Letting Go
Title: Letting Go
Characters: Clint Barton, Laura Barton, Natasha Romanoff, Steve Rogers
Ships: Clint X Laura, Romanogers
Rating: T
Words: 5,589
Summary: Clint knows it's time. Knows it's time to trade in the bow and arrow for bottles and diapers and he knew he should've done it years ago but there was always something holding him in S.H.I.E.L.D. Now looking out the window he knows he can leave without anything holding him there.
AN: Okay so having watched Avengers: AoU this has been burning in the back of my mind and I'm finally around to typing it down. Just think of it as a bonus scene or AUscene set between from when the Avengers arrive at Clint's farm house to before they go and look for Ultron. Please inform me of typos and well, enjoy!
Clint knows he should be downstairs helping his wife make dinner for their family and their guests. It was a little tradition for Clint and Laura that they made every time he would come back from a mission to make dinner together. He would cut, she would mix, he would pour, she would rinse and in the end, as cliché as it sounds, they would wash the dishes together, often switching position each night. Tonight was his turn to dry.
But no matter how much he tells himself to move, to do anything but sit here against the window to go and find the rest of the team, he finds that he just…can't.
He knows what they're going through. After all they're not the only ones who have had someone uninvitingly enter their mind…to tear their minds apart. To him it felt like someone was cutting him open and exposing all his dreams, hopes, memories, and fears…demons.
He wasn't lying to Natasha when he felt he was being unmade.
After the battle in New York, he took some time to himself. He came back home to be with his family and try to glue himself back together. He should've known he wouldn't do it alone, that once he got on one kneel and pulled out the ring that he's had hidden for months in his quiver, that he wouldn't do anything alone again.
The moment he stepped out of the car, Laura had him in her arms again tightly and protectively, daring anyone to take him away from her, and he knew she'll sock anyone in the face if they tried. But he didn't mind because for the first time since Loki, he felt safe. He felt back at home and it's true, wherever Laura and their children are, that's home.
But despite those unforgettable memories he found himself, much to Laura's displeasure, back in S.H.I.E.L.D in less than a few days.
Even though Loki…mind controlled him and used him like a puppet, Clint didn't have to suffer the consequences like Selvig apparently did nor did he have to witness his deepest fears. Maybe that's why he brought the rest of the Avengers to his home. To give them some sort of sense of security of safety. None of them came back the same, well, maybe Tony but Clint knew he was suffering just like the rest and whatever Tony saw that pushed him to create Ultron, Clint was sure it was something that really got to him…just like the others.
His eyes found the reason for his reluctance to retire from the organization that he's worked at for years: Natasha Romanoff.
Even when he first met her she was always so guarded. It took him a while for her to completely trust him and confide in him.
However, the woman he found in the ship wasn't Natasha Romanoff but Natalia Alianova Romanova: the girl who was forced to give up so much, for people who never gave but used her for their own purposes.
He watched her as she sat on the ground and even with her back to him he knew she was trying to put herself back together again. Just like Bruce, Tony, Steve and Thor were trying to do…and just like he had to do a long time ago.
Despite it being evening out he could see her perfectly. Years of shooting arrows would help with that.
He watched her closely and from her body language he could tell she was trying not to let out the sobs of sadness and of pain she's been holding in since he found her. He could see her shoulders rising heavily indicating she was breathing deeply, her arms were wrapped around herself something he was sure was to provide herself the comfort she needed but wouldn't ask for, the way she was shivering wasn't from the cold and from the years of working with each other he was positive she was trying to remember the good…to out due the bad.
He wanted to go out and comfort her but now wasn't the time. The last time he comforted her during a bad time he got a knife to the throat.
"Penny for your thoughts?"
Clint smiled gently knowing exactly who it was. He was actually counting down the minutes to where she'll come and find him. His wife was never prone to leave him when she knew he needed someone to talk to.
"Now what use would a penny be for me?" he responded still not moving his eyes from the form of his partner.
"Well, you could use it as a start to save up for another room or to finally fix the roof," Laura teased making him chuckle.
"Still won't let that go huh?" Clint mused as he continued watching Natasha who pulled her legs to her chest, which was a sign that the nightmares she had were staring to resurface, soon he'll have to hold her down as the demons wrecked her mind. Something he's done in the past when she first began her life as a S.H.I.E.L.D agent.
"Until you have a hammer in your hand and a box of tools in the other, I'll stop," Laura told him honestly as she pulled a seat in front of him.
He couldn't help but smile at her response. It made him remember exactly why he fell in love with her in the first place all those years ago. She was always different from the other women. She wasn't afraid to voice her thoughts and that to him was an attractive trait.
