I stared at myself in the mirror. My hair was perfect, my makeup was perfect, and my gown looked incredible. So why wasn't I happy? This was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, but everything about today felt completely wrong.
"Clare?"
"Yeah?" I questioned as I turned my head toward Alli.
"Are you okay?" her expression was full of worry. I must have really looked upset.
I took a deep breath. I couldn't tell her how I thought that this didn't seem right. She was so excited to help me plan my wedding. I didn't want her to worry about me. I was going to be fine. Everyone has nerves, right?
"Just nerves, Alli. I'll be fine," I said with a reassuring smile. Truth is I wasn't sure if I was going to be fine. Part of me wanted to walk out right then, but part of me wanted to marry the man I'd fallen in love with six years ago.
"Oh! Well everyone's nervous, Clare. They say that if you're not nervous, then you're not with the right person," she chirped.
"I know that Alli, but what if Eli decides he doesn't want to be with me," I paused for a second then hesitantly continued, "a-again?" Alli walked over and stood next to me, looking at me by use of the mirror. She began to place my veil on my head before she spoke.
"Clare, you know he never stopped loving you, right? He was your first real boyfriend. He wanted you to experience something else. Someone different. He didn't want to hold you back if you two weren't truly meant to be together." I looked down at my hands and noticed that I was fiddling with my engagement ring absentmindedly. Alli hugged my shoulders.
"Thanks, Alli," I smiled, though faint, it was still a smile. I chewed on my bottom lip while thoughts raced through my head. When we weren't together, I fell apart. I hardly ate, I never went out of my way to talk to anyone, my grades completely slipped, and it wasn't until we had broken up that I had realized how dependent on him I was.
It was the worst year of my life. I wanted to die. I wanted to put him through the same pain that he had put inside of me. If he wasn't in my life, then I saw no reason to live. But I could never go through with it because in my head, there was always that chance that we would finally be together again. Both Alli and Adam knew that we loved each other still, and they made up some arrangement to get us back together, and it worked. One year later, Eli proposed. To this day, I never told him about how I wanted to kill myself. We hardly spoke about what happened when we were broken up, but sometimes, I really wanted to.
Our relationship wasn't the same after we got back together than it was before we broke up. I always felt like Eli was hiding something from me, but I never knew how to confront him about it. Should I have?
I snapped out of my trance to Alli calling my name to tell me there was thirty minutes left until 'showtime', as she liked to call it. I walked over to the window and noticed a familiar sight: my parents bickering. Of course they would even bicker on my wedding day. My mom never got over her dislike for Eli, so that's most likely what their argument is about. I walked into the bathroom, looked at myself in the mirror, and closed my eyes, trying not to cry. They had hardly seen each other the past five years. Could they really not keep it together for just one day?
Then I began to think about me and Eli. Would we end up this way? I came to terms with the fact that my parents divorced, but I still held to my belief that divorce was wrong. But you never know what's going to happen, and I think that's what I hated most about committing myself to Eli. How was I to know if we'd last?
I couldn't keep the thoughts away.
I'd still held onto my virginity until today. Did he wait for me? Did he actually want to marry me, or did he feel obligated to? Did he see a forever with me?
Alli squealed from the main room, "Clare! Fifteen more minutes! Please come out here so I can make sure that you're perfect!"
I didn't move. I didn't want to. The next thing I knew, Alli came over and opened the door to the bathroom.
"Clare! What's wrong!" she panicked. She rushed over to me trying to make eye contact with me while trying to comfort me at the same time.
"I told you, Alli. Nerves," I snapped at her. The tone of my voice made Alli step back from me.
"You know, Clare, no one is making you do this. If you don't want to marry him, you don't have to."
"But I do want to marry him. That's the problem."
"..I'm not following. If you want to marry him, then why are you staring at yourself in the mirror, crying?"
I walked out of the bathroom and over to the window, and pulled back the blind. My parents were still bickering. "W-what if we end up like them, Alli? Nothing is forever, and he already left me once. I don't think I could handle him breaking my heart again," I said sadly.
"Look, I know everyone's told you this, but you and Eli aren't your parents. What you have is rare and everyone believes you'll last, even if you don't. I see the way he looks at you, Clare, and that in itself makes me speechless. He truly deeply loves you, and he never wants to lose you again," she said softly.
I took a deep breath. Maybe Alli was right. Maybe I am being over paranoid. I loved Eli, and I know Eli loved me, too, but I couldn't get over the fact that Eli and I had changed, and I'm not sure if it was for the better. He no longer was as cheesy as he used to be. He no longer joked about "taking" me. Something was different.
I took my position in the hallway of the chapel, at the end of the line. I turned around to look for my dad, but he wasn't anywhere in sight. Tears stung the corners of my eyes, and I blinked ferociously trying to push them back. Soon, it was Alli's turn to walk. I watched her turn the corner and make her way into the chapel where everyone was waiting. I took a deep breath and took a step forward, but stopped. My breathing became erratic, and I couldn't see straight. My mind was telling me to move forward, but my body wouldn't let me. I turned around and stared at the doors that led outside, but turned around to face the chapel again.
I couldn't do it.
I placed my flowers on the ground, scooped up my dress, turned around, and walked out of the chapel. As I was walking down the steps, tears began to cloud my vision, but I didn't stop walking. I couldn't stop. Not now. I didn't care that I still had my wedding dress on or that people were giving strange looks. What was supposed to be the happiest day of my life, wasn't. I couldn't go back – not anymore.
So, what'd you think? Please review and let me know so that I know people want me to continue and that this wasn't an epic fail. It sounded like a good idea in my head.
