Pan) Hey guys. I know starting a new story but I can't help it this freaking plot won't leave me alone. Ugh!

Pan) I know in most of my stories the Akasuki are goofy, happy dorks. Well, not in this one there the assholes Masashi Kishimoto wanted them to be, if not a bit more brutal.

Pan) Okay here is the major warning read it, seriously! THIS CONTAINS GRAPHIC VIOLENCE! It has abuse both mental and physical, attempted suicide and gore. Don't say I didn't warn you either!

Pan) Okay once more... IF YOU DON'T LIKE VIOLENCE, GORE, OR MENTAL TORTURE, DO NOT READ THIS STORY!

Pan) Well with my two, count um' two! Warnings those of you brave enough to read this enjoy! I don't not own Naruto just this crazy plot.

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I was four when I decided I wanted to be a ninja, most girls my age wanted to be princess and marry the diamos son. To be a new famous actress, or marry a nice, rich business man or live a simple country life, but not me. I decided that my life would be full of action, adventure, fun, loyalty, skill, and a big awesome pay off and the respect of everyone around me. I remember the day I made this decision, it was the middle of spring the flowers in front of our little house were in full bloom and the farm animals had just given birth to most of their young. The smell of fresh fallen rain clung to everything, as my mother and I walked to the market. She had a small woven basket dangling from the crook of her elbow her hair was pulled into a bun and the green kimono she wore was the color of new grass, she was beautiful, even at my young age I could see it. I tagged behind her splashing in every puddle I could find soaking my white sandals and the bottom half of my sun yellow yukata and spotting them with mud, my brown pigtails bouncing with every puddle I hopped into, giggling with manic glee. My mother would softly chided me but the smile on her lips told a different story so I continued my splashing making it to the market I followed her to the first of many stands I knew we would stop at. As she looked over two mango's trying to see which was the nicest, a loud commotion behind us had everyone looking down the road.

As I looked the adults swarmed in my way, so I squeezed between bodies and crawled between legs, my childish curiosity piqued by the sudden interest. Finally I crawled between a farmers legs at the front of the group sitting on my knees in front of him I looked up in time to see a tall man wearing a green and blue outfit, his hair was a near stark white and in a ponytail that was pulled to the side letting it fall over his shoulder his clothes were tattered and dirty and he had bandages on his hand and cheek. The woman he carried on his back was in the same condition white bandages covered her head where red seeped through and she wore only one sandal the sandal less foot was swollen and discolored. Finally was the man walking behind him, his arm was in a makeshift sling his face was smeared with dirt and his vest was ripped in at least six places as were his pants. As I watched them walk past me they gave off such an proud aura, and seemed to radiate strength and I saw how some of the villagers scrambled out of their way, I knew I wanted to be like them.

I was yanked to my feet and came face to face with my crouching mother, her face was different from how it was before not the happy smile or soft eyes, she looked colder somehow. When she spoke I obeyed without fuss my mother was scared and trying to hide it she tugged me along through the market and we went home.

I met the white haired man the next day, I was playing in the flower field close to the market playing silly, children's games spinning until I was dizzy and then making daisy chains I had finished my second one and smiled, placed one one my head tucking it under my pigtails to keep it on and stood from my cross legged position, fixed my yukata and started running for my home to give my mother the other chain. Making it to the edge of the field I tripped and fell, bashing my forehead off the dirt path the tears came automatically as I pushed myself to my knees. Rubbing my eyes and bawling like the child I was the sun was blocked by a shadow, looking up through my tears I saw the white haired man. He smiled and crouched down and pulled a cloth from a pouch at his hip and dabbed the blood from m forehead then placed a band-aid over the scrape patting my head he stood and lifted me to my feet. Ruffling my hair again he started to walk away, looking down to the daisy chain I grabbed it up and ran after him, tugging on his shirt sleeve. He stopped and looked down at me and I waved him down to my level once crouched I placed the daisy chain lopsidedly on his spiky hair and smiled my big gap toothed smile at him. He gave a chuckle and said only two words to me before he left and they were 'Thank you.' I never saw the white haired man again.

