midday to discuss some trivial argument Chuck and Blair with Dan and Dorota popped in carrying a stack of clothes from Mrs Waldorf.
However her presence was ignored, if not downright unwelcome so Jenny kept to her room. She went to bed early dreading the following day.
It was still dark when her eyes opened, reflecting her mood.
There was an acid feeling in her stomach, eating her from the inside out.
Her eyes fell on the uniform, folded precisely on the end of her bed, and the acid began to boil.
She couldn't so this, she couldn't face them all, not the bitching and looks – oh those looks that managed to carry damning judgment, hate and resentment.
She was their queen and how she had fallen!
But staying here wasn't an option, the silence that fell when she entered a room was loud – the formal, polite conversations, put strain on her sanity.
Grudgingly Jenny pulled herself out of bed, stumbling, whilst rubbing the dust out of her eyes, she moved to the vanity.
She caught her reflection in the mirror, her eyes critically swept across her face, finding every small imperfection, all the blemishes. Her face fell, her fingers rose tentatively and till they were resting near her cheeks, fingertips resting on her cheekbones.
Distaste filled her face, she turned quickly. In a hurried determination she changed into her uniform, pulling on a pair of grey tights and an over-sized peacock necklace, the colours bright against her pale appearance.
She ran a brush forcefully through her hair, it reached long past her shoulders, the blond tendrils trailing of around halfway down her back. Grabbing her bag from the corner she gave herself one final appraising look in the mirror. Too pale, too large, no style, worthless, the voices in her head ran into each other. She paused for a long second, hesitant, before turning and heading out of her room.
She found the kitchen mercifully empty, excepting Dan with waffle, book and coffee – "his life sources" Jenny mused.
"Jenny," Dan's voice was courteous but there was no emotion in it, "Want a waffle?"
He added the latter as an afterthought, lifting the plate towards her. Jenny's head hurt, she ached for the days when good mornings involved light teasing and conversation, not these clipped comments – he'd barely looked at her face since she'd returned.
"I'm OK, I'll just grab a coffee on the way" The corners of Dan's mouth twitched down but he made no comment, merely turning back to his mobile.
