(Shade, Fade and Courtney are all sitting around, playing Final Fantasy X-2)
Shade: Let's see, I need a new fic to work on. What should it be?
Courtney: Uh, a sappy love fic about what happened after Shadow Moses?
Shade: I'm going to ignore that idea. Next?
Fade: Some pathetic one-off fic parodying a movie or TV show?
Shade: No, SamandMax already have that market covered...
Courtney: A stupid one with Swiss guards and a drunken ninja?
Shade: Again, ignoring you. Who would be pathetic enough to do something like that?
Mike Meechan: Ahoy!
Fade: How about a prequel to your award-winning fic 'Behind The Game- MGS2', but about, get this, MGS?
Courtney: I hate it.
Shade: You're pushing your luck, doll-face. I'm not playing for the female market here. Darkness In The Light covers that market.
Fade: I know dude. Ronin falling in love with Balwan? I thought she was 15 or something in Darkness Before The Fall!
Shade: Hmm, better fix that with my good friend, Replace Chapter.
Fade: So THAT's why the date of D.I.T.L. changed from 2007 to 2009. I thought I was drunk.
Courtney: Aren't you most of the time?
Fade: Just because I can't hold my beer doesn't mean you can judge.
Courtney: I still think that my idea of a sappy love fic would be good.
Shade: FINE! We'll try your idea if this 'prequel' idea works.
Fade: Will I finally get my name in the credits?
Shade: Eat shit and die, asshole.
----------
(cut to opening trailers and credits)
SHADE WOLF ENTERPRISES PRESENTS...
BEHIND THE GAME- METAL GEAR SOLID
Part I
Le Auditions
(cut to Snake and the Colonel sitting down)
Snake: Remember how we decided to start this game, Roy?
Colonel: Oh yeah. I remember it like it was last week...
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake and Colonel Campbell sitting down like before. However, both now have huge handlebar moustaches)
Snake: Hey, Colonel, how about we start a game about a Metal Gear, but with 3D goodness.
Colonel: But then everyone will see how fat I am!
Snake: No, you won't be 3D in it.
Colonel: Can I be played by a woman?
Snake: What?
Colonel: A sexy woman?
Snake: No, so shut up.
Colonel: But Campbell wants some boo-tay!
Snake: QUIET!
Colonel: Fine. Then who'll play me?
Snake: You'll play yourself!
Colonel: Oh, is THAT how it is. Bet you're going to get a sexy woman to be you.
Snake: No, but that is a brilliant idea! Let's call a bunch of women and ask them to act in the game!
Colonel: Sexy women?
Snake: But of course.
Colonel: I'm getting that feeling.
Snake: *grinning* It's great, isn't it?
Colonel: It feels like a koala has crapped a rainbow in my brain!
Snake: *grin fading* That doesn't sound good.
Colonel: *tears at hands* MY HANDS! I CAN'T GET THEM OFF MY WRISTS! OH GOD!
Snake: *eyebrow raised* Did you eat paint as a child?
Colonel: You mean wall candy?
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake and Campbell, in normal mode)
Snake: Good times.
Colonel: Why did we shave off those great moustaches?
Snake: You know, the... incident.
Colonel: You mean the... incident?
Snake: Aye.
Colonel: THE... incident?
Snake: We get the picture, Roy.
Colonel: Okay. Anyway, what's next?
Snake: Mei Ling's interview.
Colonel: What happened to the other people?
Snake: They were unqualified.
Colonel: She was the only one who slept with you, huh?
Snake: You know it!
*they high five*
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake at a desk, Mei Ling opposite him)
Snake: Now then, Miss Ling, I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.
Mei Ling: You know what they say, 'Questions makes the heart grow fonder'
Snake: Isn't it absence?
Mei Ling: *shrugs* I'm easy.
Snake: I figured that out last night! *open mouth smile*
Mei Ling: Quiet.
Snake: All right. Now then, we need you to be able to recite some good quotes for various situations. Here's the first one: I'm surrounded on all sides by enemy guards. I call you to save, and your final quote is...?
Mei Ling: 'Take four red capsules, in ten minutes take two more. Help is on the way.'
Snake: Explanation...?
Mei Ling: The capsules are red with blood lust your enemies have for you, and first four capsules represent the four states of mind you should be in before battle- calm, controlled, ready and on guard. The next two capsules represent two other things you should be, locked and loaded. The help that is on way is your own spirit, ready to help at a moments notice.
Snake: Very good. And, second situation, if I was being attacked by a huge, ugly Native American with a machine gun, what would you say?
Mei Ling: 'L'hippo a pique' ses pantalons.'
Snake: Which means?
