Mass Effect Limericks

Blasto, the first Hanar Spectre
joined Shepard to fight the Collectors.
But his slimy wet skin
was what did him in
when he tried out his new Arc Projector.


Jane Shepard died floating in space.
Her ship got blown up in a chase.
This crushing defeat
I'm doomed to repeat
until I perfect her new face.


I once met a justicar's daughter.
Compared to her mom, she was hotter.
The mother I ditched,
and once they were switched,
none realized her daughter was not her.


With Kelly, I'd flirt and act witty.
Our growing romance made me giddy.
I thought it auspicious
when she fed my fishes –
so I, in return, fed her kitty.


I once knew a clan called the Urdnot.
For Krogan, they were an absurd lot.
To mess with their brains,
I gave them some Cains.
Since then, from the Urdnot, I've heard not.


Of scanning, I quickly got bored,
so my upgrades, I could not afford.
It tore Thane apart,
and touched Legion's heart,
and Jack was, quite literally, floored.


There once was a man from Akuze,
A renegade with a short fuse.
A reporter, Jilani,
asked a question too many,
so he, shall we say... broke her news.


I'm Shepard, and you can be sure
this merchant won't mistreat the poor.
Of all those who sell
in this Citadel,
this one is my favorite store.


I think my most favorite Quarian
has got to be Admiral Daro 'Xen.
Her small role's a shame…
do you think there's a game
where I'd get to hear her voice more/again?


I was bred with no visible flaw,
and just killed my first thresher maw.
Remember my slogan:
I am a pure Krogan,
and all of you should be in awe.


I once met a smuggler named Ish.
"Please go get my stuff", was his wish.
For a Mass Effect quest,
I was actually impressed -
beats talking to Krogan 'bout fish.


On Afterlife's lower dance floor,
a bartender gave me a pour.
Alas, he had drugged it,
so after I chugged it,
my head and my ego were sore.

Another round quickly was sold,
but this time the barkeep was told
to make this next batch
go down his own hatch.
Revenge is a drink best served cold.

Kasumi

With Kasumi I try to converse,
but alas, all her lines are so terse.
I loved the assault
we led on Hock's vault...
Now, how can I get into hers?


Each Mass Effect chick wants to do me,
except for the one called Kasumi.
From her I get nil –
just free drinks until
EDI points the restroom out to me.

Miranda

I've no more ill will towards Cerberus,
and no longer care if they're murderous.
My hatred subsided
the day they provided
the lovely Miranda to nurture us.


For two years, I was just meat and tubes.
Then Cerberus rebuilt my pubes.
It's Science I'm thanking
as I sit here spanking
to Ms. Lawson's engineered boobs.


Miranda and Jacob once were
both lovers, from what I infer.
How strange to realize
that line "but the PRIZE"
somehow must have once worked on her.


Oh Miri, your body's a wonder
whose booty I do love to plunder.
And sweet is your voice,
which makes me rejoice
when I hear it come from down under.

Jack

In each mission, Jack always tends
to die many times 'ere it ends.
Wish I could have chosen
to leave her ass frozen
and use her and Grunt as bookends.


I once met a gal with no hair.
Her tattoos were all she would wear.
While gaining her trust,
I gave in to lust
and pleasured her under the stair.


I rescued my love from the Purgatory,
and then helped her blow up a laboratory.
Now smiling with joy,
she lets me deploy
my Hammerhead into her territory.


She has tats of each color and shape,
and boobs that are held up by tape –
but the kinkiest fact
about my girl Jack:
the carpet's as short as the drapes.

Tali

Poor Tali's been coughing all day.
My crew asks if she is ok:
"It's from dust... when I went
through the Collectors' vent..."
she says, looking slyly my way.


Tali'Zorah came on to me shyly,
so last night I was humping her dryly.
At a critical juncture,
she got a suit puncture –
now her fever is running quite highly.


Tali'Zorah thought I was a hunk,
and came up to sleep in my bunk.
She leapt off her feet
like a Varren in heat,
pinning me 'neath her Quarian junk.


The night before Harbinger's base,
Ms. Tali came up to my place.
She jumped me bareheaded –
a move she regretted
when my Omni-Gel went in her face.