Laura smiled proud of herself, after all these years she was still able to make him smile even when he thinks he can't.
By the simple look on his face she could tell something was on his mind and by following his eyesight towards the window she found the reason for her husband's worry…and her own.
When she saw Natasha enter the house, Laura instantly knew something was wrong. The way she clung to Clint like he was her only source of comfort to the way her eyes were empty was enough information for Laura to know that something went wrong on the mission. Natasha came back almost as worse as Clint did after New York and by the way the others came in she could tell that it affected them all, even Clint. Maybe not the way the others took it but she knew Clint well enough to know he blamed himself for not warning them sooner about whatever it is that happened. Clint liked to think himself as the eyes of the group; he would get a high vintage point and helped by calling out any threats or taking out the threats himself to make sure the others were okay and to know something went passed him and hurt the others…he took it personally. Especially since the Avengers were like his second family and knowing he wasn't able help them to his full capacity only made him feel worse…especially since Natasha got hurt. Not physically but mentally.
Watching Natasha now only made Laura wonder how exactly the rest of the Avengers would get passed this. It would take time and support. They wouldn't heal now, not until Ultron was taken care of, then the process of healing could begin. Even then you wouldn't be able to tell if they were healing. They always had a way of putting on a mask. One where it wasn't used to save the world but to reassure the ones you loved that everything was okay. Luckily for her Clint gave up in trying hiding anything from her. She wasn't sure if the others had someone and she thought Bruce would be there for Natasha but seeing her out there alone, Laura wasn't so sure anymore.
"She'll be okay," she finally said.
She wasn't sure who she was trying to reassure Clint or herself.
"Normally I would believe you but I know Natasha well enough to know this isn't going to go away anytime soon," Clint said not bothering in lying to her.
"Hey," Laura said leaning towards him and grabbing his knee and for the first time since she arrived he looked up to her. She could see the worry he had for her just like he saw it on her face.
Laura never was worried about her relationship with Clint when he first introduced her to Natasha. Sure there was a short moment of jealousy but what woman wouldn't be jealous of the fiery red head. After all Natasha never made any move towards Clint and she herself have told her that she thinks of Clint as the brother she never had.
"She's going to be okay," she reassured looking him in the eye.
"I promised her she wouldn't have to go through the pain of her past again," Clint said looking down.
"When she joined S.H.I.E.L.D and became my partner I told her I'll protect her," he said looking out the window again.
Laura smiled remembering perfectly the day Clint told her he took Natasha as a partner. He looked so sure of himself, so determined to give her the second chance he believed she deserved and she was proud of the man she's now married to.
"That she wouldn't have to worry about the KGB or Red Room and the nightmares would slowly go away, and I remember what she told me when I told her that," he said still looking out.
"What she say?" Laura asked curiously. She never heard this part of the story between Clint and Natasha.
"She told me: The past always has a way of coming back to bite you in the ass," He smiled remembering her snarky attitude towards him when he first met her.
"That does sound like her," Laura agreed.
"I just don't know how to help her," Clint admitted looking back down at his hands.
Ever since Budapest, Clint always knew how to help Natasha. What had and should be said to calm her or assure her, when he should comfort her, when he should distract her and now? Now he didn't know what to do and that bothered him. If he couldn't help his old partner how was he supposed to help the others? How was he ever going to be a father to his children?
"Maybe its time to step down and let someone else help her," Laura suggested obvious to his other worries.
"Yeah like who?" Clint asked looking out again.
He noted that Natasha now had her knees to her chest, her head on her knees and by her shoulder movement she was starting to hyperventilate. The nightmares were staring to come to life for her and he knew he should be prepared to jump up and run down to her if she started to get worse.
"Bruce?" Laura suggested glancing out the window and back at him.
Clint couldn't help it. He honestly couldn't even if he tried. He laughed.
"What, what's so funny?" she asked shocked by his response to her suggestion. She honestly thought Nat and Bruce were a thing by the way the way they acted around each other.
Clint laughed as he shook his head trying to get his head around on why his wife was so sure that Nat had a thing for Bruce.
Clint's laughter turned to chuckles, glancing at his wife before he looked down and saw someone else making their way towards Natasha. Someone Clint knew was going to go to her.
"Bruce and Nat will never work out, no matter what you see between them it will never go any further than a few months," he said smiling towards her.
"Oh really, why are you so sure they won't work out?" Laura challenged crossing her arms and sitting back glaring at him.
He smirked over at her looked out again and upon seeing both still alive and unhurt proved his theory that he's had since New York.
