You Make Me Hate Me
I'm pretty sure I hate her- or at least some part of me does. But the part that loves her is stronger.
She makes me hate myself. No matter what I do, it's never good enough. She pushed me harder and harder to be my best, just to please her. I guess that's part of why I hate her. It's also a reason why I love her.
I fell so hard for her it hurt, but it felt good. I loved her so much it scared me. Scared me into thinking I was losing my edge, becoming soft. I was so stupid, thinking I needed to snap out of my lovesick faze. I felt I needed to push her around a bit-emotionally or course- to show her that I was in charge in our relationship. But I didn't just push her around. I broke her.
I thought it would be easy; kiss another girl, break up with Courtney, and only take her back when she was begging on her knees. It sounds so sick when I think of it now, playing with her heart to feel domination over us, over her. But I didn't get begging; I got hatred. Angry, depressing, consuming hatred. She didn't want anything to do with me anymore. And I guess I deserved that. Karma's a fucking ass sometimes.
"Crap, crap, crap-" Mumbling stopped my train of thought.
I saw her there, in front of me, struggling with a couple of trays of food. She looked as beautiful as when I first saw her. It hurt, to know I couldn't say that beauty loved me. I walked up to her and did something stupid.
I knocked the trays she was holding out of her hands.
"Hey!" she shouted, in that shrill voice she always used when she was mad.
I smirked, "Whoops."
She balled her hands into fists and her face turned red from rage. "What the hell!"
"You should be more careful, Princess."
Courtney growled, and I saw a level of anger in her that I didn't recognize. "First, you break my heart and cost me my best friend. Now, you have the nerve to treat me like shit. Why the fuck are you doing this!"
There were a couple of answers to this question. I'm a complete bastard. My way of getting out my own self loathing is by taking it out on you. I can't let you or I move on because I'm still in love with you. But I could only answer with a weak, "Because it's fun."
She slapped me across the face, hard. "I hate you. I hate you so much." She was telling the truth, I could tell from her voice.
It's okay, I hate me too.
AN:
Me: This was lame. Uber lame. I was trying to be angsty. And that was a fail. BLAH XP BTW, it's set at the Playaday losers cafe.
