Disclaimer: All characters featured and/ or mentioned in this segment are not mine. I rented everything.


Before we begin, I'm still not a Royalshipper! But, I was inspired to write this after noticing that there are a bunch of Zane x Alexis lemony /limey /rape-fics going 'round. Nothing against that. I mean, we're all perverts, aren't we? 'Specially when it comes to anime. Even I am, clearly. In fact, let me say that I'll read virtually ANY lemon, even with couples I don't like. Sweet baby Jesus, I'm writin' a RAPE-FIC! And on a couple I like the least!

Or am I? (I'm not trying to bash anyone! I just wrote this for my bud, NarutoXHinata4Ever.) Plus, I saw The Almighy Ruler of Dragons write something like this, only it was for Zane x Syrus. I tried my best to keep everybody in character, wasn't easy.

Oh, right: Fishshipping is what I call this couple. Come on now, you guys call Jaden x Alexis Babyshipping! Why can't I make up another shipping name, too? Also, I'm sticking to the dubbed names. If I could help it, I would try the Japanese. Unfortunately, I can't make heads or tails on how they'd talk to each other, what with suffixes and all.

Shutting up now...


"AREN'T WE LUCKY?"

This series of unfortunate events took place somewhere between episode ninety-five, and episode one hundred two...

"Ah, back in blue! After a grueling sleep under white for so long!" Alexis proclaimed, wiggling back into her old fleece-I mean, uniform-, which was no longer as white as snow. A healthy dosage of royal blue ink from the artists- no, thread from the tailors- had done its job. She'd always felt more comfortable in blue. That White Sleep was not what one would consider a sleep intended to enhance beauty. Sure, it helped her complexion. But what's a creamy complexion that would make a Mary Sue green with envy, compared to a hideous, biting persona that made the Snow Queen look warm?

As somewhat cliche as it sounded, she was nestled by her treasured brooding spot, the lighthouse. She used to come over here to brood about her brother being missing. But now that he was back, as flirty and as thriving and as non-emo as ever, she was just here to let the ink- thread- settle into her jacket. This spot got the best sunshine, and nothing makes thread settle better than the warm touch of good old Mr. Sun.

Besides, she had been given a break from the storyline for a brief while, and was not to show up again until episode one hundred or so, for a cameo. What else was there to do until then?

Cue the "Jaws" theme music.

Strange, there were no sharks visible in the waters. Rather, the music was emitting behind her. When she turned around, all was still and silent once more, save for the waves that bitch-slapped the dock.

Hmm?

She turned back. But the instant she did, it started to play again. Lex swerved around; either it was her imagination, or a flash of black leather just vanished into a corner of the lighthouse. Su-PIC-ious!

She turned back to stare at the sea, and noticed that a bit of spray coated the toes of her boots. They were getting smudgy, and the ink- scratch that, rubber- was losing its blueness. The blasted layer of white-out lay just underneath.

Scooting a little further away from the edge, she growled, "Oh-"

"Cyber Benten's hooters?"

The fine hair on the back of her neck prickled. Did somebody just swear? And how come they sounded...vaguely familiar? Like a guy she used to brood with for sixteen hours a day, way back when?

The third time she glanced over, guess who she chanced to find? A bluenette, and not a very friendly-looking one. He was all clad in black, complete with gravity-defying coat, muscle shirt, tight pants that showed off his bulges a little too well, and a spot of eyeliner around his piercing teal eyes. Plastered on his lips was a such an unpleasant smirk that made the Grinch look neighborly! The Jaws music was practically blaring through her ears, as he crept ever closer.

When he stopped, so did the music. Now it was just awkward, and eerie, silence.

Several different emotions tumbled in Alexis's head like clothes in the laundry. One of those was, naturally, shock. As if the voice was not enough to ignite a single spark of recognition; now this guy's face was screaming recognition!

"Weeeellll?" the dark duelist demanded.