I was five the first time my mother ever truly frighted me, it was the day I finally told her that I wanted to be a ninja. We were standing in the kitchen I was snapping the ends off the green beans we had pulled from the garden and she was plucking the feathers from a chicken she had be headed. We were talking about nothing really, she was asking me about my schooling and how my friends were and then she finally asked it, she asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. A doctor? Farmer? Business woman? Wife? Or a princess? I giggled at the last two and looked to her and smiled and told her I wanted to be a ninja. The suddenness of the slap had me falling off the tiny foot stool and the green bean I had been ready to snap fell from my fingers as I landed butt first onto our wooden floor. My eyes were wide and brimmed with tears at the sting in my cheek and my mothers sudden anger, she looked down at me as I cowered on the floor and she shouted at me words I will never forget 'You will never become one of those monsters!' then she walked past me flinging her apron onto the kitchen table and walking out of the house. I stood from the floor tears running freely down my cheeks as I got a washcloth and went to the water pump behind the house to get cool water for my face. As I held the cold cloth to my cheek I made a vow that I would become a ninja just to spite mommy and I would do it without her knowing. I went back inside and scurried to my room, past the headless chicken and the green beans that still lay on the counter forgotten.

I was seven when I found out my mother-the woman who slapped me and told me I would never become a monster- had been a monster herself. We were cleaning the house, it was the beginning of spring and mother wanted to get rid of things we no longer needed so we set about the task of a complete house cleansing. I was in her room pulling the boxes from her closet and stacking them in the middle of the floor so she could go through them later, as I stood on a chair to reach the boxes on the shelf in the closet I stood on my tip toes and my foot slipped, falling my hand caught a box and it fell with me. Sitting up and rubbing the back of my head trying not to cry I looked to the box hopping nothing in it was breakable, or mother would be mad. When my eyes landed on the little piece of metal on the thin strip of blue cloth my curiosity piqued and I picked it up and I saw the little insignia etched into the metal it looked like a misshapen snail. Running my finger over it I slid closer to the box and lifted the lid off fully and was shocked at the things I pulled out: a well worn pair of black capries and sleeveless t-shirt, a sturdy pair of black knee high flat bottomed boots, some type of thick dark green vest covered in pockets.

Then tucked away at the bottom were a hand full of five inch long needles, about a dozen star shaped knives and a half dozen knives, also a few corked glass vials of thick dark liquids. Lifting up a light green vial I pulled the cork out and was about to sniff at its contents when my mother walked in and shouted at me and with a speed I never knew she possessed she bolted across the floor snatching the little vial from my hands, then looked at everything spread out around me. Pinning me with a venomous glare, she corked the bottle and gave a heavy sigh and sank to the floor placing the vial back in the box, reaching up she grabbed my hand and tugged me to her side and in a soft voice she said she would tell me everything about the box in front of me but I was to never tell a soul about it. Nodding I smiled at her and eagerly waited for her explanation she told me the vials contained poisons and that the one I was about to sniff was the most deadly, shivering at the though. I nodded then she picked up the knives and told me they were called kunai, and the stars were shuriken, and the needles were senbon then she told me the odd vest was called a flack jacket and it was used to help lessen the damage done by weapons. Then she picked up the clothes tucked them away and then picked up the strip of cloth and told me it was a Hitai-ate from her former village, she refused to tell me the name of the village.

Then she tucked the Hitai-ate away put the lid back on the box, then looking me in the eyes she told me she had once been a ninja for eighteen years, she became a Genin at the age of six and she was promoted to a Chunin at the age of nine then to a jonin at the age of thirteen. She said she was faithful to her ninja life until the day she found out she was pregnant she was twenty-four she was afraid for her unborn child the dangerous life she lead was no way to raise a child but when she asked to be released from her duty's and become a civilian she was refused. Their was a war going on and every available ninja was needed no matter their condition, after being told this she waited and stole away into the night and finding this village to stay in. I asked her how we've stayed hidden for so long and she lifted the hem of her shirt and pointed to her tattoo, she told me it was a chakra concealing seal and it constricted her chakra to that of a civilians. Looking at my mother I saw her in a different light she had her reasons to not want me to become a ninja but I had my own for wanting to be one, even after her story I wanted to become a ninja.

I was eleven when I found out my mother was a mercenary and her 'herb hunting trips' were actually her going out to kill, steal, or kidnap for money. Mother told me I would have to stay with the Oaska's the nice, elderly couple down the road who always watched me when she went on her trips. I refused wanting to go with her but she shook her head saying I wasn't old enough to travel that far, and she packed me a bag and walked me to the Osaka's. Watching her form disappear down the road I sighed taking my bag to the spare room and tossing it on the floor then deciding to go practice chakra control - I found a book about it in my mothers things so I read it over and over committing it to memory- walking to the back yard I sat under a tree crossed my legs and with my palms upturned placed the backs of my fingers together and concentrated. It was hard to do at first but it was getting easier I now knew what my chakra felt like, it was warm like the sun but it was under my skin instead of on on it. Focusing on moving it to my hands I felt the warm tingle as it spread over my palms and to my finger tips then I focused it to my feet then to my stomach and so on, after a half hour I was panting and sweating. Standing from my spot I went back into the house and to my room and changed clothes I noticed my toothbrush wasn't in my bag.

