A/N: This absolutely had to be done. I'm sorry. I don't even really like this pairing, I just really had to do it. XD
Parody of: Kill Bill vol. 1-2
Pairings: RusAme, PrusAme, RusBela
Warnings: violence, gore, language, mPreg, general badassery, Russia being a cold S.O.B., a kind of OOC Finland, America in a yellow jumpsuit with a katana, one OC, and other things. MANY other things.
Note: If you haven't seen this movie, you need to. It's awesome, and plus you'll be prone to whine and complain about certain things if you don't get why I put them in. Lol. But the Nancy Sinatra lyrics are from memory.
"You know, Alfred...I would like to believe you are aware enough, even now, to know that there is nothing sadistic in my actions. Maybe towards the others. But no. No, Мой дорогой Alfred. At this moment…This is me...at my most masochistic."
"Ivan… It's your baby-"
I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight
Bang bang
He shot me down
Bang bang
I hit the ground
Bang bang
That awful sound
Bang bang
My baby shot me down…
-Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)
He parked the car on the road curb in front of the green house. It was a nice neighborhood—the stereotypical suburban utopia, blissfully unprepared for what was about to take place. He looked around. Strange… There were children's toys scattered all around the front lawn.
Granted, that wasn't going to stop him. If anything, it only added fuel to the fire. He rang the doorbell.
A small platinum blond answered. "Oh, Emil, you're here earl-" His smile faded, shocked.
The visitor took no time in sending a fist aimed directly at the blond's face, missing by only a few millimeters. The blond caught his arm, throwing him into a picture frame. Seconds later the visitor was up, and thus they became locked in an epic battle to the death.
It went on for what seemed to be hours, something that was only to be expected of those two. They completely wrecked the house, and were now using knives from the kitchen in a makeshift swordfight. They stood in a deadlock, catching their breath with weapons pointed at each other when a yellow schoolbus stopped at the driveway.
The blond stared at him, begging with his eyes to wait.
The door opened, and the two quickly turned to hide their knives behind their backs. A little blond boy carrying a backpack stood in the hallway, staring at the adults in confusion. "Mommy, I'm home."
The blond gave a tense smile, still trying to conceal the weapon from his son. "Hi, Peter. How was school?"
The little boy's thick eyebrows rose at the carnage from the earlier fight, and he gasped. "Mommy, what happened to you and the living room?"
His mother paused briefly, trying to conjure a good excuse, before finally replying with, "The dog got in here and acted a fool." He smiled. "That's what happened, Peter."
"Hanatamago did all this?" Peter asked incredulously. He took a step closer.
"Peter. You can't come in here," the blond scolded. "There's broken glass. You might get cut." He glared at the visitor, fawning a warm smile for the sake of the child. "This is an old friend of Mommy's who I haven't seen in a long time."
"Hi." The visitor tried faking a smile as well. "I'm Alfred. What's your name?"
"His name is Peter," the blond said coldly.
"Peter… That's a nice name. How old are you?"
The boy was silent, unsure whether to answer. Somehow, he had a sense that this stranger was very, very dangerous. He looked at his mother, as if to ask permission to answer.
"Peter," his mother snapped. "Alfred asked you a question."
"I'm… I'm twelve."
"Twelve years old, eh?" asked Alfred. "I had a little boy once. He would be about four now."
The blond gave a slight, forced smile. "Peter… Mommy's friend and I have some grownup business to talk about. So go in your room and wait there until I come get you. Okay?" No answer. "Okay?" Still no answer. "Peter!" the mother barked. "In your room. Now."
The little boy squeaked and fled to his room. The blond smiled warmly at Alfred. "So. Want some coffee?"
He shrugged. "Sure."
This homemaker's name is Tino Oxenstierna. His husband is Dr. Berwald Oxenstierna. But years ago, when they were acquainted, his name was Tino Väinämöinen. His codename was Copperhead, Alfred's, Black Mamba.