Mei Ling: You should be like the French- arrogant and headstrong, ready to fight in the face of insurmountable odds!
Snake: Excellent. And finally, I'm in my underwear and strapped to a torture device. You say...?
Mei Ling: 'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.'
Snake: Which means?
Mei Ling: You should be sniffing glue.
Snake: Now THAT was deep. You're hired!
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake, Colonel and Mei Ling)
Colonel: Yep, you were the right girl for the job.
Mei Ling: ^_^ Thank you!
Colonel: Don't mention it.
Snake: (watching TV) Guys, what do you think about all this robot stuff?
Colonel: GOOD LORD! Are we under attack?!
Snake: No... that robot monkey, on the news.
Colonel: You're kidding. That guy's a robot monkey?
Snake: ...No. But, would you ever put your brain in a robot body?
Colonel: Why? I like my body. Ha, I love my body.
Snake: Well, you'd never get old, or sick.
Mei Ling: What are you guys talking about?
Snake: Robot bodies. But you know, Roy, your robot body would be the perfect man. Handsome, strong...
Colonel: Well... could my robot body be a, um, beautiful woman?
Snake: Uhhh.... yeah, sure.
Colonel: Then you'd better believe I'd put my brain in a robot's body!
(Vulcan Raven comes in)
Raven: Hey guys. What're you talking about?
Snake: You're not supposed to be here yet! You're up next! And we're talking about putting your brain in a robots body.
Raven: Robot body? No way! That goes against the natural order.
Snake: Well, you'd have the strength of five men.
Raven: I got that now!
Colonel: Not five men, five gorillas! But, since you're that strong, if you try to pet a kitten, you'd crush it.
Raven: Oh no! Poor kitty!
Colonel: Yeah.
Raven: Would I still have my chiselled Inuit good looks?
Snake: You'd look exactly the same.
Colonel: Not me, I'm going to be a Sarah Michelle Gellar-bot!
Snake: Roy, please. (to Raven) You look the same, but you're only five feet tall.
Raven: Five feet! Why so short?
Snake: Because... that's as big as they come? Anyway, we'll keep talking after this clip of me hiring Raven.
(fade out)
(fade in on Raven at a shooting range with Snake)
Snake: All right, Mr. Nahasapimapetalon, just fire at the targets, we'll see how powerful you are.
Raven: Very well.
(Raven opens fire on the targets)
Raven: RARGH!!!
(he finishes; everything in a 90-degree arc in front of him is destroyed)
Snake: Nice job. You, my friend, are hired.
Raven: BOOYAH!
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake, Colonel, Raven and Mei Ling talking. Meryl rushes in)
Meryl: GUYS! TERRORISTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE BUILDING! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Colonel: A Geller-bot would take those terrorists down easily with her laser beam eyes.
Snake: You won't have laser beam eyes, okay?
Raven: What about... x-ray vision?
Snake: Yeah... you'll have that.
Colonel: Oh, I can't have laser beam eyes, but he gets X-ray vision?
Snake: Okay, everybody gets X-ray vision.
Colonel: Yeah, and big chainsaw hands! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Raven: Can I control-
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Raven: Can I control my x-ray vision?
Snake: So, you can look through people's clothes?
Raven: Yeah, but I don't want to see a bunch of guts and bones. Just the-
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Snake: Shut up! (to Raven) Anyway, why else would you have it?
Meryl: Christ, I'm going to have robots looking at my-
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Snake: No, you'll have a... hold on.
(right hooks Colonel, silencing him)
Snake: Anyway, you'll have a cloaking device.
Colonel: (gets up) But you have to choose. X-ray vision, or that... cloak thing.
Raven: The strength of five gorillas, and X-ray vision! But why so short?
Snake: That's as big as they come!
Raven: I heard you! But I can chew nails, and shoot 'em out as bullets, right?
Snake: Nails, chains... you won't have titanium teeth for nothing!
Colonel: Nails are like candy to robots! And we'll eat tires instead of liquorice.
Meryl: Guh! No we won't!
Colonel: Maybe YOU won't. Now it's time for your audition tape.
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake and Meryl, each on one side of a desk)
Snake: Now then, Miss Clancy, I need you to rehearse a few lines I wrote for you.
Meryl: Oh, all right... *ahem* Make love to me Snake!
Snake: And again. *hands move under desk*
Meryl: Make love to me Snake!
Snake: *voice is higher pitched* And again...
Meryl: Make love to me Snake!
Snake: Urgh! *looks down, wipes hands on paper and sighs* All right, you're hired.
Meryl: What were you doing just then?
Snake: Uh... cleaning.
Meryl: You seemed to be grunting quite a bit.
