Mariowned
I do not own Mario. Mario and all affiliated characters are owned by Nintendo. As I don't feel like typing this 100 times, this phrase shall be represented by the phrase "Super Dancing Thunder Muffins" in future chapters
Well, this is the 2ndof the 3 different stories I'm considering writing next. I thought I'd get back to basics, since my first story "BS no Jutsu" was my first and most successful. So, I thought I'd try to apply the same humor to a new franchise, so why not Mario? Note: this fan fiction is not for everyone. It contains cursing plumbers, homicidal brothers, mentally challenged princesses, turtle-dragons obsessed with bestiality, orgasming ?-blocks, and may cause seizures and the death of your beloved childhood memories, leaving only the ones that involve Michael Jackson molesting you… Enjoy…
Chapter 1
It was a normal day in the home of Mario Mario, so Mario was obviously quite stressed. A normal day meant that, any minute now, that turtle-lizard-dragon thing was going to show up and kidnap that dumb bitch that had the IQ of an orange, 5 points less than necessary to have any kind of human reaction to your boyfriend saving you from a monster. The only reason Mario didn't leave her was because the only living things around besides her were his brother, some mushrooms, some brown mushrooms, and some turtles, and I'm pretty sure you can go to jail for having sex with any of those.
So, Mario sat, waiting to get the inevitable call from Toadsworth that Peach had been kidnapped again, and he'd have to go off on some grand adventure and fight 7-8 bosses who each guarded a weird star, because it is always stars, which he needed for some inconsequential reason before he went off to save Peach.
"Oops-eh. Mario's got to tie-a his-a shoe…" Mario noted to himself before bending over to tie his aforementioned shoe. While tying said shoe, Mario noticed the air above his head get very hot. When he came back up from his exciting foot-based adventure, there was a scorch mark on the wall in front of him. He turned around to see Luigi holding a flamethrower.
"Luigi! Put-a that damn thing away before-a you hurt some-a-one…" Mario chastised. "Sorry Mario. There was-a a bug on de wall… yeah… dat's-a it…" Luigi responded wryly. 'Damn-a… I'm-a never going to get-a my own-a game… True, I did get-a that one game, but it-a was all about-a finding-a Mario. It's al-a-ways about finding-a Mario. Mario, Mario, Mario… Can't-a wait-a to kill that-a son-a of a bitch-a…'
"Luigi, whadda de hell is you a-talkin- about-a?" Mario asked. "Oops-eh, dat was-a supposed ta stay in-a Luigi's-a thoughts-a" Luigi replied. The ensuing awkward silence was soon broken by a ring of the telephone. "Master Mario!" Toadsworth shouted from the other end, "You have to come quick! Peach is in terrible danger! And as much as we'd like to just let Bowser have her and let this damn franchise end, Nintendo won't let us because, apparently, people are still paying good money for these half-assed games whose only redeeming quality is being in 3-D!"
"All-a-right-a Toadsworth, but Mario swears-a to God! Dat-a stupid-a bitch-a better-a freakin' put out-a dis-a time… Let's-a go Luigi!" "Okey-dokey!"
And with that, our heroes were off on another pointless, generic story to save someone that everyone wished would just freaking die already.
Meanwhile… there he stood… Towering over the cowering toads with evil energy (No, wait… that's poot-gas…) was the evil… the malicious… the destructive… Barney the Dinosaur!
"My name's Bowser you son of a bitch!"
Well, I say you're Barney the Dinosaur, so you're Freaking Barney the Dinosaur!
With a sigh of surrender, Barney the Dinosaur turned to Peach and began an evil monologue. "Oh damn it… Anyway… It seems you are in my clutches once again Peach… And this time, Mario isn't going to save you, even though I haven't changed anything at all since the last time he saved you. What do you say to that?" "Applesauce!" she replied, obviously too stupid to register what was going on.