"Because of him," Clint nodded towards the window and confused, Laura uncrossed her arms and leaned towards the window to look at the supposed reason as to why Bruce and Nat would never go far.
Steve Rogers.
From what Laura saw the super soldier was standing a few feet away from Nat before he ever so slowly approached her 'till he was standing next to her, looking down at her. Laura watched in fascination as he took a seat next to her completely unafraid. Even from here, Laura saw the way Nat tensed when he gently placed a hand on her shoulder but she gasped when Nat placed her head into Steve's shoulder and uncurled herself to hug into Steve who moved closer to her and placed his arm around her shoulders holding Natasha close. Even with their backs turned to her, Laura could tell Steve was telling Nat something, it was an intuition that was proved correct when she saw Nat no longer tense by the shaking of her head Laura knew she was telling Steve something.
By the way they acted this wasn't the first time they comforted the other. Nor would it be the last.
"But, I thought…" Laura was at a lost for words as she continued watching the scene between the two.
"That's why I never retired from S.H.I.E.L.D," Clint said out of nowhere making Laura look at him not knowing where he was going.
"You once asked why I won't retire from S.H.I.E.L.D a long time ago, do you remember that?" Clint asked facing her and looking her in the eye.
Of course she did. She asked thousands of times why he just won't store the arrows and quiver and quit and he would always change the subject or give the poor excuse that that was all he knew and that was his job since before they met. All she ever wanted was a true answer and it seemed today she would finally get it.
"Yeah," she whispered awaiting the answer she wanted desperately.
Clint swallowed suddenly feeling vulnerable. This would be the first time he would admit the reason to anybody whyhe never was able to retire and peacefully raise their children without the fear of him getting seriously hurt or worse…him not coming home at all.
"Because I couldn't leave her," he finally said once again looking down at her hands.
By the time he looked up at her he could see the confusion in there and he knew he had to explain.
"When I found Natasha she was only 18," He said nodding softly.
"I never met the Black Widow in Budapest, not even Natasha Romanoff but Natalia Romanova," Clint told her.
"Even back then I could tell all she wanted was a chance to prove that she wasn't what people make her out to be, and I felt this sense that I had to shield her and I wanted to give her the second chance she deserved," Clint said glancing up at her to find her smiling softly at him.
"So when she joined S.H.I.E.L.D I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't leave her because I felt she wouldn't be okay, I didn't trust anyone there to have her back on a mission, or to protect her, or to put her life before theirs, I just couldn't trust anyone to have her back and no matter how much I kept telling myself that I had to let her go…and after years of working together, of her getting everyone's respect, I still couldn't leave her because I just couldn't trust anyone, but now," Clint trailed off, looking down
"Now what?" Laura asked softly looking at him.
"Now I know I can trust someone," Clint stated looking back up and out the window where the soldier and spy where just sitting there.
Clint noted with pride that Natasha was no longer curled nor was she hyperventilating and he had the super soldier to thank for that.
"So does this mean you're retiring?" Laura asked feeling her hope rise.
"Not right now, the Avengers still need me and I can't leave them now," Clint sighed knowing or rather feeling she would ask him that after he told. But after what happened with the Twins and Ultron, he couldn't afford to leave them now. Not until Ultron was either split in half by Hulk or had an arrow in the eye, but Clint doubted the arrow would make much difference since Ultron was so to say a robot…maybe an electrocuting arrow would do it.
Laura smiled sadly. He was right they did need him and possible even the world too. But she also needed him. She could wait though. Sooner or later he would make her day by telling her exactly what she wanted to hear. Not today or tomorrow or maybe even a month later but he would say it. All she had to do was to wait until he was ready.
She sighed leaning back in her chair and watch Steve and Natasha.
Now that she thought about it, Natasha did seem to keep close to Steve when they arrived, not as close as she was to Clint but Natasha did seem to stay in the same room as him.
"When did Steve and Nat happen," she finally asked.
Clint could have laughed at the similarity her question posed to the one she asked him when they arrived. Only now it was about Steve instead of Bruce and now he could actually answer.
"Well, they worked together in New York, from what Nat told me he was actually the one to give her a boost onto one of those things the Chitari were riding," Clint said recounting the small smile Nat wore when she told him all about it.
"Really, I thought she just took the elevator," Laura laughed thinking exactly that went Clint told her Nat took a ride to get to the top. In her defense he never really did specify the type of ride Nat took.
"No, you know Nat, never one to let the guys have all the fun," Clint chuckled.
It was moments like this where he would miss being home, with his wife who always had a way of making him smile and laugh even when he's got too much going on, and his kids who were just the motivation he needed to make sure he came back home to them.