"Hey… Have a towel or something?"
"Here."
"Thanks." Alfred dabbed at one of his newly acquired cuts.
Tino sighed. "I suppose it's too late for an apology."
"You supposed right."
"Look," said Tino. "I need to know if you're going to start any more crap around my son."
Alfred sighed. "Relax, okay? I'm not gonna kill you in front of your kid."
"That's being more rational than Ivan led me to think you were capable of," commented Tino.
"It's mercy, compassion, and forgiveness I lack. Not rationality."
"Look, I know I screwed you over," sighed Tino. "I screwed you over badly, and I swear to God, I wish I hadn't. But I did. You have every right to want to get even."
Alfred shook his head. "No, no no… No, to get even… Even Steven… I would have to kill you…" He paused. "Then go down the hall to Peter's room, and kill him… Then I would have to wait for your husband, the good doctor Oxenstierna to come home, and kill him." He nodded. "Yeah, that, Tino, would be even. That'd be about square."
"Look, Alfred. If I could change what happened, I would. But I can't. All I can do now is assure you that I am not the same person I was back then."
"Oh, great," said Alfred, rolling his eyes. "I don't care."
Tino ignored him, continuing. "Be that as it may, I don't deserve your mercy or forgiveness. But I beg you, for the sake of my son-"
"You can stop right there, bitch," Alfred interrupted coldly. "Just because I don't feel like killing you in front of your son doesn't mean that parading him around in front of me will inspire sympathy. You and I have unfinished business. And not a goddamned thing you've done in the subsequent four years including getting knocked up will change that."
Tino shrugged, defeated. "So, when do we do this?"
"It all depends," Alfred replied, pushing up his glasses. "When do you wanna die? Tomorrow? Day after tomorrow?"
"How about tonight?"
"Awesome. Where?"
"There's a baseball diamond on the other side of town," replied Tino calmly. "We won't be bothered there. We meet at around two in the morning, dressed all in black, and we have a knife fight. Now…" He opened a cabinet. "I have to make Peter some cereal."
Alfred leaned against a wall, watching the Nordic pour cereal into a small bowl.
"You know, Alfred…" Tino began. "Ivan always said you were one of the best with a two-edged weapon."
"Fuck you bitch," he retorted. "I know he didn't qualify that shit."
"Kiss my ass, Black Mamba." Tino snorted. "Black Mamba… I should have fucking been Black Mamba…"
"Weapon of choice? If you wanna stick with your butcher knife, I understand." Alfred smirked.
Tino rolled his eyes. "Very funny, Alfred..." He reached for the box of cereal. "Very funny!" Without warning, he fired a gun hidden inside the cereal box.
The problem with using a concealed firearm is that it is rarely ever accurate. The bullet barely missed Alfred, who threw a dagger into Tino's heart before he could fire again. The Fin sunk to the floor, dead.
At that moment, Alfred noticed the shocked boy behind him and sighed. "…It… wasn't my intention to this in front of you. For that…" he pulled the dagger out and began wiping it off on a towel, "…I'm sorry. But I can promise you one thing." He replaced into a sheath hidden inside his jacket. "Your mom had it coming."
The boy said nothing, still frozen in shock.
"Tell you what. When you grow up, if you still feel raw about it…" He patted the boy on the head. "I'll be waiting." With that, he walked away, never to return to that house.
For those regarded as warriors, when engaged in combat, the vanquishing of your enemy can be one's only concern. Suppress all human emotion of compassion, kill whoever stands in your way, even if it is Lord God, or Buddha himself. (1)
Satisfied, Alfred crossed out the name "Tino Vainamoinen" on his hit list, under the already crossed out "Kiku Honda".
A/N: Like it? I really hope I got all the stuff right… This was so weird! Making cute little Finland a jerk and then killing him off! XD
(1) I'm not a Buddhist, and I don't like this quote, I just had to put it in to make the scene 100% accurate…. Lolz
