The noise of Eavesdown deafened her. So many voices, so loud, so ignorant. She needed the black, it was quieter there, she could hear them coming. They would be coming, they were always coming always looking, seeking and she could not hide in the dirt. Two by Two. Trapped they were all trapped. Knock them down, knock them all down, easy…. put out the lights. So many voices, so easy, no power in the verse.
NO!
Captain said love, she did love. She loved Emma, the Captain, Inara, Kaylee, Zoe even Jayne and most of all Simon. "Simon says no," she whispered and giggled a little. "Simon says, Simon says… Boob"
Simon would see, Simon would know. Simon wouldn't love her anymore. She drew her legs to her chest, gripping her calves, nails driving in. Blood dripped where she broke the skin. Red was good, purpose fulfilled, legs were caged, could not fulfill their mission. Simon saved lives, Simon saved so many lives. He didn't know. She had to be good, Simon was happy when she was good. Simon knew what was good, she had to think like Simon.
She tightened her grip, pain was good it meant she was alive. That was what they said. Pain is good. She was bad, had bad thoughts, did bad things, ran away, killed and it was bad, killed and it was good. She deserved pain. River frowned, if pain was good, why did she deserve it when she was bad. "Zap, Zap, Zap, Doesn't make sense," she muttered to herself.
"Ring around the rosy, pocket full of posies, ashes to ashes they all fall down," she sang softly. Not her though, never her, she would never lie down. River smiled and looked through the hull of Serenity. "Come, come Albatross is waiting, I am not alone anymore." Simon would agree, Simon would kill for her, let Tanaka bleed, didn't know that she knew. Killing was good because Simon was good. Now it made sense.
