Chapter One:

"Last warning! If you aren't down at the SUV in five minutes I will personally cut your cuts out and feed them to Mwfanway!"

Ianto couldn't help but roll his eyes as Gwen's voice blared through the comm system. She was really getting stressed out about the whole thing, and he would have asked why, if he wasn't so scared that she would murder him for getting in her way. As she had come so close to with John when he had asked.

He rubbed a minute speck of dust off the shiny black bonnet of the SUV, listening with one ear as the obvious sounds of some people arguing came through the comms. It seemed as though Jack and John had forgotten to turn their communicators off before starting to yell at one another about...um...desks. Right.

He looked over at Tosh, sat in the front passenger seat, staring intently at the screen of her PDA, and smiling faintly. It looked as though she was listening as well, with almost as much amusement as he was. A fact that was proved when they both jumped at a rather loud crash, before looking at one another, grinning sheepishly.

"Right, are we ready?"

Ianto turned smoothly to face Jack's second in command, face blank. No way was he going to say how he had almost had a heart attack due to her sneaking up so quietly. That was something Ianto Jones would never say. He simply tilted his head, nodding in achknowlagement, not daring to open his mouth in case he burst into laughter. Something which he was positive would go down a storm.

Gwen looked around, running one hand through her dishevelled hair. "Ok, well, let's...where the hell are the boys?"

Ianto was about to answer, but Tosh beat him there. Here soft voice reached them from where she was still sat, eyes back upon her PDA.

"Jack's trying to squeeze himself under his desk, and Owen's trying to persuade Janet to take his place."

Ah. The argument about the desks suddenly made perfect sense. He wondered momentarily how long Jack had been planning that. And how the hell he expected to get away with it. After all, he had gotten stuck last time. Gwen rolled her eyes. "And John?"

"Covering himself with barbecue sauce and saying, and I quote, 'I'd rather let that bloody bird get me than those little monsters."

"She's a Pterradon, Tosh."

"His words, Yan."

"Oh for fucks..." Gwen reached up, tapping her ear to activate her comm., "Guys, did you not hear my warning? Only I seriously meant it!"

"Ahead of you already, baby."

"Ok, fine. John, if you don't get here now, I will scrape your digested remains out of that bird's –"

"Pterradon."

"- bird's shit, stick you back together and use one of Jack's bloody gloves to bring you back just so I can personally kill you again myself!"

"Nice plan, freckles, but Jacky boys already told me that the gloves are dead."

"Fine! You're fired!" she seethed, just as Jack's voice reached them.

"Gwen, only I am allowed to fire people, as I am completely insisting on staying put, I am not likely to agree to that."

Ianto saw Gwen's eyes flash dangerously, and carefully slid into the seat beside Tosh. "Let me try, Gwen." He didn't wait for a response, only reached up to his ear as she herself had done. "Evening, gents..."

"Oh, not you as well, Yan! You can't seriously think this is a good idea!"

"Aww, has Jacky's little picture boy betrayed him."

"Unless you want me to come over there and eat you myself, John, I'd shut up!"

Ianto cleared his throat as John started to say something in retort. "Yes, I'm afraid I do, Jack. And that's not all that's going."

Silence. Then a new voice –"What the hell are you on about?"

"Was wondering where you got to, Owen." Jack's voice said scathingly, "Not planning on joining the dark side as well, are you?"

"Can I continue, gentlemen?" Ianto said, rolling his eyes at Gwen, who was angrily jabbing at the face of her watch. "Anyway, not only am I going, but I am taking the coffee machine as well, so –"

"Hah! That's not going to work, Tea Boy! Is it guys?"

Silence.

"Guy's?"

"Er..."

"Sorry, Owen. You may not be able to drink, but we do!"

"Yeah, no hard feelings kid. Get out of the bloody way Jack!"

"Traitors!"

Ianto grinned at the two girls; Tosh, who was laughing silently to herself, and Gwen, who was looking at him with a mixture of relief and wonder.

"Oh, and Jack? John? Unless you don't want any of the good coffee, I suggest you bring Owen with you as well."

He leant back as curses reached him, some directed at him, and others directed someone blocking their way. Oh, how he loved being able to do that.

"I'm not bloody well going!"

"Come on, Owen. What harm could it do?" Tosh said soothingly, her expression still one of amusement as she listened to his complaints. And struggles, it appeared.

"What harm could it do?" his voice was scathing, mocking almost.

"Just think of it as a holiday," Gwen said, now laughing freely.

"A bloody holiday? You're making us go back to school, for fucks sake!"

"I'm sure you'll settle in perfectly then." Ianto murmered, catching Tosh's eye.

"Piss off."