"What else?" Laura asked trying to calm down her laughs wanting to hear more about the two Avengers.
"They worked together along with someone else to bring down S.H.I.E.L.D or HYDRA or whatever it was down months ago," Clint said not really wanting to go into detail about it.
Truth be told, Laura didn't really want to either since the only thing that came to mind about that particular event was Clint's broken hearted look when he recounted to her on how the organization he's worked at for years was the one behind so many wars and tragedies.
"There's more," Laura said sensing there was more to the story than from what Clint was telling her so far. Steve must have done something that earned not only Clint's respect but his trust as well.
Clint breathed a chuckle at how well his wife knew him; it was scary of course since he knows he could and would never lie to her.
"Steve did something that earned your trust with Nat," she said knowingly.
"He did, he saved her life not once but twice and he trusted her despite her lying to him, and you and I both know how hard it is to trust someone who lied to you while everything around you is falling apart," Clint said looking her dead in the eye.
"Yeah, it's nice to know they weren't alone during that time since I suppose it wasn't easy on either of them," she said looking out the window.
Laura saw as Steve gently lay his own head against Nat's who still had hers in his shoulder.
"I have to say The Spy and The Soldier sounds better than The Spy and The Doctor," Laura said shyly making Clint smirk.
"Yeah," Clint agreed as he watched both Steve and Nat continue to sit outside despite it being dark out. He smiled when he saw Steve's arm still around her shoulder's and her hand in his and even with their backs still turned he could sense the small smiles on their faces. Together they can begin to heal. Not now but soon.
"So, is Robin Hood ready to help his lady Marian make dinner for their hungry kids and guests?" Laura teased turning from the window, also having witnessed the scene between the former S.H.I.E.L.D agents.
"Yep, his ass is starting to get tired of this chair," Clint joked getting up and wincing at the stiffening feeling.
"What do expect, it's a wooden chair, wooden chairs are an ass' nightmare!" Laura laughed as she got up too. She wasn't as stiff as Clint and for that she was grateful. Now she could tease him better while he walked around like he has an arrow up where the sun doesn't shine like she's threatened him in the past.
Laura walked to the doorway and turned around when she felt Clint wasn't following her. She was right. He was standing and looking out the window. She smiled gently knowing exactly what was holding him there.
"She's going to be okay," She reassured coming up behind him and hugging him around his middle.
"I see that now, it's just," Clint said looking down at her hands around his stomach.
"It's hard letting go I know," Laura began and Clint continued looking down feeling his heart drop hearing the words that he dreaded because he knew what they meant.
"Especially letting someone go, someone you've watched grow as a person and overcome so much and I know you love Nat as a sister, I do to and you're not the only one who doesn't want to see her go," Laura said smiling up at him.
"I know I have to let her go," Clint nodded feeling his breath harden at what he should say. What he should've said a long time ago.
"I just can't, I guess I still feel like she still needs me," Clint said feeling something prickling in his eyes. God, it better not be tears, if Nat or Tony saw them he would never hear the end of it.
"But she doesn't," Laura told him also feeling tears. She knows how hard it is for him. Letting Nat go wasn't just letting his partner go…but the life of a spy, an agent, and a sniper…an Avenger. It was closing a door to life he lived for so long he felt it was all he had. All he knew.
"She has him now," she nodded towards the window knowing he got the message.
"I look at her and I still see the girl I found, I should see the woman she is today and I do, it's just that I'm afraid if I leave her she'll need me and I won't be there for her," he whispered feeling the tears grow bigger. It's been so long since he last felt this…vulnerable but in front of Laura he didn't feel weak, he felt human.
"She's a strong woman Clint, and from what you just told me, Steve would protect her just like she'll protect him, they'll have each others back, just like you two had each others," Laura said.
It was one of those rare moments where she felt him lower his guards completely and be able to talk to her about everything without anything holding him back.
"I guess I just got so used to being the only constant man in her life, its hard knowing that I'm not anymore, she has Fury, Thor, Bruce, Tony even if she says she can't stand him I know she cares about him, and of course she has Steve," Clint said with a slight bitter tone and it wasn't because he has anything against them because he cares about them too.
"Through it all though she still has you," Laura assured him feeling him tense slightly.
"And she always will," Clint promised meaning it. He always keeps his promises especially towards the ones he cares about, to his family.
"It's time Clint," Laura softly told him.
Clint breathed a sigh glancing back at her before looking down again.
"I know," he finally said.
"Well come on, Katniss!" she joked thumping him in the shoulder.