While taking a break from our duties,
my Tali and I, we knocked booties.
But seeing her suitless
was, in the end, fruitless –
she died from all my human cooties.

Samara

Samara is stubbornly sour.
regarding my offer to plow her.
"By my code, I abide -
your request is denied"…
Alas, I must take a cold shower.


Samara is dressed up the hottest.
Her clothing is sleek and immodest.
In Part Three one day,
I hope that I may
find peace in the embrace of that bodice.


Samara, I want you so badly.
"In another lifetime…" you say sadly.
My dear, if that's true,
Project Lazarus II
is something I would endure gladly.

Ashley

I once knew a gunnery chief
whose body was beyond belief.
On our way to the Conduit,
she let me get onto it –
after she saw me de-brief...


Ashley… she wanted me, utterly.
She longed to be chief of my gunnery.
So last night in my cabin,
– O Captain! My Captain! –
I gave her the chance to serve under me.

Liara

Liara helped Shepard review
what Prothean data she knew.
Melding with his mind,
she was then inclined
to meld with the rest of him too.


My lovely Liara, I wish you
had let me do more than just kiss you.
Alas, as it stands,
I'm left with my hands
and pics from this month's Fornax issue.


Oh, the azure's an interesting spectacle.
Each Asari has one quite identical.
Just like with their head,
there's no hair, but instead
the whole thing is covered with tentacles.


In a room full of dossiers and vids,
overwhelmed by investments and bids,
she dreams of a day
when we'll both run away
to a marriage and little blue kids.


I seduce every girl that I meet,
whether yeoman, or soldier elite;
genetically flawless
or tattooed and lawless;
even one from the Quarian fleet.

But to love, I was always immune,
'til her freckled blue face made me swoon.
The thought of her places
my poor heart in Stasis –
Liara, come back again soon.

Jacob

Jane Shepard was thrilled at the chance
to get in her man Jacob's pants.
She got to see way more
than just his fine Claymore
when she charted his Nubian Expanse.


Jacob Taylor... so fit and so trim.
Tonight, we'll make love, me and him.
I'll start at his Terminus,
enjoying its firmness –
then work my way towards his Far Rim.

A Trio

This evening, my gal has intentions
to show me her perfect dimensions.
In main engineering,
some room she'll be clearing
so we can have fun near the engines.

Oh keelah, they're using my station
for sexual gratification.
As I cry in my suit,
guess I'll go and reboot
that program for nerve stimulation.

I worked for two years to rebuild him –
and then, into romance I willed him.
Now that he's undressed,
at last I can test
those special parts with which I filled him.

Mass Effect 3

In ME2, when I began it,
I'd search eagerly for each planet.
Let's hope, in Part Three
each new world we see
will let us do more than just scan it.


When ME3 comes out next year.
I wonder whose voices we'll hear.
While it never gets stale
hearing Jennifer Hale,
I can't say the same for Mark Meer.


When Mass Effect 3 is announced,
I hope that the plot's more pronounced.
Each choice that we made,
the hours we played,
should lead to an outcome that counts.


When Mass Effect 3 is released,
I hope we will see, that at least
the devs give a crap
'bout a Citadel map
whose size is restored, or increased.


When Mass Effect 3 hits the shelves,
the Quarians may show themselves.
Now Bio, I'm loyal,
but it'd piss me off royal
ff you made them look like Night Elves.


When Mass Effect 3 is unfurled,
Ms. Vas Normandy is my girl.
I'll make her my spouse
and build her a house
somewhere on the Quarian world.

The Ballad of Shepard and Legion

As Shepard and Legion had talked,
A romance at last was unlocked.
Love was in effect,
with Shep's mass erect,
and Legion's platform overclocked

So, Shepard was careful and cautious:
"I'm not sure how to start this whole process".
Said loveable Legion,
"Check my nether region
where you'll find my own Geth Colossus".

Emboldened by his lover's candor,
John Shepard began to philander.
He bent down to rub
the active Geth hub,
as Legion cried "Shepard Commander!"

As she watched through a camera up high,
poor Tali, she started to cry.
She screamed as she lost it,
"That sick little Bosh'tet!
He's cheating on me… with an A.I.!"

Fin