"...Well, what? Where'd you come from?" Seriously, where did he come from? Unless this man had the power of flying on origami cranes or something, like that Deidara from Naruto.

"That's the first thing you have to say to me? After all we've been through?"

Alexis crossed her arms over her chest, so as not to overwhelm any males in the audience by pushing up her bust. With one finger to her cheek, she studied him from crown to toe, trying to make odds and ends of how a Gothic wannabe just dropped in without even as much as building the mood. Besides the classic shark tune, which if you think it over, didn't fit very well.

He shook his head disapprovingly. "Alexis, it's me, Zane. I can't believe you don't recognize me. I was hoping that you'd remember me...apart from your brother and mine."

She narrowed her golden eyes in suspicion. "Zane? Our blue-headed, boring overlord of Obelisk Blue that graduated, entered the Pro Leagues, was undefeated until he dueled Phoenix, and thereafter was never heard from again? Mmm...that duelist, I remember. Mostly. Who are you supposed to be?"

It was Zane's turn to narrow his eyes, in suppressed frustration. Had this girl been ignoring the tabloids as of late?

"Oh, wait a min...you're Hell Kaiser, aren't you?"

"Well technically, that's my name only in the Jap-verse, and since we're speaking English, my name's still Zane. Lots of fans get that mixed up, probably an attempt to make the English version sound more tasteful, whatever. However, I can assure you, I'm not the same Zane you used to know last year. And who're you calling boring?"

Lex took her finger off her cheek. "Really? Well, the wardrobe's certainly different...though it's a little early to be dressing for Halloween-"

He took a step closer. "Excuse me? Are you dissing me?"

"Not trying to, but even if I was, I wouldn't think you'd mind. You dis people all the time, so I've heard. What goes around, comes around," the Obelisk Queen said coolly. "What do you want, anyway? Aren't you supposed to be on your un-merry path, pleasuring yourself with another victory?"

Just by mentioning the word "pleasuring", the sneer on Zane's face morphed into an uncomfortably sly smirk. The kind some folk wear when...ahem, they're horny. It's funny, how people just become horny in the spur of the moment; all it takes is one word, or a touch of eye-candy. Right now, you might say that Rhodes looked like a honeycomb! So it appeared.

Alexis cocked her head to one side. "What's with you?"

No answer. He kept staring at her with those two black holes- or blue holes- for eyes, sending an unpleasant shiver or two down her backbone. Was he undressing her with them? Possibly. She took it as a signal to make like a deck of cards and shuffle off.

"Ooo-kay. I think I'd better go sun myself elsewhere-" She side-stepped to the left. He side-stepped along with her. So she went to the right. He did the same. Left. Left. Right. Right. Before long, it looked like the two were engaged in a strange dance, like the zombie-like Cha-Cha that they make the children dance in elementary school.

"What're you doing?"

"Who said I was letting you go?" Oh dear. Was he preparing to pull off a funny stunt?

She tried to remain cool. "And...may I ask why?"

Zane rolled his eyes and rubbed his fist against his chest. "Oh, Lexi. On one hand, I figured you'd be nonchalant, or at least, pretend to. On the other, I was hoping you'd be a little happier to see me. I consider myself...lucky, to have found you. I think you should feel lucky, as well. Aren't we lucky, that we're together? Alone? With no one around to watch?" When a guy talks like that, they usually mean one thing. Alexis was aware what that one thing was. And she did not appreciate it, not one bit.

When he steadily inched closer, she started to shuffle backwards. "Er...if anything, I feel that you're trespassing my comfort bubble." She held out her arm to show him the boundaries. Not like he was going to listen, anyway. In a blink, his hand shot out and grabbed her thin wrist. His touch was icy, and rough.

Panicking, Alexis struggled to break free. "Too far! Too far! Let me go!"

"Oh, no. Think I'm letting you scamper off that easily?"

"But you're smearing the ink all over!"

