The Hidden Lives of Hogwarts Teachers
A strange medley of stories I thought up while at my cousins' First Communion… Don't ask… Enjoy!
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters in this story. J. K. Rowling does. I just researched their secret lives! LoL.
The Hidden Life of
Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Hello. I am your host, The Bodiless Voice That Will Narrate For You. This is… THE HIDDEN LIVES OF HOGWARTS TEACHERS! Dun, dun, dun! Lightning, thunder! Mwahaha! Ahem. Well, in this series we will delve into the hidden lives of Hogwarts teachers, hence the title.
We start off with Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore. It is the summer holiday. Where could the headmaster of Hogwarts be? Ah, perhaps his office. Yes, let us go check there.
Dumbledore's office is easily the most fascinating in all of Hogwarts. The many knick-knacks crammed onto shelves, Fawkes the phoenix perched on his roost, the portraits of past headmasters hanging on the walls, and, of course, Dumbledore himself. At this moment, he is poring over a long roll of parchment on his desk. What could be written upon it? Let us take a closer look…but, alas! He has just rolled up the parchment and sealed it, placing the roll in his desk. Now Dumbledore is walking towards the fireplace. Ah, he has just picked up his pot of Floo powder. Shall we follow him? Yes? Good. Now, watch your step.
Oh, I hate traveling by Floo powder. It makes you so dizzy, doesn't it? Okay, make sure to catch your balance; we're coming up to the exit.
A dark and dingy room. Where could we be? Dumbledore is walking towards the oak door. Quickly! We can't lose him! Now we are on a deserted cobblestone street. Dumbledore is headed to the right and, of course, we are right behind him. Hmm… We have just emerged onto a busy street. Judging by the cars zooming around, I'd say we are in the Muggle world. Does Dumbledore—in his long, violet wizard robes and his face bedecked with the extensive, white beard—look out of place or what?
What is this? Dumbledore is turning into one of the Muggle places. It certainly is crowded in here… Oh, no! We have lost the headmaster in this crowd! Excuse me, excuse me. Sir, have you seen an elderly man with a long white beard? … No? Wait—Why are you running away? … Your mommy told you never to converse with bodiless voices? Oh, I see.
Where could Dumbledore be? I don't see him—What is going on? Everyone seems to be crowding towards the small stage in this place. A man is emerging from behind the curtains. He looks very…disturbing. Baggy jeans worn low, a pink t-shirt fifty sizes to large, dark shades hiding his eyes, a black cap sitting backwards over his white hair… Look at that bling-bling! He's wearing his large, diamond-studded "D" necklace over his long white beard. Merlin's beard! It's Dumbledore! What could he be doing here? And why is he in those clothes?
He has a microphone in his hand. He has just nodded to someone, and now music is playing. Strange beat. Sounds like the type of music Muggles call "rap."
Oh, my! Dumbledore… He's – He's starting to sing! Merlin, help us!
"Yo, yo, yo, I'm Dumbly D
I'm headmaster of H-School for Wizardry
I'm a wizard, fo sho, the best of 'em all
You need a spell, just give me a call
'Cause I'm Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D."
Merlin's beard! Dumbledore is dancing as well! He's crossing his arms, throwing his hands in the air, spinning around on the floor doing what I believe Muggles call "break dancing."
"Yo, yo, yo, I'm Dumbly D
The 'Great' Lord Voldemort's 'fraid of me
He terrorizes you Muggles, puts you to shame
Acting like it's all just a g-g-game!
But I'm Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D
I'll protect all you Muggles from dangerous V
You're not s'possed to know this, you mangy fleas,
So after this song I'll modify your memories
But for right now I'm Dumbly D
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D
Da-Da-Da-Da-Dumbly D!"
The song has ended…finally! Dumbledore is now taking a bow, his long beard brushing against the floor. The crowd is cheering, but confused looks are painted on everyone's faces. They are probably thinking, Who is this guy? Who's Voldemort? What are Muggles? Insane Dumbledore. What was he thinking, revealing the wizarding world's secrets to this group of Muggles?
Dumbledore is now taking his wand out of his pocket.
"My God, he's got a stick!" a man from the audience screams. "Get down!" As one, the crowd falls to the ground. A Muggle in a dark blue uniform who is carrying a black L-shaped object is stepping over people to get towards Dumbledore.
"It's okay, sir, Mr. Dumbly D," the man is saying. "Just put down the stick and no one will get hurt." Dumbledore is pointing his wand at the man. "I mean it! Sticks are classified as Evil Dangerous Weapons That Are A Danger For Living Beings. I don't know how you obtained that stick, but possessing one is enough to put you in jail for life." Dumbledore is still pointing his wand at the man.
"Obliviate," Dumbledore whispers. Instantly every mind in the room (excluding Dumbledore, of course) is erased. The people are standing up now with dazed expressions on their faces.
"Thank you, my homies!" Dumbledore exclaims to the confused crowd. "I'll be back tomorrow dawg! Fo shizzle!" Dumbledore is now stepping back behind the curtain, presumably to change back into his wizarding robes. I think we should go now…
Well, that was enlightening, wasn't it? We now know in his spare time, Dumbledore is what Muggles call a "rapper," a real "gangsta." Really…interesting. I would have never guessed the respectable Albus Dumbledore is really a rapper called Dumbly D!
Thank you for joining me on my mission to discover THE HIDDEN LIVES OF HOGWARTS TEACHERS! Dun, dun, dun! Lightning, thunder! Mwahaha! Join me next time, when we follow Professor Minerva McGonagall and discover what her hidden life is all about. Until we meet again!
A/N: Okay, that was the first chapter. Please don't criticize Dumbledore's song too much. I stink at poetry/rap! Coming up next: The Hidden Life of Professor Minerva McGonagall!
