Harry Potter was not a very religious person. Aside from Christmas and Easter, he didn't really deal with religion. The Dursleys weren't much for going to church, since Dudley would always complain how hot it was in the church and how he didn't like having to stand. And thus, the Dursleys didn't go to church. No doubt, however, that when the time would come they would be praying for God to save them.

It made Harry wonder why people even bothered saying they believed in God if they couldn't even make the time to worship Him. "God forgives all" was just an excuse, Harry always thought.

And so, for him, Christmas and Easter were just days he got off of school. Nothing more.

While he may not have been raised in a religious household, he, like any other young child, were told repeatedly by their parents not to talk to strangers. Which was why, as Harry sat on the swing set in the deserted park, he was wary when a young man in his thirties walked towards him. With long brown hair and a longer beard, clad in a white robe-type thing, he was definitely a sight; indeed, Harry was wondering why neighbors weren't peering out their windows to stare at him at him and the man, or why the police weren't coming down the street.

As the bearded man walked into the sand, Harry realized the man was wearing only a pair of thonged sandals, despite it being rather chilly for a day in August. And, Harry realized, the man wasn't leaving any footprints.

"W-who are you?" Harry asked, voice trembling. Was this man a Death Eater? Or some magical creature? Or was Harry simply hallucinating, all the stress that had accumulated over the years finally getting to him?

"Do not fear me, child," the man said kindly, reaching a hand out to gently cup Harry's face. "My name is Jesus Christ."

Raising an eyebrow skeptically, Harry jumped off the swing and backed away from the man. Perhaps the man was not magical. Perhaps the man was merely insane.

"Of course you are," Harry said, hand sliding into his pocket for his wand. Before he could take it out though, Jesus had appeared next to him and was grasping his wrist.

"Would you really hurt me, Harry?" Jesus asked, tone and expression sad. "I love you, don't you know? I love all the Lord's children."

And as Harry could feel his brain breaking, piece by little piece, he wondered if Voldemort had killed him and Harry just hadn't realized it this. Perhaps this was Hell...

"No, Harry. You're not going to Hell. I could never let Satan take one of the Lord's children. We love the children, Harry... Just as your neighbors love you..." Jesus said, his hand sliding down Harry's wrist to grasp his hand.

"But my neighbors don't-"

"Blasphemy! 'Love thy neighbor'! It's in the ten commandments!" Jesus exclaimed, interrupting Harry. Wrapping his arms around the fifteen-year-old, Jesus pet Harry's head with one hand as his other made sure Harry stayed in his hug. "Oh, you poor child... You feel so alone, don't you? But you're not alone, child! For God and I are always with you!"

His words went unheard, however, as Harry struggled to break free.

"Let go of me!" Harry cried. "I'll yell rape!"

Tsking sadly, Jesus sighed. "Oh, poor child... you need to learn the Lord's ways. Come, and I will show you the way."

And in the blink of the eye, Jesus teleported himself and Harry somewhere else.

Like Heaven.

Or Canada.


For the record -

I am agnostic and I am irreligious. Meaning I don't care much about religions. Thus, I don't know much about them. Please keep in mind that this is a crack!fic and thus not purposely trying to offend people.

I look forward to the one person who'll flame me and be all, "OMG JESUS IS NOT A PEDOPHILE!11 U PHAIL!1!" I know he isn't. This is in response to the scary fanfics where Jesus meets Harry.