With a huff I headed back towards my house, pushing open the front door I stopped something felt weird, almost like the air was heavy. Walking down the hall I stopped in front of my mothers bedroom door with shaking hands I pushed open her door and gasped at what I saw. My mother stood in the middle of the floor wearing her ninja gear and was in the process of tying her hair into its signature bun, she looked towards me and her eyes held a mixture of shock, shame, and annoyance. Her face hardened and she stormed over to me gripping my arm above my elbow she yanked me to her, glaring down at me she must have seen the fear in my eyes because she sighed, her iron grip loosened and her eyes softened. In a soft voice my mother told me that she was a mercenary and that she never intended for me to find out about her life as a hired thug. As I stood in front of my mother and took in the way she stood even in her depressed mood I saw an attentiveness and a deep awareness in her it seemed she saw nothing but me but I could she it my mother saw everything the bird that flew by the window to her left and she heard things I could not. Seeing my mother in this new way just made my convection to be a ninja stronger and with a smile I told her that I would love her no matter what and then I set myself up for either another slap or for my mother to break. I asked her to teach me to be just like her a ninja strong, brave, fierce, determined, and admired.

She looked me over with a critical eye then pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed asking if I would ever give up on my 'dream' and with out missing a beat I told her no. With another sigh and patting my head my mother said she would show me how to become a ninja, with a squeal of delight I wrapped my arms around her waist in a hug. Babbling about how happy I was, then my mother grabbed my shoulders and held me at arms length and told me I had to promise to never tell a soul about her or my training. With a quick nod I told my mother I would tell no one about her secret life. Finally with my toothbrush in hand and a huge smile still on my face I made my way back to the Osaka's. Mother came back four days later and we began my training the next day.

I was thirteen the first time mother finally let me go on a mission with her I was ecstatic running around the house trying to finish my chores in record time. Then I bolted to my room and dug into the back of my closet and pulled out the box of training supplies my mother had given me ripping off my green yukata I started to put on my training gear I was pulling my shirt over my head when my mother walked in. I looked at her and my smile became confused, she was wearing a sky blue kimono with a bird pattern scattered up her hip a deep blue obi and a pair of geta. Her hair was pulled into a curly pile on top of her head and she had her woven herb basket hanging from the crook of her arm. With a laugh and a smile she told me to wear a pretty yukata and sandals then she walked away in a fit of giggles. With my cheeks warm from embarrassment I once again stripped shoved my training gear back into its box then put it back in my closet then pulled out a sunset orange yukata and a muted yellow obi and tied it at my hip. I found my geta slipped them on and then ran to the kitchen and found my mother sitting at the table she looked at me and sighed waving me over she fussed with my messy shoulder length hair and finally got it tugged into a presentable ponytail.

She stood grabbed her full herb basket and waved me out the door we walked to the village, we passed the flower field and the market stalls and the stables the smell of animals grew stronger as we moved deeper into the farming district of the village finally mother stopped at a small house and knocked on the door. From out side I heard the squall of a baby, and the door opened and a woman in a rumpled forest green yukata opened the door her face was sallow and she had dark bags under her eyes she hadn't slept in a while. She gave a half attempted smile and gestured us in, the scream of the baby intensified once inside the small house. The woman lead us to a room with the tiny infant as I followed I looked over the bassinet to the tiny screaming pudgy pink thing. Tiny fists balled up, legs in the air and red faced from the high pitched screaming stepping back I looked up at my mother who had a calculating look on her face. She handed me the woven basket and began to prod the baby's stomach with soft precise pushes, then she checked the baby's mouth then picked the screaming thing up. With a soft smile on her face my mother told the bed ragged woman that her baby had colic as my mother patted the baby's back she went about telling the woman how to help her baby. After mother told the woman to try changing her diet for breast feeding, she showed her a few gental massages for the baby, and told her that sometimes carrying the infant helps. Then she looked at me and told me to pull out all the chamomile, fennel seed, and balm-mint we had brought with us.