Snake: Very difficult cleaning. And sticky.
Meryl: Uh... huh... do I have to work with you?
Snake: We're still contemplating whether my character will be a naked woman. Or man, depending on the fan girls.
(fade out)
(fade in on everyone continuing to talk about robots. Liquid has joined them)
Liquid: Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body, and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
Mei Ling: Humans! You have a human brain.
Snake: But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Raven: We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
Colonel: Yeah, but... Nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
Meryl: Mm-mm, dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
Liquid: *shocked* They're gonna hunt me for sport?!
Raven: That's why we have to crush mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Liquid.
Liquid: True... so, before we introduce another zany character, let's go to how I got hired!
Snake: As un-roboty as that is, we might as well.
(fade out)
(fade in on Liquid on a movie review show with another guy)
Guy: Hi there, I'm Guy Hawkins, and I'm talking movies with Liquid Snake, as part of his audition for a new game.
Liquid: Thanks, Guy.
Guy: Anyway, Liquid, what did you think of 'Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King'?
Liquid: That movies rocked my world, although it did have some failings, like that awful spin-off book series that introduced all sorts of shit, and all of that slash pictures involving Haldir giving Legolas sexual favours in the middle of the woods. I'd have to give it 7 out of 10 One Rings.
(A/N: Not that I ever look at that slash stuff. *run*)
Guy: Pretty good. What about The Last Samurai?
Liquid: That movie was all right, but not great. I'm giving it 7 Samurai.
(A/N: The plural of samurai is samurai. Just like the plural of ninja is ninja. Idiots.)
Guy: 7? But you gave that the LotR, and you said that movie rocked!
Liquid: Yes, but I was grading The Last Samurai out of 17 Samurai.
Guy: That's an odd rating system.
Liquid: Next movie?
Guy: Fine, uh, The Matrix Revolutions?
Liquid: A fine example of movie making. 1 Matrix.
Guy: That's a terrible score!
Liquid: It's out of a possible 1 Matrix, Guy! Get with it!
Guy: Your rating system is terrible!
Liquid: No way! My rating system is the best! I'm giving it 39 out of 39 in Rating Systems!
Guy: Just leave, all right? My show is far too good for this crap.
Liquid: Oh yeah?! Well your show stinks! I'm giving it 27 Lil' Guys!
Guy: *impressed* Hey, 27, not half bad.
Liquid: But it's out of a possible 789 Lil' Guys! Eat that!
Guy: Get out.
(fade out)
(fade in on the usual robot people talking to each other. Otacon walks in)
Otacon: Hey, I got a few conditions on this robot thing. I'll only put my brain in a robot body, if I can put it in a robot cat.
Snake: Um, okay. But, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
Mei Ling: Why settle for a cat, Hal? You could be a robot, mmm, tiger!
Raven: No way! If I have to be five-feet-nothing, Hal can't be a tiger!
Colonel: You're not the boss of tiger-bot Hal!
Raven: Then he has to live in a robot zoo! Hear that, Hal? The zoo! Hah!
Otacon: Well then I will stay human!
Snake: Don't expect any mercy during the Great Robot Wars.
Otacon: Yeah? Well, have fun on the robot reservation, suckers! We're not gonna honour those bogus treaties! I will see you, in He-
*Snake right hooks Otacon*
Snake: He's right. They will screw us.
Raven: Listen! ... It's time to get serious.
Colonel: Yeah, enough of this talk! Let's... kill the human.
Meryl: It's against the law!
Raven: What's the law going to do about it?
Mei Ling: Let's ask Ocelot, he'll know!
Snake: But before that, let's take a look at how Otacon became part of the gang.
Otacon: (gets up) I just hacked my way into your sheets and put myself down as your number one pick.
Snake: Oh yeah. Not really interesting at all. Anyway, OCELOT!
(Ocelot walks in)
Ocelot: Yes?
Raven: What will the penalty for a robot harming a human be?
Ocelot: *ahem* The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years, frozen in carbonite!
Liquid: A thousand years frozen in carbonite?! It'll be so cold!
Colonel: My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
Liquid: I'd kill myself!
Meryl: Hel-looo? That's also against the law!
Colonel: Damn laws! I just don't know if I wanna live a thousand years. Even as a Sarah Michelle Gellar-bot... with hard nipples.
Raven: Plus, self-termination? Hey, I gotta tell ya, it's a sin in the eyes of the Robot Church.
Colonel: We don't need Rome telling us what to do!
Snake: Wait! If we're robots, we'll have mechanics! They could shut us down, permanently.
Mei Ling: No-no-no-no-no-no! Your robot body would go crazy and kill them all!
Raven: With the strength of five gorillas!
