Melted
By Rika (AKA Taco)
I have always left her. She had always been there, but I always ended up leaving. And realizing it, coming to terms with that fact alone, was enough to shatter even my heart - a heart made of metal. I always felt that I had problems with leaving Winry behind. There was it's advantages, a few less blows to the head, for instance. But there was also those disadvantages .. feeling alone to a point where not even Al could ease my lonliness. She felt lonely too. I could feel it. She was always so happy to see us when we came back, so relieved that we were alive, though we were not always well. She may have thrown the wrench one too many times at me, and at Al sometimes, but she did it out of concern for us .. concern .. and love.
I never realized it back then, but Al and I always had a home to come back to, and a family waiting for us when we got there. It was small, only consisting of two girls - excuse me, women, but they were a family nonetheless, and though I hesitated to ever admit it, I loved them as if they were my own flesh and blood. Al felt the same way.
We've known Winry since we were kids. We grew up together, played games together, ate ice cream on hot summer days together, and Al and myself even went so far as to argue over who would be the one to marry her. She obviously always thought it was all a joke at the time, and it was, even though I seemed to think it was a very real argument. Al was just being a competitive little brother. It was all just pretend; we were just playing. Though I knew that was the case, however, I always felt that it might have a chance of happening someday, that I could be the one to marry this girl that we had known since forever.
After a while, I only thought of Winry as 'my mechanic.' That title suddenly fell upon her when Al and I attempted to bring our dead mother back to life using alchemy. In the process, I lost an arm and a leg, and Al lost his whole body. I had no time to think about childhood after that. I had to grow up, and I had to do it quickly. I had to focus on getting Al's body back. And so, I applied for the military - I was going to become a State Alchemist, and there was no changing my mind about it. I didn't have time to think about any old thing anymore; I had to focus on the present, to make sure that the future would be there for me.
But that feeling .. the feeling like I had let not only Al down, but Winry too .. it always came back. It came back whenever I saw her crying. When she was happy, I was happy. When she was sad, I felt horrible. That horrible feeling was even worse when she was crying because of me .. and that happened to be nine-tenths of the time. I always tended to hate myself for a long while after she cried .. I never wanted her to cry, ever. But somehow, I always end up leaving .. I always end up making her cry .. making her worry .. making her hope that we're all right .. letting her down .. and making her tear a little more, each time. I don't want to do it, but I have to. She knows it, too. If I didn't have to return Al's soul to his body, if I didn't have a goal that was as vital as this .. she would never let me go back to headquarters every time I have to. And to be brutally honest .. I would never go back either.
I don't want her to hurt .. I don't want her to cry .. I don't want her to be kept waiting for us. I don't want her to be lonely. But it can't be helped. Not right now, anyway. And I have admitted to myself that I love her, and I always have. I can't tell her yet, though. I can't tell her, and have her die if something happens to me that can't be reversed. I love her too much to see her mourn over me like that.
Heh. I'm not even sure how she feels about me, and already i'm talking like we're a couple. That's another factor I must add into this. She might not feel the same way. I know she's worried about Al and I constantly, but is it just family love? Sibling love, perhaps? I don't know. And that's another reason why I can't tell her. I'm afraid. I hate to admit that, even to myself, but I am afraid.
Telling her will have to wait. I will tell her one day .. but that's not something I can see sometime in the near future. Not yet .. but later. I can't do it right now.
I can't let my hard exterior, my metal heart .. I can't let it all melt away, and become nothing.
I have to be tough. I have to be strong.
I can not melt now.