"So? I'm wearing black. It probably won't even show." He pinned her to the lighthouse, scooting dangerously close to her. Their hips were almost touching! Lex winced from the throbbing heat emitting from his groin.

She wriggled this way and that, her heart beating like a drum in a heavy metal band. "Hey, back off! What're you doing, dry-humping me?" She started stomping on his foot with her toe to get him to let go. No dice. Having dueled with those masochistic electric collars for Ra-knows-how-many-episodes, he was entirely numb to pain. Especially in his feet.

"Do you want me to file a restraining order on you?!" she protested, proceeding to stomp on his foot even harder, pound on his side with her free hand.

"Come on now. Don't you feel lucky, to be the only girl I'd ever allow to be this close to me?" What if she didn't want to be this close? He leaned his face into her's until the tips of their noses were barely brushing against each other. She couldn't help but tremble at the sensation of his hot breath on her lips.

But he wasn't going to kiss her. He was just going to cut to the chase. That is, had it not been for the girl's persistant demand for release, which he promptly denied with a snarl. That went on for roughly two minutes. Or it was it three? Maybe ten?

"For the umpteenth time, let go of me!"

"Never!"

"You're smearing ink all over the lighthouse!"

"What of it? It's not my lighthouse."

"Come on! Shouldn't be out, kicking someone's ass? Why're you wasting your time here?"

"Oh, I never waste my time, Lex. This'll take a minute...I only want you...

"...to have this."

With his free hand, he took out something from his pocket. Something small. And round. And shiny.

Cue the drumroll.

"A GX tournament medal?" Alexis eyed the object in an odd combination of surprise, suspicion, and slight disappointment. All this half-baked, melodramatic build-up, for a cheap little medal? What the hell was wrong with this man?

Zane gritted his teeth. "No, it's an old, used rubber from your brother's collection. Yes, actually. It's a medal." He brought her wrist away from the wall to open her hand and drop it in the center.

"Ooo-kay, what's this for?"

He stepped back and locked eyes with her. "Well, I don't have any use for it. I just entered the tournament to try out my new Cyber Dark deck...and to flaunt my new image around, and to prove that I'm just as important to the plot of this worthless series as Yuki."

What now? Well, those were pretty lame reasons to drop by one's old school. But then, Zane always was a little weird, if he wasn't busy being boring, Alexis thought. He really hasn't changed all that much.

"Then why give it to me? You could've just gave it to some random preteen who got breasts implants over the season."

"True, this medal means zilch to me. But I felt that it should go to you. As a gift of sympathy. Won't be long before you become as minor of a character as I am. Even Atticus will get more attention than you will. Blasted writers." Sympathy? This was coming from a guy who'd just zapped his brother like a moth in the bug-light!

"I didn't think you knew sympathy, to be honest. Still, if this is all you wanted to do, why did you feel it nessessary to pin me to the lighthouse in such a dark and erotic manner?"

Zane narrowed his eyes into slits. "What do you mean by 'erotic'? I just grabbed you so you wouldn't run off and try throwing yourself at Jaden before I gave you it. Don't you at least feel honored that I've not completely forgotten you? Ungrateful..."

Throw herself at who? How dare he! She only appreciated Jaden as a friend! What was this guy, jealous? However, she decided not to push that subject any further. Wouldn't want to provoke him to touch her, in a far worse and unspeakable way.

"What're you talking about? You're weird, Zane. You're just...weird." Somewhere deep down, she'd thought he was odd, in the mildest, non-toxic form. Now, he'd just jumped off into the deep end of the pool.

He smirked, although not as malevolently as before. "You're not that difficult to read. In fact, you like Yuki so much, that you're going to try confessing your love for him, in about, say..." He paused to count on his fingers.

"...sixty-two episodes from now. But whatever. You just take care of yourself, all right?" With a nod, he turned to saunter off on his un-merry way. Was that it?