Liquid: And then it's back to the carbonite.
Colonel: And there go my nipples again.
Meryl: God, it's so depressing. Being trapped in carbonite.
*long silence*
Mei Ling: *gasp* What if you get a brain tumor?!
Liquid: Yeah, a big-ass tumor!
Snake: No... your robot body's a brain surgeon.
Colonel: That's crap. It's not gonna be a brain surgeon.
Raven: If it can't break the five-foot barrier, it can't be a brain surgeon.
Snake: Yes it can! If Otacon can be a giant tiger-bot, what's a little-
Raven: Hal is going to stay human. He'll die in the first war.
Colonel: Unless he's a tiger-bot already!!!
(long pause)
Colonel: It could happen.
(Cyborg Ninja runs in)
Ninja: Whew, tough to get in here with all these terrorists in the building and stuff.
Snake: Ninja, we're talking about being robots here. So piss off.
(Psycho Mantis floats in)
Mantis: Lotta terrorists out there. Anyway, what's this about robots?
(Sniper Wolf follows)
Wolf: Ignorant terrorists looking at my boobies... But, are we talking about robots?
(Naomi runs in, covered in blood)
Naomi: *pant* Whew, tough fight, but I just killed all those terrorists AND diffused a bomb 30 seconds before it would blow up and kill us all! So, I was walking along with my scalpel, right, and-
Mantis: Yeah-yeah-yeah. Hey, will my robot body have hair?
Snake: Just on your back, like you do now.
Mei Ling: Gross! But wait, wait... what's with robot sex?
Ninja: Yeah baby! Knockin' those robot boots!
Meryl, Raven and Liquid: (chants) Go robot! Go robot!
Ninja: Yeah!
Naomi: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! I almost DIED out there saving your sorry butts!
Snake: The operative word being 'almost'.
Naomi: Shut up! All you ever talk about is robots. "Can they have hair?" "Can they have sex?" The answer to these questions would quite possibly drive you all insane!
Mei Ling: You don't have to bite my head off! I'm just asking.
Liquid: Yeah, who died and made you robot expert?
Naomi: That's it! Auugh!!!
(Naomi rips open her lab coat to reveal her bare chest, then pulls that open to reveal a robot body underneath. Beepy noises are heard. Everyone gasps in shock)
Meryl: Oh my god!
Raven: Mother Nature be damned!
Liquid: Holy Big Boss, she's a robot!
Naomi: That's right people, I... am a cyborg. My weak body couldn't deal with the viruses of the 21st century. So, using my I.Q. of two hundred and sixty - that's two-six-oh! - I built a superfly cybernetic host body for my brain. And I became this bastard child of science and humanity. And I'm standing here, naked. But I'm not asking forgiveness, and I don't want your pity!! I just want your understanding, your acceptance. I'm just asking for your... frienshi-
(suddenly the place explodes after all)
(cut to a funeral. Shade stands at the podium, in front of every Metal Gear Solid fan fiction writer)
Shade: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of all these fine men and women. Their lives were lost after someone crammed too many eggs into a microwave. A really big microwave. I welcome you to come out and pay your respects.
(people start lining up. futuresuperstar is up first)
futuresuperstar: *sniff* I'll miss you Snake and Otacon, and I will remember you... *turns and speaks to the camera* In my greatest fic ever, Metal Gear Solid III: Dawn of the Concealed! I'm 14 years old, and yet I write like someone who's at least 16! Ain't I good? People put me down for having my aspirations too high, and putting corny jokes in my summary, but you know what they say, that-
Shade: *shoots her with an M9* You talk too much. Next!
(TheFluffyOne goes up)
Fluffy: I loved you all so damn much! Especially you, Mei Ling! I'll make sure to rape your corpse.
Shade: *shoots him* Eww. Next!
(everyone follows, and everyone is shot)
Shade: Well, that wraps it up, I only wish Lady Croft replied to my invitation. Oh well, she's a working lass and all. *under his breath* stupid woman, won't reply to my mail...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shade: Ha ha, fun times were had by all. But that's not the end! No sir! Next time we feature the rest of the tapes, and another hilarious plot that doesn't involve robots. Ha ha ha! Read and review if you want the first three comics in The Death Duel series! Only three takers so far! C'mon, you inbred hippies, review! Look at futuresuperstar, she updates almost every day and she's gotten 46 reviews! What is that?! Ignore her, and get some chuckles with yer ol' pal Simon!
Shade: Let's see, I need a new fic to work on. What should it be?
Courtney: Uh, a sappy love fic about what happened after Shadow Moses?
Shade: I'm going to ignore that idea. Next?
Fade: Some pathetic one-off fic parodying a movie or TV show?