Clint rolled his eyes. A friend of hers introduced her to the book series and upon discovering that the main protagonist was an exceptional archer, she would often tease him about it. It would be an absolute nightmare for him if she and Tony teamed up to name call him.
"You go ahead I'll be down in a second," Clint said detaching himself from her gently.
"You sure, I don't want to have to come back up here and treat you like a teenage girl suffering a breakup," Laura said trying to light the mood.
Clint laughed moving to hug her, well the best he could without squishing her large stomach.
"I just got to finish up something," Clint assured kissing the top of her head.
"Okay," Laura said unsurely as she moved to the door.
"Laura," Clint called after her.
"Yes?" she asked turning around wondering what was going on now.
"Love you," Clint said simply and sweetly meaning every word.
"Love you too," Laura smiled feeling this was his way of thanking her for not only talking to him but for being ere with him after all these years.
She gave him one more smile before she moved to start dinner. If from what she heard was true then she would have to have a lot of food prepared to feed the entire Avengers team.
Clint watched her leave before he pulled out a small spider charm. Natasha got him it on one of their first missions together as partners. He repaid her by getting her the arrow necklace she sometimes wore. It wasn't anything romantic but rather a way of having the other close when they needed them but they weren't there. He would always put it in his pocket or even somewhere in his quiver. He wasn't much of a necklace type nor a bracelet type but having it close was enough.
He looked from the charm to out the window where Steve was now helping Natasha up. He moved slightly away from the window knowing Natasha would kill him if she knew he was spying on her but he had to make sure.
He had a sideways view of them and he could see they were telling each other something. The reason he was so surprised when Laura brought up that Nat possibly had a thing for Bruce was because he's seen how she acts around Steve. If Steve thought Nat was relaxed around Bruce he should see the way she was around him. Carefree, happy, and after Nat told him what happened with the Winter Soldier, Clint could feel she felt safe with Steve, something she only felt with him.
Looking at them now Clint knew she was going to be okay. Without him she was going to move forward with her life…and so will he.
With a deep breath Clint put the charm in his pocket one last time. He knew what was going to happen after the whole thing with Ultron was taken care of. This would be the last time Clint accompanied Natasha on the battlefield. The time he would take down bad guys using the bow and arrows. The last time he walked out his front door as an Avenger. Laura was right. It was time to focus on more important things and after this his most important mission would be being a husband, raising his children and fixing the goddamn roof. It was time to hang up the bow and arrow, trade in the convertible for a dad van, quite spying on the bad guys and instead spy on the guys who would look at his daughter the same way he looks at Laura and the same way Steve looks at Nat (he wasn't really looking forward to that…come to think about it he would have to bring out the bow and arrows when she brought over…boy. Just the mere thought made him shiver).
He didn't know how Nat would react and he hoped it would be a good reaction, looks like he wouldn't have any other option but to tell her. He would be lying if he wasn't nervous to tell his partner of so many years that this would be his last mission with her…with them all.
"Laura's right, Nat," Clint said to himself looking down and stuffing his hands in his pockets, a small habit of his, he's had since he was just a kid growing up in the circus. He couldn't explain why he did it exactly only that it was comforting to him in a strange way.
"I can't keep being something that I'm getting too old to be," there he said it! He finally admitted that he just wasn't the man he was 10 years ago. He couldn't get up from bed anymore without cracking his aging muscles, he wasn't as flexible as he was when he first started and worse of all, and he couldn't find it in himself to put 100% in a mission. And that to him was a wake up call warning him that he had to stop or else he was going to get seriously hurt…or someone else would get hurt.
The looks of his teammates came back to his mind and he had to force them back, there was no time for that. He had to be strong for them all, for himself.
"I know I can leave without being worried about you because I know you'll be okay," he continued to himself.
He glanced back out and saw both of them slowly made their way back in.
"You'll be okay, Nat, I know you'll be okay without me," Clint smiled to himself.
He feels, knows she'll be okay. After everything they've gone through together, every mission, every conversation, every single moment has led up to this. The moment he knew he had to let her go so both could be happy.
The moment he saw her smile as she made her way back inside made him realize it was time.
She would be okay.
AN: Not sure how I did since its my first Avengers story and I apolagize if I got anything wrong. I don't know the full extent to Laura's and Clint's relationship but from what I saw they really do care about each other. Also I have nothing against the Bruce and Natasha romance, my shipping heart just decided to add more Romanogers and after seeing CA:TWS I just feel Steve would've at least said something to her. Hope you enjoyed and who knows maybe I'll add a sequel; like when Clint tells Natasha he's retiring or the conversation between Steve and Natasha, you guys can decide by leaving me a review.
PS: I'm sorry for possible OOC.