Doing what I was asked my mother told the woman how to brew a tea out of the herbs and to give it to the baby three times a day and it might help with the colic. Handing the crying baby back to the tired looking woman my mother told her that the colic would last anywhere from two to four months and the woman looked devastated until my mother told the woman she would come to check in everyday. With all the information my mother could tell the woman we left, on the way back I asked my mother why we helped the woman. Saying I thought ninja where strong, and caught bad guys, with a laugh my mother told me there were different types of ninja and she was one of them she told me she used to be a medical ninja along with being a fighter. For the next three months my mother went to the woman's house and helped her with her colicky baby.

I was fifteen the first time I killed someone. I remember every detail about that day the birds in the trees chirped, chipmunks scurried around and jumped from tree to tree. I saw a deer and a fawn rush away as I walked past them on the dirt trail I wore a short yukata it was cut at my knees and a light blue with a feather patten scattered through it and a dark blue obi. The sun filtered down through the trees and the humidity was terrible I had my hair pulled into a bun and had two senbon jabbed through to hold it in place. I was on my way back home from the little field where my mother picked her herbs, she had sent me in her place that day so she could go tend to a sick child in the village. I had my mothers woven herb basket hanging from the crook of my left arm it was full of Lady Ferns, Blood Flower, Tansy, hyssop, Red Clover, Burdock Herb, Sweet Violet, and Willow Bark. I had also found some Lion's Mane mushrooms and had picked them for the hot pot my mother was going to make for dinner.

I had pulled a small folding fan from my obi and flipped it open to fan myself when I saw a traveler in the distance. As we grew closer I saw it was a man he looked like a farmer his skin was tanned a dark golden color and his clothes were covered in dirt and his face was smudged with dirt as well. I passed with a slight nod as did he, I only made it a few more steps when I was grabbed by the back of my yukata. Jerked backwards the fan fell from my fingers and the woven basket spun on my arm dumping all the herbs and mushrooms I had picked. A hand was pressed over my mouth and and an arm wrapped around my ribs in a crushing hold I smelled dirt, sweat and the lingering smell of horses.

The man spoke telling me how pretty and provocative my yukata was and how I was advertizing myself to the whole world and how he would gladly accept the invitation. Fear struck hard with the realization of what he was speaking about, and I thrashed about trying to escape, the years of things my mother had taught me slipped away as gut wrenching terror took over. The man twisted me around gripping the folds of my yukata and got his foot between my feet and made me trip, falling backwards landing on the hard ground. He crouched down and grabbed my ankle and yanked me closer to him still thrashing and yelling the man leaned over me slapping his hand firmly over my mouth. Grinning down at me with his dirty teeth something in my mind cleared and my hand slipped to my obi and I pulled out the kunai my mother had given me the man moved his hand and leaned closer and I could smell the pungent odor of his breath. With as strangled cry I slammed my eyes shut and plunged the kunai up with both hands as hard as I could from my laying position.

There was a gargled sound then I felt something warm drip onto my cheek opening my eyes I saw the mans face there was confusion then shock as he lurched up to his knees and scabbed at the kunai plunged in his neck finally getting a good hold on the bloody weapon he ripped it out. It was a mistake as his blood sprayed out then ran down his front and dripped onto my yukata staining it a deep purple. As the light faded from the mans eyes I squirmed out from under him I was on the verge of hyperventilating as I watched the man die. Staggering back I turned and ran home, when I burst through the door my mother looked up from her cutting board and gasped. She fussed over me demanding to know what happened I told her all that had happened and she pulled me to her chest petting my hair telling me I did what I had to do and that it was the right thing. That I had saved many other girls from the man then she told me about her first kill and how she had felt just like me and how her teacher told her it was for the greater good. As she held me and the mans blood seeped into her snow white apron I started to think that maybe the ninja life wasn't as great as I fooled myself into believing it was. The next day my mother started more vigorous training telling me I would never be taken by surprise again.

I was eighteen when I found out that the life of a ninja was as I had suspected when I was fifteen it was not as amazing as I made myself believe. It was hard, and dirty, full of corruption, since less murder, greed, revenge, hatred, misguided conceptions, and lies, I found out the truth about my mother that year also. I found out that my mother had hidden most of the cruel and dirty secrets of the ninja world from me. The rose colored glasses were ripped off in the middle of spring as I made my way home, it was the day I met them the seat of my own personal hell, the Akatsuki.

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Pan) Well? I hope its okay, this is my first time doing a whole chapter with absolutely no dialog at all. So let me know what you think.

Pan) Also all the gore, abuse and 'M' rated stuff starts in the next chapter, just as a heads up.