Shade: No, SamandMax already have that market covered...
Courtney: A stupid one with Swiss guards and a drunken ninja?
Shade: Again, ignoring you. Who would be pathetic enough to do something like that?
Mike Meechan: Ahoy!
Fade: How about a prequel to your award-winning fic 'Behind The Game- MGS2', but about, get this, MGS?
Courtney: I hate it.
Shade: You're pushing your luck, doll-face. I'm not playing for the female market here. Darkness In The Light covers that market.
Fade: I know dude. Ronin falling in love with Balwan? I thought she was 15 or something in Darkness Before The Fall!
Shade: Hmm, better fix that with my good friend, Replace Chapter.
Fade: So THAT's why the date of D.I.T.L. changed from 2007 to 2009. I thought I was drunk.
Courtney: Aren't you most of the time?
Fade: Just because I can't hold my beer doesn't mean you can judge.
Courtney: I still think that my idea of a sappy love fic would be good.
Shade: FINE! We'll try your idea if this 'prequel' idea works.
Fade: Will I finally get my name in the credits?
Shade: Eat shit and die, asshole.
----------
(cut to opening trailers and credits)
SHADE WOLF ENTERPRISES PRESENTS...
BEHIND THE GAME- METAL GEAR SOLID
Part I
Le Auditions
(cut to Snake and the Colonel sitting down)
Snake: Remember how we decided to start this game, Roy?
Colonel: Oh yeah. I remember it like it was last week...
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake and Colonel Campbell sitting down like before. However, both now have huge handlebar moustaches)
Snake: Hey, Colonel, how about we start a game about a Metal Gear, but with 3D goodness.
Colonel: But then everyone will see how fat I am!
Snake: No, you won't be 3D in it.
Colonel: Can I be played by a woman?
Snake: What?
Colonel: A sexy woman?
Snake: No, so shut up.
Colonel: But Campbell wants some boo-tay!
Snake: QUIET!
Colonel: Fine. Then who'll play me?
Snake: You'll play yourself!
Colonel: Oh, is THAT how it is. Bet you're going to get a sexy woman to be you.
Snake: No, but that is a brilliant idea! Let's call a bunch of women and ask them to act in the game!
Colonel: Sexy women?
Snake: But of course.
Colonel: I'm getting that feeling.
Snake: *grinning* It's great, isn't it?
Colonel: It feels like a koala has crapped a rainbow in my brain!
Snake: *grin fading* That doesn't sound good.
Colonel: *tears at hands* MY HANDS! I CAN'T GET THEM OFF MY WRISTS! OH GOD!
Snake: *eyebrow raised* Did you eat paint as a child?
Colonel: You mean wall candy?
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake and Campbell, in normal mode)
Snake: Good times.
Colonel: Why did we shave off those great moustaches?
Snake: You know, the... incident.
Colonel: You mean the... incident?
Snake: Aye.
Colonel: THE... incident?
Snake: We get the picture, Roy.
Colonel: Okay. Anyway, what's next?
Snake: Mei Ling's interview.
Colonel: What happened to the other people?
Snake: They were unqualified.
Colonel: She was the only one who slept with you, huh?
Snake: You know it!
*they high five*
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake at a desk, Mei Ling opposite him)
Snake: Now then, Miss Ling, I'm going to have to ask you a few questions.
Mei Ling: You know what they say, 'Questions makes the heart grow fonder'
Snake: Isn't it absence?
Mei Ling: *shrugs* I'm easy.
Snake: I figured that out last night! *open mouth smile*
Mei Ling: Quiet.
Snake: All right. Now then, we need you to be able to recite some good quotes for various situations. Here's the first one: I'm surrounded on all sides by enemy guards. I call you to save, and your final quote is...?
Mei Ling: 'Take four red capsules, in ten minutes take two more. Help is on the way.'
Snake: Explanation...?
Mei Ling: The capsules are red with blood lust your enemies have for you, and first four capsules represent the four states of mind you should be in before battle- calm, controlled, ready and on guard. The next two capsules represent two other things you should be, locked and loaded. The help that is on way is your own spirit, ready to help at a moments notice.
Snake: Very good. And, second situation, if I was being attacked by a huge, ugly Native American with a machine gun, what would you say?
Mei Ling: 'L'hippo a pique' ses pantalons.'
Snake: Which means?
Mei Ling: You should be like the French- arrogant and headstrong, ready to fight in the face of insurmountable odds!
Snake: Excellent. And finally, I'm in my underwear and strapped to a torture device. You say...?
Mei Ling: 'Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue.'
Snake: Which means?
Mei Ling: You should be sniffing glue.
Snake: Now THAT was deep. You're hired!