"Um… why do you want to kidnap her again?" a koopa troopa asked Barney the Dinosaur, who responded with a long glare of anger followed by setting him on fire. "Um, sir, Mario's coming… along with some guy in green no one cares about…" a second troopa informed him. "Good…" Bowser growled. "But sir," the inquisitive koopa began, "Mario's almost definitely going to kick all our asses when he gets here, and we already have the princess… Shouldn't we just leave?" "SILENCE!!" Barney shouted. "… I rule you…"
The first, charred koopa then spoke up, saying "Hey! How come when he speaks up, he just gets a slap on the wrist and I get blown up!? If you ask me-" the koopa would have finished that statement, had he not been pushed off the airship that Barney was apparently standing on.
"Now!" Barney then shouted, "Man the guns! When Mario gets here, we're gonna blow him to smithereenees!" "But sir, he's already here!" a goomba said, pointing to the plumber. (something very hard to do, for indeed, goombas have no arms. As to what he was using to point, we will leave to your perverted imagination) "JESUS FREAKING CHRIST!!" Barney shouted at the top of his lungs, offending several nuns who responded by throwing nun-items at Barney.
"It's-a me! Mario!" the plumber shouted. Still being pelted by nun-items, Barney responded "I know, you tell me every damn time you show up!" "All-a-right Bowser, I'm-a gonna kick-a your fat-a turtle-dragon-a thing-ass…" "I'll never give up Peach!" Barney shouted in retaliation. "You can-a have her, I just-a want to-a beat-a you up. I'm-a bored of all-a these-a damn Go-kart races"
"You can't have Peach!" Barney shouted, obviously not listening to a word Mario said. "I don't-a want her… Luigi! I'll-a play-a with you later-a! I'm-a in the middle-a some-a-thing!" Mario shouted to his brother, who was stabbing him in the back of the head with a plastic spoon.
"Don't-a worry Peach-a! I'm-a gonna save-a you for-a some-a reason beyond-a me-a!" "Butterflies!" Peach responded jubilantly. "Stupid-a freakin' Bitch-a" Mario muttered. "You can't save her this time Mario! I put Peach in a magic barrier, which can only be opened with 7 generic star-things, which are being guarded in super-secret fortresses by powerful boss-characters, which you'll never find without a map… Here's a map…" Barney proclaimed to his foe.
"Wait-a, doesn't it-a kind of-a kill de story if-a de villain helps me to-a foil him?" Mario asked curiously. "Look, this is a Mario game… there's not gonna be much of a story anyway." Barney grunted in response. "But I-a think de fans would-a welcome a decent-a story as-a a nice-a change-a pace-a…" "Screw your story! You wanna story!? Here's your story! Evil turtle-guards over there; kill they ass! THAT'S YOUR DAMN STORY!!" Barney shouted before kicking the Mario brothers off his airship and flying away.
"Well-a Luigi, it looks-a like-a we're off on another-a stupid-a, monotonous adventure…" Mario muttered as he watched Barney fly away. "Well-a, at-a least-a we have-a each other-a Mario." Luigi replied joyfully. "I love-a you Luigi." "I love-a you too Mario…"
And at that, the two brothers joined in a loving, heartfelt embrace.
'I swear-a to God, I'm-a gonna kill-a you, you son-a of bitch-a…' Luigi thought to himself.
Well, that's chapter 1 of Mariowned: one of 3 stories I may potentially work on, based on the results of the poll. Read all 3 stories, once they're out, and vote on which one you want continued, although all will be continued eventually.
In the next chapter, Mario and Luigi travel to the first boss, who has the power to control gravity. How can our heroes face such a foe. Meanwhile, Barney the Dinosaur tries to get busy with Peach, who's too much of a dumb bitch to know what the Hell's goin' on. Will Mario prevail? Will Bowser score? Will Luigi kill Mario and take the spotlight? Find out next time.
Oh noes! All of your childhood memories have been killed, except for the ones of Michael Jackson molesting you. But wait! There's a button that says "Go" Click it to make the Michael Jackson memories "Go" away, then type what you thought of this chapter to make new, happy memories.