"H-Hold on! How would you know? And, weren't you gonna-"

"Being a minor character means lots of time on my hands. Enough time to thumb around Janime for spoilers. I'm mean like that. And trust me: if I truly felt horny, I turn to my Cyber Dragons for relief." Alexis felt an eye go into a slight spasm. She would ask no further about that. The images were too much already.

And all would've gone out fair and well, had it not been for the fact that the blue ink- excuse me, thread- was smeared all over her legs and in her lush, gold hair. Not to mention, all over the precious lighthouse. She got so frustrated about all this random nonsense, she was almost tempted to throw the medal at the back of Zane's sociopathic head. Unfortunately, he had disappeared. As quickly and as mysteriously as he had come.

Cue the "Twilight Zone" theme music.

"Oh, Cyber Benten's hooters! Now I gotta go back and change! Wait...did I just swear? About my own monster?" She slapped a palm over her mouth. "God, I suddenly feel so...dirty."

Next to feeling dirty, the words "you like Jaden" buzzed in her skull like angry bees. That Zane was messing with her. She so did not like him!

Right? Seriously, right?


Little did she know that somewhere, a little to the right of the Obelisk White Dorm (formerly known as the Obelisk Blue Dorm), a great gaping hole had been punched into the quilt that was the sky. If one chanced to look at it and squint, they could see the deep cracks around it. Stranger still, three eyes were peeping from out of the black. One orange, one aqua, and one almond-shaped and glowing a menacing gold.

"Would you look at this!" Yubel shook her head. "Gonna take a lotta plaster to fix this one! Like we don't have enough holes in the fourth wall already! Freakin' kids and their ever-hungry desire to wreck everything."

The hole got bigger, with several new, minor holes popping around it. Blue and white debris fluttered to earth, disintegrating in the atmosphere.

"Aw, damn it! Can't even mention this thing, or it gets bigger! I'm not even supposed to be here, yet!"

It groaned and widened still.

Beside her appeared the celestial evil, the Wave of Light, in the form of a ghostly orb. "Shut up, woman! You're making it worse! I can't conquer the human race if the whole sky is torn down!"

"Aren't you supposed to be off possessing some creepy tarot dork or something?"

"I can be in two places at once, if I choose. I'm just a ball of evil energy."

Yubel snapped her clawed fingers. "Well, aren't we lucky, then! Here, stick your finger in the hole, and I'll go get some plaster. Those humans will never know."

"ME? Sacrifice MY fingers? I don't even HAVE fingers, you herm-o freak-o! Can't you see with those three eyes of yours?"

Thus, the three-eyed Duel Monster took the Light by the eyeballs and shoved it right into the hole head-first, desguising it as innocent clouds. "Takes one to know one, Mr. White Trash! Wait'll my boy wrestles with you!" With that, she stormed off.

The Light was going to shoot an insult back at her, when he suddenly felt the urge to sneeze (yes, it could sneeze. What can't sneeze?).

"Ah...ah...aaaa-CHOO!"

It just took that wicked little sneeze, in the shape of a lightning bolt, to strike the rear of a poor helicoptor that was passing by, minding its own business. One young passenger ended up pulling the suicidal stunt of leaping off the tumbling aircraft and crashing into the dorm's top window. The other two, the pilot and the principal, crashed into the treetops and fell unconscious.

If only there wasn't a pack of rascally squirrels waiting for them down below, with assorted Sharpie markers in their paws.

FIN(?)


I broke the fourth wall even more than 4Kids did! I don't even think there's a fourth wall anymore. Somebody slay me! Please!

I didn't write this to piss anybody off. My sole intention was to make you laugh, or chuckle, at least. Though maybe my sense of humor will not agree with EVERYBODY. I accept that. But if you don't poke a little fun at shipping, shipping gets rather dull. THAT'S why everybody's losing interest in it.

"Slay her. Slay her now. It'll do the fandom better if you did."