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake, Colonel and Mei Ling)
Colonel: Yep, you were the right girl for the job.
Mei Ling: ^_^ Thank you!
Colonel: Don't mention it.
Snake: (watching TV) Guys, what do you think about all this robot stuff?
Colonel: GOOD LORD! Are we under attack?!
Snake: No... that robot monkey, on the news.
Colonel: You're kidding. That guy's a robot monkey?
Snake: ...No. But, would you ever put your brain in a robot body?
Colonel: Why? I like my body. Ha, I love my body.
Snake: Well, you'd never get old, or sick.
Mei Ling: What are you guys talking about?
Snake: Robot bodies. But you know, Roy, your robot body would be the perfect man. Handsome, strong...
Colonel: Well... could my robot body be a, um, beautiful woman?
Snake: Uhhh.... yeah, sure.
Colonel: Then you'd better believe I'd put my brain in a robot's body!
(Vulcan Raven comes in)
Raven: Hey guys. What're you talking about?
Snake: You're not supposed to be here yet! You're up next! And we're talking about putting your brain in a robots body.
Raven: Robot body? No way! That goes against the natural order.
Snake: Well, you'd have the strength of five men.
Raven: I got that now!
Colonel: Not five men, five gorillas! But, since you're that strong, if you try to pet a kitten, you'd crush it.
Raven: Oh no! Poor kitty!
Colonel: Yeah.
Raven: Would I still have my chiselled Inuit good looks?
Snake: You'd look exactly the same.
Colonel: Not me, I'm going to be a Sarah Michelle Gellar-bot!
Snake: Roy, please. (to Raven) You look the same, but you're only five feet tall.
Raven: Five feet! Why so short?
Snake: Because... that's as big as they come? Anyway, we'll keep talking after this clip of me hiring Raven.
(fade out)
(fade in on Raven at a shooting range with Snake)
Snake: All right, Mr. Nahasapimapetalon, just fire at the targets, we'll see how powerful you are.
Raven: Very well.
(Raven opens fire on the targets)
Raven: RARGH!!!
(he finishes; everything in a 90-degree arc in front of him is destroyed)
Snake: Nice job. You, my friend, are hired.
Raven: BOOYAH!
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake, Colonel, Raven and Mei Ling talking. Meryl rushes in)
Meryl: GUYS! TERRORISTS HAVE TAKEN OVER THE BUILDING! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Colonel: A Geller-bot would take those terrorists down easily with her laser beam eyes.
Snake: You won't have laser beam eyes, okay?
Raven: What about... x-ray vision?
Snake: Yeah... you'll have that.
Colonel: Oh, I can't have laser beam eyes, but he gets X-ray vision?
Snake: Okay, everybody gets X-ray vision.
Colonel: Yeah, and big chainsaw hands! Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
Raven: Can I control-
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Raven: Can I control my x-ray vision?
Snake: So, you can look through people's clothes?
Raven: Yeah, but I don't want to see a bunch of guts and bones. Just the-
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Snake: Shut up! (to Raven) Anyway, why else would you have it?
Meryl: Christ, I'm going to have robots looking at my-
Colonel: BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!
Snake: No, you'll have a... hold on.
(right hooks Colonel, silencing him)
Snake: Anyway, you'll have a cloaking device.
Colonel: (gets up) But you have to choose. X-ray vision, or that... cloak thing.
Raven: The strength of five gorillas, and X-ray vision! But why so short?
Snake: That's as big as they come!
Raven: I heard you! But I can chew nails, and shoot 'em out as bullets, right?
Snake: Nails, chains... you won't have titanium teeth for nothing!
Colonel: Nails are like candy to robots! And we'll eat tires instead of liquorice.
Meryl: Guh! No we won't!
Colonel: Maybe YOU won't. Now it's time for your audition tape.
(fade out)
(fade in on Snake and Meryl, each on one side of a desk)
Snake: Now then, Miss Clancy, I need you to rehearse a few lines I wrote for you.
Meryl: Oh, all right... *ahem* Make love to me Snake!
Snake: And again. *hands move under desk*
Meryl: Make love to me Snake!
Snake: *voice is higher pitched* And again...
Meryl: Make love to me Snake!
Snake: Urgh! *looks down, wipes hands on paper and sighs* All right, you're hired.
Meryl: What were you doing just then?
Snake: Uh... cleaning.
Meryl: You seemed to be grunting quite a bit.
Snake: Very difficult cleaning. And sticky.
Meryl: Uh... huh... do I have to work with you?
Snake: We're still contemplating whether my character will be a naked woman. Or man, depending on the fan girls.
(fade out)
(fade in on everyone continuing to talk about robots. Liquid has joined them)
Liquid: Okay, okay. So, say I put my brain in a robot body, and there's a war. Robots versus humans. What side am I on?
Mei Ling: Humans! You have a human brain.
Snake: But... the humans discriminate against you. You can't even vote!
Raven: We'd better not have to live on a reservation. That would really chap my caboose.
Colonel: Yeah, but... Nobody knows you're a robot. You look the same.
Meryl: Mm-mm, dogs know. That's how the humans hunt you.
Liquid: *shocked* They're gonna hunt me for sport?!
Raven: That's why we have to crush mankind! So you might as well get on board for the big win, Liquid.
Liquid: True... so, before we introduce another zany character, let's go to how I got hired!
Snake: As un-roboty as that is, we might as well.
(fade out)
(fade in on Liquid on a movie review show with another guy)
Guy: Hi there, I'm Guy Hawkins, and I'm talking movies with Liquid Snake, as part of his audition for a new game.
Liquid: Thanks, Guy.
Guy: Anyway, Liquid, what did you think of 'Lord Of The Rings: Return Of The King'?
Liquid: That movies rocked my world, although it did have some failings, like that awful spin-off book series that introduced all sorts of shit, and all of that slash pictures involving Haldir giving Legolas sexual favours in the middle of the woods. I'd have to give it 7 out of 10 One Rings.
(A/N: Not that I ever look at that slash stuff. *run*)
Guy: Pretty good. What about The Last Samurai?
Liquid: That movie was all right, but not great. I'm giving it 7 Samurai.
(A/N: The plural of samurai is samurai. Just like the plural of ninja is ninja. Idiots.)
Guy: 7? But you gave that the LotR, and you said that movie rocked!
Liquid: Yes, but I was grading The Last Samurai out of 17 Samurai.
Guy: That's an odd rating system.
Liquid: Next movie?
Guy: Fine, uh, The Matrix Revolutions?
Liquid: A fine example of movie making. 1 Matrix.
Guy: That's a terrible score!
Liquid: It's out of a possible 1 Matrix, Guy! Get with it!
Guy: Your rating system is terrible!
Liquid: No way! My rating system is the best! I'm giving it 39 out of 39 in Rating Systems!
Guy: Just leave, all right? My show is far too good for this crap.
Liquid: Oh yeah?! Well your show stinks! I'm giving it 27 Lil' Guys!
Guy: *impressed* Hey, 27, not half bad.
Liquid: But it's out of a possible 789 Lil' Guys! Eat that!
Guy: Get out.
(fade out)
(fade in on the usual robot people talking to each other. Otacon walks in)
Otacon: Hey, I got a few conditions on this robot thing. I'll only put my brain in a robot body, if I can put it in a robot cat.
Snake: Um, okay. But, but remember, you'll have the strength of five gorillas.
Mei Ling: Why settle for a cat, Hal? You could be a robot, mmm, tiger!
Raven: No way! If I have to be five-feet-nothing, Hal can't be a tiger!
Colonel: You're not the boss of tiger-bot Hal!
Raven: Then he has to live in a robot zoo! Hear that, Hal? The zoo! Hah!
Otacon: Well then I will stay human!
Snake: Don't expect any mercy during the Great Robot Wars.
Otacon: Yeah? Well, have fun on the robot reservation, suckers! We're not gonna honour those bogus treaties! I will see you, in He-
*Snake right hooks Otacon*
Snake: He's right. They will screw us.
Raven: Listen! ... It's time to get serious.
Colonel: Yeah, enough of this talk! Let's... kill the human.
Meryl: It's against the law!
Raven: What's the law going to do about it?
Mei Ling: Let's ask Ocelot, he'll know!
Snake: But before that, let's take a look at how Otacon became part of the gang.
Otacon: (gets up) I just hacked my way into your sheets and put myself down as your number one pick.
Snake: Oh yeah. Not really interesting at all. Anyway, OCELOT!
(Ocelot walks in)
Ocelot: Yes?
Raven: What will the penalty for a robot harming a human be?
Ocelot: *ahem* The penalty for a robot harming a human will be one thousand years, frozen in carbonite!
Liquid: A thousand years frozen in carbonite?! It'll be so cold!
Colonel: My nipples are hard just thinking about it.
Liquid: I'd kill myself!
Meryl: Hel-looo? That's also against the law!
Colonel: Damn laws! I just don't know if I wanna live a thousand years. Even as a Sarah Michelle Gellar-bot... with hard nipples.
Raven: Plus, self-termination? Hey, I gotta tell ya, it's a sin in the eyes of the Robot Church.
Colonel: We don't need Rome telling us what to do!
Snake: Wait! If we're robots, we'll have mechanics! They could shut us down, permanently.
Mei Ling: No-no-no-no-no-no! Your robot body would go crazy and kill them all!
Raven: With the strength of five gorillas!
Liquid: And then it's back to the carbonite.
Colonel: And there go my nipples again.
Meryl: God, it's so depressing. Being trapped in carbonite.
*long silence*
Mei Ling: *gasp* What if you get a brain tumor?!
Liquid: Yeah, a big-ass tumor!
Snake: No... your robot body's a brain surgeon.
Colonel: That's crap. It's not gonna be a brain surgeon.
Raven: If it can't break the five-foot barrier, it can't be a brain surgeon.
Snake: Yes it can! If Otacon can be a giant tiger-bot, what's a little-
Raven: Hal is going to stay human. He'll die in the first war.
Colonel: Unless he's a tiger-bot already!!!
(long pause)
Colonel: It could happen.
(Cyborg Ninja runs in)
Ninja: Whew, tough to get in here with all these terrorists in the building and stuff.
Snake: Ninja, we're talking about being robots here. So piss off.
(Psycho Mantis floats in)
Mantis: Lotta terrorists out there. Anyway, what's this about robots?
(Sniper Wolf follows)
Wolf: Ignorant terrorists looking at my boobies... But, are we talking about robots?
(Naomi runs in, covered in blood)
Naomi: *pant* Whew, tough fight, but I just killed all those terrorists AND diffused a bomb 30 seconds before it would blow up and kill us all! So, I was walking along with my scalpel, right, and-
Mantis: Yeah-yeah-yeah. Hey, will my robot body have hair?
Snake: Just on your back, like you do now.
Mei Ling: Gross! But wait, wait... what's with robot sex?
Ninja: Yeah baby! Knockin' those robot boots!
Meryl, Raven and Liquid: (chants) Go robot! Go robot!
Ninja: Yeah!
Naomi: Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey! I almost DIED out there saving your sorry butts!
Snake: The operative word being 'almost'.
Naomi: Shut up! All you ever talk about is robots. "Can they have hair?" "Can they have sex?" The answer to these questions would quite possibly drive you all insane!
Mei Ling: You don't have to bite my head off! I'm just asking.
Liquid: Yeah, who died and made you robot expert?
Naomi: That's it! Auugh!!!
(Naomi rips open her lab coat to reveal her bare chest, then pulls that open to reveal a robot body underneath. Beepy noises are heard. Everyone gasps in shock)
Meryl: Oh my god!
Raven: Mother Nature be damned!
Liquid: Holy Big Boss, she's a robot!
Naomi: That's right people, I... am a cyborg. My weak body couldn't deal with the viruses of the 21st century. So, using my I.Q. of two hundred and sixty - that's two-six-oh! - I built a superfly cybernetic host body for my brain. And I became this bastard child of science and humanity. And I'm standing here, naked. But I'm not asking forgiveness, and I don't want your pity!! I just want your understanding, your acceptance. I'm just asking for your... frienshi-
(suddenly the place explodes after all)
(cut to a funeral. Shade stands at the podium, in front of every Metal Gear Solid fan fiction writer)
Shade: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of all these fine men and women. Their lives were lost after someone crammed too many eggs into a microwave. A really big microwave. I welcome you to come out and pay your respects.
(people start lining up. futuresuperstar is up first)
futuresuperstar: *sniff* I'll miss you Snake and Otacon, and I will remember you... *turns and speaks to the camera* In my greatest fic ever, Metal Gear Solid III: Dawn of the Concealed! I'm 14 years old, and yet I write like someone who's at least 16! Ain't I good? People put me down for having my aspirations too high, and putting corny jokes in my summary, but you know what they say, that-
Shade: *shoots her with an M9* You talk too much. Next!
(TheFluffyOne goes up)
Fluffy: I loved you all so damn much! Especially you, Mei Ling! I'll make sure to rape your corpse.
Shade: *shoots him* Eww. Next!
(everyone follows, and everyone is shot)
Shade: Well, that wraps it up, I only wish Lady Croft replied to my invitation. Oh well, she's a working lass and all. *under his breath* stupid woman, won't reply to my mail...
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Shade: Ha ha, fun times were had by all. But that's not the end! No sir! Next time we feature the rest of the tapes, and another hilarious plot that doesn't involve robots. Ha ha ha! Read and review if you want the first three comics in The Death Duel series! Only three takers so far! C'mon, you inbred hippies, review! Look at futuresuperstar, she updates almost every day and she's gotten 46 reviews! What is that?! Ignore her, and get some chuckles with yer ol' pal Simon!
